How to effectively communicate with my man...?

[harmonious]

What exactly do people mean when they say honest communication is best in relationships? Men are so different from women, or so I hear, that a woman can't just say what's on her mind clearly to a man, she has to say it in a way the man will understand it.

 

While I'm all for this, there seems to be a drop off at this point for me - I don't know how to think like a man. There's a huge mystery here. So I set myself to work to find out more about how men think and how to best communicate with them.

 

This is one thing in theory, but in practice seems to be quite another. No matter what I read or how much information I absorb on the subject, I only have my own references in communication. No matter how hard I try to put myself in his shoes, I'm always only able to perceive reality through my own senses, not his.

 

For instance, I talk to him or email him in words that I think *I* would appreciate, because I don't really know what *he* appreciates, (and are the two really that different?). I tell him some of the things I love about him, or I say other appreciative things, to let him know that I speak out of love, and not as a complaint or judgement, before and after I address a concern with him. I don't raise my voice or speak harshly or with blame. I am emotional however, but not disruptively so. After all, if I'm discussing something that bothers me, there should be an emotional component allowed right?

 

I find myself feeling like I'm walking on eggshells in fear of saying the wrong thing, but it has very little to do with him. He has never given me reason to fear his disapproval, it's just that the things I've read about men and women being so different have made me hesitant to say what comes naturally.

 

 

I don't really understand my man so well that I know how to approach communication with him. I have read books and articles on the subject of effective communication with men, but I must be applying the information wrong in my actions and words because I don't get the desired response. And now, after learning so much about communicating with men, I now know what they DON'T like - what doesn't work for them - and I'm afraid to say anything sometimes for fear it will be a turn-off.

 

My man is, I think, very evolved. He seems more comfortable talking about his (and my) feelings than many other men I've known. He is an artist and an intellectual, and somewhat of a rebel in the area of macho-ness. So I am dealing with a man who I CAN get through to... and I'm still failing.

 

I'm hoping to get some other viewpoints here...

 

Can anyone help me out?

[kdark]

How exactly are you failing? It sounds to me like you are reading books and articles on the subject, and worrying so much to get it right and maybe you think there is a problem when it isn't there.

 

If your man is smart and in touch with his feelings like you say, he will definitely appreciate you trying to see things from his perspective.

 

Just talk to him about it.

[Trialbyfire]

Maybe you can describe an interaction where there was some form of miscommunication. This might help us understand how we could help.

 

Men are usually pretty direct and prefer direct speech. If that's your man, you shouldn't need to feel like you're walking on eggshells.

 

Of course there are men who are far more sensitive than that, so you'll need to beat around the bush. I have to say that the latter is something that requires a lot of wasted energy and usually ends up to be an exercise in futility and exhausting.

[harmonious]

There is a problem because I am not getting through to him about the things I need, the things I think are good for us. Although I am communicating, I don't seem to be doing it effectively.

 

For instance, we don't go out as much as we should, or plan dates to do things together. Or plan dates at all. We spend a lot of time together as he wants to be with me as much as possible. We have standing weekly times that are reserved for us, but they are subject to change at the last minute. All other times we get together are spontaneous, last minute deals.

 

A few weeks ago I asked him if he thought it was a good idea for us to plan dates more often and he agreed (I thought). I remember he agreed to do the planning and asking, considering we are in a new relationship (we have only been dating for 2 1/2 months - exclusively, at his request.). SInce then he hasn't planned or asked me out on one occasion. This past week we spent a bunch of time together and it was great, but when it was over I thought it might be unhealthy that the whole of our time together was spent in one of our homes, starting late at night. We did not have dinner together all week.

 

I want to stay sexy to him and I don't see how I'm supposed to do that when he's seeing me so much when I'm tired at night, and then the next day in my pajamas.

 

I would like for us to create more memories because we think our relationship has long-term potential. I think the way to do this is to go out more together.

 

I don't want him to take me for granted by always agreeing to see him on short notice, even if I'm not doing anything else.

