verysexyvirgo Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 I would like to start off by saying that this is my first thread, so thanks for any and all advice given. I had some things happen over the course of this New Year that I thought I would share and get some feedback, so without further ado... Around Late August 2008, I had become involved with a beautiful young lady whom I was working with, and we are both in the Navy. She is my subordinate, and I really didn't pay too much attention to her at first, being that I was new at my command and I was still trying to meet everyone that I would be working with, and who would work for me. Ultimately, being that she and I were trained to do the same job, but I had higher rank, she was assigned to work for me. I eventually began to get to know this young lady, and it turned out that we were interested in each other, but I had to feel her out, because we are both shy, so I had to be sure before I could make a move...This is where the drama begins... I eventually discover that she was unhappily married, and that her husband was very controlling and abusive towards her, both verbally and physically, from giving her a curfew after work, to spending the money she earned every pay period, and not being considerate of her children, and still spends the money to this day, although they are legally separated and she has a restraining order against him due to the abuse as well as stalking. When they separated, she moved to the barracks and gave him her car that she paid cash for, a 2008 Toyota Camry (loaded). She put her household items in storage and went about her life. We began seeing each other and everything was perfect; we would spend every waking moment together, at work, and afterwards. There would be times where we would just spend the entire weekend cooped up, making love, because she was content and that is what she liked. She never liked for me to go anywhere for a long period of time...I went to Virginia for a weekend, and she emailed and called the entire time I was there. I came back and we kept progressing in this new relationship; she told me that she had been over her husband for a while, since he had cheated on her and rubbed it in her face, and that she had fallen in love at first sight upon seeing me. She felt very insecure around other women when it came to me, and she would mention that to me. Around December 2008, she was ordered to deploy for 6 months, and she was sent to Japan to work. The night that she left, she asked me if I would remain with her, and save a spot in my heart for her. I hesitated to say anything because I was trying to think of something sentimental to say, but instead I looked her deep in the eye, and I kissed her for as long as I could. During her first few weeks over there, with it being her first deployment away from home and away from those she loved and cared for, she turned to alcohol to try to ease her pain, and ended up getting obliterated, and she had sex with another fellow we work with around 2 January 2009. She told me the next day, and I immediately dumped her. We kept in contact for about a week after I dumped her, and I just decided to not call anymore because I was hurt. She says that she was blackout drunk and does not remember, but she has owned up to her mistake and did not blame alcohol as the reason that she cheated. I never got to really communicate with her after the incident, even in the week after we broke up, because we were both a mess, and we were arguing profusely, but NEVER did I call her any degrading name or anything to disrespect her. I let her know that I still loved her, but we had to break up and take some time apart. I let two months go by, and on 4 March 2009 (today), I called at the advice of my family to see how she was holding up with the break-up. I let her know that I just wanted to see how she was doing, and that I wanted NOTHING else, and she proceeds to tell me about how she is good, and that she has moved on, and how I should be glad to get rid of a girl like her, et cetera, et cetera, when I never asked her any of that. She was very bitter towards me...but here's the kicker. If you are over me, why were we talking on the phone, long-distance from Japan, for an hour and thirty minutes. If you were moved on, wouldn't you get off of the phone within the first five minutes? Second, during an argument we were having, I hung the phone up on her, and I called right back after two minutes, and she answered, and we talked another 40 minutes, so one call was 50 minutes and the other call was 40. Also, if she were over me, why would she need to act childish and bitter when she could just be civilized, and calm, and just say that she has moved on? Usually, when someone that you have loved is bitter towards you, they still have feelings for you. I think that this is her defense mechanism as to not be hurt by what she thinks I will say. I feel no hatred toward this girl, I just gave her a courtesy call to check on her, and she starts ranting on me. I think she misses me, but she doesn't know how to express herself correctly. Please help me...I think it is woman talk for "I miss you but I messed up too badly, now I want you back but please don't hurt me"...Not to mention that when she comes back, we still have to work together. I appreciate your opinions.
Geishawhelk Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 I If you are over me, why were we talking on the phone, long-distance from Japan, for an hour and thirty minutes. If you were moved on, wouldn't you get off of the phone within the first five minutes? Not if you're lonely, far from home, talking to someone with which you originally had a good relationship and met after a long, abusive and terribly unhappy time (from which she may still be recovering) no. You don't say how long she was married, but you mention kids. the fact she was deployed to japan would indicate they're old enough to be left, so it might be a long one. Something like that is a huge thing to get out of. I suspect her drinking was a crutch for her in many ways. Second, during an argument we were having, I hung the phone up on her, and I called right back after two minutes, and she answered, and we talked another 40 minutes, so one call was 50 minutes and the other call was 40. Excuse me saying but hanging up on someone during an argument is bullying and controlling. What you're basically doing is saying "I call the shots, I'm controlling the way this is heading, and we're arguing, but on my terms". It's rude, and unnecessary. And I know you rang her back, but that's just more control. Waiting two minutes (ostensibly to let yourself cool down) is all very well, but you called her, she didn't call you back. Would she have done? Don't you think she's had enough of a man controlling and bullying her to last a lifetime already? Also, if she were over me, why would she need to act childish and bitter when she could just be civilized, and calm, and just say that she has moved on? Usually, when someone that you have loved is bitter towards you, they still have feelings for you. I think that this is her defense mechanism as to not be hurt by what she thinks I will say. There's more than you in the picture. It's not about you, it's about her. I don't know if she had counselling or professional help after her ordeal, but if not, she needs it. I feel no hatred toward this girl, I just gave her a courtesy call to check on her, and she starts ranting on me. I think she misses me, but she doesn't know how to express herself correctly. Please help me...I think it is woman talk for "I miss you but I messed up too badly, now I want you back but please don't hurt me"...Not to mention that when she comes back, we still have to work together. I appreciate your opinions. I think you're misreading the signs. She's vulnerable, alone and after one stupid foolish brainless and drunken incident, you kicked her to the kerb. I'm not excusing what she did, but there are deeper causes here... Did it not occur to you to consider underlying motives? She needed company, affection and someone to want her liberally. Unconditionally. Just for herself, for fun. She needed to be wanted. When she asked you to keep a spot of your heart for her, and you didn't answer, you do understand, don't you, that even with the kiss, you didn't actually give her any crumb of consent? Great. She asks one thing of you, and you didn't respond. That must have been a great comfort to her.... I realise there's probably a lot missing from the above, but we can only go by what you present us with. I think she would do best to not get into a relationship with anyone for a while, and find herself, and grow some dignity, self-esteem and self-worth. She's at a very low ebb right now, and the last thing she needs is another guy who thinks it's all him. Which I'm afraid, is what your post sounds like.
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