boldjack Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 This a problem, not a major problem, but a worriesome problem. I used to be a player until I met and married my wife. We went to my class reunion and one of my exes was there, we talked(with my wife present) and this woman mentioned that she still has my name tattoed on her shoulder . My wife is pissed, reallllllly pissed. It's been a number of years, and my wife knows that I'm totally faithful, but she can't seem to get past this evidence of my past. I would PAY to have the tat removed and told the lady and my wife so. What do I do? Ride it out, apologize for the next ___ years, make a joke about it, what? Oh, she (wife) told my kids(grown) about it and they think it's funny. My wife seem to have no sense of humor regarding this.
Geishawhelk Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Hmmmm.... I see your concern, but really? This is her issue, and her problem. Just make sure you forget about it, don't mention it, and shrug it off as just jinks from the past. if your wife is taking this so badly, you need to be completely relaxed about it, and make like she's creating a fuss over nothing.... and let her know that. If she wants to get all pissy and angry about it, that's her call, but you're not playing. It's unimportant, it was a lifetime ago, and frankly, if you haven't had a good enough life together since you married, for her to then get so defensive and irate about this, then you're frankly astonished......
Author boldjack Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 We've had a great life, so far. This is just the first time she has been confronted by my past, in person. We live several states away from where I did my nasty business.
Jersey Shortie Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 From my female perspective, the worst thing you can do is ignore or act like the her feelings mean nothing. Or even make a joke out of something you know she has no sense of humor over. It's pretty much the same feeling men get when their wives don't want make the effort to have sex with them; resentful and upset that your needs are being blown off. And if your wife joked about the lack of sex, it probably wouldn't be funny to you. With that said, me, with all my thoughts on guys and porn and other women, I think that your wife is being harsh on the situation. She is probably a little jealous and that's normal but you haven't been in contact with this woman for a number of years and do not have say over what she does with her body. It's probably more to do with her concerns over your past than the tat itself. But seriously, kudos to you for telling both of them you would pay to remove it. if my guy did that for me, I'd be really impressed. What did they say when you said that? I think all you can do is take her feelings seriously on this but remind her you love her, are with her and hav no control on what another woman does with her body. Try to talk opennly and sentively with her. The other woman isn't your life anymore.
Geishawhelk Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Like I said, this really is her issue and her problem. If she's now psyching about this one tiny thing, in comparison to how good everything has been for you two guys.....my oh my.... she's super-insecure, isn't she? has anything like this happened before?
Ronni_W Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Your old g/f acted really, really dim-witted and insensitively . I do agree with Geisha that your wife's own thoughts-beliefs are turning it into a bigger 'crisis' than the actual situation calls for but...trying to put myself in your wife's shoes: I think it MAY help to relieve some of the tension to say something like, "Hon, I'm sorry I ever got involved with someone so dim-witted and insensitive. I can't imagine why she felt it necessary to do that to us. If I would have seen it back then, of course I wouldn't have given her a second look. But, bringing us to the present, I sure would hate for such an insensitive clod to mess with everything lovely and beautiful that we have together, wouldn't you?" That is, apologize for your ex's insensitivity (even though you had absolutely no control over it), and make it clear that YOU were also negatively impacted -- on your wife's behalf but also because you felt kinda 'icky' to be reminded of things you have NO desire to be reminded of. It's also, maybe, to help your wife understand that you did not and do not have ANY power to stop people from tattooing your name on their shoulder, if that's what they want to do. Other than that, I guess you could offer to tattoo your wife's name on your shoulder...or a more private body part?
Author boldjack Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 I'm not going to tat anything, anywhere. When the ex did it(for my birthday) I was pissed, (flattered) but pissed. I thought it was a stupid thing to do. I have told my wife this and have apologized. Ididn't DO anything, but am sorry that she has had to come face to face with my seedy past. Yes, this is the first time my wife has had to face anything like this, . She has never known me as I was back then, I think that's what's throwing her. When I offered to pay for removal, my wife said it wasn't important(she was in public, and didn't want the ex to know she was upset). My ex said she would look into it and get info about the procedure and it's cost and possible scars? This would involve MORE contact with my ex, which wouldn't make things any better. As I said an irksome problem.
2sure Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 MANY years ago, when only biker type guys and military got tatoos... I went through a fashion faze that included leather and fringe, so added the accessory of a biker with a harley. Did this for about three years, until the whole sexy executive look came about. So, anyway - during the leather faze I had two boyfriends who had my name put on their arms. Fast foward at least 15 years... Husband and I are guests at a fund raiser, being introduced and glad handing through the crowd...and a biker type guy calls me by name and H and I have no idea who he is...until he shows me my name on his arm. Yep, it happens.
