neveragain2493 Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 I'm not sure who to blame: me, the guy, or his ex. I have known this guy for years, and his girlfriend/ex broke us apart for a year or two. Weeks ago, they broke up. He and I have been talking a lot last week, and he asked me out on a date Friday. On Thursday, we went out on a school outing, and she was all over him. He had me sit by him at lunch and mentioned what an annoyance she had been. She was furious. Friday night, we went out and had an amazing time. He opened doors for me, held the umbrella, paid for food. He told me he was always intimidated by me, and that I was the best friend he's probably ever had. He kept telling me I looked nice the whole night, but then he told me 'I should have told you you looked beautiful'. We kissed and made out, and he said he wished he could've kept me there all night. When he dropped me off, he walked me to the door and kissed me on the forehead. He told me 'You are not a friend on the side, you are the main thing. Can you not tell by the way I look at you?'. However, the ex found out.. Yesterday, he didn't call or text the whole day. I tried to call him at 1 PM, and he didn't get back to me until 9 PM. I asked if he was back with her, and he never answered. I finally said, 'I'm not stupid. She has made it clear what's going on. After you said you would not hurt me, you did. Thank you, and thank you for not telling me to my face. You said I was the best friend you ever had, and now you've thrown it all away. You gave up someone who'd give you everything for someone who is obviously just trying to spite me. So just remember as I sit here and bawl my eyes out that I'm sorry I wasn't enough for you.' He got back and said, 'I'm not trying to do anything! I wouldn't hurt you! I'm trying to help her, so please don't cry!'. Keep in mind his ex is a bipolar borderline [literally diagnosed]. I said, 'Help her by getting back with her and hurting me? It's too late for crying, I'll probably cry myself to sleep. Be content with that.' He has not said anything else today when I saw him. He went about his day like he was fine and hung out with his ex, but he would not talk to me or look me in the eye. Guilt? I am beside myself. Why would someone say such things and then turn around in an instant and hurt you? Also, keep in mind the ex does this to him and then turns around and leaves him when a new guy comes. She has told her best friends she doesn't like him, and only is with him for the sake of being in a relationship.
Geishawhelk Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Leave him be. He is permitting a weak and damaged person to yank his chain and control his emotions. Because he himself is damaged and weak. He feels sorry for her and beholden to her. If he makes the choice of permitting her to influence him so completely (and it IS a choice he's made) then I see little point in your wanting to be connected to someone as capable of being manipulated as he is. Find a guy with balls and a spine. Leave them to it. So far, they seem to deserve each other. And no. It's not your fault.
SoulSearch_CO Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Geisha is wise - I agree with everything she said. He sounds like a real winner. I hope by the time he finds his ball sack you've moved on so he can't manipulate you back into his arms. What a jerk.
jadelil25 Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 The best thing you can do is leave him to get on with it and move on. He is clearly not worth the effort and you have done everything which you can. If he can not see what she is like and keeps going back to her then he will always do it until he wakes up and see's what is happening. That will be way to late. If he cared about you and respected you then he would not ignore you and would not go running back to her. It is not your fault, you have done everything you can for him as a friend. I know it is hard when you care about someone but you are better off with out him. There are plenty more nice guys out there, ones that will want to be with you and treat you with the respect that you deserve. Just go out and have fun with your friends, join the gym, keep your self busy and take your mind off him and when you least expect it you will meet someone. Unfortunatley also when you get involved with friends it can complicate things. You are clearly a nice person and can do so much better. Just be strong you can do it.
Mahatma Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 The guy sounds pretty low to me. He might have qualities you like, but he is clearly weak.
Author neveragain2493 Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 This is what everyone has told me, so thanks for the input. I have been trying to occupy myself. His girlfriend sent me a message the other night asking if we went out, and if he kissed me. I told her to discuss that with him, but 'Good luck, because I never got an explanation about you and him.' She said he would not tell her, and I told her just to be content that they worked out. As I ignore her, she continues to beg me to tell her what happened between him and me. I sent him a message and said, 'Perhaps you'd like to enlighten _____ about what happened between us. I told her to be happy you two worked out, but she won't leave me alone. Don't worry about how I feel.' He said, 'Are you crazy? What is wrong with you! We haven't worked anything out!' I said, 'She says you two are and talks about you two as a couple.. Is she lying?' He said, 'Yes! But you two can go at it all you want! My life is spiraling out of control. My grandma's about to die, and my best friend got caught smoking pot. I'm your friend no matter what.' So I just said, 'She is the one asking. I'm sorry about that, so if you want to talk, then fine.' He replied, 'I will.', and that was that. Despite his saying 'they haven't worked anything out', they are always together as a couple would be. When a friend asked him about our hanging out, he claimed it never happened. I'm sure he is lying to me, yet he is too scared to tell the truth to my face. People have proposed such things as 'Maybe she's threatened to commit suicide'... As sad as it sounds, it's quite possible.
