Author CandyGirlXO Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 If you want advice from an old fart, here goes: Don't dread being single; dread having the happiness and life sucked out of you into the black hole of disinterest and disconnection. Sharing your life and happiness with someone is a true gift. Choose the recipient wisely Thanks for the advice, its always appreciated
Trialbyfire Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 carhill, that's some of the best advice I've seen in a long time, all neatly tied into one small post. So Candy, once again, what have you got to lose, in talking to him?
Author CandyGirlXO Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 carhill, that's some of the best advice I've seen in a long time, all neatly tied into one small post. So Candy, once again, what have you got to lose, in talking to him? Just moving too fast for him might scare him off. Maybe I should give it more time. Not too much longer, I can't deal with this much longer. I will probably bring some things up the next time I see him, which will probably be this weekend. I asked him what he is doing tomorrow, he told me his plans with friends. Asked me if I wanted him to cancel. I told him no don't do that, there are more days. Just wondering if I am too available for him, maybe I should tell him I am busy next time he wants to see me.
Trialbyfire Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Just moving too fast for him might scare him off. Maybe I should give it more time. Not too much longer, I can't deal with this much longer. I will probably bring some things up the next time I see him, which will probably be this weekend. I asked him what he is doing tomorrow, he told me his plans with friends. Asked me if I wanted him to cancel. I told him no don't do that, there are more days. Just wondering if I am too available for him, maybe I should tell him I am busy next time he wants to see me. How your relationship progresses will be dictated by the actions at the beginning. Right now, you fear loss. It's one of the most powerful relationship control tools out there. To put it succinctly, "come as you mean to go" because when you change the rules partway, it will come as a shock to him.
Author CandyGirlXO Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 look into his eyes. LOL yeah... well that I NEVER do! My own issue I guess. I have never looked into someones eyes while doing the deed.
Author CandyGirlXO Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 Your bf sounds exactly like mine... exactly. In fact if you weren't all the way on the east coast I might actually be wondering if we were dating the same guy! I have been with my bf for 15 months now and he's been like this since the beginning. It makes me a little crazy as well, leaves me feeling a bit unwanted and unmissed at times, un-thought-of... but being in this relationship has made me really look at myself. I've decided that just because he doesn't do things the way I wish he would does not mean that he isn't as into me as I am into him. He just carries himself differently and is more healthily independent. I, on the other hand, am more needy, and being with someone like him brings that out of me because the attention level is not what I desire. I really wish we talked more, that he texted more throughout the day just so I would know I am on his mind but some days he just doesn't. This used to make me extremely anxious, maybe because I was trying to control the situation too much. I would get to the point where I wanted to hear from him and I couldn't stand waiting around so I'd call him myself. I'd feel temporarily better but then I'd start obsessing about him again. I'd conjure up all these negative thoughts about us, about him... it was really awful. I forced myself to stop being that way, and now I am trying to make myself be more self-reliant, independent and happy without someone having to reassure me. My counselor used to tell me "Just because you are thinking something doesn't make it true, it's only true that this is what you are thinking" and this absolutely rings true in my relationship. My boyfriend just happens to have a bigger social life than I do and he is always doing something... he definitely has a life outside of me, but I know he loves me because we do have our time too. Could this be your man? EXACTLY, yes he has a lot more of a social life than me, and that is the problem. He is used to being single, so he has a lot of friends. I have mostly been in relationships, so besides that, sad but true, I do not have much of a life. I knew this going in, that he had a lot of friends, both male and female. But he was so burned before, and thats why he has been single for so long. That is why I am trying so hard to not take it so personal, and to give it time. He did make Valentine's Day really special for me, so he must like me. He just definately has a life outside of me. Which I know is healthy, just not something that I am used to. I guess all of my exes have always been just as needy as me.
