broke one Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Well like many have said, I cant believe this would ever happen to me. I have a little unique situation (i think) that I need some help with. I recently got married to a woman whom I have been with for 9 years.. 9 years is a long time to wait to get married but I wanted to be sure that she was the one. So I went for it. We were married 3 times which I will explain briefly to you. Our first wedding was just a small legal cerimony which actually binds us legally. We had to do this as we were getting married abroad. This happend on Aug 4th 2008. Our symbolic wedding was on Dec 27 2008 and the final one was Jan 8 2009. We had 2 of them for family reasons in 2 seperate countries...Hence the 3 weddings. Well here is what happend.. Just 5 days after our wedding on Aug 4th she went to Italy to dance with her dance group. This is where she became close to one of the members whome I knew.. She came back at the end of the month and was extremely distant with me.. It wasnt much after, she took the plunge and cheated on me with this guy. This continued on for months while she planned our weddings in Asia and she even had him part of the bridal showers, staggettes, etc. After she came home from Asia, (we took seperate flights) he picked her up from the airport and she was late 1 hour to pick me up the same day as she was with him. I found out she spent the first half of Valentines day with him while I was waiting at home for her as I thought she was at a dance performance. I had my suspissions that she was cheating on me but i only really pressed to find out this past week. She broke down and told me about it 3 days ago. I am crushed as we have had a long history together and we are only just Newlyweds. She says that she wants to work it out with me. She wants to be with me, but how the hell do I go on knowing that she was screwing this guy pretty much the whole time we have been married? I am broken. I have too many questions. Why did she go ahead with these weddings while she had his other guy she was cheating on me with? Like I said, this is a weird situation and if we hadnt married eachother I would have walked, but I decided to stick with her through thick and thin. For better or for worse. But ive been trampled all over here and I dont even know how I can function. Please help me! I am a wreck right now.
LakesideDream Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Annullment in your home country, then run like your hair is on fire and your headed for the swimming pool.
Mr. Lucky Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 She says that she wants to work it out with me. She wants to be with me While you are newlyweds in name only (a 9 year engagement? Wow!), that means you are also entitled to an annulment. You have married under fraudulent circumstances to someone who never intended to be faithful to you. I'm sure it's hard to accept, but time to go. You'll need a lawyer to protect your assets and future. Keep us posted... Mr. Lucky
clv0116 Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 You've been played. May I ask what country your wife is from?
troubadour Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Broke one... it is never going to work. It is clear that her romantic interest is somewhere else... just cut her off immediately.
In Like Flynn Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 First you should divorce her and run for the hills, but it sounds like you won't do that so has she told you the entire story of the affair? I mean all the gory details to include when the times and locations of when they had sex, so you can backtrack and try and remember where you were at the time and where she told you she would be. I found it important to know where and when for me to allow me to track what lies she made to cover her tracks. You need to know it all!!!!!! The why's, how many times, what acts performed etc. P.S. If you really want to repair/recover this marriage I suggest Marriagebuilders.com. That said this was very blatant cheating before, during, and after you marriage all the while planning them!!!
desertmoon Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 You've been played. May I ask what country your wife is from? May I ask why you need to know? Do you think that would factor in why she cheated?
clv0116 Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 May I ask why you need to know? Do you think that would factor in why she cheated? Well I've nailed a lot of Asian dancers lately, I was wondering if I knew his wife .... I'm just curious, a lot of Asia is very poor and I'm wondering how well he has evaluated his wifes feelings.
jnj express Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 like everyone else has said----get an anulment and get away from her as fast as you can, but i would ask her Why she did this, Why she would throw away a 9 yr. relationship. You will never be able to trust her, You will always doubt her, and because of her timing, you will always think of your marriages, and honeymoon as a big farce. Just leave her, if she will do this to you now, she will do it again. This is the wonderful passionate time for a mge., and she has blown that up.
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 RUN FORREST RUN!!! im serious your already married and she's already screwing around? Do you want to be her punching bag forever? screw that, take care of you!!!!
mark982 Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 get divorced, annulment whatever you have to do . but leave. suprise her after her next flight, when she return have server hand her papers as she gets off the plane.
