cek Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Is it just me, or does anyone else feel this way? It seems to me, that if a man wants an ex girlfriend back, most find his gestures to be romantic and sweet. However, if it is the woman who wants an ex boyfriend back, her gestures are often seen as needy, clingy, overly emotional. Why is that? Of course, every situation is different, and there are many variables involved in the relationship, why it ended, who ended it, if there is still contact, etc. But in general, why can't a woman try to reconcile a relationship, and pursue an ex boyfriend, without coming across so negatively? Can't her gestures be considered romantic and sweet, just like when a man tries to reconcile a relationship? Again, I realize every relationship is very different. It simply seems to me that this is a generality, and I'm curious as to why there seems to be this double standard in dating and reconciling.
CaliGuy Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 No, men who want their exs back are just as needy and clingy in every way a woman is. That is why they fail.
samspade Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 I disagree. Any time someone who is dumped tries to get his or her ex back, he/she looks desperate and sad. Regardless of sex. Unless you're talking about the movies, wherein John Cusack types engage in stalkerish methods to get back their ex-girlfriends and it's considered "romantic," I'd say men and women are on equal footing on this subject - in the real world. I've never heard of a guy acting like a supplicating wimp be described as romantic.
wowIlose Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 I really want to know where you got that idea. Just read around this forum and you will know that women and men both equally seem desperate when trying to get an ex back. Neither sex has an advantage, it all comes down to your actions.
playlislay Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Ha! This post made me laugh! lol! My ex cheated in the first 2 months, he begged and pleaded, sent flowers at 3 am. He knew he was wrong and done a bloody brilliant job at making it up to me. I thought his begging and flowers were really sweet and yes, romantic. He would drive down at the drop of a hat to sort thinsg out. Desperate yes, but I APPRECIATED that effort. Too damn right for him to act this way after his actions!! I didnt like the crying though, that was too needy. Crocodile tears in my eyes. And yes, I took him back, I loved him. A year down the line and I am the one who mucks up. Not by cheating but by being a complete and utter b***h over his birthday and xmas (5 days apart). I STUPIDLY asked if we were over and he said yes. I dont know what the hell I was thinking, slightly troubled by his past actions, expected him of actually cheating on me, yadda yadda yadda. Anywho, I was DEVASTATED! I knew I was totally in the wrong and REALLY wanted to get him back-you seriously dont know what youve got till its gone! Love of my life shalll we say. I begged. I pleaded. I turned up at his house. I sent flowers. I even brought him an expensive (I had no choice over its price!) gift to show that I wanted to trust him and to say that Im sorry. Would he talk to me about it? Not really. Would he give me a second chance? No! He didnt take my attempts of winning him back into consideration. WTF am I meant to do? I done EVERYTHING that he did in the hope that he would understand how guilty I felt, how sorry I was and how much I wanted him back in my life. Totally double standards!!!! I wouldnt mind but he lead me to believe that he was going to propose in the next 6 months. I hate myself for giving him a chance and I hate him for being such an evil twat. Understanding and loving couple my a**e! So yes, double standards. (
BCCA Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 So yes, double standards. ( Well, its not a double standard, its just that he didnt react the same way as you did to the same attempts. That doesnt mean that all men would do that, or if you tried that with another guy it wouldnt work. Truth be told, people dont like begging, pleading, gifts, etc...unless they want the person back anyway, and just need some convincing. And I have to point out, you admit that you brought up the issue of splitting, and he only agreed, and youve gotten back together once...the idea of a third chance is unappealing to most people. Really, it didnt work twice, the third time is probably not going to be the charm. I done EVERYTHING that he did It all comes down to what worked on you didnt work on him. Not because of a double standard, but because men/women react to different things.
Author cek Posted March 6, 2009 Author Posted March 6, 2009 I really want to know where you got that idea. Just read around this forum and you will know that women and men both equally seem desperate when trying to get an ex back. Neither sex has an advantage, it all comes down to your actions. It was mostly a generality based on different things I've read on this and other forums. Many times, if a woman posted about wanting a second chance (myself included) the advice is to move on, or at least appear to have moved on. I have also read other posts by men wanting a second chance, who are often encouraged to do what they can to reconcile the relationship. I've read this on several different forums, not just this one. Of course, everything has to do with the circumstances of the relationship. No two relationships are alike. I got this idea from different posts I've read on different forums, and was interested to know if anyone believes that such "dating double standards" exist. That's all, only my own curiosity.
BCCA Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 I have also read other posts by men wanting a second chance, who are often encouraged to do what they can to reconcile I have never told any guy on here to ever do what he can to reconcile. My advice, for both sexes, is if youve been dumped, let it go, move on, and let the other person contact you if they want. Never wait for the to call, move on with your life as if they wont. the advice is to move on That IS the best advice, period. Anyone who isnt sure about you isnt worth the time of day.
Island Girl Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 The exes who tried to get me back - were whiney and pathetic. Talk about CLINGY. They were stuck like gum you step in on 105 degree day. And eventually it got to the point that I had to get really mean just to get them to leave me alone. Men and women are the same in that respect.
samspade Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 I have also read other posts by men wanting a second chance, who are often encouraged to do what they can to reconcile the relationship. I've read this on several different forums, not just this one. Usually these men are encouraged to enter this kind of folly by well-intentioned women, who honestly don't know what the hell they are talking about. The sad truth is that most women give terrible romantic advice to men, because they usually recommend men do what women idealize as being romantic: Chase after the girl, be the nice guy, sacrifice your pride for her, etc. The reality is that what most women want and what they say the want are completely incongruous - as many readily admit. This is because women make decisions based on emotion more often than men, who (if they're not the sorry heartbroken saps posting) are the more logical sex. Any man who knows anything will not advise his brother to chase after a girl who dumped him. Luckily there ARE some females on LS who tell it like it is. Thank God.
Author cek Posted March 7, 2009 Author Posted March 7, 2009 Usually these men are encouraged to enter this kind of folly by well-intentioned women, who honestly don't know what the hell they are talking about. The sad truth is that most women give terrible romantic advice to men, because they usually recommend men do what women idealize as being romantic: Chase after the girl, be the nice guy, sacrifice your pride for her, etc. The reality is that what most women want and what they say the want are completely incongruous - as many readily admit. This is because women make decisions based on emotion more often than men, who (if they're not the sorry heartbroken saps posting) are the more logical sex. Any man who knows anything will not advise his brother to chase after a girl who dumped him. Luckily there ARE some females on LS who tell it like it is. Thank God. Interesting perspective. I am a woman, and I can say that as a philosopher, I have to sort of be "trained" to look at situations objectively, and with more logic than emotion. I am also a physician, and therefore have the "problem solver" mentality. And, as I've mentioned on other posts, I am also physically disabled (not severely though). That too has provided me with a mentality of wanting to fix a problem and find the best solution. With all of this in my background, I personally look at each case individually. So yes, I would be one of those women on LS who tell it like it is. I am simply new to the forum, and looking for answers before I start responding to others' posts. Anyway, perhaps a better way of phrasing this is that it seems more socially acceptable for the man to chase after a woman, rather than a woman chase after a man. Though I am very glad to find the feedback I'm getting. It has always seemed to be such a double standard IMO, but I'm pleased to find that in fact it is NOT a double standard by any means. IMO, regardless of the sex of the poster, if the circumstances permit, there is no reason why either the dumper or the dumpee cannot initiate possible reconciliation.
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