At the point of no return

[mendsley]

How often do you get to see your kids?

I see my kids every chance I get. Almost every three day weekend I try to see them. Every vacation they have from school I drive and pick them up. I know my wife (or soon to be ex, TDB) does not have the finances to meet half way or pay half for a plane ticket so I man up and drive the 10 hours to see them for a few days and drive back. The thing is these kids grow up so fast and you only have one shot in life to do your best with your children, a known effort is all that is required.

 

You can have nothing but, try as hard as you can to show compasion, love, care, and actually mean what you say your child will pick up on that.

 

Did you fight for custody?

I did not fight for custody cause I believe in my heart the children should be with thier mother even if times are tough for her. If she was abusive, or has them in an unsafe enviroment I would be there so damn fast to pick them up and she would have no say in it, only the law could stop me.

 

I have three kids but 2 are step children with different fathers and I was there raising them since they were very little. I cannot just dump them off because of what is happening with me and my wife, I was not a good step father, but after she left because of how I was to her and the kids something snapped and my way of thinking is much different.

 

It has taken that for me to realize what it must take to express myself to all three of my boys. I do what makes them safe and happy and you should do what you feel is right for your daughter, she will respect you. Most of the time when you come to a huge decision the correct answer will most likely be the hardest route. For you both are gonna be hard for you, my suggestion is her father will always be there so if you leave WITH your daughter and things are just not working out he will still be there to pick up your daughter so you can work on getting on your feet. At least if you take your daughter and you fail you gave it a TRY that is all that matters.

 

Did she move to another state?

We both lived in nothern Nevada and my job promoted me to Utah and she had told me she did not want to go, and because of my mental attitude at the time I did not take her feelings into account and still went. Well she said okay then I am moving back to Southern California with my freinds and family (and to try to work on things with her emotional affair at the time which did not work out). So we both moved to another state.

 

I know you are here for answers and people will not agree with the choices you are making but, in life what makes you happy while keeping your integrity and honosty in check is all that matters. I say do not string him along, you need to talk to him about everything and make sure he knows what you are saying, you need to see a counselor for yourself and a marriage counselor. Give it time life is made up of many rational choices give it thought and make sure you can life with the out come.

 

Good Luck

 

MIKE

[SmartWoman321]

Granted I would be moving in with my parents or brother at first. So it wouldn't be really ugly, but if she had a safe place (like our home that she is used to) to be while I figured out where I should be, wouldn't that be better?

 

************

No- it wouldn't. If you stay with your parents, her grandparents-who love her- you WILL be providing her with a safe and loving place. ANd you don't have to let her "see" you hit rock bottom, etc.- what kind of attitude is that? You can be the kind of mom you want to be with your daughter. Believe me, leaving your daughter is worse than taking her with you and living with grandparents for a while. You can continue to be a good mom and care for her, love her, enjoy time with her- even if you have no money, are jobless, etc. andliving with your parents. There are TONS of families who do this. Its not the end of the world.

Now- the question is, if you decide to be a good mom and take her with you, will dad fight this? I am thinking he could probably stop you from taking her more than 100 miles away if he wanted to.

[lostsoulmate]

A quit-claim will get you off the TITLE, from an ownership perspective, but that doesn't get you off the mortgage - that's a separate issue. Once you are committed to a mortgage, a bank doesn't let you walk away so easily; he may have to do a refinance, which would imply qualifying on his own, in order to get her off the mortgage.

 

 

I have already planned my budget so I would send him half of the house payment every month. Unless he wants to sell the house. I even told him to rent the appt out upstairs. He said no, he like being able to take a sh*t up there if he wants to.

 

Whatever that means.

[Trimmer]

Staying in the house doesn't save me money. I am the breadwinner (I pay most of the bills), I am willing to leave everything here for him so he doesn't have to start over. I am willing to take myself and my daughter with nothing and leave to move home today if I had to. Live with my parents, try to find work, a house, etc.