Geishawhelk Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Stay with her, love her til the day you die and raise a family. Actually, no. I'm kidding. It's just that everyone is saying the same thing, I thought I'd just quip in with something different. I'm astonished that you even need to ask what to do....!! Of course you dimp her!! Get an annulment and get rid of her right away!!
seibert253 Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Wow. She was screwing another guy before, during, and after your weddings. And spent half of Valentines Day with him, while you're waiting at home for her. This after a 9 year relationship with you. Man this isn't a hard one. Send her packing. Help her pack if need be. It's the hardest thing you'll ever do, but you'll be better in the long run. I think if you do a little digging you'll find she wasn't exactly faithful during your 9 years together prior to getting married. By by baby, by by!
AnthonyF Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Well like many have said, I cant believe this would ever happen to me. I have a little unique situation (i think) that I need some help with. I recently got married to a woman whom I have been with for 9 years.. 9 years is a long time to wait to get married but I wanted to be sure that she was the one. So I went for it. We were married 3 times which I will explain briefly to you. Our first wedding was just a small legal cerimony which actually binds us legally. We had to do this as we were getting married abroad. This happend on Aug 4th 2008. Our symbolic wedding was on Dec 27 2008 and the final one was Jan 8 2009. We had 2 of them for family reasons in 2 seperate countries...Hence the 3 weddings. Well here is what happend.. Just 5 days after our wedding on Aug 4th she went to Italy to dance with her dance group. This is where she became close to one of the members whome I knew.. She came back at the end of the month and was extremely distant with me.. It wasnt much after, she took the plunge and cheated on me with this guy. This continued on for months while she planned our weddings in Asia and she even had him part of the bridal showers, staggettes, etc. After she came home from Asia, (we took seperate flights) he picked her up from the airport and she was late 1 hour to pick me up the same day as she was with him. I found out she spent the first half of Valentines day with him while I was waiting at home for her as I thought she was at a dance performance. I had my suspissions that she was cheating on me but i only really pressed to find out this past week. She broke down and told me about it 3 days ago. I am crushed as we have had a long history together and we are only just Newlyweds. She says that she wants to work it out with me. She wants to be with me, but how the hell do I go on knowing that she was screwing this guy pretty much the whole time we have been married? I am broken. I have too many questions. Why did she go ahead with these weddings while she had his other guy she was cheating on me with? Like I said, this is a weird situation and if we hadnt married eachother I would have walked, but I decided to stick with her through thick and thin. For better or for worse. But ive been trampled all over here and I dont even know how I can function. Please help me! I am a wreck right now. The prior responses are blunt, but probably right on.... However I hate to say but some people get caught up in the wedding, the planning and the day, so it is not unexpected that she wanted to go through with it, and sorry to say especially after 9 years. Now a little analysis on some of what you wrote. While I say it is over, you need to look at your actions and what you said in the first paragraph about waiting 9 years to make sure it was right and that "you went for it".... That I hate to say is quite the statement. Why did you wait so long? Why did it take 9 years to make sure she was the "one"? What issues did you have that took 9 years to figure out? There are also a few gaps and questions to answer, as in whether she was your first or vice versa? How old you are? Did you live together? I am sure there are a number of things that led to this and I am very sorry. If you do stay together, there will need to be significant counselling (individual and joint), she will need to quit her dance troupe, cut off all communication with the other guy, probably get a job that does not include travel..... Can't even begin to think how trust can be restored, but if that is what you want it will be a very long road ahead.
Geishawhelk Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 (Did I say 'dimp'...? I meant of course, demp.)
2sure Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 I was a newly wed when I discovered my H cheated on me. I'm glad I stayed with the marriage now, but if I had not had my daughter - I would have demped him. If you choose to stay, or are considering it - there are many steps and specific things you both need to do. Keep reading here, and do some research - to find out what you are up against, and come to a decision over what kind of end result you want.