 

I fear that because I agreed to see him exclusively early on in our dating (3 weeks) he now has it in his mind that he doesn't need to court me anymore... ?

 

So how do I deal with this? I've already brought it up once and had a serious discussion about it. That didn't work. I'd hate to become resentful over this. I feel like I'm being put in the position of a nag if I have to mention it again.

 

Why say you're going to do something that you also think would be great, and then not do it? It's disrespectful.

[Trialbyfire]

How about something like this? It's about as direct as you can get.

 

"Honey, I feel like a booty call. Do you suppose we could go out some of the time? How about next time?"

 

He shouldn't have to feel like he's wooing you anymore, once you're in a relationship. He should appreciate you though, which includes doing things you enjoy doing. Why not mention the things you want to do with him?

 

Also, what's stopping you from initiating? You're in a relationship now, so that means you have your share to uphold.

 

"Honey, next time, let's go for dinner."

 

If he balks or ignores you, you have your answer.

[popey]

I don't agree w/ TBF's statement that men are usually direct, but I do agree w/ her suggested approach and the rest of her assesment.

[harmonious]

How about something like this? It's about as direct as you can get.

 

"Honey, I feel like a booty call. Do you suppose we could go out some of the time? How about next time?"

 

The booty call part went over my head...? We don't have booty calls, although maybe you suspected that because we get together late at night.? This is a love relationship. It is deep on many levels. It's not a series of sexual encounters, if that's what you're thinking. He has a busy schedule including 2 kids, that's why sometimes it's late when we get together, because he'd rather see me than anything else whenever he can.

 

But I think I see what you're saying in terms of communication. Saying something positive & then suggesting things that I would like to happen in the future...? Some of the material I've read presents formulaic devices for patterning communication. It feels artificial when I try it, but if it's effective I will keep doing it and learn to do it well. I want to get really good at communicating with him as a way to honor our relationship, not as a control method. But sometimes I feel like I'm being manipulative when I try to communicate based on some experts formula.

 

He shouldn't have to feel like he's wooing you anymore, once you're in a relationship. He should appreciate you though, which includes doing things you enjoy doing. Why not mention the things you want to do with him?

 

Well here is something I didn't know. I thought he would continue to woo me since our relationship is so new. I'm afraid this is because I agreed to exclusivity too soon, as I think I mentioned in my earlier post. I feel a little regret here, like did we skip most of the courting process because we got too serious too fast? There is no lack of passion, but there is less romance. I think he wanted to get to this part of the relationship asap and skip most of the courtship - it's his comfort zone maybe.

, what's stopping you from initiating? You're in a relationship now, so that means you have your share to uphold.

 

"Honey, next time, let's go for dinner."

 

If he balks or ignores you, you have your answer.

I do mention things I want to do with him, and we do some of them. But the thing that's missing for me in asking a guy out is the courtship. I didn't realize it would be over just because I agreed not to date other people. I don't consider asking a man out on dates part of that. I am very traditional in this way only because I believe it is what works for me, not for any other reason.

 

I don't ask men out or pursue them because it doesn't work for me. Romantic feelings are sparked in me when the man I'm interested in does the pursuing. As I'm writing Im thinking this is a developmental issue with our relationship. We extricated ourselves from the dating pool too soon. If I'm in a relationship with a man, of course I will ask him to do things with me and suggest fun things to do together. I don't feel like we are at that point yet though. But maybe he does.

 

He doesn't balk or ignore me. He's the real deal. That's why I'm giving this my attention.

 

Thanks for the feedback.

 

By the way, as to 'having my share to uphold' I do believe that relationships are 50-50, or better yet, 100-100. But that doesn't mean each partner contributes the same things in the same way. It's a complimentary interaction. Excitement and dynamics are created by the complimentary qualities of man/woman relationships right? Why do we try to ignore this fundamental, biological aspect in human relationships? I'm interested in what works, not simply what equates logically.

[kdark]

So you like it when guys chase after you? And since you agreed to be exclusive with him, he's not chasing you as hard, and you don't like it.

