Elilmomma Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Hubby and I have not had sex in months and he won't even look at me, in the past he was the one complaining about no getting any. Hubby and I have been together for almost 12 years and we have 2 beautiful girls, 10 and a 1 year old. We both have done some terrible things to eachother and we started to get on the right track until last year when his mother died. He has legal custody of his brother and his neice, so we have 4 kids in our house. It's like he resents me cause his mother passed away, he told me I should have died instead of her. After I gave birth to our youngest daughter I went through PP,which he doesn' understand. I asked him if he still finds me attractive and he says yes, so I asked him why don't he want to have sex anymore and he says he is too stressed out over the bills, and he called me a selfish bitch for wanting to be with my hubby. I don't work I am a stay at home mom taking care of our 2 kids and his neice and brother. I am seriously thinking about getting a divorce, I want more than he is willing to give. Maybe our relationship has run it's course? I don't want to hurt my girls, but I don't want to stay in a love less marriage what can I do? He will never leave our apartment, and I have no money to leave and no where to go? I know me and my girls deserve way better. He doesn't spend anytime with me or the kids, I know he does love them. Please someone give me some advice? I tried to talk to him but all he does is curse at me and put me down, he makes me wish I was dead...
JackJack Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Key points here...... "HE TOLD ME I SHOULD HAVE DIED INSTEAD OF HIS MOTHER." "HE CALLED ME A SELFISH BITCH FOR WANTING TO BE WITH HIM." "HE DOESN'T SPEND ANY TIME WITH ME OR THE KIDS." "ALL HE DOES IS CURSE ME AND PUT ME DOWN." Remind me again WHY you are with him? Regardless of him hurting because his mother passed away, people just don't say the things he has said! You do NOT have to be his punching bag (so to speak) because of his unresolved issues or stress. My advice, get some type of job, some means on income for you and your kids. Something that is going to give you a feeling of self worth and a little independence. Staying in that mess just creates an environment for his kids to think this is acceptable bahavior. Of course its your choice on what to do. If he will not seek some kind of help, then you might need to move on. Another thing, it never hurts to seek out some kind of legal advice as well. Find out what your rights are if things were to come to an end and what you would need to do.
EnigmasMuse Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Has he always treated you this way and said these kinds of things...or was it just when his mother passed? Was he close to her? Maybe he had some unresolved issues with her. Anyway, that doesn't give him the right to say the thigns he is saying and treating you this way. Even though you might not have caused his behavior, as long as you stay in this situation, I think he will continue to act like this, because right now he has no other reason to try to change. You have to think about what is best for you and your kids. I'm sure its probably a mixture of resentments, anger, stress, etc. Do you think there might be someone else? I'm not saying there is, but do you think its possible that is part of his disconnect with you?
Author Elilmomma Posted March 6, 2009 Author Posted March 6, 2009 I wish that I knew what to do, we have had our share of problems in the past. He is always putting me down making me feel like ****, and after someone putting you down for so long you begin to believe it. Can I even get a divorce if I can't afford to pay for a lawyer? I don't want to be anyone's doormat anymore!! Maybe it's just the end for us?
JackJack Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 The only way you can stop being someone's door mat...is to longer allow it. Sometimes no longer allowing it, might mean you have to remove yourself from the situation. I understand what you're saying about you begin to believe things you have been told after so long...however, even though you might not have control over what comes out of his mouth, you do have control over how you react and what you believe. The longer you stay, the more he puts you down, the more your self esteem dwindles away to nothing, therefore his behavior will continue. Can you talk with family members and friends, to see if they can help you and your kids out right now?
Author Elilmomma Posted March 7, 2009 Author Posted March 7, 2009 I have nowhere to go I have talked to my family members, Not only is he disprespecting my but his little brother is as well, hubby's brother is 12 years old and his Mom passed away last May, so he lives with us and he yells at me calls me a bitch. Hubby does nothing about it he says I don't understand cause my mother is still alive I don't feel like a 12 year old should be disrespectful to any adult. I am the one that takes care of him as well as my 2 girls and his neice. How should I handle this situation? I am about to break. I can't take it anymore I won't be anyones doormat.
blair08 Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 I have nowhere to go I have talked to my family members, Not only is he disprespecting my but his little brother is as well, hubby's brother is 12 years old and his Mom passed away last May, so he lives with us and he yells at me calls me a bitch. Hubby does nothing about it he says I don't understand cause my mother is still alive I don't feel like a 12 year old should be disrespectful to any adult. I am the one that takes care of him as well as my 2 girls and his neice. How should I handle this situation? I am about to break. I can't take it anymore I won't be anyones doormat. I don't know what to tell you, other than get out of the situation, unless you want to continue to be treated that way. Its mental/emotional abuse.
LovieDove24 Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 Women who are in abusive relationships often stay with their partner for several reasons despite all the logical arguments in the world. The driving force behind this is that, over time, the abuser has set such rigid rules in place that the woman feels completely and utterly powerless inside and out. The first rule set in place by the abuser is to erode the partners self esteem so certainly over time that she is no longer able to think logically. She truly believes she does not deserve anything better. The Second set of rules put in place by the abuser is to isolate his victim enough so that she has no resources for an "out" and so her support system of family and friends is eroded. Lastly, the abuser makes threats to maintain a sense of fear in their partner that things will only get WORSE if they leave. It makes the woman feel as if "putting up" with things at status quo is FAR better than anything else. Elilmomma, what you need to remember is that God put you on this earth with a reason and a plan. Truly, every humans divine right is to be happy. Possibly joining a church could be a good place to start to gaining a support system. You are going to need exactly that in order to successfully get out of this verbally abusive relationship.
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