moman Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Been dating a girl for a few months and she's 'certain' I'm the one and wants to get married. She had this gut feeling that it will work out fine and that if we don't live together for a year it's not a problem. She will wait.... what the heck should I do? What do you think of the situation?
Sam Spade Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 You should run away, unless for some particularly lucky reason you have credible reasons to believe similarly. Two months is absurdly short time to gather even the most basic information that would allow you to determine if you could marry the person you're dating. Not to be a joy kill, my personal guidelines are: 6 months to determine if this is more than a casual relationship; 1 year to determine if the relationship could have longer term prospects; proposal no earlier than year 2; marriage no earlier than year 3; Daunting, I know. I personally wish this was not the case, but I would not feel comfortable with anything speedier. This is too much of a gamble. In any case, your girl's expectations are off the charts. It seems that she just likes the idea of marriage, so it doesn't matter who's going to be the vessel.
complication Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 You should run away, unless for some particularly lucky reason you have credible reasons to believe similarly. Two months is absurdly short time to gather even the most basic information that would allow you to determine if you could marry the person you're dating. Not to be a joy kill, my personal guidelines are: 6 months to determine if this is more than a casual relationship; 1 year to determine if the relationship could have longer term prospects; proposal no earlier than year 2; marriage no earlier than year 3; Daunting, I know. I personally wish this was not the case, but I would not feel comfortable with anything speedier. This is too much of a gamble. In any case, your girl's expectations are off the charts. It seems that she just likes the idea of marriage, so it doesn't matter who's going to be the vessel. Dot, but it also means she really likes you. Tell her no, and chill her out somehow, and keep her around.
Trialbyfire Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Been dating a girl for a few months and she's 'certain' I'm the one and wants to get married. She had this gut feeling that it will work out fine and that if we don't live together for a year it's not a problem. She will wait.... what the heck should I do? What do you think of the situation? If you're not ready for this, DON'T go any further. Stop, look and listen. My fiancé proposed after 6+ weeks and I accepted. Sometimes, you have to go with your gut.
burning 4 revenge Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 If you're not ready for this, DON'T go any further. Stop, look and listen. My fiancé proposed after 6+ weeks and I accepted. Sometimes, you have to go with your gut. I thought maybe this was your fiance posting
Trialbyfire Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 I thought maybe this was your fiance posting No way! He shocked me with the proposal. The last thing on my mind was getting married again.
Touche Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 I thought maybe this was your fiance posting Oh you're bad. Ok, proposal after 4 weeks here but yep, it felt right for both of us. If it doesn't to you then you need to just tell her that you're not at that point and you want to see where it goes. If she's right for you she should be ok with that.
Trialbyfire Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Actually, the elements are very similar to my engagement but with the reverse holding true. My snowman felt I was "the one", where I don't believe in "the one".I accepted based on gut instinct.The engagement happened within the two month span (six weeks+).We're not getting married for a year and a half.Here's moman's scenario, in the same order: Been dating a girl for a few months and she's 'certain' I'm the one and wants to get married.She had this gut feeling that it will work out fineDated for 2 months and she wants marriage?and that if we don't live together for a year it's not a problem. She will wait....Funny that things are so similar!
chrislovestosurf Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 heres what I think: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW:mad:
carhill Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 OP, it's probably more important how you feel about this than what we think. It's your life and your relationship. I didn't see any opinion from you here. How quickly did you begin sexual relations?
jadelil25 Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Two months is way to early to be thinking about marraige or even talking about it in the future. You can try talking to her first. Just let her know how you feel. Let her know how much you like her and care about her. Let her know it is important to you and it something that could happen when the relationship is developed and when you know each other more. If she does truley care about you then she will understand. If she does not listen to this and understand it is time to end the relationship and move on because she clearly not the right person for you. There are plenty more people out there, ones who are willing to wait for marriage.
