susyq76 Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 So, my sig. other and I have been together for 2.5 years, we started dating casually a little over 3 years ago. Made it official 2.5 years ago. We have a 4 month old daughter and live together. However, he doesn't want to get married. He states that he isn't ready yet. He's just "living." He also states that he doesn't feel like he has himself together financially and from a maturity standpoint to get married. He will tell me that he can see himself married to me when he is ready and in general, that he wants to get married at some point. He tells me that he doesn't want to say "We're getting married." or "When I'm read I'm marrying you" because he feel that will set a time clock on when he must propose. All he will say is that he can definitely see himself married to me and that I shouldn't even question that because he wouldn't have stayed this long if he didn't feel that way. So, I'm not sure if I'm more pressed about it because we have a child now or what..He's very committed to his child. I don't have any hints of him cheating or anything. He takes good care of home but won't fully commit. He's 3 years younger than me and seems like he is literally just living in the moment and not planning anything regarding marriage or even thinking about it right now. I almost feel like he fights it. Like he knows he should do it but doesn't want to ...like he's scared or scared of losing his "freedom." Any ideas? I feel more tied down because we have a child. I don't want to up and leave since we have a child and he's 29...maybe I should wait. Maybe I should run for the hills. I don't know. P.S He also comes from the school of thought that people should date for YEARS before getting married. He puts his nose up to people who get engaged and/or married within 2 years. P.S.S. He acknowledges that he doesn't want to be 35 with a girlfriend. He will be 30 this year....So, should I just give him time...or realize that he's not planning jack crap or even trying to get himself together to prepare for marriage... and I should just leave now. PSSS The pregnanc wasn't planned. When we found out he didn't want a child becuase he thought he was to "immature"...I gave him a get out of jail free card and told him I'd not have the child BUT we'd have to split. He opted to not split and have the child. He said he'd rather change his lifestyle and accommodate me and the baby than lose me.
Touche Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 You basically blackmailed him into staying with you. Could it be that he harbors some resentment over that? Also, would you really leave him and break up your "family" because he won't do what you want him to do? What about your child? Doesn't he deserve to be with both of you? I'm completely against having kids in an unwed situation but the fact is that, accident or not, you now have a child to think about. You don't have the luxury of "just leaving now" as you say...unless you're a selfish parent. Let me ask you this..other than his reluctance to get married right now, are you happy with him? If so, why would you leave him over this? Is it really worth the pain you will cause your child? And what he says below should mean something: He opted to not split and have the child. He said he'd rather change his lifestyle and accommodate me and the baby than lose me./QUOTE] If you're any kind of good parent, you won't only think of yourself. You don't have the luxury to call the shots on this one as I see it. I guess you're both even now since you had a child he did not want.
Author susyq76 Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 I didn't blackmail him in to anything. #1 - HE decided to break our rule and get me pregnant. Meaning, he literally said "I want you to have my baby" and ejaculated in me. We'd used the pull-out method without error for 1 year at that point. I had no clue he'd do that. THEN, when he realized I was really pregnant he got scared and said "Well, maybe we shouldn't have the baby because we aren't married and i Don't think I'm mature enough yada yada yada." I then said well fine, I won't have the child. However, I want to break up. I did not want to be with him after an abortion. So, he had to make a decision to move on or stay with me and have the child. That is not black mail. Black mail is if he WANTED the child and I got pregnant on purpose and made him stay with me. Shoot, if anything he blackmailed me!
Touche Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Funny how you jumped on that one bit and ignored all the other stuff. To be perfectly honest, neither one of you really sound mature enough for marriage. Sorry. Anyway, good luck with whatever you decide.
Author susyq76 Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 You basically blackmailed him into staying with you. Could it be that he harbors some resentment over that? Didn't blackmail him. He gave him an opportunity to wipe his hands clean of me and NOT have the baby. How is that blackmail to stay with me. If anything, if he didn't want to stay I gave him the PRIME way out! Also, would you really leave him and break up your "family" because he won't do what you want him to do? What about your child? Doesn't he deserve to be with both of you? Yes, my child deserves both of us. However, I'm NOT going to stay with him unmarried for 18 years so at some point we'll have to address the issue. The question is do I address it now or wait until and/or IF he comes around. I'm completely against having kids in an unwed situation but the fact is that, accident or not, you now have a child to think about. You don't have the luxury of "just leaving now" as you say...unless you're a selfish parent. If you have sex in an unwed situation, you can get pregnant. So, lets not be judgemental unless you've never had sex outside of marriage. My best friend is pregnant right now and was on birth control. no method is 100% effective. Anwho, yes, I agree that I'd like my child to be with her father. Let me ask you this..other than his reluctance to get married right now, are you happy with him? If so, why would you leave him over this? Is it really worth the pain you will cause your child? Yes, I'm very happy with him. We have a very happy fake family. I call it fake becuase of this triangle I don't have the same last name and I am not his wife. I want to be his wife and not do the playing house thing. But yes, I am very happy other than the lack of a ring. And what he says below should mean something: He opted to not split and have the child. He said he'd rather change his lifestyle and accommodate me and the baby than lose me./QUOTE] I agree, that is why I added that. This makes me feel as though he clearly wants to be with me. He just needs to step up to the plate and stop acting like he;s 21. If you're any kind of good parent, you won't only think of yourself. You don't have the luxury to call the shots on this one as I see it. Obviously I'm thinking of my child first and foremost. But again, I'm not staying with him unmarried for 18 years. I guess you're both even now since you had a child he did not want. Even? Please, he doesn't have the luxury to get me pregnant and tell me what to do with MY body. Again, he was given the opportunity to leave with no strings attached and NO child. He opted to stay and have the child. I was willing to have an abortion and go our different ways. So, he has nothing to get "even" over!
Author susyq76 Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 Actually Touche, I did answer your other questions. Funny how you didn't give me a chance and assumed I ignored your questions. anyway, thanks for your feedback. Enjoy your evening.
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