 

And what exactly do you mean by courtship? You have to know that eventually his courtship is going to slow down because he knows he has you, and is comfortable and secure that you are going to stick around. And then you will fall into standard relationship patterns after the honeymoon stage subsides.

[harmonious]

So you like it when guys chase after you? And since you agreed to be exclusive with him, he's not chasing you as hard, and you don't like it.

 

And what exactly do you mean by courtship? You have to know that eventually his courtship is going to slow down because he knows he has you, and is comfortable and secure that you are going to stick around. And then you will fall into standard relationship patterns after the honeymoon stage subsides.

No, I don't necessarily like it when guys chase after me. I like it when the man I'm dating creates romance. I like it when vital stages of a relationship are honored for the health of the relationship. This is not a selfish concern. See if you can understand. I have less interest in courtship in as far it makes me feel good. I have a very strong interest in it as much as it plays a role in our long-term relationship. For both of us.

 

Why is this notion that courtship has no value so popular these days?

 

If a man really likes me he wants to get to know me better right? One way for two people to do this in today's society is to spend time in each other's company in a variety of contexts. I think this is what dating is.

 

My definition of courtship is nothing you haven't heard before: A man asks a woman out, takes her out, calls her, emails her, and does whatever he can in appropriate ways to convey his genuine interest in her. Some men, I believe really enjoy this part of dating. It is about giving, and seeing your woman glow. It is about having opportunities to see your partner in different lights, to see different sides of their character. It's about being able to express your interest and desire for this person.

 

A healthy courtship can be a great foundation for a healthy relationship. Sometimes the memories people have of their courtship phase is what keeps their marriages together. Remembering the sparks that flew in the early stages is very powerful in a lasting relationship. It's also just plain fun to be with someone you enjoy so much doing things together - exploring each other by doing things together.

 

My guy wanted to make sure I wasn't going to get scooped up by some other guy - he said he only wanted to see me,and he wanted to see me seriously. He said he would not be dating anyone else,and that he wanted me to do the same. It felt right. So I agreed, in all confidence that he was quickly becoming a very important person in my life. I'm not saying the courtship ended right there, but it has slowed considerably lately.

 

I know I agreed to it thinking I was doing the right thing, but now I'm afraid we might be truncating an important phase.

 

Also if a guy 'has me' wouldn't he be even more invested? Wouldn't he want to be sure to see to my needs? Don't guys realize that when we agree to be with them we give up all other romantic attentions from men? Don't they realize we still need to be adored? Who's going to take care of that if your man doesn't? Keep us happy and we will keep you happy. A woman does not want to have sex with a man who doesn't romance her! If anything, efforts should be increased, not diminished, as relationships progress, IMO.

[harmonious]

Feeling powerless, thought I might get some insight here. I spoke to my man on the phone last night about the going out thing. He's still resistant to the idea in a way. He's not anti-going-out, but he is anti-planning. He isn't comfortable making plans ahead of time.

 

I'm just sitting by watching the magic disappear. Sad. Don't know what else I can do. Guess I'm looking for help, suggestions. How do I get through to him that if we lose romance we lose much more too? How? Why would he want something so wonderful to become ho-hum? Why?

 

He isn't pulling away - it's not that . He is settling in, which is great. But why can't we keep things exciting too? What is all the resistance for? Do guys just not like to expend energy once they 'think' they 'have you'?

[Geishawhelk]

Feeling powerless, thought I might get some insight here. I spoke to my man on the phone last night about the going out thing. He's still resistant to the idea in a way. He's not anti-going-out, but he is anti-planning. He isn't comfortable making plans ahead of time.

Well, when the hell would you make plans... if not 'ahead of time'...>> Or is he into complete surprise and sponatnaety... I guess he's not into that either, huh?

 

 

I'm just sitting by watching the magic disappear. Sad. Don't know what else I can do. Guess I'm looking for help, suggestions. How do I get through to him that if we lose romance we lose much more too? How? Why would he want something so wonderful to become ho-hum? Why?

