AnthonyF Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 From today's Toronto Star.... Finally we have an answer..... The eternal question: What makes a marriage last? Now, thanks to a survey of 3,000 Brits, there's not just a pat schmaltzy answer, but a by-the-numbers recipe. You need to say "I love you" daily, share two hobbies, and have sex three times a week. And that's not all. You're supposed to communicate – phone, text or email – three times a day during work hours, enjoy two romantic meals a month and exchange four kisses and three cuddles daily. In other words, you have to work at it. Researchers interviewed people who had been happily married for 10 years or longer about their opinions and experiences. The survey was done for a wedding website. "People here are most surprised by the need for daily kisses and cuddles. Everyone seems amazed by that," says Confetti spokesperson Carol Richardson. Brits need to relax that stiff upper lip? They're not smooching and snuggling enough? "That's probably the case," says Richardson. "It's free, easy and we all should be doing it." Researchers determined that the ideal couple in a good marriage likely met through friends and dated for three-and-a-half years before getting married. At the wedding, the groom was 31 and the bride was 29. They waited two years and two months to have kids. Somehow they manage to get away together three times a year for holidays and they spend three nights a week nestled together on the couch watching television. Presumably, to save time, this could be the same three nights a week they have sex. But it's not all kissy-face. The ideal formula includes two separate outings a month – girls' nights and boys' nights. "You need time apart to pursue your interests," says Richardson, "and bring something fresh back to the relationship."
White Flower Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 I would agree. As a recently divorced woman, it started to go downhill when the daily affection began to disappear. We still had all the rest until the end. I supposed it was the resentment (from both parties) that stifled the daily kisses and cuddles. Never underestimate the power of kisses and cuddles.
Zapbasket Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 I second White Flower. I think my previous relationship, which was long-distance for a significant amount of time, suffered from our lack of physical contact. Not just sex (we did have lots of phone sex during our LD time), but cuddling and kissing. I think without realizing what was happening our lack of physical closeness slowly eroded our bond, some unspoken connection that serves as balm in times of relational (and other) stress. I'll admit: I'm kinda tempted to put the categories and ratios in this article into an excel spreadsheet so that I can have a way to track whether my current relationship is afloat in all domains, and know what to pay more attention to when one domain seems to be lagging.
White Flower Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 I second White Flower. I think my previous relationship, which was long-distance for a significant amount of time, suffered from our lack of physical contact. Not just sex (we did have lots of phone sex during our LD time), but cuddling and kissing. I think without realizing what was happening our lack of physical closeness slowly eroded our bond, some unspoken connection that serves as balm in times of relational (and other) stress. I'll admit: I'm kinda tempted to put the categories and ratios in this article into an excel spreadsheet so that I can have a way to track whether my current relationship is afloat in all domains, and know what to pay more attention to when one domain seems to be lagging. What a great idea! Now to find me a new man...
Heroic Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Who wouldn't want to be in a relationship like that? If you give like you want to get from the very beggining it seems to work out well.
Author AnthonyF Posted March 6, 2009 Author Posted March 6, 2009 My wife read it and thought it sounded like a lot of work.....
JackJack Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 My wife read it and thought it sounded like a lot of work..... Its always what it is YOUR wife thinks....and its usually pretty negative. I would imagine that makes for a pretty negative influence for you to be under? Exactly how happy are you in your current situation since your wife thinks so negatively about things? It just doesn't sound like your wife wants to put forth much effort iin any department of your marriage. Anything worth having, will require a certain amount of work.
angie2443 Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 My wife read it and thought it sounded like a lot of work..... It really isn't work at all. I think it's all about getting in the habbit of doing these things and not taking a relationship for granted.
Touche Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 It really isn't work at all. I think it's all about getting in the habbit of doing these things and not taking a relationship for granted. I agree. If it's real and coming from the heart, then there's little effort and no "work" involved.
jwi71 Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 My wife read it and thought it sounded like a lot of work..... Wow! She actually said that? (She kinda sounds like my stbxw) I feel for ya
LiveandLearn Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 I agree. If it's real and coming from the heart, then there's little effort and no "work" involved. Exactly. It's the attitude you put towards it. If you go into it making it feel like a chore, then of course it won't be enjoyable and will feel like 'work'.
blair08 Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 I think there are some people who are lucky in the since, that they might have two people who are or want to be on the same page, so therefore it might makes things somewhat easier when they run into obstacles in the marriage. I think when you have people that need to do more work, its those people who may have one or both spouses who are not on the same page and might require more work from each other to get to that point.
Touche Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 I think there are some people who are lucky in the since, that they might have two people who are or want to be on the same page, so therefore it might makes things somewhat easier when they run into obstacles in the marriage. I think when you have people that need to do more work, its those people who may have one or both spouses who are not on the same page and might require more work from each other to get to that point. You know I actually agree with this. Not all marriages are the same. The thing is is that eventually people want to retire from working if you get my drift. And then where does that leave the marriage? To continue with my "work" analogy. It's kind of like a person who works his whole life at a job he's not that crazy about but is committed to. That person can't WAIT to retire vs. the person who has worked his/her whole life at a job that he/she loves. Those types don't want to retire because their jobs don't seem like "work" to them. The couple in my first example probably split up when the kids are grown. But the couple in my second example kick up their heels and live happily together into old age.
