Jackie21 Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 I don't usually write on forums, but am kind of embarassed to talk about this to anyone so i hope maybe you can advise me... I've been married for 5 years now and I am in my late 20s years old and my husband is 3 years older. My husband and I were college sweethearts, got married my senior year in college, went through three years of grad school together (3 for me, he's still continuing) and moved to a different country together. He is doing his PhD in history. I found a job in advertising. We have always been and remain very different. I like going out to clubs, meeting new people, going hiking or traveling to foreign countries. I get easily bored, my attention span is short. He likes stability, quiet, calm. He likes to watch old movies and go to 5 hour theater plays. Lately he's been telling me that, from the beginning of our marriage, he hoped to instill in me some of his interests and he thinks he failed. He is bored with me, I think. More and more often I am bored with him too. I do love him, care for him, worry about his weak health, want him to get his PhD and find a great job, want him to be happy in life and marriage, something he definitely is not right now. He is very tolerant of my mood swings, but I can see that after every fight he is too agitated to work. His hands shake, he says his heart hurts. And I can restrain myself if I put an effort into it. I can be calm, and sit home, and read a book. This makes my husband happy and calm. But I feel like I'm half dead when I do that. Also, lately, we haven't been phisically close much. He says he's too nervous whenever I try to initiate something. Still, we manage. We've been managing so far and, I think, he is too devoted to leave me no matter how difficult things become for him/for us. And we do have some few happy moments, when we laugh together. But they are really few. I've been mainly sustaining myself by telling myself that this is temporary. That once he gets his PhD (in a year or so), he'll be calmer, will want to hang out with other people, we'll be good. Lately I've been asking myself more and more whether this is what marriage is supposed to be like. Until my husband I haven't had a serious boyfriend so he's the only man I've really known. I begin to wonder if I'm missing out on something, if I could be happier with someone else, if our personalities are just too different. I know I could be different with someone else, who has more influence on me, maybe. I have this one life to live and it's up to me to make it as good as I can. But the thought of leaving him makes me feel awfully guilty. Maybe it's mutual guilt holding us together. Or laziness. I don't know and have no idea how to find out whether this is as good as it's ever gonna get with anyone. I did suggest he and I take a small break to think things through, but he's very traditional and is against that. Aaagh, the whole thing is slowly driving me crazy. Please help, share your experiences, thoughts, advice. What do people usually do in such situations? How do you know for sure that a marriage isn't working? When is the time to break things off? What if I realise that I made a mistake?
2sure Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Your problems sounds like those that are often experienced by couples with a vast age difference between them. Different interests, different activities are fine - and what make each of the interesting indiviuals we are. Its fun to be different than our partners, so that we can share and learn from each other. But the differences are usually she likes clubs, he likes sporting events. Or he likes talk radio, she likes old movies. Or he is a home body and she loves travel, even. But you two are living life on two entirely different speeds. Things and moods are probably affected by the fact that you are establishing a career, and still doing the long haul Phd. But still. He isnt going become a mover and shaker, he is an acedemic. You are in advertising - there is no more energetic/trendy field. Unless you are good with leading seperate lives, and feeling the other one is "home".... You both sound lonely for a partner.
Trialbyfire Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Talk about extreme sides of the social spectrum. One social and energetic, the other anti-social and laid-back. I'm a big believer in compatibility, where both parties have identical core values and similar lifestyles. Since you've been married for five years, consider marriage counseling. It will help you define whether it's worth staying together or parting ways previous to having children, since children will only amplify previous differences.
Author Jackie21 Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 I think we've become more different as we both got older. And on the one hand I am proud to have a man who (I think) is smarter than most guys at work, more interesting, more educated. I don't mean to sound like a snob, it's just nice to brag about him But, indeed, at this point we're too different to complement each other (if that makes sense). I did suggest marriage counseling once. He said he doesn't believe in it. I'm thinking of going to a therapist on my own. Of course both parts of a couple would be better, but maybe it'll help even if I just go by myself...
lonelyandfrustrated Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Jackie, you sound like a friend of mine, in a way. She married her college sweetheart, and he was a homebody while she liked to go clubbing, etc. They divorced after a few years and she went out and got her groove on, ended up with a 'bad boy' who nearly killed her, and now she's remarried to her college sweetheart and they're expecting their fourth child this summer. Hopefully you won't have to go through all that to grow to appreciate what you have. I think for her it was hitting 30 and realizing that having a solid, committed man was preferable to being a 30-something club grrl. She gets her social stuff now from being active with the school, the church, the community (funny how a knife in the gut changes you, lol). How did you two end up together to begin with?
