Chrome Barracuda Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Sheezus! I would be confused too! what do you do now? So she has been working on herself but the question is why was she keeping it all a secret??? Why not put it out there that she wants the marriage from the get-go? how long was she going for?
jnj express Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 First off both of you were responsible for the failure or now maybe near failure of the mge., but she was 100% responsible for the A., you had nothing to do with her choice to give herself to another. As to today's developments. You don't have to make any decisions right now. Just go with this and see what happens between the two of you for a couple of months, both of you know what needs to be fixed, maybe you might try to fix it. You can continue the divorce proceedings at any time, you cannot go out and find a mother to your kids anywhere. If she has truly come to terms with the situation and wants the mge., take your time and see what happens. You can always become single again. It may be a long time even years before you can ever trust her again, but who knows if she is now truly remorseful, and wants to follow your rules, and you can get thru the pain and visions, your mge., might be salvageable. Just take your time, there is no rush, you have a whole life to live in front of you.
sugarmomma Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Wow!!! Since you have already filed for the divorce you have a huge decision to make. Talk is cheap and only time will tell if her behavior shows that she is willing to do any work on herself. You could always tell her that you are willing to delay the divorce for 6 months just to take note of her actions. That way she knows that the divorce is not completely off the table. Actions and words have to be in alignment before true change can take place. People don't change because we are sick of them, they change because they are sick of themselves. Good Luck!
boldjack Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Wow, JW, what a bombshell! Aftre coming to terms with the d only to have her seemingly show a positive trend, MUST be mindf**king. The only thing is , has she shown any true remorse to you? Does she realize that the trust she broke, will have to be earned back? I wouldn't take any step backwards, until YOU are satisfied that she has shown true repentance. Then and only then can you(as a couple) move forward. If it were me, I would proceed with the divorce. But that's my opinion. You know her and will doubtless be able to tell If she has earned a postponement or cancellation of the d. Good luck
65tr6 Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 I'm at a loss.. jw, I see this as a positive that your wife is willing to work through this. What is the hurry ? Take your time. I would put the D on the shelf for now. However, she has to make your relationship top priority.
bentnotbroken Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Her actions are confusing and impressive. Seems as if she has come to some major realizations about herself.
carhill Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Actions. IMO, continue with the process (D) and continue to gauge those actions and work on your own. Without an affair I might be more positive. Hopeful, surely
flash582 Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Man .... I feel for you. I walked down this path 8 years ago, the difference is that the EX didn't come back until AFTER I was over her. Then it was too late for reconciliation. You've got a few years invested here, what's a couple of more months? And I do mean months, not years. If you don't feel that you've made progress and you're getting that "warm and fuzzy" that you can begin to trust again, then it's time to bail. By the way .... my personal opinion is that she had second thoughts BECAUSE you were ok with it and proceeding towards a new life. When you start moving on is what triggers this response. So ... you have three choices ..... 1. Continue down the path towards the Divorce. 2. Give it an honest shot 3. Run away Stop trying to analyze her motivations .... it will always drive you crazy because there is no way you can ever understand how another person thinks. Instead .... try to look just at her actions .... they will be the largest indicator of what comes next.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 It was a hard and bitter fight one I ultimately "lost". No, you won. You won your life back. Affairs are mind numbing to the BS. And my W's repsonse? "Its your fault. You should handle it better and get over it". And this is just but one reason why.
RinClavin Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 Wow... talk about confusion. I'll just start out by saying I am really sorry that you're going through this, but the individual clarity that you seem to have gained is invaluable! Anytime you face failing at something this big... something that's this important if forces your to redefine a lot of things. It seems as though you started doing that in the wake of the A. Maybe it took staring D in the face before your wife could start that same process. Maybe. I don't know. You are completely justified in going ahead with this D. You tried... she didn't, and it's not your fault that she didn't get it until this late in the game (assuming she's gotten it). BUT If you think there's a chance at rebuilding NOW... you're also justified in trying to find equilibrium and putting the D on hold. You are in the driver's seat.... and if you want to drive around the block a couple times then you can. If you don't... that's fine too.
boldjack Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 JW, Keep going with the divorce. Tell your wife that you are willing to continue your life, with or without her, depending upon her ACTIONS, not her words. She MUST prove that she not only understands her guilt but feels the shame and sorrow that HER cheating caused. Only her actions will decide her place in YOUR life, and the only judge is you.
