sad_panda Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 We all know that even when we are progressively getting better, some days will be inevitably bad. Take today, for example. It's not a good day for me, oh no. But before I discuss why today is a bad day, let me tell you about my progress so far. It has only been three months since my ex-bf dumped me but I'm doing relatively fine. I faced my grief head-on, cried buckets and buckets of tears, wallowed in my pain, took responsibility of my shortcomings, and accepted the blame he put on my shoulders (it was a "it's not me, it's you" kind of break-up). I did nothing but blame myself, feel guilty, and wish I could turn back time to make everything right. Then I found out by accident that my ex left me for another girl. I craved to know more until I was sure. It was self-torture, what I went through, but I wanted to know what was really going on because I was tired of carrying all the blame. So after I confirmed that he hooked up with a girl from his work just a few days after we broke up, I bounced back fast, using my anger as the fuel to keep me going. Finally, I no longer blamed myself, and myself alone. I was able to see not only my shortcomings, but his as well. I was able to recognize that we just weren't a good match, and that I settled down for less when I chose to be with him. Slowly the anger I felt towards my ex dissipated and gave way to understanding because the time apart made me realize that I really didn't love him that much in the first place. It was easy to pick myself up after that. I went out more, did the things I've always wanted to try, reached out to old friends, reconnected with my family, became active in church, etc. I started dating again around mid-February, and I've been having a blast ever since. But of course, as I said, there will still be bad days. Today is one. I'm not yet completely healed--only 80%. However, the remaining 20% is so hard to overcome. It's like the last 10 pounds--they're always the hardest to get rid of. So close and yet so far! Why is today a bad day? Well, it's the anniversary of the day we met. We celebrated our anniversary as an official couple in June, but we also celebrated March 5th for the last couple of years. I found myself crying (something I haven't done in weeks), wondering why I haven't heard from him (with the exception of his birthday greeting to me) at all. I felt so forgotten, so set aside. So this was it? Two and a half years, all down the drain? I should be happy that he isn't bothering me, that he's letting me heal in peace. Most of the time, I am happy. But today, his persistent silence made me feel miserable. His silence means that he is happy with his new girl, that he no longer wants me at all, and that he may even be relieved that I'm not disturbing him with any form of contact. The sad thing is, I don't want him back. But I have to admit that every now and then I find myself wishing he would come back just so I could reject him. The 20% that's stopping me from healing completely is still angry and resentful, and still resistant to the idea that yes, it's possible that I'm replaceable and forgettable after all. It's this stupid 20%, this equivalent of the last ten pounds, that's weighing me down. Am I too hard on myself? It has only been three months, after all. But I just want to reach the stage of not caring at all whether or not he comes back. How do I get there?
janjan Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 I think you're doing great. I'm about three months along as well, and I still have down times, but they are far less now and I know they will be gone completely soon. Just know that you're not alone, and you're one of the people who made the choice to move on! I know the feeling of wanting them to come back so you can reject them, I felt it strongly at first but it matters less and less now. It will happen, you will have moved on, and them coming back or not won't really matter to you. You can't force it to happen right now this minute, but you can control the things that influence you to move you forward or backward.
ATR Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 I'm in the exact same position. I could not understand why i am not 100% over her, after i found out she left my for another guy 4months ago. I have come to the conclusion that when i finally date someone else (properly), the final piece of my heart that is hers... will fade. Where are you - next girl
gwynieatpain Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 But before I discuss why today is a bad day, let me tell you about my progress so far. It has only been three months since my ex-bf dumped me but I'm doing relatively fine. I faced my grief head-on, cried buckets and buckets of tears, wallowed in my pain, took responsibility of my shortcomings, and accepted the blame he put on my shoulders (it was a "it's not me, it's you" kind of break-up). I did nothing but blame myself, feel guilty, and wish I could turn back time to make everything right. Then I found out by accident that my ex left me for another girl. I craved to know more until I was sure. It was self-torture, what I went through, but I wanted to know what was really going on because I was tired of carrying all the blame. So after I confirmed that he hooked up with a girl from his work just a few days after we broke up, I bounced back fast, using my anger as the fuel to keep me going. Finally, I no longer blamed myself, and myself alone. I was able to see not only my shortcomings, but his as well. I was able to recognize that we just weren't a good match, and that I settled down for less when I chose to be with him. Slowly the anger I felt towards my ex dissipated and gave way to understanding because the time apart made me realize that I really didn't love him that much in the first place. It was easy to pick myself up after that. I went out more, did the things I've always wanted to try, reached out to old friends, reconnected with my family, became active in church, etc. I