mr.dream merchant Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 I never really realized how serious it was until one day I was on the phone with her and she told me about a guy who was trying to buy her lunch. She told me she simply said "no thanks". At the time I had my hand over my chest and I could instantly feel my heart racing like there was adrenaline being released into my body. I never really understood why I got so angry over it, because it really isnt a big deal, but there a big deal in there somewhere, there had to be. Well today I was thinking and thinking my ass off about it, and I realized that each and every time a guy hits on her, she never acknowledges having a BF, she just ends the conversation as quickly as possible. Just typing this now makes me so mad because its like she wants the attention you know? Any girl that wasn't enjoying the attention would surely let these guys know either: 1.) "Hey knock that **** off" or 2.) "Oh thanks but my BF this..." But my GF never does any of these. She only disengages from the encounter, and then when I ask later on the phone about it, she tells me but never mentions any acknowledgement of her being in a relationship. A couple women have made passes at me at my job and I let them know man, "Oh thanks but...my GF this..or that" I let them KNOW that I have a woman in my life. My GF does not do this, and it pisses me the **** off. Because all that's going to do it keep the guys comin and comin. If she isn't acknowledging that she's taken they're only going to try harder. And I think she knows this. She says she doesn't like the attention but wtf if she didn't she'd let them know what's up right? To me its like she's bull****ting and truely does enjoy the attention. It gets me so angry, because these guys are continuously hitting on her and she does nothing to prevent it, nothing. She just does her polite little exit and that's it.
PrincessPeach Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 She says she doesn't like the attention but wtf if she didn't she'd let them know what's up right? To me its like she's bull****ting and truely does enjoy the attention. It gets me so angry, because these guys are continuously hitting on her and she does nothing to prevent it, nothing. She just does her polite little exit and that's it. This is likely a fairly accurate assessment. The fact she is telling you these things is like sharing with you that she likes and gets attention from guys. If she didn't like the attention you probably would never hear about it and she would do things to ensure not to get attention she doesn't like.
boxing123 Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 HMM. I know what you mean. I wonder why she is even telling you in the first place. I dated a woman who did this, and as soon as I flipped the tables, she was insanely jealous. I would ignore her telling me about men asking her out, then occasionally tell her about a woman who said I smelled nice at the store. or an ex that called. Or a woman who suggested we hang out sometime.. I think she is just testing you. I wouldn't fall into that trap. All women test men.
Ronni_W Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Your g/f doesn't NEED to resort to any other tactics because apparently she is saying "no thanks" with sufficient assertiveness and clarity for them to get the message. From a woman's point of view, it is kind of pussy to have to say, "my boyfriend this" or "my boyfriend that" -- as if I can't just take care of my self. (Like a kid would go, "I'm telling my daddy!" -- that's how it would feel to me.) She is putting a stop to the behaviour and attention that she does not like or want, and doing it very effectively. I'm sure if she ever DOES feel the need for additional 'weapons', she likely will "use" the fact that she has a big, strong man so they'd better watch out . (At least, that's what I'd do when needed, and would even make-up a b/f, if it came to that.) She is being open and honest with you, about it...so obviously it is no big deal to her. She is handling it -- admire that and be proud of her, why not?
Author mr.dream merchant Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 Its ****ing wack. The minute an old female friend wants to text me or a female hits on me she's up in arms but when I get upset because she does nothing to ****ing tell these guys hitting on her that she's taken she gets upset saying I'm jealous and insecure and possessive. I thought I was going crazy because I knew there was something wrong with every situation she told me about. To be fair she only discloses it to me if I ask. She swears up and down she doesn't like the attention and if she didn't she'd say something about it/
Author mr.dream merchant Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 Your g/f doesn't NEED to resort to any other tactics because apparently she is saying "no thanks" with sufficient assertiveness and clarity for them to get the message. From a woman's point of view, it is kind of pussy to have to say, "my boyfriend this" or "my boyfriend that" -- as if I can't just take care of my self. (Like a kid would go, "I'm telling my daddy!" -- that's how it would feel to me.) She is putting a stop to the behaviour and attention that she does not like or want, and doing it very effectively. I'm sure if she ever DOES feel the need for additional 'weapons', she likely will "use" the fact that she has a big, strong man so they'd better watch out . (At least, that's what I'd do when needed, and would even make-up a b/f, if it came to that.) She is being open and honest with you, about it...so obviously it is no big deal to her. She is handling it -- admire that and be proud of her, why not? Because the way she handles it tells these guys nothing. All she does is be polite about the situation and then get out of it. This says nothing to these guys who want to get in her pants because she isn't making it clear or serious that she isn't interested in them. Simply acknowledging that she has a BF is clear enough that she isn't interested but she never does. She just lets them keep it up.