 

If this were a 2-and-a-half year relationship, I'd say it's something you both have to work on and re-awaken, sustain and keep going.

But 2-and-a-half months?? that's barely out of thye how do you do stage.... That's bad....

 

 

He isn't pulling away - it's not that . He is settling in, which is great. But why can't we keep things exciting too? What is all the resistance for? Do guys just not like to expend energy once they 'think' they 'have you'?

 

In a word - yes.

 

Some do. My ex- did. he had as much romance in his entire body as I do in my pinkie finger nail-tip... It's Effort, you see....

 

or maybe he's just not very romantic.

Maybe he doesn't see the point.

And if you're walking on egg-shells now?

Bad sign. very bad.

it's not going to get better.

It will transform into broken galss.

 

He's completely resistant (it seems) to change or adapting.

He wants you to fit into his little world and slot into the niche made for you... I think he's compartmentalised you....

 

If you're one for the grand sweeping gesture, or the subtle Romantic touch - then - you're either going to ahve to be happy to sacrifice that - or look elsewhere for it.

 

Sorry.

 

***mi, egg-shells is not good, hun.

At only two months in?

 

No, no, no.....

[manugeorge]

No, I don't necessarily like it when guys chase after me. I like it when the man I'm dating creates romance. I like it when vital stages of a relationship are honored for the health of the relationship. This is not a selfish concern. See if you can understand. I have less interest in courtship in as far it makes me feel good. I have a very strong interest in it as much as it plays a role in our long-term relationship. For both of us.

 

Why is this notion that courtship has no value so popular these days?

 

If a man really likes me he wants to get to know me better right? One way for two people to do this in today's society is to spend time in each other's company in a variety of contexts. I think this is what dating is.

 

My definition of courtship is nothing you haven't heard before: A man asks a woman out, takes her out, calls her, emails her, and does whatever he can in appropriate ways to convey his genuine interest in her. Some men, I believe really enjoy this part of dating. It is about giving, and seeing your woman glow. It is about having opportunities to see your partner in different lights, to see different sides of their character. It's about being able to express your interest and desire for this person.

 

A healthy courtship can be a great foundation for a healthy relationship. Sometimes the memories people have of their courtship phase is what keeps their marriages together. Remembering the sparks that flew in the early stages is very powerful in a lasting relationship. It's also just plain fun to be with someone you enjoy so much doing things together - exploring each other by doing things together.

 

My guy wanted to make sure I wasn't going to get scooped up by some other guy - he said he only wanted to see me,and he wanted to see me seriously. He said he would not be dating anyone else,and that he wanted me to do the same. It felt right. So I agreed, in all confidence that he was quickly becoming a very important person in my life. I'm not saying the courtship ended right there, but it has slowed considerably lately.

 

I know I agreed to it thinking I was doing the right thing, but now I'm afraid we might be truncating an important phase.

 

Also if a guy 'has me' wouldn't he be even more invested? Wouldn't he want to be sure to see to my needs? Don't guys realize that when we agree to be with them we give up all other romantic attentions from men? Don't they realize we still need to be adored? Who's going to take care of that if your man doesn't? Keep us happy and we will keep you happy. A woman does not want to have sex with a man who doesn't romance her! If anything, efforts should be increased, not diminished, as relationships progress, IMO.

 

I think you would need to readjust your idea of courtship to begin with. You seem to have it in your head that he is suppose to do all the wooing while you sit there like the princess on the receiving end but this is not a disney cartoon, this is real life. ESPECIALLY in an exclusive relationship. You BOTH have to entertain each other. You both have to plan dates, engage each other and court each other. He buys you flowers, you make him a fabulous dinner, he does dishes, you make him dessert. You pick up tickets for a great concert, he picks up tickets to a hockey name, etc etc.

 

Marriages last because the couple takes care of each other, one person doesn't sit there like the King/Queen while the other serves as the maid/courtjester. He is as much of a prize to you as you are to him. Being woman doesn't make you more important in the relationship than he is.