Author broke one Posted March 4, 2009 Author Posted March 4, 2009 Thank you all for the replys.. There is obviously a majority that says to leave the girl.. I would but there are many factors invovled. We were together for 9 years and obviously that is a bit of time. I know for a fact that she hadnt done anything in the past as she was always, I repeat ALWAYS at home and or reachable. I was the one who would be going out all the time and unreachable. She had actually thought that i previously cheated on her because of that but she never asked to avoid us splitting. For the person that asked, The girl is Canadian, born and raised. However, her background is Filipino. We had the weddings in Asia for her parents sake. Why did I stay with her so long before i married her? Well lets say I had insecurity issues. I had a few bad apples in my past and even a father that was unfaithfull to my mother. I had to work these out within myself before I could marry. My mother has always told me to take my time, so it did. I am 29, she is 28. She definately wasnt my first. I have had tons before her. She had only 4 before me. One thing to note. This is completely out of character for her. All of her family is shocked. All of her friends are shocked and even those in her dance group are shocked because this is unusual behavior for her character. She is the instructor and leader of her group and has been involved with this non- profit organization for also 9 years. She had quit the dance group on Monday on her own freewill and also setup an appointment for marriage councilling for us on her own freewill. I am still on the fence about what to do although I seriously think she is being truthfull to wanting to work on our relationship. She has told me that she failed to give our marriage a chance and she knows that she has betrayed me. For that she knows will never change but she will do what it takes to make everything better. She will wait however long it takes for meto forgive her. This is just very hard because she is being very convincing. If she wanted to just be with the other guy, wouldnt she just give everything up with me now? She has even Emailed the other guys WIFE (yes, he was married too) and appologized formally and told her it was the biggest mistake and regret of her life. Why did you wait so long? Why did it take 9 years to make sure she was the "one"? What issues did you have that took 9 years to figure out? There are also a few gaps and questions to answer, as in whether she was your first or vice versa? How old you are? Did you live together?
troubadour Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 It looks that she cannot be with other guy. Give yourself a favor and get divorced... if you don't you will always have a stain on your marriage... it will never go away. She knew very well what she was doing and how it would affect you and the marriage... yet she decided to have a fling.
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Dont take the blame for her shortcomings!!! Good lord! she cheated on you before marriage and your whole relationship has been a damn lie. Kids or no kids you owe it to yourself to focus on your future. I mean if she can deceive you for so long whats to say she wont do it in 5 yrs or 10 yrs from now. Will you have to go through this pain again? I'm 28 too but id be damned if I get married to a woman and stay with her after all this is in my face. But that's just me.
AnthonyF Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Thank you all for the replys.. There is obviously a majority that says to leave the girl.. I would but there are many factors invovled. We were together for 9 years and obviously that is a bit of time. I know for a fact that she hadnt done anything in the past as she was always, I repeat ALWAYS at home and or reachable. I was the one who would be going out all the time and unreachable. She had actually thought that i previously cheated on her because of that but she never asked to avoid us splitting. For the person that asked, The girl is Canadian, born and raised. However, her background is Filipino. We had the weddings in Asia for her parents sake. Why did I stay with her so long before i married her? Well lets say I had insecurity issues. I had a few bad apples in my past and even a father that was unfaithfull to my mother. I had to work these out within myself before I could marry. My mother has always told me to take my time, so it did. I am 29, she is 28. She definately wasnt my first. I have had tons before her. She had only 4 before me. One thing to note. This is completely out of character for her. All of her family is shocked. All of her friends are shocked and even those in her dance group are shocked because this is unusual behavior for her character. She is the instructor and leader of her group and has been involved with this non- profit organization for also 9 years. She had quit the dance group on Monday on her own freewill and also setup an appointment for marriage councilling for us on her own freewill. I am still on the fence about what to do although I seriously think she is being truthfull to wanting to work on our relationship. She has told me that she failed to give our marriage a chance and she knows that she has betrayed me. For that she knows will never change but she will do what it takes to make everything better. She will wait however long it takes for meto forgive her. This is just very hard because she is being very convincing. If she wanted to just be with the other guy, wouldnt she just give everything up with me now? She has even Emailed the other guys WIFE (yes, he was married too) and appologized formally and told her it was the biggest mistake and regret of her life. The word marriage means nothing in this case..... 9 years is another point. No kids as far as I can tell from the post (could be a serious factor for the other party). I really don't understand why you have to point out that you are married, outside the timing of her affair while organizing the wedding. That is the most damaging part of the story, not the fact you are married if you see the subtle (or not so) difference. You have been together most of your adult life, that is a fair point, but not that you were vastly "experienced" prior to age 20 (when you met met her) and she was not (though as a father of a 16 year old, I'd be concerned if she is with 4 prior by age 19). That is no excuse on anyone's part..... I am nosy, which I can be on this site, but I must ask why has this been made so public, your friends, family, co-workers and other wife all know about it? I'm not sure that is healthy for all involved. So she is now confused, and probably because he is married.... You have a lot of work and counselling ahead and I wish you luck.
