simplythebest Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 My boyfriend of 5 months said he hadn't felt the chemistry between us yet. Does this mean he is not attracted to me at all? Is it over?
jenniferlm Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Well in my experience, when someone has said that, it's over. You can stay with him if you want, but you shouldn't count on there being any kind of a "real" future, or the relationship moving to the next level. Or...you can cut your losses, and move on to someone new who is open to the possibility of a LTR (a meaningful one) with you. It's only been 5 months, at least he didn't waste years of your life before telling you this...so try to look on the bright side, even though it's hard.
Author simplythebest Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 I e mailed him thinking that it was over bc if there is no chemistry there isn't a relationship and he replied that personalities can compensate for chemistry. Is th is true?
BCCA Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 I e mailed him thinking that it was over bc if there is no chemistry there isn't a relationship and he replied that personalities can compensate for chemistry. Is th is true? Are you officially a couple, or are you just seeing eachother?
jenniferlm Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 well personally, I think he's just trying to "hold on" to what may be an "easy" thing for him. He has you now, he's told you basically that there is no future. But he doesn't want to let you go, as he knows you will find someone who will be into you and see a future! Why would he do this? Perhaps he wants to still get laid, perhaps he doesn't like being alone, or perhaps he's the type who likes to hold onto someone until he's found someone else to replace them with. I'd ask him why he still wants to see you when there is no chemistry, and keep you from finding someone who WOULD think there was enough there to move things to the next level. Why would he still want to keep you from finding someone who will truly love you.
Author simplythebest Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 We've been officially a couple for about 5 months. When i said "but it feels like continuing this would be as foolish as rubbing two sticks in the hopes that it will start a fire, it's just never going to happen." he replied that personalities can compensate for chemistry. He then moved on to a list of things he expects in the future such as a clean house, dinner, etc. I thought it was a little weird. what do you guys think
BCCA Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 We've been officially a couple for about 5 months. When i said "but it feels like continuing this would be as foolish as rubbing two sticks in the hopes that it will start a fire, it's just never going to happen." he replied that personalities can compensate for chemistry. He then moved on to a list of things he expects in the future such as a clean house, dinner, etc. I thought it was a little weird. what do you guys think RUN!!! He's using you. He's telling you he doesnt see feel chemistry, then saying clean the house, cook my food, etc. He wants a maid he can sleep with, not a girlfriend. He's basically given you a disclaimer - no chemistry - so he can leave at any time and not even feel guilty. Personality can make up for chemistry? What the hell does that even mean? Its very vague, especially since he isnt saying YOUR personality makes up for the lack of chemistry. Hes feeding you false hopes to keep you from wising up. You deserve someone who feels attracted to you, and who you dont have to worry about this kind of stuff with. This guy isnt the one, I would head for the hills.
jenniferlm Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 very weird. the only time in my life that a guy said there was no chemistry, but still wanted to get married, and quoted me what he was looking for in a mate, I found out he was gay/bi. Of course he never felt any "chemistry" with me! LoL.... I'm not saying this is the case and that he's gay/bi...I'm just telling you this so you will have some inkling of how off the wall this guy is. Do you think you could find someone better? Would you rather break up now or five years from now? Do you think you should take this as a warning sign?
Author simplythebest Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 RUN!!! He's using you. He's telling you he doesnt see feel chemistry, then saying clean the house, cook my food, etc. He wants a maid he can sleep with, not a girlfriend. He's basically given you a disclaimer - no chemistry - so he can leave at any time and not even feel guilty. Personality can make up for chemistry? What the hell does that even mean? Its very vague, especially since he isnt saying YOUR personality makes up for the lack of chemistry. Hes feeding you false hopes to keep you from wising up. You deserve someone who feels attracted to you, and who you dont have to worry about this kind of stuff with. This guy isnt the one, I would head for the hills. He was actually talking about the future as in if we were to get married in the future.
GorillaTheater Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 he replied that personalities can compensate for chemistry. He then moved on to a list of things he expects in the future such as a clean house, dinner, etc. I thought it was a little weird. what do you guys think Well, if you were merely biking buddies, "personalities" would certainly be enough; no chemistry required. But it seems to me that a certain minimal level of chemistry is required to sustain a true relationship, and he doesn't think it exists between you two. On the other hand he would be happy for you to be his maid. And presumably he's happy to get a periodic roll in the hay. I'd say the route you're on is pretty clear. What do you want?
jenniferlm Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Even if you do get married, he's clearly stated that what he's looking for from you is something of a MAID role, not friend/lover/equal. Don't you think you deserve better? He's going to try to talk himself out of this, it's up to you. Either move on and find someone who will truly love YOU. ALL of you. Or... stay with him cause he's holding out a carrot for you....waste some of your time, and then end up with him leaving down the road anyways, And he won't have to feel guilty and he SHOULDN'T feel guilty. Why won't he be at fault? Because he told you early on there was NO chemistry. The fault will be yours. The end.
BCCA Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 He was actually talking about the future as in if we were to get married in the future. Well, is it 1953? Do you want to marry someone whose idea of what a wife should be is someone to cook and clean the house, while he comes home from work and watches the game with a beer? Do you want to be June Clever? Here is the best thing you can do: ask him if he sees a future with you, what he means about this personality thing, and what he wants out of this relationship? DO NOT accept vague or ambiguos answers, which he may try and feed you. I just dont see any clear indication of what this guy wants from you.
Author simplythebest Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 I guess what he offers me is the opportuity to be a suburban housewife. I see it clearly now.
stillafool Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 I guess what he offers me is the opportuity to be a suburban housewife. I see it clearly now. And, be married to a man who says he has no chemistry with you which will ultimately result in him having an affair with someone who makes him feel chemistry. I have to ask also, what do you want?
Author simplythebest Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 It really, really hurt to realize that he felt absolutely nothing for me. I had no idea of how he felt for me. I guess i took it as him meaning that he did not love me yet, but that it would come in the future. Up to a certain point that was ok for me. I didn't expect him to love me just yet, but at least that he had some sort of feeling for me. From his response I realized that he doesn't and maybe he never will. I must admit that what initiallt attracted me to him were his traditional values, which I partly share with him. I don't think I like what he offers me though, a marriage or a relationship without love, kind of depressing.
Author simplythebest Posted March 6, 2009 Author Posted March 6, 2009 Thanks to all of you who responded. We ended the relationship yesterday. I'm a little sad, but I guess in the long run it was for the best. Thanks to all of you.
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