started dating again around mid-February, and I've been having a blast ever since. OMG! I was going through the same thing as well. Same pattern, different stories. Especially the part 'I really didn't love him that much in the first place', it spent me 4 months to realize it. But today, his persistent silence made me feel miserable. His silence means that he is happy with his new girl, that he no longer wants me at all, and that he may even be relieved that I'm not disturbing him with any form of contact. Please sweetie. Don't put yourself into this. It's a kind of self-torturing. You don't want him back anyways don't you? Think about these ... -He put all the blames on your shoulder means he's trying to be the Mr. Always Right. He's confusing and doesn't have the gut to take the responsibilities. You know well enough. -He went straight to another girl does not mean he loves her. Maybe he's lonely, cannot get over you so he needs a replacement, or simply wants to be wanted. Who knows? -His silence does not mean he is happy with his new girl, trust me! -For some reason, I have the feeling that he would be more happy that you give some disturbances to him, a way of ego boost. Of coz, this is the last thing I would recommend to anyone, including myself. Thing is, you should focus on yourself and stop assuming/ guessing. The sad thing is, I don't want him back. But I have to admit that every now and then I find myself wishing he would come back just so I could reject him. The 20% that's stopping me from healing completely is still angry and resentful, and still resistant to the idea that yes, it's possible that I'm replaceable and forgettable after all. It's this stupid 20%, this equivalent of the last ten pounds, that's weighing me down. Am I too hard on myself? It has only been three months, after all. But I just want to reach the stage of not caring at all whether or not he comes back. How do I get there? Your wound is still fresh really. It could take a long time to feel miserable and is completely fine to feel torn sometimes. Why bother? In the last email, my Ex wrote to me "If you don't want to talk to me or forget about me that's fine." It hurt like hell. Now I'm like ... whatever. I have been with him for 1/4 time of his life. Whether he wants me or not, he will never forget me. The NC I do to him just gonna shows him "Yes you are right. I don't want to talk to you anymore in my whole life. I can live without you! You are the one who is replaceable and forgettable. Amen."
Author sad_panda Posted March 6, 2009 Author Posted March 6, 2009 He went straight to another girl does not mean he loves her. Maybe he's lonely, cannot get over you so he needs a replacement, or simply wants to be wanted. Who knows? Maybe the reason I have a hard time letting go of this one is because I suspect he cheated on me, at least emotionally, when we were together. When he broke up with me he already knew that someone else was waiting for him, and that just kills me. It's not jealousy that's eating me up, it's the feeling that I might have been such a blind fool all along. For some reason, I have the feeling that he would be more happy that you give some disturbances to him, a way of ego boost. Of coz, this is the last thing I would recommend to anyone, including myself. That's what everyone else has been telling me, and based from my ex's blog entries and Facebook status messages (don't worry I stopped looking for about three weeks now), I had a feeling that he was provoking me and wanted to hear a reaction from me because I was really dead silent. He wasn't into blogging about his emotions before the break-up, but after we separated he just about blabbed details that shouldn't be shared publicly in the first place. He even had the nerve to blog about how our relationship was largely based on lust, and that he realized that lust can never be enough to sustain a relationship. Of all the things he blabbed about in his blog, that was one that hurt me the most. I mean, really, he stayed for 2.5 years for the sex? On the other hand I should take that as a compliment in one way or the other, because it means I'm that good and hot (hahaha just kidding). But even through all that, I kept my mouth shut. My Facebook profile is set to friends-only and he's in my blocked list. And even though I know that my ex couldn't see my profile, I never put anything in there that references our relationship because I have our mutual friends in my friends list. I also don't have a blog. I only share my thoughts publicly in this forum and in eNotAlone, but then again no one knows him and me there anyway. He also talked to our mutual friends about our relationship, but they never heard anything from me. My sister said that it was amazing and scary how I did it, how I managed to make it seem like I deleted my ex off from my life. Of course she knows about the random relapses, like what happened yesterday. I've gone a long way, so I really wouldn't break NC with him. Whether he is grateful that I'm on NC or wishes that I would disturb him every now and then, I guess I would never know--and I'm scared to know to be honest. Thing is, you should focus on yourself and stop assuming/ guessing. Yes, I will do my best to do that. Now I'm like ... whatever. I have been with him for 1/4 time of his life. Whether he wants me or not, he will never forget me. The NC I do to him just gonna shows him "Yes you are right. I don't want to talk to you anymore in my whole life. I can live without you! You are the one who is replaceable and forgettable. Amen." I've only been with my ex for 10% of his life but I honestly believe he won't ever ever forget about me. But the manner with which I will be remembered, that I don't know. You really should've heard him list all my faults during the break-up, and even after that in his blogs. You would think that I've never done him any good in the 2.5 years that we were together, and I bet his readers are wondering why the hell he even stayed with me for that long if I was that horrible.