Since you are the breadwinner, why is there a requirement that you move "home?" Could you move out and stay in the area so your daughter could still have the benefit of both parents in her life on a regular basis?

 

I thought if she stayed with her dad for those few months while I establish a life for her and me, it might be better for her. She wouldn't have to see the unpleasantness that go along with hitting rock bottom and crawling to the top. (by that I mean... Me figuring out why I suck as a wife to be. Me figuring out why I had to find his mother dead. Me figuring out why I tried to be someone I am not.)

So it sounds like you think it would be better to have a break from the difficult job of being a parent while you go through these other difficult things. Unfortunately, that's not the way parenthood works.

 

Isn't it possible that there might be some benefit to her seeing her mother dealing with a difficult situation, handling it with strength, and climbing out under her own power?

 

Granted I would be moving in with my parents or brother at first. So it wouldn't be really ugly, but if she had a safe place (like our home that she is used to) to be while I figured out where I should be, wouldn't that be better?

I'm not really sure. I'm a very involved father, so I feel just as bonded to my kids as I believe a typical mother is - yes, even from age 4. (Flame on if you wish, but their mom would probably agree...) So I can't give a single, objective opinion that applies to everyone.

 

What I do believe is that a child is best served if they don't have to lose either parent, a situation which it sounds like you are guaranteeing by moving far away. My kids' mother and I work together to ensure that we both remain present and involved as parents in their lives, and we support each other in those roles, irrespective of what happened with our relationship as spouses.

 

I won't engage in the "mother-best or father-best" argument, as I believe "both" are best. That's why I asked why you can't stay in the area and establish a "home" that serves your daughter's best interest.

 

I have secured a place to live already (furnished, yeah!!!) but still need to get a job, daycare, school, doctor, etc.

 

With my tainted past, I post to gather info. I have nothing (in my life) to compare this current situation too. My childhood was not normal by any means. I want hers to be as normal as her two screwed up parents can give her.

You've talked about having her in a 'safe' place while you get settled; consider that the loss of either parent is not going to feel emotionally 'safe' to her. Consider this, and this question should give you pause: which parent will she grieve the loss of less? Because that's the situation your are creating for her, and you probably won't come up with an easy answer, either way.

[lostsoulmate]

Now- the question is, if you decide to be a good mom and take her with you, will dad fight this? I am thinking he could probably stop you from taking her more than 100 miles away if he wanted to.

 

I don't know if he will or not. He wouldn't even really talk to me about how I am feeling. I have told him I am not happy here. I have tried to ask him to go to MC (says spending money on that is useless), tried to get him to do couples therapy workshops (workbook tasks, he wouldn't do it).

 

My last resort, since he won't even try to understand how I feel is to leave.

 

You really think I would not be a good mom because I want her to stay with her father while I get myself together? That's harsh.

[lostsoulmate]

Since you are the breadwinner, why is there a requirement that you move "home?" Could you move out and stay in the area so your daughter could still have the benefit of both parents in her life on a regular basis?

 

Most of my unhappiness comes from living here, away from my family.

[Edna07]

I just don't understand why you can't stay in the house, end the engagement, get your things in order and THEN move and take your daughter with you.

 

It sounds like you are coming up with every excuse to get people to agree with you that it's OK to leave your daughter. It's NOT.

 

What is SO BAD about living with him? Is he abusive? I mean, seriously.

 

When you have children, it is no longer about you. They have to come first.

[Edna07]

Most of my unhappiness comes from living here, away from my family.

 

 

Your daughter is your family.

[lostsoulmate]

Your daughter is your family.

 

Quit posting.

 

I have read enough.

[SmartWoman321]

Ok. Good luck to you. We all hope you make the right decision.

[lostsoulmate]

In my haste, my apologies... for the earlier quit posting post.

 

What I have realized is, this decision is mine. I will have to own it. Reading the differing opinions has made me even more confused. But ultimately the choices made will have tidal wave effects on many people. Either way.

 

Thank you for your opinions.