Nicodaemos Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 I have a desire to help someone. even after they have hurt me greatly. It is not your fault, not even close, you are just a victim of circumstance. He may be wanting, and needing a friend badly. He may be needing your support through the hard times. but that is entirely your choice. If you do decide to stay around and help him, keep yourself on guard. He wants you it sounds, but is too weak to resist the other woman. You can walk away from all of it without any regret.
Geishawhelk Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 This is what everyone has told me, so thanks for the input. (...) 'Are you crazy? What is wrong with you! We haven't worked anything out!' (...)He said, 'Yes! But you two can go at it all you want! My life is spiraling out of control. My grandma's about to die, and my best friend got caught smoking pot. I'm your friend no matter what.' Never, please put him on complete No Contact. You really don't need this kind of aggro. What he's saying is: "My life is spiralling out of control. My Grandma is dying (we all do, you know, so he's not alone there). My best friend got caught smoking pot. Add in: I have a whackjob psychotic ex- who is controlling my life because I let her. I am a liar, spineless and completely weak wimp. I'm your friend no matter what". And this all means: "I expect you to handle all this and be my GF and be there for me to support me unfailingly and unquestioningly, whilst I carry on with all of the above." Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction, and go No Contact. 100% Both ways. Do not answer the 'phone to her, and delete her messages. Do not let these people control your life. YOU are in charge of that, not them. Let them screw themselves into the ground in their own personal spiral. Head for the hills!!
Author neveragain2493 Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 Thanks for the input! But, seriously.. Now that they are together again, I want to badly to tell her what happened, everything he told me. And as bad as this sounds, basically just to make her angry. Should I?
Geishawhelk Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 I could see why you'd be tempted - goodness, I can, truly... But in the end, you never know how people will react, and which way their loose cannon would be pointing... Ask yourself what your motivation is, and what you'd achieve. Yup, you might well succeed in making hjer angry - but with whom? Would she think: "Hey, neveragain is a cool gal, and she's so sensible, I'm really glad she's told me all this!" D'ya think.....?? She's warped enough as she is..... Your biggest and best 'revenge' will be to live well, live happily, and grow out of this. Let them see how much calmer and serene you are without all this crap to pull you down like emotional quicksand......
Author neveragain2493 Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 BIGBIGBIG update... I've been sick, but over the weekend, I went out of town. I got a message Friday night from him, and it said, 'I heard you were sick. I'm sorry. I hope you feel better.' I messaged back Saturday, 'I am sick, but I had to go out of town anyways. Thanks for caring somewhat about me.' He said, 'Well, I figured I could talk to you now. I do care about you. And if you think I'm dating _____, you are very wrong.' I said, 'I deserve an explanation, so it's about time I got one.' He said, 'Right now, I'm sick too. I've been busy. And I've been trying to get _____ to see a shrink. I think she is. She needs help. She is bipolar and suicidal. I haven't been kissing her and haven't really even been hanging out with her. Today she said she wanted to be single, so I said go on ahead. I don't care for her, but I care enough to not want her to die.' When I said 'So now you want to talk since she wants to be single?', he said 'I sent that message on Friday, but you didn't get back to me until today. I don't mean to hurt you on purpose. I'm sorry.' I had said her acting suicidal was a possibility. He said he did not explain to me before because since I acted so angry with him and wouldn't speak to him, he figured I didn't want an explanation. After some talking, he told me he was thinking about me and began to flirt with me again. No clue what he wants, means, or where to go from here.
SoulSearch_CO Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I really don't understand why women tolerate such sub-standard treatment from guys. Why is it better in some women's minds to be treated like crap than to be alone? I've never understood that. He DITCHED YOU without explanation to go play babysitter to his ex-girlfriend. While I can understand being a good friend, he could have at least had half a bit of decency to do the same for you. It wouldn't have hurt him to explain to you what was going on. But it seemed he was deadset on doing what he wanted to do, when he wanted to do it. And when something like this comes up again? Just be prepared to be dumped again. He's a winner for sure.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Is it just me, or is everyone being diagnosed bipolar these days?
Author neveragain2493 Posted March 25, 2009 Author Posted March 25, 2009 Yes, but this one's real. Never mind on what to do. After a couple of days, I saw them back together again. What's funny is, on the same day, I got a message from her ex-best friend saying, "Me and ____ had a huge fallout. I finally realized what a liar she is and how crazy she is.." She must not have any friends now.. poor thing. And I'm sure once she's done with him as a prom date after next week, he'll come back. Am I right? No hopes up here. I dread knowing he'll probably come back to talk to me..
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