geoman Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 I am deep in a relationship with a girl that I Love and adore to the ends of the world, we met on a dating site 6 months ago, and have got on so much we are now living together on the 3rd month, I know! all very soon but it made sense as we are always together. She is 26 and I 31, and when we first met I was very unsure about the relationship but was very patient and it has now bloomed. The trouble is she has a very low sex drive and I think, I know why! we have sex about once maybe twice a week I always have to get the ball rolling but after lots of affection we both enyoy it. Now I usually feel the need for a bit more and on many occasions she has refused and I accept of course!! I have confronted her about it and she said it's because she is tired and some nights does not want the hassle of a shower in the morning. The problem, is I don't think it is that because early in the relationship one day she left her laptop and email account open and I know this was wrong but could not help having a peak and I could not believe what I read "she was raped about 3 years ago" this email was sent to her friend explaining she had acute stress sydrome and was triggered of by this incident, also the email said she chose self therepy and not to confess to the police because she did not want to "become that girl" understandable because she has lot's of friends and it would be very difficult. That is all I know, this was a big discovery and I was very unsure what to do but because we were in love. I decided to turn a blind eye to it and carry on but now I think it could bring problems and be a reason why she has low sex drive. I want to keep things going but feel like it will become even more difficult further down the line. Is this really the problem? and if so will how will it affect our relationship? what shall I do?
Ronni_W Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 It is impossible to say if that is the reason for her disinterest in more-frequent sex -- only she knows the full extent of what is going on for her. But. It is quite possible that it is, at very least, contributing. The only thing that came to mind is to suggest that you to call a rape crisis centre (discreetly, from work), tell them what and how you found out, and ask them how you may best be able to do to support her. They'll also be able to suggest books and websites that can help you understand her traumatic experience and what you can do to help her rebuild trust and self-esteem. Again, and subject to the advice you get, do be careful for her to not find out that you found out. It doesn't feel like a good idea to try to "help" her, without first getting some proper professional advice on what could actually prove helpful. No matter how highly-intentioned, clumsy attempts could be even more more harmful to her. If it is recommended that you not approach her at all, you may end up needing some type of formal support to help you deal with your knowing, your feelings of compassion and wanting to help, and yet being unable to do anything. I do know what you meant, but it ought not be "understandable" that a rape survivor needs to feel ashamed or guilty or "tainted". It was NOT her fault and she did NOT deserve to be raped. She was the victim of a criminal offence. She is not "damaged goods" and she does not need to hide from her friends and loved ones, as if she did something wrong. I know that's what she chose to do and, from that perspective, it is fine that she chose it -- we have to respect her choice. But to say we "understand" it, is to reveal our own misguided beliefs that victims of crimes are somehow responsible for those crimes being committed against them. The victims will continue to feel ashamed and guilty until we, collectively, learn to help them realize that we will not judge them for what has happened to them, against their will, without their permission. Okay. So. (Possibly) that was your first lesson as the partner of someone who has survived sexual trauma . Lots more lessons...with which I'm sure the rape crisis centre will be able to help. Best of luck. I am holding her in my prayers, and hoping that she will soon find relief and healing.
Green Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 shame on you for sneaking a peak at your gf's email! Look who knows why her sex drive is low... if this happened recently it could very well be this... just come clean about what you did it might be a relief for her to know that you know and then help her so she can get some professional help if she choses like a counsler or group or something
JamesM Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 You are still dating and in the honeymoon phase. If she has a low libido now, then my guess is that it will not get better. If she is not getting counseling for the rape, then it will only get worse. Trust me...five years from now, it can only get worse...unless she has resolved the issue, and even then it will come back to haunt her at different times. You have a choice and a question to answer...if she always has this low libido, will you always want to stay with her? Think long and hard on this. It is easy to say that you will love her no matter what, but when you have passed this lovestruck stage, your response may be more realistic. I say this kindly. Having a wife with sexual abuse in the past, I know what I am saying.
Green Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 You are still dating and in the honeymoon phase. If she has a low libido now, then my guess is that it will not get better. If she is not getting counseling for the rape, then it will only get worse. Trust me...five years from now, it can only get worse...unless she has resolved the issue, and even then it will come back to haunt her at different times. You have a choice and a question to answer...if she always has this low libido, will you always want to stay with her? Think long and hard on this. It is easy to say that you will love her no matter what, but when you have passed this lovestruck stage, your response may be more realistic. I say this kindly. Having a wife with sexual abuse in the past, I know what I am saying. It might get worse very likely posibility and there are actualy guys out there who really need barely any sex at all so maybe you should find a more compatible girl and have one of those sex once or more a day honey moon periods
Recommended Posts