GorillaTheater Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 I'm not going to tat anything, anywhere. Good man. I spent four years in the Navy in the 80s and didn't even get a tattoo then. I adhere to the George Carlin school on tattoos: never do anything that makes it easier for the cops to identify you.
GorillaTheater Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 MANY years ago, when only biker type guys and military got tatoos... I went through a fashion faze that included leather and fringe, so added the accessory of a biker with a harley. Did this for about three years, until the whole sexy executive look came about. So, anyway - during the leather faze I had two boyfriends who had my name put on their arms. Fast foward at least 15 years... Husband and I are guests at a fund raiser, being introduced and glad handing through the crowd...and a biker type guy calls me by name and H and I have no idea who he is...until he shows me my name on his arm. Yep, it happens. LOL, great story!
Author boldjack Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 Yep, monkeyman, When I was in the Army, I thought about it once or twice. Merely brain farts.
Author boldjack Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 2, you sound a lot like my ex. You got any ink on you?
2sure Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Expensively and painfully removed. Got a discount though, because I bought new boobs at the same time.
Ronni_W Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 this is the first time my wife has had to face anything like this, . She has never known me as I was back then, I think that's what's throwing her. Yep. I recently read a post about "marital history" being changed, and the impact it can have. I do agree with Jersey Shortie to not just ignore your wife's current emotional state. Any chance of you offering to your wife the opportunity to ask you about whatever she feels needs asking about, as it relates to your past? There is also a 'personal history' questionnaire at marriagebuilders.com, which may be helpful. (It's actually designed for pre-marital, I think, but perhaps better late than never?) PS: I wasn't really serious about you getting a tattoo
Trimmer Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 I agree with Jersey and Ronni that even though you clearly cannot control your ex's behavior, you should be sure to put yourself - emotionally - on your wife's side. If you are treating this as a joke, she will feel that her feelings are invalidated, and that may be what's driving her emotions at this point. On the other hand, you can still firmly disclaim any responsibility or control over your ex, while sympathizing and validating your wife's discomfort. In other words, a lot of this may be getting exacerbated if she feels like you don't "get it." If you show her some compassion and understanding, that may get past a lot of this.
Trimmer Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Any chance of you offering to your wife the opportunity to ask you about whatever she feels needs asking about, as it relates to your past? There is also a 'personal history' questionnaire at marriagebuilders.com, which may be helpful. (It's actually designed for pre-marital, I think, but perhaps better late than never?) Yeah, I am thinking her discomfort isn't so much about this specific woman and this specific tattoo, but the bigger picture of your past that has come into clearer focus for her. Hey, I usually say what's in the past is in the past... But she may not be there yet, and she may need your help to get there. And I'll guarantee you that if she's feeling this as a real concern, that trying to bring her around to seeing it with a sense of humor - before you address it seriously, anyway - is a bad mismatch.
manugeorge Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 I think I'd be secretly flattered that my husband was/is such a stud to actually have someone carve his name on their shoulders and leave it there for years. But that's just me:p While I agree that your wife's feelings shouldn't be dismissed offhandedly--because no one's feelings should be dismissed offhandedly, it's just rude. I also think that you should steer the discussion to the REAL issue at hand which is most likely her ignorance of your past..probably because you haven't been forthcoming about it. It is not about whether some chick tatooed your name on her shoulders, you obviously don't have any control over that, and you did not reciprocate the guesture.
Heroic Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Wow, complain to her that she doesn't have a tattoo of your name.....I kid, I kid.
Author boldjack Posted March 6, 2009 Author Posted March 6, 2009 Thanx to all for the advice. We (wife and I ) sat down after dinner and had a heart-to-heart about this. I have always told her that if there was anything she wanted to know about my past, she should ask, and I would tell all, warts and everything. My wife said the thing that made her mad, :mad:was the attitude of my ex, who (apparently) made reference to the fact that she (ex) was a big part of my past and how much my wife was ignorant of such. I told my wife that one minute with her was worth ALL of my past. She then made several unflattering remarks about my ex and snuggled into my shoulder. Things could be worse.
Ronni_W Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Good job! Glad to hear things turned out well. (I trust you wholeheartedly agreed with all those unflattering remarks about that particular ex...and will INITIATE such remarks the next time some airhead tries to mess with your marriage and your wife's happy feelings? )
Spark1111 Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Be compassionate and understanding and take her feelings and even insecurities, VERY seriously. The easiest way to understand what someone feels is to put yourself in the SAME exact position. SO, you go to her reunion and a man comes up to the both of you, and it's an ex boyfriends of hers, and he proudly bares HIS ARM with HER NAME on it, oh-so-many years later. Boldjack, how do you feel? Is it trivial to you now?
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