is it okay that his family is more important than you?

[confusedcookie]

I'm wondering if i'm being too controlling or if i have a right to be upset.

 

he is an international student in canada but from China. I went back to see his family for the first time in december for a month with him. we live together in canada, but the living arrangements in China was that i was going to live with his sister and brother in one house, while he was going to stay with his parents, because we were scared his parents were to conservative to understand "sleeping together before marriage"

 

on the second day there, i had dinner with his family and then after dinner he said he was going to go play "4 person poker" with his friends and left me with his mother so she could drive me home. i spend the night in the room feeling lonely and abandoned.

 

we would go out to go to night market or dinner and then plan to watch a movie, but if his dad calls and tells him to come home because we haven't spend enough time with his grandparents, he would immediately agree with his dad without discussing it with me.

 

he left me with his mother and chatted for 4 hours because i was waiting for him while he played "4 person poker" (my 5th day there). i played one hand for him while he was eating, and his friend told my bf that , "it's okay, we'll wait for you to finish eating before we play again". i felt so humiliated, because it sounded like i was such a horrible player, but my bf never defended me or said anything.

 

i have fights with him because i've never been to china and i wanted to sightsee, and granted, he brings me to all the places i request (i made a checklist), but he i expected him to actively suggest places that i would like and take me there.

 

i see his parents at least 1-2 hours everyday, except for 6 days when we took a driving trip. he said that i should understand that he is in china to visit is friends and family and not to sightsee. i beg him to come over to sleep with me (his parents are totally fine with it), and he agrees but always after "okay, but i have to sleep back at my parent's house tmr." i feel like i have to beg him to be with me, and that he doesn't want to sleep over with me =(

 

he says that he only comes home for 1 month a year, and that he has 11 months with me; therefore, i should be more understanding. he also says that his parents already think that he spends a lot of time with me, and not enough time with them. when we go to his parents' house, he doesn't facilitate my conversations with his parents (i speak broken mandarin), he just wanders off to hang out with his other cousins, and i feel really uncomfortable.

 

i feel like i'm not important, he leaves me with his sister or mom to babysit me (i would try to be independent, but i can't read chinese, and you need a car to go anywhere) while he goes to play 4 person poker. new years eve consisted of him playing his poker, and me hanging around all these people i didn't know, and i didn't even spend the countdown with him. i told him there was 3 minutes before 12am, and he said "okay", it wasn't until his sister told him i was upset that he stopped playing to join the countdown, by that time, it was already 12:01am and the fireworks were going off. granted, i could have been like his friend's gf, and just sat in the room waiting for him to play, but i didn't want to see so needy and dependent, but then again, he's from china, maybe he needs me to give him face and to sit there and wait for him????

 

do you think his behaviour is acceptable and that i'm too controlling, and i should give him more face, or do you think i have a right to be upset and that i should question his love and commitment to me? i've gone out with him for 1 year and 2 months, but we've been living together about one year and he talks about wanting to marry me.

 

he feels pressured and stressed out between me and his parents, and i just feel like his actions tells me he doesn't love me while he says he does.

[Ria10]

I dated a Chinese guy and had similar problems in that his parents controlled him like a puppet on a string. I think your bf's actions show his loyalty to his culture, not that he doesn't love you. In his culture his parents and grandparents are "supposed" to be his first priority, so he will always love them more than you. In my case I couldn't handle it. I was hoping that he would change but he didn't. Is your guy likely to change? Probably not. You have to decide for yourself how you feel about this situation in the long term, and whether the other 11 months are enough to balance out this month.

[popey]

I personally would not be ok w/ what you experience. I would expect that the one month that you are w/ his family, some changes w/ emphases on his family relationship would take precident. I would not however find it reasonable for this to mean that I have to cease to matter. It definitely does sound like it could be a culture/family issue, and these are the toughest sometimes, b/c they can be really deap and even unconscious. I think you need to talk about it in terms of how it made you feel, and gauge how responsive he is.

[allina]

Are you also Chinese?

 

I understand that this is hard for you but you have to understand that with him living in Canada and his family being in China this is precious time for him and his family. You live with him back home, but his friends and family in China, who have been in his life since he was born rarely get to see him. Maybe he isn't handling things perfectly, but if he's a wonderful, loving bf in all other ways I would be patient and make the best of the situation.

 

I think that family dynamics vary from family to family, this is especially clear when you get different cultures involved. And I was pretty serious w/ a Chinese guy in my past and though his mom spoiled him rotten, I don't think what you're goiong through is a "Chinese thing."

[confusedcookie]

i'm also chinese, but that being said i grew up in canada and while i love my family, i'm not a "family girl". i also believe that if i guy is great to his family that he should be a great bf b/c one day if you become family he would treat you great too.

 

but, that being said, i feel like my bf should understand that being loyal and close to your family is great, but one day, you'll have your own family and since he's already 26, i feel he should have his own life.

 

i feel that his mom is really understanding and says, "if you guys are busy, you don't have to come to dinner", but it's my bf that insists that we have to!

 

also, after he finishes school, he will move back, so i'm deciding if i want to put up with this and go with him. i really love him, but i don't know about the family issues, and if i can take it.

 

also, when i told him, he said i should be more understanding and that he feels torn between me and his parents and family. his family believes that he treats me a little too well, and that i'm spoiled. He's apologize for the behavior, but i don't find it truly sincere and when we have fights, he lets it slips that he feels that "how come he's the only that has to change" and i feel that to him, i over dramatized all these issues and made his vacation unpleasant.

[jadelil25]

Family should always come first no matter what. They are the ones that are always there for you and love and provide for you. When in a relationship with someone you need to understand that they are going to put your family first. I always do it and understand when my partners have done to. I would not expect anything less.

 

I think that it is a fault on both your sides. I understand that he has not seen them for a while so he wanted time with them but if his plans was just to be with them and not you then he should not have invited you to come along. He also should have worked the time fairly. I dont see why he could not have had some time for you every day.

 

I also think you need to understand it from his point of view aswell. Understand that he has not seen them for a long time and understand his culture and needs.

 

Im sure that you can work through this and just understand that family should come first.

[2sure]

He explained it well and clear to you when he said he sees his famly, who he is close to, only one month out of 12. He sees you for the other 11 months, and now all 12 since you are with him in China.

 

Its a month. His family and not you are, for one month, his priority. If you marry or even become engaged possibly this would change because he would be comfortable with you staying with him and you would know everyone better.

 

Its 30 days out of a year, one month out of a possible lifetime.