[Edna07]

I understand you are upset, but don't put your situation out there for everyone to comment on unless you want to hear ALL opinions. Ones that are in line with yours and ones that aren't.

[lostsoulmate]

Upset isn't a good enough verb.

Livid is better.

I told him I didn't want to get married.

He said, "Don't worry you'll get back to normal soon. Everything will be ok."

WTF??????

 

I want him to f**king listen to me. Not dismiss what I say.

 

AGHHHHHH!!!!!!

[Edna07]

I know how you feel.

 

I have told my husband a million times I want a divorce and he doesn't get it. He keeps telling people I have post partum depression or I'm going through a "phase". Maybe he'll get it when he gets served with papers.

 

You just have to move forward and he'll finally get it.

[lostsoulmate]

I know how you feel.

 

I have told my husband a million times I want a divorce and he doesn't get it. He keeps telling people I have post partum depression or I'm going through a "phase". Maybe he'll get it when he gets served with papers.

 

You just have to move forward and he'll finally get it.

 

I don't want it to get ugly. I want to be civil about my daughter custody situation. But I am at the point that I want to tell him about my affair just so he will kick me out!

 

I don't want to hurt him. I am never going to tell him just so I can get it off my chest. That is what I would be doing.

[TrustInYourself]

Is it about your family or the affair?

 

Go out on your own, do what you want to be happy. Leave your husband and daughter behind.

 

Your decision to do this is for your own benefit and happiness, so what does it matter to leave your daughter behind as well. You're leaving your husband behind for percieved happiness with another man. Just tack on your daughter as another victim to your happiness.

 

Eventually, you can do anything. Murderers look past all their indiscretions because they feel like they need to kill in order to be happy. Murder your marriage and your relationship with your daughter, if you truly think another man you barely know is the answer to your sadness, go for it.

 

I'm all for you being honest with your husband. He deserves to know. Tell him so you can actually work this out with him on the same level. Why would you hide it? Because you are afraid of the consequences of your actions? Face them. He deserves that and so do you. Especially if you've made the decision to leave him.

 

Maybe sometime in the future, when you've matured and grown past thinking what you don't have is better than what you have, you'll realize your mistakes.

 

Who enabled your thought process of whatever you want, you can have? That's sad.

[lostsoulmate]

Is it about your family or the affair?

 

I have had NC with the OM. This is not about him. It is about me and my happiness.

 

Go out on your own, do what you want to be happy. Leave your husband and daughter behind.

 

Your decision to do this is for your own benefit and happiness, so what does it matter to leave your daughter behind as well. You're leaving your husband behind for percieved happiness with another man. Just tack on your daughter as another victim to your happiness.

 

Unwarranted.

 

 

Eventually, you can do anything. Murderers look past all their indiscretions because they feel like they need to kill in order to be happy. Murder your marriage and your relationship with your daughter, if you truly think another man you barely know is the answer to your sadness, go for it.

 

Comparing a cheater to a murderer is slightly ridiculous.

 

I'm all for you being honest with your husband. He deserves to know. Tell him so you can actually work this out with him on the same level. Why would you hide it? Because you are afraid of the consequences of your actions? Face them. He deserves that and so do you. Especially if you've made the decision to leave him.

 

I will never tell him. If he finds out and asks me about I will not lie.

 

 

Maybe sometime in the future, when you've matured and grown past thinking what you don't have is better than what you have, you'll realize your mistakes.

 

Who enabled your thought process of whatever you want, you can have? That's sad.

 

I think I live in America so if I want something I need to work hard enough to have it, righ?. The American dream.

If he wanted me he should work for it, right?

I know what I have is great!

I have a job, a house I can afford, a car that is payed off, a wonderful daughter.

Don't think I don't have guilt for the way I feel. I should be happy, BUT I AM NOT HAPPY! And that is not a crime, but it is something I can change.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

lostsoulmate, your last post simply reinforces what TIY was trying to say about you and your actions. Please go back and re-read what you have wrote. Your post makes you appear very self-centered.