Author CandyGirlXO Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 Try it next time and enjoy the extra intimacy. Yeah, I can't do that. Makes me feel uncomfortable even thinking about it. He has commented on it before, just like all my other EXES notice too. Even after 3 years with my EX I still never could look at him during sex. Maybe one night I need to just get trashed and try it. I don't know why I have that issue, I was sexually abused, but it wasn't violent or anything. That could be it.
carhill Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 OP, curious...how much of his busy social life does he include you in? Like, for example, those plans with friends. I could hear myself saying "honey, I'm going to be doing xxx tomorrow and I'd love for you to join me". I'm assuming not everything is being conducted in treestands in the woods at night and that girls are welcome, yes? Be wary of going with the flow for too long..... the undertow might get you... Oh, a bunch of posts happened while I was typing....the sex part.... have you had some counseling for that? There's a fundamental intimacy that you're missing by avoiding eye contact....IMO
Author CandyGirlXO Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 OP, curious...how much of his busy social life does he include you in? Like, for example, those plans with friends. I could hear myself saying "honey, I'm going to be doing xxx tomorrow and I'd love for you to join me". I'm assuming not everything is being conducted in treestands in the woods at night and that girls are welcome, yes? Be wary of going with the flow for too long..... the undertow might get you... Well he usually invites me to go out with his main friends, he excludes me when it is him playing sports. He is on a sports team, so when they go play, or practice thats his own thing. He also excludes me if its work friends... because we work together but because of the situation with that very few people from work know. He also kind of invited me to a family event, but I felt like he only did that because it was out of the blue, and I was already at his house. It was his whole family, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc... I asked him if he wanted me to go, he said he wouldn't invite me if he didn't. But I got the vibe that he was uncomfortable so I just went home. I thought maybe he thought it was too soon to introduce me to all his relatives, and would make me feel uncomfortable as well meeting them all at once like that. He meet 2 of my friends last Saturday, had a good time. He actually went to the bathroom, and on his way back he found the waitress and picked up the entire tab.
Author CandyGirlXO Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 My gut never fails me. And my gut tells me that if the sex is good then the relationship is good. Because sex is always the first thing to go wrong when a relationship starts to go bad. Men reach out emotionally during sex and its so good that u are a nymph. He gets exactly what he needs to know from the way u grip his manhood and look into his eyes. Off topic here, but is looking into eachothers eyes during sex normal? And if it is for how long?
carhill Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 You're the OP, so we can go down that rabbit hole as deep as you want IME, eye contact punctuates a whole bunch of kissing
Author CandyGirlXO Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 You're the OP, so we can go down that rabbit hole as deep as you want IME, eye contact punctuates a whole bunch of kissing Oh during sex I usually close my eyes and relax, or I look at their body, if my heads not smashed into a pillow.
carhill Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 You probably won't like hearing this, but I started closing my eyes later, after disconnecting emotionally but feeling guilty, in order to fantasize about something else to have an orgasm. After getting MC, I finally couldn't do it any longer, so I only initiate when I feel the intimacy necessary to do it honestly and with my eyes wide open. I know that's not your issue, but perhaps gives you some insight into the impetus for my advice...
nothappyjan Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Yeah, I know. I am just dreading this when we are together I feel like he doesn't find me interesting. I mean we have fun and he always makes me laugh, but a lot of the times it seems like there is nothing to talk about. Which is crazy because I usually can talk to anyone. For instance, we will go out to eat and it just seems like all this uncomfortable silence, and it really hurts my feelings. I don't know if he just can't open up to me, or if he is just not "used" to being in a relationship. Also, a lot of times, we will be hanging out, and he asked me what I want to do, and I usually say I don't know what do you want to do. And this goes back and forth, and I just never had that problem before. I have fun doing anything, he seems to not. I just feel like he finds me boring. I know I am going to have to talk to him about this, but thats another thing, I am not comfortable enough to really bring all of this stuff up, just because I do like him a lot. We also never talk on the phone for more than 5 minutes, he isn't a phone person so I try not to take that personal. He is more of a texter, he does text me everyday. Urrrgggg this is so frustrating, its just not what I thought it would be. I feel like I need to talk to him, we just seem to be so different. I just feel like I am too needy, and he is just not emotionally open. Just not sure if I should give it more time, see if he opens up. My mom told me to just have fun and see him as Mr. Right Now, and not automatically Mr. Right. To not expect too much, but thats hard for me to do. OMG you have just described the EXACT relationship i have with the guy i've been seeing for 2 months almost exactly the same issues and situation. I also feel insecure and wonder what he thinks.....