Touche Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 From what I'm reading here, I think she doesn't want them to know she has a b/f. She might be looking around for something better but will keep you around. Ever heard of Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now? I'm afraid you might be the latter.
Ronni_W Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Because the way she handles it tells these guys nothing. Is it the same bunch of guys who keep bugging her? Cos then, yeah, she definitely ought to be mentioning that she is in a committed relationship. I had assumed that these were a bunch of different guys -- my error.
Mahatma Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 I am willing to bet she KNOWS your anger and enjoys it. She may even be embellishing her stories, or even making them up. If you are over the phone and she adds these little tales, she hears you go silent and knows you are affected. How does she even bring it up? I have only told my girlfriend about girls hitting on me when she asked or it was brought up.
boxing123 Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Where have you been? ALL WOMEN LOVE ATTENTION..... Does she get dressed up to go to work? Wear make up? She wants attention. IF she just told people "I have a boyfriend" it would get around, and the attention she gets would plummet. Think about it.. You have a girlfriend.. Start a job with lots of women asking you out for lunch..If you DID NOT want the attention you would day "No, I have a girlfriend". If you wanted to possibly move in on one of them, you would keep your girlfriend a secret. And yes, she gets a kick out of you being upset too..
Author mr.dream merchant Posted March 6, 2009 Author Posted March 6, 2009 We discussed it and she claims she had no idea. I told her a simple trial and error and that is to just subltely and politely mention me in any of the conversations she has with these guys. "oh my bf has that to" or "oh my bf saw that". I told her to keep doing that and she'll see how quickly the attention these guys give her will change. She said she hates the attention. I really doubt she likes seeing me get upset, she calls me psycho and cries cause we end up arguing over it. I told her that I just want her to realize that not every guy is being friendly and kind to her for his health, alot of them have hidden intentions. She said that she never really thought of it that way, she just figured they were being friendly. I don't know whether to believe that or not cause at 22 years old, you should have a good idea of when guys want to ****ing your brains out, especially if you're as attractive as she is. She said she's going to start telling people she's engaged at work. Dunno where to take things from here except to just take her word for it and see what happens. I highly doubt she didn't know that these poor attempts made by her male co-workers were just ways to test the water, to see if she'd put out or not. I told her they're only going to keep it up and keep testing the waters. Who knows..
missdependant Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Hmmm... I think this could be the same exact jealousy I feel with porn.
boxing123 Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 What does she look like when she goes to work? Plain and just there to work? Or does she look better at work than when she is with you? Women do not just turn off wanting attention. It is not possible. She might just like drama.. If she did not want drama with you, she would just say "Nah, nobody asked me out".. End of story.. No drama.
Touche Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 We discussed it and she claims she had no idea. I told her a simple trial and error and that is to just subltely and politely mention me in any of the conversations she has with these guys. "oh my bf has that to" or "oh my bf saw that". I told her to keep doing that and she'll see how quickly the attention these guys give her will change. So what else do you tell her to do? She said she hates the attention. Good one! You yourself said ALL WOMEN LOVE ATTENTION. So you're buying that line? Okie, dokie. I really doubt she likes seeing me get upset, she calls me psycho and cries cause we end up arguing over it. Wow. She calls you psycho. Interesting. I told her that I just want her to realize that not every guy is being friendly and kind to her for his health, alot of them have hidden intentions. She said that she never really thought of it that way, she just figured they were being friendly. I don't know whether to believe that or not cause at 22 years old, you should have a good idea of when guys want to ****ing your brains out, especially if you're as attractive as she is. Wow, she's really good. No, I'm sure it never ocurred to her to think of it that way! She said she's going to start telling people she's engaged at work. Dunno where to take things from here except to just take her word for it and see what happens. I highly doubt she didn't know that these poor attempts made by her male co-workers were just ways to test the water, to see if she'd put out or not. I told her they're only going to keep it up and keep testing the waters. Who knows.. Frankly I think it's weird that you care so much about what she says/doesn't say. Seems a tad controlling don't you think? I mean it doesn't sound like she's ever actually cheated on you. So you're acting a bit paranoid. You're going to drive her away with that nonsense if one foot isn't already out the door already (which as I said I believe it is.)
missdependant Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Ugh! I accidentally clicked save... but anyway, yeah. I think the jealousy is similar. For whatever reason, I've never cared THAT much about flirting and always thought it was healthy. But if porn comes into the mix I feel infuriated.. have the same kind of panic attack you were describing with the increased heart rate, veiny arms, tough breathing and dry mouth.. I do believe that feelings of jealousy come from our own insecurities. I think the best thing to do is to be open about the fact that these things make you insecure and make a promise to work on it. You cannot control anyone in the world, and the more you try.. the further you push people away. It's really hard figuring out why we have the issues we have, but it is very helpful to try and work on them. Whether you should work on them with your girlfriend or without her is completely up to you.. but remember..... She probably finds nothing in these men that hit on her, and all of her love truly is saved up for you.
