susyq76 Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 So, my sig. other and I have been together for 2.5 years, we started dating casually a little over 3 years ago. Made it official 2.5 years ago. We have a 4 month old daughter and live together. However, he doesn't want to get married. He states that he isn't ready yet. He's just "living." He also states that he doesn't feel like he has himself together financially and from a maturity standpoint to get married. He will tell me that he can see himself married to me when he is ready and in general, that he wants to get married at some point. He tells me that he doesn't want to say "We're getting married." or "When I'm read I'm marrying you" because he feel that will set a time clock on when he must propose. All he will say is that he can definitely see himself married to me and that I shouldn't even question that because he wouldn't have stayed this long if he didn't feel that way. So, I'm not sure if I'm more pressed about it because we have a child now or what..He's very committed to his child. I don't have any hints of him cheating or anything. He takes good care of home but won't fully commit. He's 3 years younger than me and seems like he is literally just living in the moment and not planning anything regarding marriage or even thinking about it right now. I almost feel like he fights it. Like he knows he should do it but doesn't want to ...like he's scared or scared of losing his "freedom." Any ideas? I feel more tied down because we have a child. I don't want to up and leave since we have a child and he's 29...maybe I should wait. Maybe I should run for the hills. I don't know. P.S He also comes from the school of thought that people should date for YEARS before getting married. He puts his nose up to people who get engaged and/or married within 2 years. P.S.S. He acknowledges that he doesn't want to be 35 with a girlfriend. He will be 30 this year....So, should I just give him time...or realize that he's not planning jack crap or even trying to get himself together to prepare for marriage... and I should just leave now. PSSS The pregnanc wasn't planned. When we found out he didn't want a child becuase he thought he was to "immature"...I gave him a get out of jail free card and told him I'd not have the child BUT we'd have to split. He opted to not split and have the child. He said he'd rather change his lifestyle and accommodate me and the baby than lose me.
laurie1027 Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 I do think if you take a step back and try to see it from his side, he has done a lot in the realm of commitment by sticking by you and your baby- and if he didn't "freak out" upon finding out you were pregnant, then I think that's better than many men in that type of situation. I think that it is important for both parties to feel fulfilled in a relationship and if you want to be married, that should be expressed. But I guess I would ask myself if it's a "deal breaker" and I've heard too many stories where once one party (typically the female) backs off from pressing the marriage point, the guy comes around. I think MANY men do not like thinking they are being pushed into something and if they even get a hint of it -they do the opposite- that's my ex. If you can be happy with your current situation and can back off of pressing for marriage, I would be within the next 2 years you're walking down the aisle.
Touche Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Ok, now I feel stupid. I just responded to this exact same thread. Why did you post it more than once?
Author susyq76 Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 Sorry, I'm new to the forum and thought I posted in the wrong area :-(
Nicodaemos Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 True many times over about you cant push a guy to do something, even if he wants to, but he will willingly do so. It seems that he is just scared of the idea of marriage. many view it like its a trap. a limitation. He may also feel inadaquate. I am not asking you to tell someone elses personal past here, but look at his, is there anything there that would indicate an inferior feeling in him? It may just be hes scared of the word. Marriage isnt so much an end to freedom, but rather a release. Its a release to know that someone loves you, to be able to go to sleep next to another, and know that you wont be physically harmed, wont be robbed, wont be taken advantage of in any way. Well, any way that one wouldnt already want from them, heh. Its when you wake up in the morning, and that other is still there. Its being able to stumble to the bathroom, wearing nothing, or almost nothing, and completely unkempt, and not feel uncomfortable. Its wanting to come home, because someone you know that loves you, and you love in return, is there, and will do everything in thier power to brighten your day, even if thier own day was dark. It sounds to me that you two are already married to each other in every way except for the technicality called marriage. That ring isnt something to constrict another, its there to tell others, no thanks, im quite happy where I am, have a good day.
Author susyq76 Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 Thanks Nickodaemos! I agree, we already have that. We've been together through thick and thin and he's always been my #1 supporter. Hopefully he will come around soon :-) Afterall, it hasn't been 10 years, just 2.5
Jersey Shortie Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 I don't think you need to worry to much about it at this point. However, knowing that you do want marriage in your life, he shouldn't sting you along either just because he is comfortable. No need to push him into something he doesn't want but the same is true for you. He shouldn't push you into a relationship with no marriage either if that isn't all you want. It's a subject where men really need to be upfront about there plans and where a woman needs to determine if she wants that or wants something else.
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