SoulSearch_CO Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Off topic here, but is looking into eachothers eyes during sex normal? And if it is for how long? I would feel disconnected from the person I'm with if I didn't look into his eyes. It's not a deep STARE. More like a meaningful glance into his eyes for maybe 5-10 seconds (if I had to guess - never timed it) and then away at his body, my body, eyes closed...etc. I'd really feel like something was missing if I couldn't look into the man's eyes - like I was having sex alone, or something. Empty. Of course, head smashed into the pillow is a totally different story.
Sam Spade Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Yeah, I know. I am just dreading this when we are together I feel like he doesn't find me interesting. I mean we have fun and he always makes me laugh, but a lot of the times it seems like there is nothing to talk about. Which is crazy because I usually can talk to anyone. For instance, we will go out to eat and it just seems like all this uncomfortable silence, and it really hurts my feelings. I don't know if he just can't open up to me, or if he is just not "used" to being in a relationship. Also, a lot of times, we will be hanging out, and he asked me what I want to do, and I usually say I don't know what do you want to do. And this goes back and forth, and I just never had that problem before. I have fun doing anything, he seems to not. I just feel like he finds me boring. I know I am going to have to talk to him about this, but thats another thing, I am not comfortable enough to really bring all of this stuff up, just because I do like him a lot. We also never talk on the phone for more than 5 minutes, he isn't a phone person so I try not to take that personal. He is more of a texter, he does text me everyday. Urrrgggg this is so frustrating, its just not what I thought it would be. I feel like I need to talk to him, we just seem to be so different. I just feel like I am too needy, and he is just not emotionally open. Just not sure if I should give it more time, see if he opens up. My mom told me to just have fun and see him as Mr. Right Now, and not automatically Mr. Right. To not expect too much, but thats hard for me to do. . That could just be his personality. I was like that during a 5 year relationship i cared about, just didn't feel like talking too much (never did). Your mom is wise (and probably hot).
jadelil25 Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 There is nothing wrong with only seeing him once to three times a week and it is good that you are having space apart. Space is important because you need to do your own thing and have time with your friends. Join the gym, get a hobby or join a club to take your mind off things and do things in your own time. Your relationship is perfectly normal and if he did not want to be with you then he wouldnt be. Just enjoy your time together, have fun, dont put any pressure on relationship and also not seeing each other a lot makes the time which you get together more special. Remember to focus on the positives and not the negatives and this will make things seem easier and nicer. Also talk to him about how you feel. Communication is the key to a sucessful relationship. Tell him that you understand he wants time with his friends and you will never stop him but also let him know that you want to up the time which you get together. It will be fine and im sure that he is in to you because other wise the relationship would not be happening. Just go with the flow and enjoy life. It is too short to be worrying about every little thing.
Sam Spade Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Urrrgggg this is so frustrating, its just not what I thought it would be. I feel like I need to talk to him, we just seem to be so different. I just feel like I am too needy, and he is just not emotionally open. Just not sure if I should give it more time, see if he opens up. I've never, ever understood what's the big deal with the girls complaint that some guys aren't "emotionally open". So what? Seriously, why does this matter? Not to mention that emotionally open conflicts with other traits shortlisted as important by women, such as toughness. Well, the definition of toughness is doing the right thing without worrying too much about your (or for that matter - other's feelings). If you're actually very needy (and he's extremely closed), which I don't think, this will be a problem later on, because you will start to resent him. Some mild discrepancy in emotional styles can actually be good.
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