JackJack Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 I think there are some people who are lucky in the since, that they might have two people who are or want to be on the same page, so therefore it might makes things somewhat easier when they run into obstacles in the marriage. I think when you have people that need to do more work, its those people who may have one or both spouses who are not on the same page and might require more work from each other to get to that point. Yes, and that was pretty much my point about people doing some work in the marriage. I get what others are saying to about no one wants work to seem like a chore. TO ME, its not about it being a chore...but anything and yes I do mean anything worth having or hanging onto will require a certain amount of work. it may not be as much work for others as some though. Most people that work (job wise) are not going to sit on their ass and do nothing at all and expect the job to get done on its on, same in a relationship. I do think its easier though when you have two people on the same page, then yes its less likely to be as much work involved, and would come somewhat easier.
LiveandLearn Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 It also helps when couples show each other appreciation for the 'work' that the other person does, or the effort they put forth. It gives you MORE reason to keep doing it or wanting to do it.
JackJack Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 It also helps when couples show each other appreciation for the 'work' that the other person does, or the effort they put forth. It gives you MORE reason to keep doing it or wanting to do it. I agree.
Author AnthonyF Posted March 6, 2009 Author Posted March 6, 2009 I am sarcastic and caustic in my humour. My spouse know's my dissatisfaction with our sex lives as I have posted. I can go in to a long thread explaining my faults too and why she has some right to think the way she does. I don't agree and know to some extent what needs to be done (which to me means more sex, more practice....). I also know that pressuring her is no good. I also know our marriage is strong and my spouse has no interest in having to "train" or put up with another male (very sarcastic). We went to a therapist to discuss this years ago and I barely remember it (and she and I went on our own to). This was not marriage counselling, just therapy. The response she was told and absolutely the wrong one based on her past and current issues and foibles, was that it should be no big deal and simply have more sex like I want and see what happens. Unfortunately demands/ultimatums do not work with my spouse... So as I have said, and people say I am the one who is caught up in the numbers, which is a male sport fan's dilemna and thought process is that it is the numbers. If you have sex and your spouse orgasms 95% of the time, then it works, sometimes it being a see and eye single, sometimes a grand slam (baseball for those missing the analogy)..... So how about some more practice and fun? I am the one as per another post who knows the days we had sex (made love, for those romantics) and I also know if it was good or bad and what I did right (guessing) or wrong (knowing). She forgets the good more often then the bad. I can ask her, "remember new year's eve or the last time" and generally I get a laugh and a "no".... I then remind her why it was good and we should try it again.... As said if I got it as much as I think I want it, I'm sure it would be nowhere as good or worth the chase.... We are gone for a week and we will enjoy it and I certainly do not have half the problems I lead on about, but there is frustration, both know it, but things are really quite good. As said I like to vent as it keeps me sane......
blair08 Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Nothing wrong with venting and finding humor in things. People do what works best for them, and if finding humor or venting, or accepting things the way they are is what works, then that's ok too.
Author AnthonyF Posted March 6, 2009 Author Posted March 6, 2009 Nothing wrong with venting and finding humor in things. People do what works best for them, and if finding humor or venting, or accepting things the way they are is what works, then that's ok too. Please I hope that was not a condescending response. No marriage/partnership is perfect and never do you not make sacrifices for one another....
JackJack Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Please I hope that was not a condescending response. No marriage/partnership is perfect and never do you not make sacrifices for one another.... dude, chill. I do not think that reply was condesending, or in no way made to make fun of etc. At least I didn't perceive it that way. I didn't get that at al from that reply.
blair08 Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Please I hope that was not a condescending response. No marriage/partnership is perfect and never do you not make sacrifices for one another.... OMG WTH? No, it was not meant to be the way you think. I was simply saying that people do what works best for them in certain situations. If people find humor in things that bother them or whatever, its ok. It does make things seem not so bad, and its ok to laugh at stuff once in awhile. Don't tell me you can use sarcasim or humor in the way you deal with things in your posts, and then when someone comes back and says its ok, you jump on them. I actually agreed with what you were saying and tried to say I understood and that it was ok to use humor or to vent. Holy smokes!
Author AnthonyF Posted March 6, 2009 Author Posted March 6, 2009 OMG WTH? No, it was not meant to be the way you think. I was simply saying that people do what works best for them in certain situations. If people find humor in things that bother them or whatever, its ok. It does make things seem not so bad, and its ok to laugh at stuff once in awhile. Don't tell me you can use sarcasim or humor in the way you deal with things in your posts, and then when someone comes back and says its ok, you jump on them. I actually agreed with what you were saying and tried to say I understood and that it was ok to use humor or to vent. Holy smokes! I got it..... Sorry, I think others have posted and sounded (or at least the tone of the email, since there is no sound) a little skeptical of my statements.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 We went to a therapist to discuss this years ago and I barely remember it (and she and I went on our own to). This was not marriage counselling, just therapy. The response she was told and absolutely the wrong one based on her past and current issues and foibles, was that it should be no big deal and simply have more sex like I want and see what happens. Unfortunately demands/ultimatums do not work with my spouse... Sounds like more of a suggestion than an ultimatum, and it was absolutely the right one. Many couples find that, regardless of the enthusiasm with which it is first approached, "scheduled" sex positively impacts both parties. It is a common approach in your type of situation... Mr. Lucky
Author AnthonyF Posted March 7, 2009 Author Posted March 7, 2009 Sounds like more of a suggestion than an ultimatum, and it was absolutely the right one. Many couples find that, regardless of the enthusiasm with which it is first approached, "scheduled" sex positively impacts both parties. It is a common approach in your type of situation... Mr. Lucky Believe me I agree it was the right one:rolleyes:, unfortunately probably not couched correctly by the psychologist who did not fully assess her hard-headed attitude (not meant in a bad way, just some people you have to know how to approach and reason with)....
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