 

I'm not saying he shouldn't romance you or court you but you also have to romance him and court him. The individual acts of romance are just what's going to be different.

 

You should discuss your concerns with him but you also have to step up and do YOUR part in building a loving relationship. Don't leave the planning up to him, you should make plans also and then give him a chance to plan something else the next time. If he completely balks at this, then perhaps you just have a case of incompatibility on your hands, in which case, I would start questioning the relationship

[Trialbyfire]

I think you would need to readjust your idea of courtship to begin with. You seem to have it in your head that he is suppose to do all the wooing while you sit there like the princess on the receiving end but this is not a disney cartoon, this is real life. ESPECIALLY in an exclusive relationship. You BOTH have to entertain each other. You both have to plan dates, engage each other and court each other. He buys you flowers, you make him a fabulous dinner, he does dishes, you make him dessert. You pick up tickets for a great concert, he picks up tickets to a hockey name, etc etc.

 

Marriages last because the couple takes care of each other, one person doesn't sit there like the King/Queen while the other serves as the maid/courtjester. He is as much of a prize to you as you are to him. Being woman doesn't make you more important in the relationship than he is.

 

I'm not saying he shouldn't romance you or court you but you also have to romance him and court him. The individual acts of romance are just what's going to be different.

 

You should discuss your concerns with him but you also have to step up and do YOUR part in building a loving relationship. Don't leave the planning up to him, you should make plans also and then give him a chance to plan something else the next time. If he completely balks at this, then perhaps you just have a case of incompatibility on your hands, in which case, I would start questioning the relationship

Beautifully said!! Romance each other.

[harmonious]

I think you would need to readjust your idea of courtship to begin with. You seem to have it in your head that he is suppose to do all the wooing while you sit there like the princess on the receiving end but this is not a disney cartoon, this is real life. ESPECIALLY in an exclusive relationship. You BOTH have to entertain each other. You both have to plan dates, engage each other and court each other. He buys you flowers, you make him a fabulous dinner, he does dishes, you make him dessert. You pick up tickets for a great concert, he picks up tickets to a hockey name, etc etc.

 

And what, pray tell, gave you the mistaken idea that I'm "sitting there like a princess"? Oh, you must mean while I was grocery shoppping, cooking dinners and breakfasts, writing him emails, making the house look great, stroking his ego, making myself available for him in my busy life, etc etc. Yes I find it so much fun to do all this by remote control from the comfort of my throne. Look, I didn't come here to defend myself against all kinds of random accusations and assumptions you're placing on me. I am not a selfish woman and I am not an idiot - ok? I know it takes two people to create romance = that's right TWO - Me and HIM. All I am saying is that I want to do what WORKS, and that is not necessarily tit for tat. I am perfectly happy ready and willing to do my part - I just don't think that asking a man out is my job. Read what I wrote and maybe you will understand why.

 

 

Marriages last because the couple takes care of each other, one person doesn't sit there like the King/Queen while the other serves as the maid/courtjester. He is as much of a prize to you as you are to him. Being woman doesn't make you more important in the relationship than he is.

 

I am not in a marriage. I am 2 1/2 months into a new relationship. AKA THE COURTSHIP STAGE! It's different from marriage, would you agree? I have not placed myself above him in any way, why do you insist that I'm on some kind of power trip? Exactly where did I say or even imply that I think I am more inportant than him becaue I'm a woman or for any other reason? I venture to guess that this is an issue for you, not me.

 

I'm not saying he shouldn't romance you or court you but you also have to romance him and court him. The individual acts of romance are just what's going to be different.

 

You should discuss your concerns with him but you also have to step up and do YOUR part in building a loving relationship. Don't leave the planning up to him, you should make plans also and then give him a chance to plan something else the next time. If he completely balks at this, then perhaps you just have a case of incompatibility on your hands, in which case, I would start questioning the relationship

I do romance him my friend, that's not what this is about. I came here to get insight as to how to communicate more effectively, not for you to take jabs at my imagined shortcomings in the romance department, or any other dept for that matter.

