Blush Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 *DETAILED, AND A BIT LONG, BUT PLEASE READ, I REALLY NEED ADVICE"!! Okay so basically I have known this guy since elementary school (long time i know) and we have been dating on and off now for about a year. However, we have had feelings for eachother for about 6 years. We were eachothers crushes all throughout jr.high and then when highschool came we ended up going to seperate schools and didnt speak for about 1 year. After that year (on the 5th year) we started communicating again, and hanging out in groups with our friends (it was obvious the emotional connection was still there). However, we got into some dumb argument and stopped communicating for about 6 months. AFTER those 6 months, we met up at a house party one time, and INSTANTLY became inseperable (hanging out all the time etc.) and basically starting dating. Now as i stated earlier we have been dating for a year "on and off" which is basically due to CONSTANT fighting literally since 2 months into the relationship. Over this year we have had COUNTLESS arguements and broken up COUNTLESS times for 2 or 3 days at a time. This last year has been a ROLLERcoaster for the both of us, and there has been 2 accounts of infidelity on my part halfway into the year (both of which he is aware of and of course he was VERY hurt about) but we worked it out. We spent an amazing christmas together and ALL was well and merry until an INCREDIBLY sticky situation happened Jan 2009 of this new year, which i will write in its own paragraph since its sooo complicated. SO basically we went out to the club one evening in January with all our friends and I ended up drinking wayyy to much. Earlier in the evening he was trying to pull me away from my girls to be alone, but i refused becuase my friends get mad when i ditch them for him (obviously). So then he got upset becuase he thought i was "ignoring" him and he went home. Towards the end of the evening I found myself unbelievably drunk and sick and very ready to go home! SO i ventured out to find my bf since he was my ride home. In my search for him, I came across his bestfriend and I asked him where my bf was. He told me that my bf had gone home because he was upset with me, so then i got really frustrated because he was my ride home! not to mention i was SO hammered and was about to hurl! ANYWAYS his best friend promised to call him to come pick me up etc. so we walked over to grab our coats from coat check, during this process his bestfriend started trying to make out with me, and kiss me. In my completely drunk state, I did my best to fend him off and tell him that was completely out of line! (he basically got one small peck in, before i could get him off). To make a long story short my bf picked us BOTH up that night, and after we dropped his best friend off, I told him EVERYTHING that had happened. He said he believed me and what not, and we were fine that night. THE NEXT morning he told me he had heard different stories from his other buddies that had apparently "seen more" happen and he broke up with me. After that, we didnt speak for about two days, after which we communicated again and said he wanted to work things out. Since that situation, NOTHING has been the same in our relationship, it has been about a month and a few days since then, and he says he doesnt blame me for what happened, but that hes still angry even though it wasnt my fault. He acknowledges that his best friend took advangtage of me, and they are no longer friends, but he has changed completely. He subconciously does hurtful things towards me and it kind of feels like hes trying to get me back or something? Two weeks after that incident, he completely missed my birthday party and that hurt me, and then on my birthday he said really hurtful things on the phone to me and made me cry. He says he loves me alot and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, we just have "alot of things to sort through". However lately I'v been feeling so teared down by him emotionally, and I used to be a very confident person before all of this happened. I find myself hating him sometimes for hurting me pointlessly, however I still love him very much. Since that incident he plays several games with my head, like making me jealous out of the blue, saying mean jokes that put me down emotionally and other things. He NEVER used to be this way before. I myself have changed also as a result. I have become a bit disensitized and colder. It feels like we both have our gaurds up and our relationship is more of a battlefield then anything else. Right now he says he doesnt want to "date" and that we dont need a "title", however he still loves me and im the only girl he wants to be with. He says he just wants to be "half-dating" or "seeing eachother", basically acting like we are together without the title. This sort of bothers me. I'm so emotionally sick over this whole situation its unbearable. It seems hopeless like maybe its too late to salvage anything we ever had. We've both changed so much, and I feel like our feelings for eachother have been cut in half. It's so difficult for both of us to let go becuase we have known eachother half our lives, since we were kids. And have always talked about plans of getting married, and spending the rest of our lives together. However it feels as though this is a mountain we cannot climb, like this is one thing we cannot move past. I really dont know?? We are still fighting constantly, and everything seems hopeless right now. He has basically shut himself off emotionally, and HATES talking about anything to do with the problems in our relationship. He would rather just pretend like nothings going on. However I am hurting and its very difficult for me to shut my eyes to all the pain. He is the type of person that holds his feelings inside, but i know he is hurting too. What should i do?? Should I just move on? Cut the contact completely??(which will kill). Or What?? I'v come to my ropes end!! I cannot talk to him about ANYTHING that i feel or that bothers me AT ALL. There is NO TRUST and barely any respect between us. I'v resorted to writing everything on here because i am SO torn and don't know if this is worth working out, or just moving on!
confusedcookie Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 normally, i would have said to move on, but since you cheated on him twice before, and he still pulled through with you. i say to give him a chance and wait it out for a month or so. you cheated on him and he still trusted you. His best friend tried to make a move on you, which he befriended because of what you said, but it's his best friend, and i'm sure he trusts him very much. THerefore, he may also be doubting what you have said, especially when his other friends have told him other versions of the story. He is probably still with you b/c he still loves you, but he still probably hasn't forgiven you yet, therefore, he's angry with himself still being with you even though you hurt him, and he's angry at you b/c he doesn't know who to believe. two of his closest people to him, he's torn to whom he should believe.
Author Blush Posted March 4, 2009 Author Posted March 4, 2009 Thankyou! But what should I do about all the emotional distance I'v been feeling? And the way he subconciously puts me down and makes me jelous? I love him, but I cant take these things anymore !! I'm trying to hang in there, but I find myself keeping conversations short and simple, and we barely hang out anymore, its just so different now. I guess i'v been acting a little distant towards him lately but I dont know how else to act?!...im HURTING inside, and I cant even talk to him about! Thats my best way to cope right now is to act distant....incase he meets another girl etc. because our relationship is on SUCH thin ice right now! How do I deal with "hanging in there"??
LoveUrselfFirst Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Right now you are not ready to move on, but you need some space amongst each other. He is hurt and although I know you stated it wasn't your fault, it was his best friend, you cheated on him several times, and just think that if the tables were turned, would you want to automatically be back with your significant other. If he is willing to work with you than thats great, but you both have to take it REALLLLLL slow. He needs to regain your trust again, and although we as females are very emotional, guys are ten times emotional, but in there own way. Step back for a little bit....I mean you can talk on the phone but not an everyday convo because knowing you (well not really knowing you, but of our stronger emotions), you would probably apologize so many times and cry and you don't want him to see or hear you weak, because there is a thing called "karma" where he may use that against you in the future.
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