mlh5046 Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 She dumped me, but I really feel it was my fault reflecting back on everything. She loved me and I loved her for 2 years. I am getting over the break up pretty well now and she is dating a new guy( could just be a rebound but you can never be sure), but I pushed her there because of the frustration I caused her. No cheating just immaturity, jealousy not enough attention and doing what she wanted. I really have no resentment for her and her new relationship, but I just want to know if it would be ok to apologize to her? Should I send a letter, or if I see her do it in person? I don't want to make her uncomfortable and I think things might be going well with her new guy. Should I even do this you think, or would she see it as a feeble attempt to get her back even when I tell her it isn't. She really can't even hurt my feelings at this point so this is why I feel like i should do it so I can end it right. I see her around a good amount and I don't want it to be awkward, I just want to be able to co-exist if she is still harboring hurt feelings. Of course everyone will say I want to get get her back as well, and you know what ya Id like to have her back, but I have moved on and I am also dating someone else. I just still care about her more than anything and want her to not have bad memories.
BCCA Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 would she see it as a feeble attempt to get her back She will, and truth be told, it kind of is, because... you know what ya Id like to have her back To me, it seems like youre at the 'bargaining' stage of getting over the relationship. You know she isnt going to come back, so youre kind of trying to push your way into her life one way or another, under the disguise of just wanting to say sorry. Let me tell you man, you dont owe anyone an apology for dumping you. If you did things to push her to it, then take note and try not to repeat your mistakes next time. Its too late with this one. want her to not have bad memories You can kiss her butt from here to accross the street, and she could have terrible memories because thats what she choses to remember. You cant control that. Unless you can say without a doubt that you absolutely DONT want her back and wouldnt sleep with her, leave well enough alone. Who cares what she thinks, you cant control that. And if you came back and said sorry, she could think you have no self respect, since no self respecting man says sorry to a woman who breaks his heart. Dont look like a chump, she has a new man, shes his problem now.
Ronni_W Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 There are good arguments for doing it, and good arguments for not doing it. So, why not just do what will help YOU be able to look in the mirror and feel comfortable and happy with the person who is staring back at you? I do agree that you cannot influence or "control" her memories, or how she will perceive it if you do send her such a communication -- whatever you decide to do, it really needs to be just about what you want for yourself...without any investment in whether or not she's going to change her current image of who/what you are. To me, there is absolutely everything "right" about offering an honest and sincere apology IF one does not expect anything in return.
techfan Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 And if you came back and said sorry, she could think you have no self respect, since no self respecting man says sorry to a woman who breaks his heart. Dont look like a chump, she has a new man, shes his problem now. I disagree with this statement. I recently met up with my ex who dumped me about 2 months ago. For the few weeks before the meetup I had been reflecting heavily on what went wrong and why, etc. Anyway I sat her down and I basically explained everything from my side of the situation. I acknowledged where I went wrong and apologized for my mistakes in the relationship (some distance and neglect, stupid comments, etc. Nothing really major but enough for her to bail) I also tried to explain where I was mentally at the time as work was consuming my life and because of that I lost my balance. Anyway, I did apologize and admit to my mistakes in the matter. And I admit that I did go into the situation hoping but not expecting her to give it another shot. Naturally that didn't happen as she was quite cold to me. The point is, I went in with good intentions and even though the result wasn't as good as I had hoped it has taught me a few things. 1.) I am glad I did it even if she looks at me with less respect now. It helped me to get it off my chest. I am human and make mistakes. I had the balls to at least man up to my mistakes in the manner that I did. And BCCA is right, I didn't owe her anything. I could have walked away and flipped her the bird, but I did what I did for myself, even if part of it was in hopes of getting her back. At least now I can look back and see that I was mature about the entire situation and acted in an adult way. And I have also come to realize that even after doing that she doesn't deserve me and what I can offer. But regardless, my apology remains and I am sorry for the mistakes I made in the past. 2.) By apologizing and getting everything off my chest I attained some sort of closure within myself. Typically people say when you break NC soon after a breakup you go back to step 1. I definitely went back a few steps after seeing her but am now way ahead of where I would have been had I not said my peace. This might be different for everyone, I just don't know. For me it basically solidified the fact that I knew in my heart I did everything I could to save the relationship and grow from it. And by realizing and admitting my mistakes I have learned from them as well and will avoid making the same ones in future relationships. And now knowing that I have said everything worthwhile (not begging/pleading but apologizing and making myself and my situation known) I have no other option but to move on. And this has helped me as well. Even at the end of our meeting I wished her the absolute best in her future and told her that I hope she finds exactly what she's looking for. It's hard to admit but it's true. So some may say doing something to this degree is a sign of weakness, but I don't necessarily agree. I think everyone should have a chance to say their peace if they need to. Compassion can get you farther than hate and anger ever will. Apologizing isn't a bad thing but you have to be mature about it and not be a pushover. LS is loaded with so many great people with such amazing advice here (BCCA being one of the best) but there is so much of it and so many different situations I think each individual has to look at their own situation and create a 'hybrid' plan to follow from all the great teachers out there. Each and every relationship is different for sure, so just following one person's advice sometimes maybe the absolutely wrong thing to do. You have to do whats right for you. And sometimes that means listening to your heart AND your head. Find that balance. So i think if you need to apologize in order to move on go ahead and do it, but be aware (as some have stated here) that she will likely not care or accept your apology with anything. In fact, it could backfire and definitely cause you more pain if she blows it off like its not a big deal. I walked into my situation expecting to get rocked hard. I knew it was coming and was prepared to get obliterated, but i still went forward with it because I knew it was the right thing to do FOR ME. Now I can look back and know I did what I could and meant every word of it. You have to find out whats right for you. So take your time and figure it out. But don't expect squat from it. In the end, what you are doing is for YOU not her. Especially if you want her back, what you sound like youre doing is for YOU and not her. But if you think it will clear your conscience then by all means go ahead and do it. Just be prepared. If someone I was with came to me and apologized genuinely for the mistakes they had made in the past I would respect that. Manning up and admitting mistakes can be harder than just walking away sometimes. You just have to mean it sincerely. But don't ever think apologizing for your mistakes takes away your self respect. EVER. Its the way you go about it that matters and shows your true character. Good luck.
wowIlose Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 No. Apologizing at this point is to little to late. No matter what people here say it will make you look weak at this stage. Plus, think how sincere an apology is after the fact... Just don't do it. If you truly moved on, and your both dating someone new then I see no need to go back. What is the point? Unless your carrying a boulder of guilt on your shoulders and really need to do this for yourself (not her) then go for it other wise leave it alone.
miss-jem-bishop Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 you seem to have a good head on you.. so if i was you and you feel it was your fault etc maybe and email or letter just to say you wish her all the best and happy she managed to get bck dating just like you and explain how u feel bout maybe you done wrong on somethings etc and see what happens im sure she will be thankfull and more happy that you wanted to end it on a good note than a bad one! x
Recommended Posts