 

There is no balking. And I hate to disappoint you, but this is not about the failure of my relationship. You're going off on tangents that have nothing to do with the information I've presented here. But thanks for your feedback.

[harmonious]

Well, when the hell would you make plans... if not 'ahead of time'...>> Or is he into complete surprise and sponatnaety... I guess he's not into that either, huh?

 

 

 

 

If this were a 2-and-a-half year relationship, I'd say it's something you both have to work on and re-awaken, sustain and keep going.

But 2-and-a-half months?? that's barely out of thye how do you do stage.... That's bad....

 

 

 

 

In a word - yes.

 

Some do. My ex- did. he had as much romance in his entire body as I do in my pinkie finger nail-tip... It's Effort, you see....

 

or maybe he's just not very romantic.

Maybe he doesn't see the point.

And if you're walking on egg-shells now?

Bad sign. very bad.

it's not going to get better.

It will transform into broken galss.

 

He's completely resistant (it seems) to change or adapting.

He wants you to fit into his little world and slot into the niche made for you... I think he's compartmentalised you....

 

If you're one for the grand sweeping gesture, or the subtle Romantic touch - then - you're either going to ahve to be happy to sacrifice that - or look elsewhere for it.

 

Sorry.

 

***mi, egg-shells is not good, hun.

At only two months in?

 

No, no, no.....

Well thanks for your thoughts. I'm not sure how much of my original post you read, but you seem to have taken some of my key points out of context.

 

Walking on egg shells refers to the knowledge that men are very different from women in their styles of communication. My concern with being careful in communicating properly so as not to make him defensive, or feel I'm disapproving or demanding, or complaining. I was simply saying that because I am not a man, I walk on eggshells because I am exercising caution, not for any fear that he will blow up or walk or anything like that.

 

 

You also seem ready to think my relationship is in trouble. I am being PROACTIVE here. Or do you think I should wait until things start to fall apart before I look for ways to strengthen it?

 

I really think people should try to be more considerate in their messages here. I came here for help. There are feelings involved, obviously. Please don't reply so irresponsibly. Read what I wrote first. And skip the negativity. Thanks.

[Touche]

I would like for us to create more memories because we think our relationship has long-term potential. I think the way to do this is to go out more together.

 

I don't get this. "Going out" isn't what creates memories in my book. My H and I were exclusive fairly quickly. We didn't go out much at all. We loved staying in and talking by the fire, cooking dinner together, dancing in the living room...wow, those are still some of my favorite memories. Those early days of getting to know each other were priceless. It was about HIM and I and not about "going out."

 

I don't want him to take me for granted by always agreeing to see him on short notice, even if I'm not doing anything else.

 

What makes you think he takes you for granted? You agreed to an exclusive relationship. If the short notice thing bothers you then don't talk to him about it anymore. Just tell him you're busy. Seems like game-playing to me though.

 

I fear that because I agreed to see him exclusively early on in our dating (3 weeks) he now has it in his mind that he doesn't need to court me anymore... ?

 

What is courting to you? Calling you and asking you out on a date? If so, that doesn't seem to be his style. He just wants to be with you. No offense but maybe you're too high-maintenance for him. He sounds pretty laid-back. Some women (me;) ) love men like that.

 

So how do I deal with this? I've already brought it up once and had a serious discussion about it. That didn't work. I'd hate to become resentful over this. I feel like I'm being put in the position of a nag if I have to mention it again.

 

You either accept him how he is or leave him. You're not going to change him I can tell you that much.

 

Why say you're going to do something that you also think would be great, and then not do it? It's disrespectful.

 

He's just trying to get you to stop talking about it maybe.

 

 

No, I don't necessarily like it when guys chase after me. I like it when the man I'm dating creates romance. I like it when vital stages of a relationship are honored for the health of the relationship. This is not a selfish concern. See if you can understand. I have less interest in courtship in as far it makes me feel good. I have a very strong interest in it as much as it plays a role in our long-term relationship. For both of us.

