SmartWoman321 Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 My H and I are back in the house together for financial reasons. We are talking about filing for D (again) and letting it go thru, even though we need to live together. We are freindly- but strictly roommates and parents together. He cannot afford to be out of the house because of his employment situation. I saw a report recently on the news on how many poeple are finding themselves in the situation where they are divorced but have to live together for a while because of finances. We are uncontested and do not fight or argue. We are on friendly terms. What are your thoughts on this and is anyone else in this situation?
headlesschicken Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 i'm moving back in with my husband (separated, not legally, haven't filed yet) next month. we're lucky in that the transition from lovers to friends has been pretty easy on both of us--not perfect but we have such a strong friendship bond that we're willing to see the bad times through. we'll both save money due to this arrangement, and it'll be nice to reunite our furbabies. we don't necessarily NEED to do this due to finances, ie we could get other roommates, but it will hopefully work for us, because at least i know i can live with him, he's not as iffy as finding a stranger to live with.
Author SmartWoman321 Posted March 4, 2009 Author Posted March 4, 2009 wow- I am thrilled to have found someone in kind of my situation. What about the dating thing? How old are your kids? I have 3 teens-13, 14 and 17. Have you discussed the dating thing or is that something that is just not being approached?
PWSX3 Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 My friend & her ex live together as roommates & she says they get along better now then they did when they were married because she can do what she wants & he can't tell her what to do, but she still liked him as a person... I had also heard that about people staying together because of finance's.
toddro Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Im in that situation now, we have been seperated for almost four months now.Neither of us have the finances to move out. We want to because its an awkward situation. She has a boyfriend who she stays with two or three nights a week and I am just not ready to date, plus I dont have the time. It sucks, that about all I can say.
Ronni_W Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 What about the dating thing? When I was in that situation (for years after our divorce), the rule at the beginning was "no dates in or around the house." Period. I likely would have relaxed that IF I could have gotten to know his girlfriends beforehand but that never happened. He did become friendly with my long-term b/f so mine did eventually (years later) stay over -- mostly if they were going golfing, or working on the ex's car, or somesuch. Personally, I'd never have brought anyone home within months, as toddro's ex is doing -- to me, that would just have been "cruel and unusual". But to be honest, I can't see my ex agreeing to it, either...even if I had wanted to. With hindsight, I think it was much more difficult on my ex although he never showed it (maybe wasn't even consciously aware of it.) We didn't have any kids, though -- so not sure if/how that would have made a difference. EDIT: Oh. Most of my ex's potential girlfriend's couldn't wrap their heads around the situation, so that was always a problem for him. Suspect many guys would also have issues, but maybe not as many guys as women. Don't know, really. I got lucky with my boyfriend -- I do know that.
onward Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 My STBXW wants us to do exactly that, but personally I think it is abusive. 1. She's been wanting a D for 18 months. And we've been in a collaborative D process for a year now. 2. She has not been able to find a job 3. I am absolutely not over her, and while she is here I can not move on emotionally. On top of all of this she sneaks around and screws other guys. Because "we've not been married for 18 months." You want a divorce? fine, please move out, that's what it means - you are on your own. Pick up your own messes and financial obligations. Unfortunately you can't kick someone out, and on top of that we're in a wacky collaborative divorce, which is going no-where because you need both to agree to everything. So this allows her to cake eat indefinitely, while I work my ass off and we build up larger and larger debts. All of which she expects me to cover, along with the D costs, and setting her up in a condo if/when she finds a job. Once divorced she wants us to share the house, and if I want her out sooner then I have to pay her big-bucks. Un-F'ing-real. As I said, it's abusive, and the 35K sunk into D costs and collaborative lawyers has not helped one little bit.
Author SmartWoman321 Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 wow- obviously every situations different. As for me, I know plenty of people who stay together for financial reasons (or the kids) only. And because of the economy, there is a growing trend now for divorced people to continue to live amicably (or not so amicably) in the marital house for financial reasons- its too expensive to live apart. AT least on a temporary basis until the economy improves. I am quite sure I could do it. Actually, for me, there would be no difference then how we live now, except there would be a peice of paper that says we are divorced. Other than that, I can't imagine what would change. We live a friendly roommates now, have for years- so really, there wouldn't be a difference.
LakesideDream Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 I started a thread about this in the Getting Married forum, http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t181623/ I am beginning to think we will see a great deal of folks becoming seperated emotionally, sexually, and often legally in the current rocky financial times. Many of us are "in" way over our heads financially and cannot exist reasonably without the effenicy of a two wage earner / single domicile partnership. I'm a single man with a very frugal living situation. Own a home outright. Low bills, almost zero debt (only owe slight money I'm using to improve my home) I live by myself in 1600 square feet. Have two spare bedrooms. I could easily add two more people to the living situation for less than a thousand dollars a month. That's effecient. When married with Children (2) there was always a mortgage. We lived within our means, meaning less than $1000 of credit card balance, paying cash for all our "extras". We did not rely on the wifes income to pay our basic living expenses. My wife never brought home more than $300 a week when working. I knew that the expense of her having a job cost almost $200. a week. She found out immediately after the divorce (empty nesters) that two houses were more expensive than one. While her income had risen to $400.00 a week the last year of the marriage and we had moved away from California to a much lower cost of living state, she still had trouble just paying bills. The extras went out the window. I on the other hand had enough income to take on the responsibility of supporting my drug addicted son, and contributing $800 per month to my daughters college education. This wasn't because I made more money, in fact my income fell 40% when we moved. It's because I lived more frugally, inside my income without taking on debt. I expect that if the economy was as it is now, rather than being in boom times as it was then, there never would have been a divorce. I wouldn't have been feasible for her and her BF.
