whatTodoaboutlove Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 This could really be long enough story to be a tragic novel, but here it goes. I will try to condense as much as possible We met while we were both finishing college. She lived 3 hours away. Almost every weekend we had to see each other and one of us would drive to see the other. We could not get enough of each other. At the time, I was a motivated, driven, success minded graduating Engineer. She was graduating in business. She had been hurt before in many long and short relationships while I never really had a serious (longer than a month) relationship. Her family lived where I lived and after 6months of dating, we graduated from college and we moved in together....I look back and think that was pretty fast but at the time it felt natural and right. I started working as an engineer and she started looking for a job. After a couple months she decided to get into Real Estate b/c her mom was and I said sure why not and supported her while she got her license and started in the business. Now keep in mind during this 8 month period she would often cry and become upset because she did not value herself and was not a confident person....many times she thought I would leave her because of her emotional instability. I never had the thought, I always listened and helper her through her problems. Time went on...she tried to get into commercial real estate but for a young girl just starting, it was like swimming with sharks....so she went residential....took some time but she started closing deals....at this point we were living in an apartment I was paying for and since she was in real estate, it was only natural that we wanted to buy a house to invest in and remodel. So....I bought a house in my name that she picked out...and started to demolish it....(at this point we have been together for 1.5 years) our relationship was extremely strong, we loved each other. I worked as an engineer during the day and remodeled the house till 2 in the morning for almost 4 months. I was burning myself out...during this time she would help as like an assitant would but I did most of the work.....she also had some transactions close in real estate and contributed to our income. The house was now livable so I slowed down a bit on the remodel but still had projects every weekend to do....major ones at that.... Well by now the house is finished and of course the real estate market starts to tank. This however is our only income and we keep going and making sales at the age of 25....we made good income but we also spent a whole lot of money....(I was the money miser) (she was the money spender)...which brings us to 2009. I had grown comfortable in the relationship and took some of the little things for granted I admit it...I also definitly became less motivated in business. I felt she lost respect for me and was not as interested in intimacy as I was. I just figured we did better every year in business...what do you expect in a bad economy so I just kept going, times were a tough and we would make it through. We just broke up after 5 years together (one month into it) we were the "ken and barbie" couple--a dog, a house, credit card debt, friends we mutually made, a business we built together, car insurance together, finances together----we were basically married in every sense but legally.... During the last 2 years I was ready to marry her (I still am) but we didn't really ever have the money to do it since we had so many things going on...remodeling of house..building a business etc. Plus with the economy with what it is....lifes responsibilities dragged us both down. One night she goes out on "girls night out" and meets a guy. That weekend I could tell something was not right. ..... I go out one night to play sports and she is gone when I get back and texts me she needs time to think. (she is at her parents house) we are age 27 and her birthday is coming up..... I beg and plead of course for her to come back and that is when she tells me about the other guy but says nothing has happened... and she is confused and needs time....I of course feel heartbroken and hanging by a thread as she "thinks about it" She does come home but on and off we get into little arguments of how long she is going to take to decide if she loves me or not....every night when I go out to do something...gym...sports whatever...I would come home and she would be pissed again....I just couldn't get it. Anyways, I realize how much I love her since it is now on the edge and get very huggy and kissy with her but she seems to feel guilty every time I get close...I know she has not cheated on me but its heart wrenching to not have the affection returned. Finally one of our tiffs blows up and she finally decided to officially break up.... I just can't believe it....after all we have done. been thru. have together. she breaks up. I'm heart broken. I find out she goes out and meets the other guy two days later and I think has seen him at least every weekend...I also know she (thru friends) that she has already been to his house to cook dinner and watch a movie. He was also invited to her surprise party (I was not) I call her and tell her how can she do this to us and then she lays it out. I love you like a brother....I have been unhappy for the last two years....this is what I need to do... I deserve better...I don't want any responsibilities she says.... (all the while we email and text regularly due to our buisness) I come back with are you missing me? (she says yes in ways)....I ask if every second of the last two years was fake and unhappy...(she says of course not)??? Every time we see each other she tears up and looks like she will cry...our lives are so intertwined we can't not see each other unless I completely change my life. I know for a fact that she is blocking me out emotionally (I know her for 5 years) it is how she deals with things Her birthday is tomorrow, I want to marry her. Our mutual friends say to just move on and if it works it works. I'm so confused as to what to do..and the pain is so great...every day is a struggle. Do I move on or do I pop the question...or just wait and see what happens to this relationship. I'm scared to lose her to this other guy that actually kind of looks like me now and sounds like me when we first met (career path and direction). I could go on dates but I don't feel like it. I feel like this is one big experiement for her and its causing so much pain.
