Bob Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 I've been in this relationship for 5 years and they've been 5 great years. To cut a long story short... Went through a rough patch, she cheated and I've decided to try to move past it. I'm looking for advice and tips on how to get it out of my head and forget about it. It happened three weeks ago and I can't stop thinking about it. I'm finding it pretty difficult. Has anyone else got past the other person cheating and continued to have a fantastic relationship? If so, how did you do it?
Bryanp Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Evertbody is different. If she cheated on you like sexual intercouse then you both need to be tested for STD's. I am just curious but if the roles had been reversed would she have been as accepting as you apparently are? I wish you luck.
Geishawhelk Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 I've been in this relationship for 5 years and they've been 5 great years. To cut a long story short... Went through a rough patch, she cheated and I've decided to try to move past it. I'm looking for advice and tips on how to get it out of my head and forget about it. It happened three weeks ago and I can't stop thinking about it. I'm finding it pretty difficult. Has anyone else got past the other person cheating and continued to have a fantastic relationship? If so, how did you do it? Truthfully? You don't give us much to go on, but I guess anything's possible.... Who did she cheat with? Do they work together? How long did it go on for? Does she still see him? How was it discovered? Was/is he with someone? What has she done to repair the broken feelings between you? have you both done counselling? Do you have kids? You realise the affair was not about sex with someone else.... The affair masks an existing problem within your relationship. Have you managed to address that?
Dexter Morgan Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 I've been in this relationship for 5 years and they've been 5 great years. To cut a long story short... Went through a rough patch, she cheated and I've decided to try to move past it. I'm looking for advice and tips on how to get it out of my head and forget about it. It happened three weeks ago and I can't stop thinking about it. I'm finding it pretty difficult. Sorry, but you will NEVER forget it. Get past it? well, thats up to you. if I had one piece of advice on how to get past what she did, that is to start doing things for yourself. I divorced my cheater, because for me that was the only TRUE way to get past what she did....to make her insignificant in my life. but working out, feeling good about myself would have been what i would have done, and did anyway, if I would have stayed with her. But honestly, I don't see a relationship with a cheater as a good relationship. But if you decide to stay with her, then take control, get a membership at a gym...start working out, if you aren't already. Not saying you aren't attractive, but don't worry about her(she is a cheater afterall), but start taking care of yourself and doing things for yourself. You can't depend on her, she has proven that.
reservoirdog1 Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 First of all, Dexter's right on the money. Looking after YOURSELF should be your first priority. Getting in shape, updating your wardrobe and hairstyle, taking up a new activity or two, etc. will benefit you in several ways: it'll boost your self-confidence, make you feel as though you don't really NEED her in order to be happy, and if the relationship does end, you'll be more attractive to the opposite sex. Secondly: three weeks is nothing. Again, Dexter's right -- you can get past it, i.e. reach a state where you're not haunted or bothered by it anymore. But you'll never forget it. The recovery from being cheated on is measured in years, not weeks. Somebody once said that trust takes years to build, and seconds to destroy. So true. Right now you're probably still in the shock/devastation/sadness phase. This will pass, and will be replaced by the angry phase. Which, as long as you don't become violent, is a MUCH better phase to be in. You'll be amazed how much better it feels to be angry than to be sad. Sadness makes you want to crawl into a corner and die. Anger gets your heart pumping and makes you want to DO something. Don't make any decisions yet. You need to work on yourself, work through the inevitable ups and downs of emotion, and figure out if SHE'S worth staying with.
LakesideDream Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 First of all, Dexter's right on the money. Looking after YOURSELF should be your first priority. Getting in shape, updating your wardrobe and hairstyle, taking up a new activity or two, etc. will benefit you in several ways: it'll boost your self-confidence, make you feel as though you don't really NEED her in order to be happy, and if the relationship does end, you'll be more attractive to the opposite sex. Secondly: three weeks is nothing. Again, Dexter's right -- you can get past it, i.e. reach a state where you're not haunted or bothered by it anymore. But you'll never forget it. The recovery from being cheated on is measured in years, not weeks. Somebody once said that trust takes years to build, and seconds to destroy. So true. Right now you're probably still in the shock/devastation/sadness phase. This will pass, and will be replaced by the angry phase. Which, as long as you don't become violent, is a MUCH better phase to be in. You'll be amazed how much better it feels to be angry than to be sad. Sadness makes you want to crawl into a corner and die. Anger gets your heart pumping and makes you want to DO something. Don't make any decisions yet. You need to work on yourself, work through the inevitable ups and downs of emotion, and figure out if SHE'S worth staying with. Well Bob... I suppose there are some men who can "get past" the knowledge that another man was up to his balls in their girlfriends/wives.... I was not one of them. Doesen't sound like such a great relationship to me. I wish I had known what I know now after only 5 years. I'd have run like a man who's hair was on fire, headed toward the swimming pool. Good luck.