 

In regards to comparing murder to cheating, they are respectively the 6th and 7th commandments:

6) You shall not murder

7) You shall not commit adultery

[TrustInYourself]

I have had NC with the OM. This is not about him. It is about me and my happiness.

 

 

 

Unwarranted.

 

 

 

 

Comparing a cheater to a murderer is slightly ridiculous.

 

 

 

I will never tell him. If he finds out and asks me about I will not lie.

 

 

 

 

I think I live in America so if I want something I need to work hard enough to have it, righ?. The American dream.

If he wanted me he should work for it, right?

I know what I have is great!

I have a job, a house I can afford, a car that is payed off, a wonderful daughter.

Don't think I don't have guilt for the way I feel. I should be happy, BUT I AM NOT HAPPY! And that is not a crime, but it is something I can change.

 

I'm not trying to persecute you or tell you your actions are wrong. I'm trying to get you to understand yourself and the reason you feel conflicted.

 

NC with the OM is just going to intensify your feelings and longing for him. The only thing that will mute those feelings is prolonged and sustained contact. You have to be with him and truly explore all the possibilities with him until you will realize whether or not he lives up to the fantasy that is growing more powerful every day of NC.

 

Part of that fantasy will be destroyed by "airing the dirty laundry". If everyone knows your true motivation for leaving your husband and daughter, that should create meaningful consequences for your decision. That's the last thing you want, I'm sure.

 

It also serves to let your husband know the dire situation he faces. He won't dismiss your feelings if he understands your true intentions. He'll have it rough. He probably truly loves you. Ask any man on this forum how they feel knowing their wife longs for someone else. They feel confused and angry. Can you even fathom your husbands emotions and reactions to what you are thinking?

 

You truly deserve to be happy and I hope you find that happiness. I really mean that. We all deserve to be happy. But you need to also think of your daughter's happiness, and to some degree the man you married. That's part of being a good person.

 

It's on you, in the end. Not me or anyone else on this forum. We're just here to help.

[lostsoulmate]

lostsoulmate, your last post simply reinforces what TIY was trying to say about you and your actions. Please go back and re-read what you have wrote. Your post makes you appear very self-centered.

 

In regards to comparing murder to cheating, they are respectively the 6th and 7th commandments:

6) You shall not murder

7) You shall not commit adultery

 

For a christian. I am not! And the commandments only say both actions are wrong, it doesn't compare them to each other.

 

I am being self-centered! For the first time in my life I am doing something for me. I have that right! My life until now has been not so good.

 

I was abused as a child, as a young lady and as an adult (not with my current SO). I am finally taking upon myself to BE HAPPY. To take action for myself.

 

I have been to IC in the past because of my situation growing up. And I know going to IC would be my best option, but I know my SO will use it against me as he thinks only crazies go to IC.

[TrustInYourself]

For a christian. I am not! And the commandments only say both actions are wrong, it doesn't compare them to each other.

 

I am being self-centered! For the first time in my life I am doing something for me. I have that right! My life until now has been not so good.

 

I was abused as a child, as a young lady and as an adult (not with my current SO). I am finally taking upon myself to BE HAPPY. To take action for myself.

 

I have been to IC in the past because of my situation growing up. And I know going to IC would be my best option, but I know my SO will use it against me as he thinks only crazies go to IC.

 

I don't think so in the least. I went to IC and it helped me out immensely.

 

Regardless of your past, that doesn't give you the right to act selfishly and you know this. I think you know what's right, but it's very hard to do the right thing when you feel your happiness is at stake.

 

Some people have absolutely nothing, no food, no water, no medicine, and lose everything on a daily basis. They have no stability, no security, and nothing to look forward to, but constant disease, warfare, and suffering. These people still find a way to be happy.

[lostsoulmate]

I'm not trying to persecute you or tell you your actions are wrong. I'm trying to get you to understand yourself and the reason you feel conflicted.

 

If you have that answer... bless us with it, please.