Bluebird In My Heart Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 A view from the other side of the fence... There would be no way in Hell I would date anyone in a 'living with my ex' situation. Way too many people reconcile as it is and their new love gets left in the dust - I would feel way too vulnerable getting involved someone in a situation like this!
Author SmartWoman321 Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 This is intersting- one of my friends lived with her EX AND her fiance!
headlesschicken Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 wow- I am thrilled to have found someone in kind of my situation. What about the dating thing? How old are your kids? I have 3 teens-13, 14 and 17. Have you discussed the dating thing or is that something that is just not being approached? no kids. we never wanted them. i admit that makes this a million times easier. well, it's hard to say about the dating thing since we haven't made the move back in together yet, but i know he took someone out a number of times, and i just broke off a relationship of my own. husband and i have been separated just over a year. when i was sad, he was sympathetic and...a friend....let me cry on his shoulder about the breakup...said he was sorry it didn't work out, and i try to be a friend to him, too. it's difficult for me--not because i am jealous really or want him back, because i don't, but i'm overprotective of his heart and interests because i want him to be healthy and happy no matter who he's with. i think the key is communication (cliche time!). when a relatioship changes, new boundaries are formed, which might not be noticed until they're broken or tripped over. as long as the parties respect each other, i think it's possible to remain civil, and in my case, friendly.
headlesschicken Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Other than that, I can't imagine what would change. We live a friendly roommates now, have for years- so really, there wouldn't be a difference. same here, smartwoman. my husband and i are much better friends and roommates than we were lovers. we tried, and now i think we're both happier although the break up was difficult and sad, we kept the friendship throughout it.
Author SmartWoman321 Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 well, he is financially dependant on me and I am basically supporting him in this house. If and when I file for D again, I will tell him he can stay and live as roommates (just like it is now)- or not. He will have to deal with it.
carhill Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Nah, I helped my wife buy a house and move in. It's always been her dream. Now she's living it I call it the midlife simplicity program
Ronni_W Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Nah, I helped my wife buy a house and move in. Do you mean she lives separate from you, in a house for which she has sole title? Cos I know one other couple like that -- they couldn't find 'peace and harmony' living in the same house so they split households instead of getting a divorce. It worked excellently cos for each of them, somehow, it felt that they'd gotten rid of all the mundane, drag-me-down crap of their marriage...even though they knew, intellectually, that wasn't really the case. Smartwoman, there are hundreds of ways to make something work when you have the desire and motivation. No doubt your creative minds will help you arrive at the ideal solution for your unique circumstances and personalities. It's not the easiest way to go, but it CAN be done. Best of luck
carhill Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Do you mean she lives separate from you, in a house for which she has sole title? We have the ability to do that, yes. She owns it and is solely responsible for it. That said, such solutions are more a strategy to take advantage of current economic conditions rather than manage a broken relationship. If it doesn't work out, I would never stay married but live separately.
SoulSearch_CO Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 I lived with my XH for 10 months after we "separated" (different rooms/floor of the house) and filed for divorce. I got serious with a new guy January '09. I told him about the living arrangement and he was surprised at first, but said that we're all adults and must have it figured out. I was honest with him - I had absolutely zero interest in reconciling with my XH...we were getting to the point of not even being able to be friends. I just moved out to live with a friend of mine and her fiance. I must say that getting rid of that last hanging detail and the tension involved has been fantastic. It is MUCH easier dating somebody new if you are not buddies with your X. Amicable to each other, not fighting...but no need to hang out together at all. I'd avoid that like the plague, if I were you.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 Obviously, each set of circumstances is different, but isn't divorce about starting a new chapter and moving on with your life? I don't see how you do that living under the same roof and can see how, in most separations, it would harder on one spouse (who might still be vested in the marriage) than the other. Doesn't make sense to me... Mr. Lucky
carhill Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 IMO, it (living in the same domicile) would work best when both parties have emotionally detached and would otherwise make good roommates. My wife's and my housekeeping styles clash so, absent the compromises necessary in a healthy marriage, I would not want to live with her as a roommate, so we opted for a different solution. Other couples find their unique path. Also, living separately cut her commute by 30 minutes, so she's a happy camper. I don't mind commuting and my work scheduling is flexible so I can travel fewer days. For us, it was a compromise achieved in MC. It will be my last big compromise before D, if that is our path. For another couple, where their lifestyles were compatible but where they had lost their emotional bond for whatever reason, I can certainly see them living together while separated and even divorced, until financially one or both could move on. In this economy, one does not want to make rash financial decisions
Ronni_W Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 Mr. Lucky. It's so true that one spouse usually has an easier time of it. In my case, that was hindsight...my ex either didn't realize that he wasn't doing as well as he thought, or he put up a (very convincing) "brave front". At the same time, he did also benefit from our living arrangement right up until the point that he was finally ready to change it. In terms of moving forward, I did that through therapy, divorce support group, grief counseling, etc. -- all the usual stuff...which I would strongly urge all parties in a similar situation to seriously, seriously consider.
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