manugeorge Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 I certainly couldn't get past it and it's been a few years since we broke up now. When he crosses my mind, the cheating is the first to pop up. I can't imagine if we were still together, it's not something I will ever be able to forget. I think it's worse when you had/have a good relationship with the cheater. You get so blindsided by the betrayal, it shakes you to your core.
boldjack Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Well, Bob, Yes, you can move past it. No, you will never forget it. One thing you must not do is act like it never happened. You must never trust her, completely. Always be aware what she does and who she does it with. Put yourself first in everything and give her nothing, she doesn't earn. Remember you didn't cheat, she did. EVERYTHING must be on your terms. She has to prove herself to you, everyday in every way.
nicki Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 It's a betrayal of trust that will haunt you and make you doubt yourself. Don't let it! Doubt her. Doubt her ability to be trustworthy. Trust your feelings and be honest about them. Tell her you are devastated and haven't felt the full effect of the matter yet. Tell her you aren't sure you can stay. Let her worry. Let her convince you to give her another chance, and why you should. Soon, you will have a million questions about it. She should have the attitude that she will tell you anything, and be willing to do anything to redeem herself and to rebuild the trust she has shattered. She should also be able to self-reflect and figure out why she did what she did. Addressing any underlying problems in the relationship is absolutely mandatory. If she doesn't understand why she did what she did, she will most likely do it again. She must identify the circumstances and fix the attitude that let her do what she did. But, at the end of the day, it's up to you. You don't owe her a thing, even if she works hard to fix things. See how YOU feel and what YOU want. It's time to take care of yourself. Make things be on your terms. If she acts selfish as all, as in "Get over it. I'm trying," or "I'm sick of answering your questions or have you check up on me," then get out. She will have to demonstrate that what YOU need comes first for a long time. In my experience, cheaters are selfish and usually unwilling to put their own needs/wants on the back burner for very long. If you stay, make a list of what you need to stay and feel secure. You may want to see her phone records, have complete access to her email, etc.....and she should readily do those things for as long as it takes YOU to feel secure. Can she do that? If you don't think so, cut your losses now. I'm very sorry this happened to you, but I am glad you know the truth so you can take care of yourself.
ducknrun Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Bob I caught my fiancé of 2 years, which I dated for 1.5 years before that, and also who I have a son together who was cheating on me back in Nov. of 08 and i caught her in Jan 09. It has been 7-weeks and that first several weeks were hell. If you don't have a lot invested then get out but if you think you can get over it then really think about it again... and then maybe stay. It will be hard and take a lot of time. I bet you’re constantly worrying, wanting to know where she is and what she's doing and that’s no way to live. You’re going to have to start trusting her somehow and work from there. When I caught my fiancé I talked to her about it and I realized that she didn't just get bored and decide to cheat on me. We were having relationship problems that she explained to me and I eventually got around to trying to correct my behavior. By the time that happened she had already started texting the guy. I'm not excusing the fact she cheated but there is usually more to it. It also helped me that I knew of someone that had a similar problem to talk it out with them.
Jaded25 Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Well, I'm currently going through a similar situation. Haven't been with him long but was very happy with him. In fact I posted a thread about it here somewhere. Anyway, I'm desperate for someone to tell me to hang in there, it'll work out. Truth be told, I don't think it will. I think it's up to the cheater to make things work, to fix things and to help you get past it. If they're willing to do this, I truly believe it'll work. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone deserves a second chance. But give it more than three weeks (I'm in my third week too) and see how it all pans out. But then again, in a complete contradiction to what I've just said, my boyfriend is less of a man to me. And hurt/betrayal aside, I just think I'm starting to go off him. Which is fine by me, it'll make things easier. I guess losing the happiness we once had is what's hard. But in all honesty, this life is only lived by each of us once. Some people might say life is too short to spending time with a cheater. I say if you've found happiness with a person once, life is too short to be stubborn and throw it all away coz of a mistake. There's no harm in trying. What have you got to lose?