clv0116 Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Your problems sounds like those that are often experienced by couples with a vast age difference between them. 3 years is vast to you? He being say, 31 and she being 28?
lkjh Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Leaving isn't the answer,you just need to spice up your relationship. Get Ideas and work with him on it. Everyone will go through times where they just want to call it quits but they get over it if they choose to
Author Jackie21 Posted March 6, 2009 Author Posted March 6, 2009 How did you two end up together to begin with? I fell for him in college, because he was intelligent, serious, and turned out to be, first, a wonderful friend and, later, an even more wonderful boyfriend. He has given me a lot over the past years, which is why I often ask myself if I'll be doing us both a favor if I end this relationship. But then again, maybe this is a self-deluding way of not feeling guilty for giving up. Seriously, when it's time to give up - does one just know it? In other words, if I am still uncertain - does it mean that I should keep trying to work at it?
quankanne Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 don't throw the towel in just yet, kiddo – what you've shared about friendship before romance sounds to me like you've got a strong base to your overall relationship but need to figure out how and where to find those mutual interests and desires. Counselling is fantastic, but I can see where he might feel cowed by it because he somehow thinks it's admitting to God and everyone that there's something wrong (with him). And that's so not true! we did a marriage enrichment retreat our 7th year of marriage and even my husband will tell people it was the best thing we did for our marriage because it helped us see the strengths of our relationship and how to communicate better. granted, our tastes are a bit different, but knowing that we have a solid foundation of love that is the basis of our marriage makes it work. Even when we're screaming at each other out of frustration or anger seriously, though, by getting the tools you need to groom/train your marriage the way you want it to grow, you also find out how y'all can reconnect while still enjoying the stuff each of you like to do. so keep talking to your husband about marriage enrichment – and that you're worried that your relationship is falling apart because of the reasons you've pointed out. Hopefully he'll see counseling or enrichment as a way to forge a stronger marriage, rather than as a blame session, because ideally, those things are not meant/designed to place blame. y'all sound like you've got what it takes to have a good, long-lasting marriage, you just need a bit of direction to get you there! hugs, quank
LostInCosmos Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Jackie, you and I are in very similar situations. The W and I got married soon after college - we always had a beautiful friendship, little drama and well, just one of "those" relationships. The type our friends would look in on with envy. Fast forward about 4 years, and things have changed. While things are certainly not terrible, they are not very good either. As time passed we've grown in different directions. I want to live a cosmopolitan lifestyle (live in the city, go out socially often, lots of travel and little interest in starting a family). She has become a much more hearth and home type (just order take out and watch TV, wants to live in the 'burbs, start having babies, etc.). I cannot tell you how often I've heard this same story. People just change and grow WAY TO MUCH in their twenties. It's hard to see it before it happens, but the truth is you simply don't know yourself, let alone another person, well enough to commit your life to them in your early 20s. My heart aches for you, Jackie. I know exactly how you feel. I still love my W, but my passion for her has severely waned. I want her to be completely happy, I don't want to hurt her and what I'd REALLY like is for her to be more of what I want her to be. But that's not fair. And try as you might, you cannot change people. The best advice I can give you is to ask decide for yourself, "yes, I can live with X, Y and Z for the rest of my life" or you decide you can't. For me, I've narrowed down my problem to one giant deal-breaker: my wife no longer inspires me. For me, this is something I cannot live with - I am an extremely ambitious person that demands a lot out of himself and those around him. The fact is, I see my W more and more as a dependent than a partner. It's one of the most unsexy scenarios I can imagine. It's funny I wound up reading this post today... I actually cried myself to sleep last night because of something I overheard my W say to a friend over dinner - "he really loves the city, and I'm dealing with it, but I'm basically just waiting him out until he's ready to move to the suburbs and start having babies". This utterly depresses me - I want to live an adventure together! I want to drink life in deeply, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. It's infuriating to have this life view and be attached to someone who is just "waiting it out". Even with this I'm still not sure what I want to do. There is a something to be said for sticking with your commitment, working through the tough time together and emerging stronger. On the other hand, if we simply want incompatible things out of life, stretching this out only makes it harder on both of us. *sigh* I hope my story helped you, or at least made you feel a little less alone, Jackie. I hope you find your happiness.
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