Strawberry Fields Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 I have this horrible habit of being insecure about myself. I love my boyfriend very much but I always seem to bring up issues that are completely irrelevant and stupid. Sometimes I feel like he's going to find another girl and leave me, that he's talking to another girl behind my back, or that he WANTS to talk to another girl behind my back, and that his friends talk crap about me. For example, the other day one of his friends was showing him pictures of a girl he's dating. I got infuriated because I put this image in my head that my boyfriend was attracted to her and thought more of her than me. I even yelled at him about it, accusing him of calling her something inappropriate, when I had absolutely no proof. I swear I sound like a psycho explaining all of this, haha, but I swear I'm not always like this. I do feel like some kind of paranoid loser though. I'm always dragging myself down by provoking fights about the dumbest things, whether it's based on jealousy or insecurities... or both. Some days, or most days, I'm completely normal and fine. I'll be content with our relationship, as well as optimistic and confident about myself. But it's almost as if every full moon I just turn into this huge raging jealous/insecure/angry mess of a person. I'm sick of being like this. I hate how I always have to turn around and apologize for everything, when a few weeks later I do it all over again. I have been trying very hard to improve and hold back my negative emotions but sometimes they flare up so often I don't even realize I'm doing anything wrong. My boyfriend is a saint for putting up with me and these horrible spurts all the time, especially since it's been almost 2 years now. I know he loves me and I love him but I really need to cut the crap. I am way too old to be dealing with these immature emotions and in order to move on in our relationship I have to cut the crap. Any advice? Maybe I'm dealing with something more deep than jealousy/insecuritiy issues? Thanks in advance.
Nicodaemos Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 hmm, sometimes i would get real worried about things as well. Not everyone is the same, so the same technique wont work for everyone. I would usually let myself go through entire events in my head. then when it was done, i would say to myself, see it? done now? yea, ok. Now put it away and move on. I dont know if it would work for you, especially if you jealousy is that deep rooted. Maybe warn him first, tell him you want to try something next time you start to get that way. just stop, go through it, and when its over, in your head, its not happening in you head. Put it away, and go on. If you do though, warn him first that you are going to do so. The other way, is just when he says nothing is wrong, just choose to believe him. say to yourself, he said its nothing, its nothing. say it, think it, choose to believe it. and do so. trust, believe. the alternative, you already know well. Maybe do some of your own research online about it. check forums like these, and others. Talk to others, and him, about it. If it seems like it really is a serious issue, mayhaps you should seriously think about assistance with it. I wish you well, been there, and now, she says what it it, and i belive it. even after being betrayed and lied to for over a year by my past relationship.
Waitress Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 I understand! Been there myself. I had to make myself stop taking out my insecurities on guys. Let yourself feel what you need to feel but don't tell him. You're testing him and it's going to end up a self-fulfilling prophecy. Do whatever you have to do to make yourself not respond to the feelings. Make a plan of "attack" ahead of time before something happens.
harmonious Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 I have the same feelings sometimes. I noticed over the years and through many experiences that these feelings were there for a reason - but not the one you might think. They're pointing you to something, feelings are always pointers, or signposts, if you wll, to something your body, spirit, heart, is trying to tell you. Something "the universe" wants you to learn. For me this was that I needed to work on raising my self-esteem, to really believe that I am worthy of love. I still struggle with this, because I'm basically rebuilding the faulty foundation of my childhood (with no blueprint) In my current relationship, the jealous feelings were triggered by things that I couldn't justify as reasons to be jealous - meaning there was no real threat to my relationship. at all. My broken sense of self led me to believe that any female, even one from his distant past who he had no emotional investment in, could be a threat to my security with him. I had to look at that and wonder why I was torturing myself. There was absolutely no basis for jealosy. It was all invented in my mind. Don't mean to go on so long about myself here. This is just to illustrate a few of my thoughts about your situation. A few things: -If he is giving you good reason to experience jealousy, then he needs to be involved in the discvery and elimination of these things. If this is the case I would ask him nicely if he would be interested in limiting the behaviors he sometimes does that make you feel jealous, although I would only do this if you deem that his behavior has been inappropriate. -As I wrote above, if you can identify the causes for the jealous feelings, and they are in fact erroneous, i.e. he is not behaving inappropriately, then look inside and find out what your heart is telling you - what you might want to discover about yourself. This can be seen as nothing more than an opportunity to learn something about yourself - and from that, to grow. Also, from your citing the full moon and describing the cyclical quality of your jealous feelings - made me think about another thing I struggle with that you may or may not relate to. Namely, pms (I don't capitalize it purposely). When mine kicks in I watch all my resolve, all my reasonability, even all my joyous feelings and thoughts fly out of the room. It has a great impact on my outlook because it intensifies feelings of inadequacy, insecurity, anger, fear - all the negative emotions come to think of it. And it doesn't intensify the positive good feelings. Just something to be aware of. I think of it as an outside influence (in that I don't have that much control over it), and that helps me not beat myself up too much if I let it take me over at times and say things I regret. But mostly I just withdraw into my own world as a form of damage control, which is not the answer but it's all I can think of for now. I don't know if this is something you're struggling with just thought I'd mention it in case you were.
SoulSearch_CO Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Maybe it would help you to sit down and "journal" your feelings. You could do it in letter form as if you're writing to him - telling him every awful and terrible thing you suspect he's doing/thinking/saying. Re-read it a couple times, then shelf it. Put it away for a couple days. When you pull it down to re-read it, you may get some perspective on yourself. But at least in writing form like that, you will get to remember more of the thoughts you were having. Because I know for me, whenever I was upset with my XH, I'd say a lot of things, but only remember like half of them. If it would serve you, after reading that letter (and as long as you have come to your senses by that point), you could write a new letter -thanking your BF for every good thing he does/says for you. THAT would be the letter to give him. Burn the other one.
jadelil25 Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 I understand how you feel and many of us have been there. I have found that the following as helped and normally helps others: You firstly need to take a minute out, relax and breathe. Second thing - learn to concentrate on the positives and not the negatives. Dont worry about the bad things and enjoy the good things that happen. There is normally more postives than negatives. Third - rememember if he did not want to be with you then he probably wouldnt be, he would have moved on by now and cut off any contact which you have with each other. Fourth - Take things as they come and enjoy life. Dont put any pressure on things and let nature take it's course. If you put pressure on things it makes things worse and makes things seem bigger than they are. Just have fun with him and enjoy your time together. Show him how fun you are and how much you care. Show him the reason why he got with you in the first place. Fifth - Get your self a hobby, join the gym or a club and go out and have fun with your frinds. Go out shopping, for a meal/drink, go to the cinema and do anything with them which will take your mind off things. Sixth - Cut back on communication when you are not together. There is no harm with txting or calling once or twice a day but dont over do it and dont worry if he has not got back to. He could be busy or not heard his phone it is nothing that you have done and he will get back to you when he can. Also remember men dont like as much communication as women, they are not as open on how they feel and dont feel a need to always reply straight away. It could also help to talk to someone professional to help you get over your insecurities. If he loves you and cares about you which im sure he does then he will understand but you do need to help your self as well before you end up having the chance of pushing him away. And one other thing has he given you a reason to make you jealous or make you think that he is cheating. If he has not then there is no reason to worry. Also remember trust is important in a relationship and if you do not have it then the relationship will not work. I hope what I have said helps. Im sure you will be fine. You just need to relax, enjoy life, have fun and take things as they come.
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