Touche Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 She probably finds nothing in these men that hit on her, and all of her love truly is saved up for you./QUOTE] Yeah, you're probably right. I guess some women show their love by calling their men "psycho.":laugh: Oh and sorry, Mr. Merchant. I attributed a quote to you that wasn't yours..about all women wanting attention. I get you and that square box guy mixed up sometimes.
boxing123 Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 I am only laughing because I have sounded like Dream before..Now that I hear someone else going through this, I see how ridiculous it is.. It seems like you are talking to her as if she is a child.. Explaining that yes, men might have ulterior motives! And she had no idea.. And she hates attention! But she tells you all about it even though you get mad, obviously because she is such an honest person and she could never ever lie or withhold anything!
missdependant Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 ./QUOTE] I guess some women show their love by calling their men "psycho.":laugh: Everyone says things they don't mean when they get into arguments. And in any case... it's really crazy to want to control someone's every move. Especially if she's never cheated or done anything to officially break his trust.
Touche Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Everyone says things they don't mean when they get into arguments. And in any case... it's really crazy to want to control someone's every move. Especially if she's never cheated or done anything to officially break his trust. I agree with everything you said...except most successful couples don't go around calling each other "psycho." Not in my experience anyway. Name-calling is a HUGE sign of a bad relationship..just sayin'
missdependant Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Name-calling is a HUGE sign of a bad relationship..just sayin' Maybe they were wrestling or having a tickle fight when she said it and she wasn't serious. My boyfriend and I do that all the time.
Touche Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Maybe they were wrestling or having a tickle fight when she said it and she wasn't serious. My boyfriend and I do that all the time. But he said they were fighting when she said it. And that she was crying, etc. That doesn't sound like a friendly little tickle fight to me.
Author mr.dream merchant Posted March 6, 2009 Author Posted March 6, 2009 Well things have calmed down. Like I said, all we can do is wait...I'm sure you'll see a post from me in the future on this, whether it be positive or negative. As it stands she was kind of blind to the hidden intentions, she took these guys at face value, friendly co-workers. She took some random guy she doesn't even know buying her lunch as a friendly gesture, hard to believe but that's what she said. She's willing to try the test so let's see.
samspade Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 To the OP, I agree it's disrespectful for her to let that kind of thing go on without signaling that she has a BF at some point. Now, we all like a little flirtatious attention, and women especially, but if she's happy being with you, she shouldn't let it get past the casual repartee of an initial flirt. All that aside, I have to say that you sound insecure about it, and there is nothing that will turn your GF off faster than insecurity. You're right to put your foot down when you've been disrespected, but if you hound her about it, she'll use it to start testing you - ESPECIALLY if she is 22! You made your point to her, but you have to understand, unless you chain your woman up in the basement, the minute she walks out that door there will be dozens of guys each day offering up their penises on a platter (sorry for the visual). Her interest and attraction to YOU are what keeps her from testing those waters, and when you start acting paranoid and insecure, I can guarantee her interest and attraction will plummet. If she's still not telling guys she has a BF (something every girl over 18 knows how to do), bring it up with her again, but be calm and strong. Tell if her she wants to flirt with other guys, she can do it on her own. There is no need for you to compromise your self-respect if you've already told her once.
Ronni_W Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Name-calling is a HUGE sign of a bad relationship..just sayin' I totally agree with that, when the name-calling is in context of "fighting and crying", and other negative dynamics. But there was an MSN article recently (or maybe Canoe) about how pet names differ from country to country, culture to culture. Like some of the stuff that passes in Britain, wouldn't feel at all warm or fuzzy in N. America. mr.dream merchant, I must confess that I've also sometimes been blind to others' advances -- and in old age, when I really ought to have known better. For me, I really do think it was a case of me being so happy in my relationship...how on earth could anyone MISS it? Yes, I know it was totally insane and unconscious on my part, but that still doesn't mean that I was at all thinking in terms of getting or keeping other guys' attention.
Recommended Posts