AAlike Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 I say if you've found happiness with a person once, life is too short to be stubborn and throw it all away coz of a mistake. There's no harm in trying. What have you got to lose? I say if you've found happiness with a person once, life is too short to be stubborn and throw it all away coz of a mistake. There's no harm in trying. What have you got to lose? Although I agree with this theoretically, the problem is that I don't think that cheating is something that can be passed off as merely "a mistake" - wrecking your SO's car, or overdrawing their bank account or forgetting their birthday is a mistake - cheating is a calculated act of malice. so a more accurate question is can you maintain a relationship with someone who is capable of knowingly hurting you? I just don't see how you can continue after that - and I'm generally pretty liberal about what should be forgiven. and I am that way because I know that I, at times, can be a selfish and inconsiderate SOB, and can be quite mean, especially when I'm arguing a point or I'm pissed at someone...and I'd be completely lying if I said that I don't still think dirty thoughts about other women fairly regularly...but for all of the d*ckheaded things that I've done, I have never even CONSIDERED cheating. I'm capable of doing some messed-up and manipulative things, but I'd never be able to cheat. not even a chance. I couldn't go through with it even if I wanted to. in that light, I just don't see how anyone is able to get over someone doing that to them, or how the relationship can be restored to an equal partnership versus some manifestation of indebtedness and a need to make restitution.
manugeorge Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Cheating has to be examined in its context when a person is weighing forgiveness or staying together. Like the previous poster said, it's not easy to just write it off as a "mistake". A cheater who got drunk at a party and kisses another man/woman is different from one who carries on a 2 year affair.
AAlike Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Cheating has to be examined in its context when a person is weighing forgiveness or staying together. Like the previous poster said, it's not easy to just write it off as a "mistake". A cheater who got drunk at a party and kisses another man/woman is different from one who carries on a 2 year affair. true but that's just a measurement of what you consider to be the threshold of what constitutes cheating. I could get over my GF drunk kissing someone but only because I would not consider that "cheating" - I would consider that approaching cheating but not going through with it if it went no further. I also don't consider flirting to be cheating, I don't consider dancing with others to be cheating, etc. etc...like I said, I'm more liberal than most when it comes to what constitutes cheating. It's not right or wrong, and it obviously changes depending on who's in the relationship as well as the relationship's seriousness. HOWEVER, regardless of where that line is drawn, I just don't see how things can be repaired once it is crossed. If that line is crossed by a kiss at a party, then I think that it will have the exact same effect as a two-year affair.
miss-jem-bishop Posted March 9, 2009 Posted March 9, 2009 Well you will never forget what happened and she will even know she wont... it was your choice to forgive her, but you know it will always be with you, but someone people can overcome it and some carnt ... i caught my ex cheating and well i just couldnt forgive him due to the fact everytime i seen him i thought bout him with someone else but if you feel you can overcome it then take a good shot and go for it! but if its bugging you then maybe you need to consider walking away because if its eating at you now it is not gonna go away, maybe you should try to talk to her. x
Chukky Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 I have been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years, I am 19, he is 22. Last year he cheated on me twice And by twice i mean 2 different girls.......... He decided to end it with me after the second one, i was away at uni and devastated...but a week went by and i began to see the light, enjoyed hanging out with my friends, because i was always away from him it was ok.... Then i got an email. He was saying he was sorry, he loved me, he missed me etc etc etc I told him it was over. That i had had enough, but over the next few days be said he would come up to wales to live with me. He got a flat and is trying to get a job asap. So i took him back. The relationship is now amasing, absolutely perfect. However, I think about his cheating every singe day. Every day. Especially as he stills works for the last girls dad! So id just like to make it clear to u, you can have a perfect relationship. But you will never ever ever be the same again. Its up to u what u do tho, every one told me not to get back with him, but i have and i am GLAD about it, I made him work for it to prove he loves me and since then there has been nothing. Although I still think about it It haunts me I have the sleepless nights, the eating issues, depression, the works....and its times like this mid exams when its the worst. Peaple, inclusind my bf think i should be over it by now, so i have no one i can talk to as they all think im just beng OTT Just wanted u to know how i dealt with it,,,,,if this is the way to go, i hope to god it works, but remeber u will be paying the price long after every one else has forgotten.