Athena Posted March 31, 2009 Posted March 31, 2009 JW, Keep going with the divorce. Tell your wife that you are willing to continue your life, with or without her, depending upon her ACTIONS, not her words. She MUST prove that she not only understands her guilt but feels the shame and sorrow that HER cheating caused. Only her actions will decide her place in YOUR life, and the only judge is you. Recently I found myself thinking I should cut and paste some of these posts into a Word Document, for the Wisdom they contain in them. If I had started this, THIS post would certainly be one of them! Maybe I should do that, and then WE all can make a profit out of selling a book of Wise Infidelity Quotes...
seibert253 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 JW, Keep going with the divorce. Tell your wife that you are willing to continue your life, with or without her, depending upon her ACTIONS, not her words. She MUST prove that she not only understands her guilt but feels the shame and sorrow that HER cheating caused. Only her actions will decide her place in YOUR life, and the only judge is you. Couldn't have said it any better.
Darth Vader Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 No, you won. You won your life back. And this is just but one reason why. I see what you are saying...... Affairs are mind numbing to the BS. And my W's repsonse? "Its your fault. You should handle it better and get over it". I just don't know how you can overcome these piercing words. Have you even brought this back up in her face, she needs to answer for everything! I don't know what else to tell you, except you got your life back, and well, STBXW knows there are lots of other women out there that you could have, and you'd be happier with them. But even I know it's your call.
KismetGirl Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 Wow jw, that's some crazy roundabouts youre going through. While her response seems harsh at first (the blank affect, seeming lack of remorse) I suspect part of it was, perhaps, shame. Oftentimes when people know they've done something wrong, they become defensive and angry at the other person, even though in reality they want to apolgoize...the anger and the mean words are more a defense mechanism....in reality you feel bad about what you did and you want to say you're sorry but....just something keeps them from doing so because obviously, having an affair, she thought you had messed up at one point to make her WANT to have the affair at all. And likely, she was probably resentful at feeling like she had to be the one to earn back trust , and feel like the wrong one, when for years she probably felt wronged herself. Even though she willingly gave up passwords, and access to her private things and etc, I gurantee you she felt bitter at having to do so. It's a balance of "well he pushed me to want to cheat" vs. "i want to win his trust back". The whole dynamic of a WS begging a BS to take them back makes it an almost unequal dynamic of relationship, of the WS wandering about on tiptoes afraid to anger the BS since they are the one that has "messed up" by having an affair, and that sort of submissive, apologetic behaviour she felt forced to do to win your trust back also might have made her inwardly resentful of you when she thought "but this isn't all my fault." Make sense? And you're right...a marriage, failed or otherwise, is the result of both partners. No one is an innocent party. No one deserves to be cheated on, but the fact that you take responsibility now is huge. And the fact that she took on the counseling on her own is impressive too. Sometimes people need to be able to talk to a therapist on their own to really gain some insight into their own behaviour. No matter what, people will always be more honest when they don't feel the pressure of speaking in front of someone else. She probably had some frustrations she had to get out and address without you sitting there in MC with her. Seems like whether it was the therapy or the D right in her face, something clicked to maybe make her realize what she was about to lose. She perhaps was fearful that you might really still be the same man that "drove" her to cheat before, and are just hurt now and acting "better" because of that hurt. Perhaps she wasn't sure if this change brought about in your personality was real or viable, or simply a short-term reaction to the affair and your job/income loss. It seems from the way you write that, despite relegating yourself to a D or accepting it, that it isn't really what you want. Your posts on old threads, mine included, always had a sense of experience and helpfulness, but at the same time I sensed some hidden anger - at what Im not sure, maybe the situation as a whole, maybe at realizing that you did have an affect on the way the marriage turned out, whatever it may be. Reading these posts on this thread now, however, you sound different. Humbled, almost, and confused. Rightly so, on the confused part. If what you and her both want is to try and fix the M, why not try? What more have you got to lose by attempting to salvage the family? i don't mean years of trying (well, a marraige is a lifetime of trying, but you know what i mean). But, take the next 6 months, maybe, and see how it goes. What more is 6 months in a lifetime at this point. I feel like both of your behaviours have ben remarkable milestones in the progress to a sort of recovery. What you both need, is to be able to get back on the road to being EQUALS in the relationship. Only when you feel equal will the bitterness, resentfulness go away and trust start to really be earned again. There are no fixed markers, you will know in your heart if after a certain period you feel that it is working and has potential again. No one here can tell you the proper time frame or signs really, but you can always file for divorce again. Hell, alot of people divorce, and rediscover their relationships, only to re-marry again at some point. they even stay together in the same house, and the D and re-marry are just symbolistic markers as to the changes abounding in the relationship. You have alot to think about but you seem like an intelligent, level-headed person, who has gotten past the initial anger-emotional-"She has to pay for what she did by earning her right to be my wife again" phase, and is ready to either fix this or go on. No relationship will work when there is unequality....that and real communication. One spouse fearful of the other, or one spouse constantly begging the other, or afraid to make the other mad....no matter what I feel those are doomed to failure. Good luck man, let us know what you decide and how it goes, you have alot to live for in either respect, whether you choose to stay married or not, but do what is in your heart.