mark982 Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 don't do a darn thing. sit back let her play her games.you're having problems now.go add legally married to the mix.reciepe for disaster.
Geishawhelk Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Actually, that's good advice. You're not married, so keep it that way. Let her have to make the decisions, because right now, all she's doing is yanking your chain. She's really dishonest about the last two years (was she or wasn't she?) and she's had sex with him of course... You know that, don't you? Rejecting your gestures of affection is a classic sign. It's a mild form of revulsion because physically, she's not with you, in her mind, any more..... Sorry, but I've had a taste of this....I think I'm right.... Let her get on with it. Let her become muddled and confused. Let her have to crawl her way out of this. You stay put - but carry on living. You have that right.
Author whatTodoaboutlove Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 Over the last two years when I think back, I think I could see instances where she may not have been totally happy, she would cry or look distracted for an hour or so but I always thought it was just emotional woman syndrome. Because usually an hour later we would be having fun or laughing or doing something together. So no I don't believe she was faking it for 2 whole years, she can barely tell a lie without me seeing through it let alone fake it for 2 years. We were very honest in most things in our relationship except this, apparently. I was always able to look her in the eye and get her to laugh in 20 seconds or less....always. She always said she could never stay angry at me. Also, while we were in the confused stage, I would go to hug her and then let go but she would want to still hang on for a moment or two longer... Annnd...whenever I talk about the possibility of a cool down and working things out...she says I don't want you in my life "right now"....or maybe we can work out later on or I don't "think" your the right one for me....she can't say she never wants to see me again...(by the way her dad this exact same thing 3 years ago and then came back)....I spoke with her mom, she even agrees with a cool down before we "go through a divorce" She tells me that she needs to do what makes her happy which I don't deny that need, I just feel like the way she is going about it is very wrong. and may not even maker her happy. I partly think its just a temporary wild streak....which I knew she had when we first met ......that she will realize down the road. (just didn't think it would ever amount to something like this). I mean really....she gave up the dog....she really loved our dog?! I asked her why she thought this was the only solution to our issues....and she says she "just doesn't have it in her to try anymore"..... I had no idea it this was going on in her head this seriously for this long. Not saying I thought our relationship was perfect all the time, just didn't think it was this serious. And I know marriage doesn't fix anything. I just want to show her how committed I am to her because I think she "used to" fantasize about the day I would ask her. Some think she is pissed because I never asked her. We were making future plans only a couple weeks ago...that is big mentally in a relationship, I have a hard time believing she just stopped loving me all of a sudden or that she stopped long ago, to many moments where it was not fake. Maybe the love is smaller but I really really thinks its still in there, she chooses to ignore it right now. Yes I assume she probably has had sex already...(don't know for sure....don't want to know) I should be mad and pissed....but it goes away in like 10 minutes....I wish I could stay mad, it would make it easier. There is love sex and then there is just sex. I know she never cheated on me while we were officially together...before the official break up. My friends tell me he looks frat boyish....like the type she used to go out with and always was hurt by..he is in law school, his dad is a lawyer where he can walk right into it. I partly think that she finds money attractive, not in love with money but attractive...us not having a huge amount and me being the money miser didn't help anything...but life is life and you need to budget. I know she doesn't hate me, I don't hate her....we have been very respectful of each other so far. I think? Oh and when I asked how she felt if I were to go out with someone else, she hesitated, got quiet, as if it made her sad, but then said "if you want to" with attitude??
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