 

That makes no sense. Courtship, again, is not about "going out." How does he treat you when you're together? Does he make you feel special? Does he make you feel wanted? Does he do special things for you and tell you that he thought about you all day?

 

Why is this notion that courtship has no value so popular these days?

 

Wrong. I think it's your notion about what courtship is that is skewed here.

 

If a man really likes me he wants to get to know me better right? One way for two people to do this in today's society is to spend time in each other's company in a variety of contexts. I think this is what dating is.

 

What kind of context are we talking about? Just curious. Because you can get to know him just as well at home over a candle lit dinner as you can at a 5 star restaurant.

 

My definition of courtship is nothing you haven't heard before: A man asks a woman out, takes her out, calls her, emails her, and does whatever he can in appropriate ways to convey his genuine interest in her.

 

So he never calls you? Not sure the emailing thing is important though.

 

 

 

Some men, I believe really enjoy this part of dating. It is about giving, and seeing your woman glow. It is about having opportunities to see your partner in different lights, to see different sides of their character. It's about being able to express your interest and desire for this person.

 

If he never tells you how special you are and never calls you then yes, TBF is right and this is a booty call.

 

A healthy courtship can be a great foundation for a healthy relationship. Sometimes the memories people have of their courtship phase is what keeps their marriages together. Remembering the sparks that flew in the early stages is very powerful in a lasting relationship. It's also just plain fun to be with someone you enjoy so much doing things together - exploring each other by doing things together.

 

Again, what kind of things?

 

My guy wanted to make sure I wasn't going to get scooped up by some other guy - he said he only wanted to see me,and he wanted to see me seriously. He said he would not be dating anyone else,and that he wanted me to do the same. It felt right. So I agreed, in all confidence that he was quickly becoming a very important person in my life. I'm not saying the courtship ended right there, but it has slowed considerably lately.

 

I know I agreed to it thinking I was doing the right thing, but now I'm afraid we might be truncating an important phase.

 

You're IN the courtship phase right now. You're just not seeing it perhaps. And you're not appreciative of his style of courting.

 

Also if a guy 'has me' wouldn't he be even more invested? Wouldn't he want to be sure to see to my needs? Don't guys realize that when we agree to be with them we give up all other romantic attentions from men? Don't they realize we still need to be adored? Who's going to take care of that if your man doesn't? Keep us happy and we will keep you happy. A woman does not want to have sex with a man who doesn't romance her! If anything, efforts should be increased, not diminished, as relationships progress, IMO.

 

Feeling powerless, thought I might get some insight here. I spoke to my man on the phone last night about the going out thing. He's still resistant to the idea in a way. He's not anti-going-out, but he is anti-planning. He isn't comfortable making plans ahead of time.

 

I'm just sitting by watching the magic disappear. Sad. Don't know what else I can do. Guess I'm looking for help, suggestions. How do I get through to him that if we lose romance we lose much more too? How? Why would he want something so wonderful to become ho-hum? Why?

 

It's not ho-hum to him maybe. To him it's comfortable I suspect. And you can't get "through" to him if that's the way he is. Getting through to him means trying to change who he is. That's a recipe for disaster and doesn't work in the end.

 

He isn't pulling away - it's not that . He is settling in, which is great. But why can't we keep things exciting too? What is all the resistance for? Do guys just not like to expend energy once they 'think' they 'have you'?

 

He's not resisting anything. He's just being himself. Again, I loved that my H and I "settled" in so quickly. We were so comfortable with each other fairly early on. I didn't feel the need for us to constantly be going out on "fabulous dates." I was happy with him no matter what we were doing.

There's a basic incompatibility here. It's not even that you're wrong to feel as you do. You're just wrong for EACH OTHER based on what you say here.

 

It's highly unlikely that he's going to change and you'll just grow more and more resentful. So you either have to again, accept him as he is or let him go.