Author jwi71 Posted April 7, 2009 Author Posted April 7, 2009 I really struggled last week. Brutal. I was truly shocked to see her there. And, then I was happy she as there. Because maybe she DID care, or maybe it validated my worth. Not sure yet. But, tbh - I was happy. I did ask why she hid it from me. She said I would discount what she was doing. She said I would say she was just going through the motions. I replied "That's because for almost 6 months you did just go through the motions. Don't blame me for paying attention". So that's why is her reply to my reply. Makes sense. We discussed other things but this really stuck out in my mind. You see, she lurks here. Refuses to post (I think she is scared of Dexter). And she said something to this effect: " You always tell them on LS that the A fog is bad and confusing. And it takes time to clear. For them to be patient and wait and to help the WS come out of the fog. Why won't you DO that for me? Be patient. I move at my pace, not yours." I felt very dirty at that. Ashamed even. Anyways. We had several late nights talking together and she wants to move back in. I have so far refused. The kids were at first happy and excited. It was new to them. But they are beginning to miss me. And when they are here...they miss her. Its very hard to explain these things to them. She seems miserable. But I don;t know if its because I'm gone or that she misses everything I used to do. Not sure. And being a single parent is HARD. Hell, being a parent is hard. She has made some progress. She no longer blames ME for everything. She at least says the right things. But she has done that before. I have not withdrawn the D petition. She didn't ask and I wasn't offering. Still living apart. This was easier before she tried. Now its hard. I agreed to meet once a week to talk. We have already had several late talks. One day at a time.
In Like Flynn Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 Be patient. I move at my pace, not yours." I have a problem with this statement!!! Yes I cheated on you and yes I have destroyed you and the family, yes I still long for my cheating partner, and yes I have torn this family apart hurting our children, I will not be rushed into making this up to you and being truly remorseful. I move at my own pace, not yours......I will grace you will true recovery when I feel like it!!!! P.S. But please move back in so our finances will be better and I will have another person helping with the kids!!! Sounds likes true remorse to me!!!
whichwayisup Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 Time will tell and so will her future actions..As long as she IS making progress and proving she IS out of the affair fog, working on herself and willingly putting effort into fixing things, then just take it all slowly. Day to day, week to week. No need in rushing into the D or rushing for her to move back in. BUT, there has to be a time limit on this too, she can't put this line out there: " You always tell them on LS that the A fog is bad and confusing. And it takes time to clear. For them to be patient and wait and to help the WS come out of the fog. Why won't you DO that for me? Be patient. I move at my pace, not yours." and expect you to sit pretty and wait for her to get her crap together. Make sense?
Darth Vader Posted April 7, 2009 Posted April 7, 2009 I don't think it's wise for you to keep posting here on every little thing with your wife lurking on here, she knows too much, thus she can, or is twisting everything around on you. Sounds like she's trying to force you to do something, that's when you dig your heals in and don't do anything! Remember, she cheated, not you. She blamed you for her screwing someone else. By her reading your posts, she's in a way violating your own thoughts and privacy, something you still have a right to. So basically, you really have no place that you can really speak your mind, without her eyes seeing it somehow. You shouldn't feel like what you're saying is being monitored, I'm sure you feel that way sometimes. Really, is she controling? She sure sounds like it to me, just my 2 cents! " You always tell them on LS that the A fog is bad and confusing. And it takes time to clear. For them to be patient and wait and to help the WS come out of the fog. Why won't you DO that for me? Be patient. I move at my pace, not yours." I felt very dirty at that. Ashamed even. Anyways. Sure looks like she's twisting things around, eh? Why should you feel ashamed for anything? You haven't done anything wrong!
Dexter Morgan Posted April 8, 2009 Posted April 8, 2009 You see, she lurks here. Refuses to post (I think she is scared of Dexter). she should be....I think all cheaters need to be wrapped in cellophane with a picture of their victims at their side to see just before they are snuffed!
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