Touche Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Its common to get engaged on a whim these days and it really doesnt mean anything anymore. Its a great opportunity to show off to ur friends and have a party and advertise how affluent u are to everybody that even barely knows u with expensive rings and jewelry. So dont think about it too much and just do it. Speaking for my own situation here....it may have been hasty but it wasn't on a "whim." We were both in the same stage in life and wanted the same things. In addition, the chemistry was off the charts. We had no big wedding (it was a 2nd marriage for both). We invited a total of four, yes that's FOUR people to our home and married there. No expensive jewelry or rings here either. (In fact, that was one of our very first arguments...been there done that with the diamond rings, etc...saw no need for it again.) And for those who say it's way too early to be thinking about marriage, for some it IS I agree. In fact, I'd say for MOST it is, absolutely. But not for all. I've seen a few successful marriages (including my own) that started with an early proposal and/or marriage.
jasminetea Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Touche, that's exactly the situation I'm in! Our wedding is going to be low key, second marriage for both of us and we even had that argument about the rings OP - if you're not feeling the same way as she is, then you need to discuss it with her and either end it or get her to slow down and seriously think about what her motivations are.
soon2Bfiling Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Been dating a girl for a few months and she's 'certain' I'm the one and wants to get married. She had this gut feeling that it will work out fine and that if we don't live together for a year it's not a problem. She will wait.... what the heck should I do? What do you think of the situation? "SHE" is certain ! what about you? wait the year ..
Touche Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Touche, that's exactly the situation I'm in! Our wedding is going to be low key, second marriage for both of us and we even had that argument about the rings That's funny, Jasmine. Yep, I won that argument! I just saw no sense in it. I did compromise with him and we had a fabulous honeymoon instead. At the time, having the ring AND having a honeymoon like that, would have put us in debt. And that just made no sense to me. Now we have priceless memories of our honeymoon. OP - if you're not feeling the same way as she is, then you need to discuss it with her and either end it or get her to slow down and seriously think about what her motivations are. I agree with the above. Thank u for the explanation and your story its obvious u were meant for each other. Thanks, toolman. But im talking about recent times when its all about the bling. Rich couples desperately need to show off there wealth with bracelets and rings and jewelry and whatnot. Its an egotrip thing and they get engaged as early as possible to make as many others around as they can feel inferior. Especially they get engaged on cliche dates and such. And they do it to state there "status" which is incredibly affluent and can do whatever they want at any expense and be very loud about how expensive there ring is. It means very little because no real commitment is made they have so much money the ring is no big deal to them plenty more jewelry where that came from. When the engagement is off they dont make so much noise lol. Well that kind of thing is just not classy and I've never met anyone who does that. But then, I don't choose to hang around people like that.
Sam Spade Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 It seems that the people who cite speedy engagements here have already been married before. I find it interesting, because, the financial and legal hassle aside, a divorse is nothing more than a break up. So, I wonder how having been previously married makes the speedy decision to do it second time more informed/credible versus the (hypothetical) OP situation where he has not been married, but faces the situation of possibly making such a hasty decision. I'd be pretty suspicious of a woman who brings it up so soon - sure, I'd be flattered by the attention, but I would have nagging doubts about her true motives --> the "gut feeling" and the "female intuition" are some of the biggest scams in the history of the world - it is highly unlikely that after 2 months she would know enough about me to even make an informed decision if she really likes me, let alone marry me. But, maybe I'm just paranoid/slower than everybody else/etc.
Woggle Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 If you marry her in a few years she will be certain that you are not the one for her and she just doesn't feel it for you anymore. Run as fast as you can.
Touche Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 It seems that the people who cite speedy engagements here have already been married before. I find it interesting, because, the financial and legal hassle aside, a divorse is nothing more than a break up. So, I wonder how having been previously married makes the speedy decision to do it second time more informed/credible versus the (hypothetical) OP situation where he has not been married, but faces the situation of possibly making such a hasty decision. I'd be pretty suspicious of a woman who brings it up so soon - sure, I'd be flattered by the attention, but I would have nagging doubts about her true motives --> the "gut feeling" and the "female intuition" are some of the biggest scams in the history of the world - it is highly unlikely that after 2 months she would know enough about me to even make an informed decision if she really likes me, let alone marry me. But, maybe I'm just paranoid/slower than everybody else/etc. Couldn't disagree more with the bolded part. It's WAY more than that...at least for me it was. I can't speak for others. It's the death of a dream and of a whole life together...nothing like just a b/f and g/f breakup. I've been through both and to me they were entirely different animals. Why was the second time a more informed decision, as you say? I don't know. Maybe because we REALLY didn't want to go through the horrors of divorce again, so we made sure to leave no stone unturned when it came to finding out about each other. The blinders came off and romantic notions were not our sole consideration in deciding to get married.