 

NC with the OM is just going to intensify your feelings and longing for him. The only thing that will mute those feelings is prolonged and sustained contact. You have to be with him and truly explore all the possibilities with him until you will realize whether or not he lives up to the fantasy that is growing more powerful every day of NC.

 

Part of that fantasy will be destroyed by "airing the dirty laundry". If everyone knows your true motivation for leaving your husband and daughter, that should create meaningful consequences for your decision. That's the last thing you want, I'm sure.

 

You are the only one who has told me to stay in contact with him???

 

It also serves to let your husband know the dire situation he faces. He won't dismiss your feelings if he understands your true intentions. He'll have it rough. He probably truly loves you. Ask any man on this forum how they feel knowing their wife longs for someone else. They feel confused and angry. Can you even fathom your husbands emotions and reactions to what you are thinking?

 

I will say again. I am not leaving him for the OM. I am leaving for myself and for my SO. He deserves someone who will be happy here with him. I am not.

 

You truly deserve to be happy and I hope you find that happiness. I really mean that. We all deserve to be happy. But you need to also think of your daughter's happiness, and to some degree the man you married. That's part of being a good person.

 

It's on you, in the end. Not me or anyone else on this forum. We're just here to help.

 

I have thought long and hard about my daughter. If I stay with my SO and live this unhappy life, what would I be teaching my daughter. That it is ok to settle with someone you are not truly happy with.

 

Yes, I know the decision is mine to make. I wish my SO would take what I say seriously. To dismiss me sucks!

[lostsoulmate]

I don't think so in the least. I went to IC and it helped me out immensely.

 

Yeah, but you may or may not take me to court over the custody of my daughter.

 

Regardless of your past, that doesn't give you the right to act selfishly and you know this. I think you know what's right, but it's very hard to do the right thing when you feel your happiness is at stake.

 

Humans first instinctive nature is to survive. That is the most selfish act there is. I am trying to survive.

 

Some people have absolutely nothing, no food, no water, no medicine, and lose everything on a daily basis. They have no stability, no security, and nothing to look forward to, but constant disease, warfare, and suffering. These people still find a way to be happy.

 

Duh, hence the guilt I feel for not being happy.

[TrustInYourself]

If you have that answer... bless us with it, please.

 

I addressed this is my post above.

 

You are the only one who has told me to stay in contact with him???

 

Yes, because you need to kill the fantasy, rather than entertain thoughts of how much better the fantasy can be.

 

I will say again. I am not leaving him for the OM. I am leaving for myself and for my SO. He deserves someone who will be happy here with him. I am not.

 

Rationalize it however you want. Happiness is a matter of perspective. The next thing I will hear is you were never happy. You never loved him, etc. I've heard enough posts to know that you are retroactively remembering things to fit your current emotional state. People do that. It's just the way we are wired.

 

I have thought long and hard about my daughter. If I stay with my SO and live this unhappy life, what would I be teaching my daughter. That it is ok to settle with someone you are not truly happy with.

 

There is always two sides to every perspective. I could give you the other perspective, but what purpose would it serve. You will choose to see things the way you see them, regardless of what I tell you. You are her mother, you will make the call. If you want to be blind to all the other lessons that come with the decision you "want" to make, so be it. It happens every day. People deal with the sh*tsandwiches life throws them.

 

Yes, I know the decision is mine to make. I wish my SO would take what I say seriously. To dismiss me sucks!

 

You want the man to take you seriously? Tell him the total truth. Men will not address matters of the heart, until they are blatant problems that can't be ignored. Give him something to take seriously. Does he know you are moving out?

[Chrome Barracuda]

Why dont she stop running from her problems and face them like a real woman!!!

 

The bottom line if she runs from her problems she'll never face them. And I think the husband should get 50/50 she's not in the right frame of mind to take care of anyone. look at what she's saying, she's leaving for her? No, she's leaving because she is a coward and her actions are cowardly.

 

But you know what instead of telling she's gonna leave why dont she just do it, stop procrasinating and just leave. all this talking aint solving anything.