gwynieatpain Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Maybe the reason I have a hard time letting go of this one is because I suspect he cheated on me, at least emotionally, when we were together. When he broke up with me he already knew that someone else was waiting for him, and that just kills me. It's not jealousy that's eating me up, it's the feeling that I might have been such a blind fool all along. I have gone through all these as well and yes my ex cheated on me emotionally and physically. First I had the same feeling like a blind fool. But the next things I had were questioning myself - "if I was not good enough for him?" or "why he chose this woman (these women actually) over me?" etc. haha it didnt take me long to get over it though. When I saw his new girl(s)' photos, my self-doubt were all gone. You are doing pretty good so far and indeed you are much stronger than me. So keep going. That's what everyone else has been telling me, and based from my ex's blog entries and Facebook status messages (don't worry I stopped looking for about three weeks now), I had a feeling that he was provoking me and wanted to hear a reaction from me because I was really dead silent. He wasn't into blogging about his emotions before the break-up, but after we separated he just about blabbed details that shouldn't be shared publicly in the first place. He even had the nerve to blog about how our relationship was largely based on lust, and that he realized that lust can never be enough to sustain a relationship. Of all the things he blabbed about in his blog, that was one that hurt me the most. I mean, really, he stayed for 2.5 years for the sex? On the other hand I should take that as a compliment in one way or the other, because it means I'm that good and hot (hahaha just kidding). Haha yes you are good and hot, smart too. Your silence treatment is hurting him. Possibly he was wondering why there was no begging acts from you as well. He's now trying to justify his decision, either to blame you for causing him pain, or to tell the whole world that he wasn't that into you. He wants the attentions. But even through all that, I kept my mouth shut. My Facebook profile is set to friends-only and he's in my blocked list. And even though I know that my ex couldn't see my profile, I never put anything in there that references our relationship because I have our mutual friends in my friends list. I also don't have a blog. I only share my thoughts publicly in this forum and in eNotAlone, but then again no one knows him and me there anyway. He also talked to our mutual friends about our relationship, but they never heard anything from me. My sister said that it was amazing and scary how I did it, how I managed to make it seem like I deleted my ex off from my life. Of course she knows about the random relapses, like what happened yesterday. Good girl. It only goes to show the others that you are a bigger person. You really should've heard him list all my faults during the break-up, and even after that in his blogs. You would think that I've never done him any good in the 2.5 years that we were together, and I bet his readers are wondering why the hell he even stayed with me for that long if I was that horrible. Sometimes I just cannot fathom the dumpers who keep on rationalizing their coward acts. Anyhow, it's for your best to stop looking at his blog. Make sure that he has no way to get access to yours too, I mean the fb or emails or forum whatever.
janjan Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 It's not jealousy that's eating me up, it's the feeling that I might have been such a blind fool all along. Hey you're not alone in this, don't worry about this too much. I was wary myself of the last girl i was interested in, there were clear signs she was of poor character (obvious lies, making things i confided in her about herself), but as i stupidly let myself fall for her, i started overlooking and becoming blind to these things. i know we have our down days, but the days where you laugh at your self and are like "damn i was so stupid" will become the norm. you can't get over it instantly, but for me, i made the choice that it will soon be behind me, and i have faith that will happen. i hope that helps!
janjan Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 -He put all the blames on your shoulder means he's trying to be the Mr. Always Right. He's confusing and doesn't have the gut to take the responsibilities. You know well enough. -He went straight to another girl does not mean he loves her. Maybe he's lonely, cannot get over you so he needs a replacement, or simply wants to be wanted. Who knows? -His silence does not mean he is happy with his new girl, trust me! -For some reason, I have the feeling that he would be more happy that you give some disturbances to him, a way of ego boost. Of coz, this is the last thing I would recommend to anyone, including myself. Wow this is a dead on list, applicable for guys too! I keep these things in mind and I know my instant No Contact was the right thing to do.
Author sad_panda Posted March 6, 2009 Author Posted March 6, 2009 Anyhow, it's for your best to stop looking at his blog. I've been off his blog, Facebook, and his other forms of internet presence. It's one of the hardest yet best decisions I've ever done. I'm a bit worried, though, about what he writes about me now, haha. I'm sure all of his friends now believe I was the nightmare girlfriend. Oh well. This is, after all, the same ex who wanted to add my sister, my cousins, and my friends back to his Facebook. I told them not to add him if they care about my feelings. I don't want people on my side to know what he thinks of me. I'm ruined enough in the eyes of his own family and friends.
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