Dexter Morgan Posted May 7, 2009 Posted May 7, 2009 I've been in this relationship for 5 years and they've been 5 great years. To cut a long story short... Went through a rough patch, she cheated and I've decided to try to move past it. I'm looking for advice and tips on how to get it out of my head and forget about it. It happened three weeks ago and I can't stop thinking about it. I'm finding it pretty difficult. Its difficult because its impossible. You will NEVER forget what she did. Only thing you can do if you are determined to stay with her, for whatever gawd awful reason, is to deal with it when the memories pop in your head. Has anyone else got past the other person cheating and continued to have a fantastic relationship? If so, how did you do it? i'm sure people will tell you they did....but you have to distinguish between "moving past it" and "forgetting" or getting the thoughts out of your head. You will never forget what she did. Can you move past it? Well, thats up to you. But if she cheated once, she can and most likely will again. And even if she doesn't, you will NEVER, no matter what you or anyone else here says, trust her completely ever again. You might get to a point that you are comfortable with, but there will always be a part of you that will be suspicious. And thats normal. But if it were me, I'd dump her.
jnj express Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 You don't get past it, it stays until you move on and either R. or leave, if you R. it still stays, if you leave it will go away somewhat faster. I will suggest this to you, If you plan to stay, you need to take a very hard line and firm stand about her cheating, If you are wishy washy and easy about this at all, she will remember that you basically did nothing and let the cheating go, and she will cheat again, cuz she knows you will not take a hard line about her cheating. She has to be very remorseful, completly transparent, she gets no opportunities to be alone with other guys, and she follows all your rules, and boundaries, if you do not do the above as i said before, she will cheat again, cuz she knows she can get away with it.
helovesme Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 If you both love each other, and she acknowledges she made a mistake (and you know she is a good person that temporarily lost faith in your relationship, and you know in your heart of hearts that she is not the cheating type) try to make it work. It sounds like you want to. All of us are going to have different opinions on cheating. Unless you are in the relationship and know the two people well enough to say, I don't think it is fair to say all cheaters are the same. There are cheaters that look to cheat just because. There are cheaters that may have had a one-time affair and realized they made a mistake. Cheaters who don't get something from a relationship that they seek elsewhere... So for one to say that (People) who cheat and generalize that statement to say they will always cheat is not fair. Every person is an individual. Just like you and I are two different people - no two people are alike. Do what you think or feel is the right thing. Take the time to figure it out. Communicate and express your feelings... You both need to hear, understand and listen to one another. If you want to make it work, then you have to start from square one. Good luck!
loveinthedark Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 Me and my husband has been together for 20 yrs,back in March I found out he cheated on me.I just don't understand why he did it for.We wasn't fighting or having any problems at all.I was out of town and thats when he did it.Beat it all it was someone off the internet,he started talking to her and then he met her a few months later.He didn't even really know her at all.Thats what gets me.I'm trying to go on but its hard.Everytime I bring it up he gets mad,he wants me to forget about it.How could someone forget about it when your heart is broken into so many pieces.There are questions that I don't have answers for.The only thing he has told me,"the reason I done it is because it was a challenge".How can I go on with an answer like that? Never say you would leave your loved if they ever cheated on you,it is easier said than done. I Love him with everything in me but the images are still in my head.How do I get rid of them?
Chukky Posted May 8, 2009 Posted May 8, 2009 was cheated on with two separate women last year, and the worst part was there was a kinda love ish thing going on. We managed to get thru it and the relationship is good....but its NOT easy. In fact its the hardest thing I have ever ever ever had to do, and i still dont know if it will work out for long term. Make sure she wants u, and make sure to make ur own life as good as it can be.
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