Trialbyfire Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 It seems that the people who cite speedy engagements here have already been married before. I find it interesting, because, the financial and legal hassle aside, a divorse is nothing more than a break up. So, I wonder how having been previously married makes the speedy decision to do it second time more informed/credible versus the (hypothetical) OP situation where he has not been married, but faces the situation of possibly making such a hasty decision.I don't advocate a speedy engagement, if both parties aren't ready for it. If moman is panicking, he shouldn't even consider it. As for the legal hassles, we've covered that portion. Both will be signing pre-nups. Financial woes aren't a big concern for either one of us. I'd be pretty suspicious of a woman who brings it up so soon - sure, I'd be flattered by the attention, but I would have nagging doubts about her true motives --> the "gut feeling" and the "female intuition" are some of the biggest scams in the history of the world - it is highly unlikely that after 2 months she would know enough about me to even make an informed decision if she really likes me, let alone marry me. But, maybe I'm just paranoid/slower than everybody else/etc. If I didn't feel it AND that he checks out in all ways that I want, I wouldn't have accepted his proposal. The second time around, when it feels right, you'll know it, regardless of time clocked off. The vast majority of the decision-making/acceptance, is knowing the risks and being okay with them. You're walking into marriage with your eyes wide open. There are no safe harbours or guarantees of forever, in life. If you run away from everything emotional, you're going to live a life of regret...alone. While being alone doesn't bother me, passing up the chance of something this incredible, would be sheer stupidity on my part.
Author moman Posted March 6, 2009 Author Posted March 6, 2009 My answer to her was 'No'. I don't feel confident that we are near this level of commitment, furthermore because of my job I always view this stuff with skepticism because so many women are looking for a meal ticket. If she thinks my playboy days are over, she is wrong.
Trialbyfire Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Smart move moman! If you're not ready for commitment, DON'T do it. For that matter, why are you in a relationship if you want to be a "playboy"? Why not be single? People really should leave commitment for others who are happy in committed relationships.
Touche Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Smart move moman! If you're not ready for commitment, DON'T do it. For that matter, why are you in a relationship if you want to be a "playboy"? Why not be single? People really should leave commitment for others who are happy in committed relationships. I was wondering the same thing too. Why are you on here wondering what to do? Just keep dating whoever and whenever you want. Seems pretty simple to me. I think you should clue your g/f ( or whatever she is to you) in though, don't you think?
Trialbyfire Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 I was wondering the same thing too. Why are you on here wondering what to do? Just keep dating whoever and whenever you want. Seems pretty simple to me. I think you should clue your g/f ( or whatever she is to you) in though, don't you think? Yup, particularly the meal ticket portion of the attitude. If you don't like, respect and trust your g/f, she's pretty much just an FWB with a few hugs, for effect.
dreamergrl Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 My answer to her was 'No'. I don't feel confident that we are near this level of commitment, furthermore because of my job I always view this stuff with skepticism because so many women are looking for a meal ticket. If she thinks my playboy days are over, she is wrong. Sounds like you just want some fun, does she realize you aren't looking for anything serious, or are you just keeping her around? I ask, because you obviously don't want marriage, but you're on here asking if you should keep her.
missdependant Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Been dating a girl for a few months and she's 'certain' I'm the one and wants to get married. She had this gut feeling that it will work out fine and that if we don't live together for a year it's not a problem. She will wait.... what the heck should I do? What do you think of the situation? That is crazy... you can't determine whether or not you want to spend your entire life with someone after only a couple of months. Sounds dangerous to me. I'd ask her to take things a little slower.
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