Geishawhelk Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Thank you all for the replys.. There is obviously a majority that says to leave the girl.. I would but there are many factors invovled. Not so. There is only one factor involved. Was she committed and faithful to you? No. Did she lie and cheat? Yes. Kick her to the kerb. We were together for 9 years and obviously that is a bit of time. My ex and I were together 22 years. What's your point? I know for a fact that she hadnt done anything in the past as she was always, I repeat ALWAYS at home and or reachable. I was the one who would be going out all the time and unreachable. She had actually thought that i previously cheated on her because of that but she never asked to avoid us splitting. You never cheated, in all that time. She did. Your perceived wrong, does not justify her actions. Not one bit. It doesn't even compare. hell, I don't even know why you're bringing it up. One thing to note. This is completely out of character for her. All of her family is shocked. All of her friends are shocked and even those in her dance group are shocked because this is unusual behavior for her character. She is the instructor and leader of her group and has been involved with this non- profit organization for also 9 years. Everyone who has an affair would say that it's completely out of character. I don't know why I did it, it just happened, i couldn't help it... all the usual disclaimer stuff. The big thing is - out of cgharacter or not - she did it. Not everybody who has an affair has it in their character to do so. Most people don't do things like this as part of their character.... She had quit the dance group on Monday on her own freewill and also setup an appointment for marriage councilling for us on her own freewill. Only when the affair came to light. She wouldn't have done this unless she'd been foundout, would she? I am still on the fence about what to do although I seriously think she is being truthfull to wanting to work on our relationship. She has told me that she failed to give our marriage a chance Bull. She had 9 years to decide whether to give your marriage a chance. She's doing this out of ear, not out of love. She's acting this way out of guilt, not affection. and she knows that she has betrayed me. For that she knows will never change but she will do what it takes to make everything better. She will wait however long it takes for me to forgive her. Sounds to me as if you have already.... This is just very hard because she is being very convincing. If she wanted to just be with the other guy, wouldnt she just give everything up with me now? Now....? Now, yes. 5 years down the line.... not so sure. Once a cheater..... She has even Emailed the other guys WIFE (yes, he was married too) and appologized formally and told her it was the biggest mistake and regret of her life. Oh good grief! I bet that went down well! So, not only did she potentially destroy your relationship with her, she's effectively done that to him as well... In part, I can see why, and more fool him, but if he didn't agree his wife should know..... that's a messy thing to do.
desertmoon Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Well I've nailed a lot of Asian dancers lately, I was wondering if I knew his wife .... I'm just curious, a lot of Asia is very poor and I'm wondering how well he has evaluated his wifes feelings. Nice. Totally undeserved, but thanks for the caustic response. I am sure the Asian "dancers" that you "nailed" were not the kind of dancer the OP's wife is. Besides, loser guys like you always go for the poor , little asian women , who have very little choices in life--oh especially those who can barely speak English..."me love you long time baby", right? What a richard! Becuase if you were so hot and succesful, you wouldnt even bother looking at those women-you would be looking for someone your equal! Ok...let me get your statement in a logical arrangement...A lot of Asia is poor...and what does that have to do with her 8 year relationship with her now wife? You know, she is a dancer (in a dance troup-doing cultural stuff, actually) who travels a lot, so if you are insinuating that she was in the relationship for the money...why would a youngish, most likely, nice bodied, asian woman, who can definitely get any asianophile anytime wait for what would have been a miserable 8 years? Her cheating has nothing to do with her being Asian or for (maybe) being poor-or both! Get off the stereotype!
desertmoon Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Where are those who always advocate making it public? I think this OP's wife gets a point for sending an email to the OM's wife and apologizing...c'mon you guys...you know that is one difficult and yet, in your world , very necessary step, into truly ending an affair and showing sincerity in wanting to work on the marriage, no? where's the recognition? I say, hang in ther OP! Give your marriage a chance. Give your wife a chance. Go for counseling-marriage and individual.
pelicanpreacher Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 DON'T YOU DARE TO EVEN TRY TO HIDE BEHIND VOWS AS A REASON TO REMAIN IN THIS MARRIAGE! Yours marriage is wholly secular now so live with your piece of paper. Should you be inclined to remain married to this woman then don't come back "baa baa" bleating about how she betrayed you again! To be frank, there's got to be something seriously flawed with the both of you so maybe in this instance two wrongs may make a right!
Recommended Posts