TheBigQuestion Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Hey everyone. I've been regularly hanging out with this girl now for a good 3-4 weeks, although we've spoken on the phone/over AIM for a good while before that as well. I'd say that we've hit it off very well. Few awkward silences, an amazing amount of things in common, good conversation, and so forth. We've had sex twice in the past week now and that was also very good. She texts me pretty consistently throughout the day. She's even passed a little test I devised in which I asked her to hang out with me with less than an hour's notice on more than one occasion. I was sick the other day and she immediately offered to bring me soup/tea/drugs, and actually did so. She doesn't seem to mind that hanging out with me has made her late for work and somewhat cut back on the time she spends studying, among other things. I'm pretty convinced at this point that I'd want to make this "official"/long-term or however you want to describe it. That's the good stuff. The bad stuff is that based on some of her other circumstances, I'm not entirely sure when that particular topic of conversation should come up, or whether I should be the one to do it or not. She's about 4 months removed from an 18-month long relationship that ended with what I've been told by mutual friends was a rough breakup. One of these mutual friends told me (although this was about 3 weeks ago) that he "didn't think she was looking for a boyfriend right now." Unfortunately I'm not the best at reading women. Are the things I listed in the "good stuff" section typical ways of women saying "Ask me to be your girlfriend already you jerk"? I personally do think so to some extent, but I've just been made so skeptical and paranoid about these sorts of things over the years that I'm hesitant to act one way or another. So I guess my question is, should I just keep on hanging out with her without bringing anything up about what the "future" should hold for a while, and then do it myself after a long time? Or should I keep doing these things and just wait for that conversation to be initiated by her? Or should I initiate such a conversation sooner rather than later? (If it helps, she's demonstrated repeatedly that she needs to be led. She didn't really initiate any of the times we hung out, nor any physical advances, although she did respond to most of these quite eagerly). Thanks for your input. This girl is something really special and I don't want to screw things up before things really even begin
rlindzie Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 if it was me than i would want you to ask me to be ur gf. there is no reson you should frea asking her, she wont reject you it is clear that she is into you. I mean i would never bring a guy im not tryin to get with soup and stuff. and i wouldnt be late to work if i wasnt really into him. I think she deff. wants to be your girl. So i say take her somewhere nice like a park or nice resturant or even a nice night in and ask her. hope that helps! good luck [not that you need it;) ]
Author TheBigQuestion Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 Thanks for the input! That's very encouraging
rlindzie Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 your welcome! you have a good deal going im happy for you! [even though i dont know you lol] have fun!
yeex Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Actually i would advise waiting. You are experiencing a good thing right now. If you pull the GF question too soon for her it may put her on the spot. I fell into that recently. i thought for sure this girl would be my gf, and she agreed, but just two weeks later she says that she was not ready for a BF. It can be hard to backtrack. i wish I would have waited and played it cool and give it more time. I now realize you can look desperate asking those things too early. Since it is going well, I would advise waiting like three months before asking that. Take it slow. It is easier to rush things than take it slow, but slow usually works best.
Sam Spade Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 I always prefer to take the relationship to the previous level: http://www.theonion.com/content/news/boyfriend_ready_to_take
Author TheBigQuestion Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 Yeah that's exactly what I was most apprehensive about. The last thing I want to do is move it too fast and come across as clingy/desperate. I've so far done a pretty good job of not appearing that way. It's pretty amazing how always being slightly aloof and then sometimes appearing very available works so well. I had no plans of asking her this IMMEDIATELY or anything, but in general it seems like things are going in the right direction, and that's good to hear.
SoulSearch_CO Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 If I were in your shoes, I think I'd just let her know that I'm not seeing anyone else and I really like her. But maybe hold off on the GF question for the time being.
Author TheBigQuestion Posted March 6, 2009 Author Posted March 6, 2009 Oh, I forgot to mention one thing which may or may not be important. I know for a fact that she has been seeing at least one other guy. I'm not sure to what extent or if it's been at exactly the same time as me, but it was definitely happening towards late January/early February. Is this something to take into consideration? Should I consider this something to quicken/slow down the pace at which I carry things?
kdark Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 When did asking someone to be your girlfriend come into the picture in dating? I've never had to do this, it was always just assumed by both parties.
Trialbyfire Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 kdark, this is usually the exclusivity discussion. When you assume, sometimes it can come back to bite you in the arse in that there are plenty of people who multi-date, who don't disclose that this is happening.
kdark Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 kdark, this is usually the exclusivity discussion. When you assume, sometimes it can come back to bite you in the arse in that there are plenty of people who multi-date, who don't disclose that this is happening. Ok. Got it. I've never looked at it as a full blown "discussion", just a simple question. And the answer has always been no, so I've never been in that situation.
Trialbyfire Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 Ok. Got it. I've never looked at it as a full blown "discussion", just a simple question. And the answer has always been no, so I've never been in that situation.That's exactly the way it should be! A simple question, then just as quickly, concensus. All done!
Author TheBigQuestion Posted March 7, 2009 Author Posted March 7, 2009 Well kdark, I think I provided an example where it's not 100% clear exactly what a person wants, at least not to me. This is someone who has demonstrated no qualms about seeing more than one person at the same time (or so I believe), and since we've had no exclusivity discussion, I'm not one to all of a sudden get offended at the prospect of her seeing multiple people. I'm simply wondering just based on all the context I've provided (the previous relationship and the somewhat flaky nature) when is the best time and what is the best way to make the relationship more serious. So far I'm under the impression that I need to say what I feel more explicit but that I probably shouldn't bring any talk of being "official" into the picture just yet.
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