[Trialbyfire]

Touche nails it, from all aspects, regardless of which kind of situation it is.

 

Straight up harmonious, even I as a woman, am having difficulty understanding your needs, not that they're invalid but that I'm uncertain what you want from him. I'm reading some generalities but nothing I can pin down as substance.

 

If you feel like you're being taken for granted, perhaps a different man who speaks your language, might be the better choice.

[Star Gazer]

There's a basic incompatibility here. It's not even that you're wrong to feel as you do. You're just wrong for EACH OTHER based on what you say here.

 

It's highly unlikely that he's going to change and you'll just grow more and more resentful. So you either have to again, accept him as he is or let him go.

 

I was going to say this, but Touche beat me to it.

[Geishawhelk]

Walking on egg shells refers to the knowledge that men are very different from women in their styles of communication. My concern with being careful in communicating properly so as not to make him defensive, or feel I'm disapproving or demanding, or complaining. I was simply saying that because I am not a man, I walk on eggshells because I am exercising caution, not for any fear that he will blow up or walk or anything like that.

 

Read any posts here and sometimes it's hard to tell whether they're from a man or woman.

Unless something specific comes up, people make gender mistakes all the time. Hell, someone made one about me tionight, so it's commonplace....

So your pre-conceived ideas about men and women communicating differently, actually doesn't wash.

I think you are worried about talking to him because you fear scaring him off.

And if you perpetually worry about how to talk to men, then I think you may be creating more problems for yourself than needs be.

 

 

You also seem ready to think my relationship is in trouble. I am being PROACTIVE here. Or do you think I should wait until things start to fall apart before I look for ways to strengthen it?

Things are already falling apart if you're posting for help only 2 months in. I'd say.....

 

I really think people should try to be more considerate in their messages here. I came here for help. There are feelings involved, obviously. Please don't reply so irresponsibly. Read what I wrote first. And skip the negativity. Thanks.

 

Apart from your eggshells comment, which I've already addressed, i don't actually see where I've been inconsiderate. I posted to add my PoV with the intention of helping, and I don't think I've posted anything untruthful or unhelpful, even.

What is irresponsible about my reply?

Where is there negativity?

 

If you can't stand the heat....

This is a global forum where everyone has a right to have a say.

If you don't like it, skip it.

 

Thanks.

[isoleaf]

I would like for us to create more memories because we think our relationship has long-term potential. I think the way to do this is to go out more together.

 

I don't get this. "Going out" isn't what creates memories in my book. My H and I were exclusive fairly quickly. We didn't go out much at all. We loved staying in and talking by the fire, cooking dinner together, dancing in the living room...wow, those are still some of my favorite memories. Those early days of getting to know each other were priceless. It was about HIM and I and not about "going out."

 

I don't want him to take me for granted by always agreeing to see him on short notice, even if I'm not doing anything else.

 

What makes you think he takes you for granted? You agreed to an exclusive relationship. If the short notice thing bothers you then don't talk to him about it anymore. Just tell him you're busy. Seems like game-playing to me though.

 

I fear that because I agreed to see him exclusively early on in our dating (3 weeks) he now has it in his mind that he doesn't need to court me anymore... ?

 

What is courting to you? Calling you and asking you out on a date? If so, that doesn't seem to be his style. He just wants to be with you. No offense but maybe you're too high-maintenance for him. He sounds pretty laid-back. Some women (me;) ) love men like that.

 

So how do I deal with this? I've already brought it up once and had a serious discussion about it. That didn't work. I'd hate to become resentful over this. I feel like I'm being put in the position of a nag if I have to mention it again.

 

You either accept him how he is or leave him. You're not going to change him I can tell you that much.

 

Why say you're going to do something that you also think would be great, and then not do it? It's disrespectful.

 

He's just trying to get you to stop talking about it maybe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He's not resisting anything. He's just being himself. Again, I loved that my H and I "settled" in so quickly. We were so comfortable with each other fairly early on. I didn't feel the need for us to constantly be going out on "fabulous dates." I was happy with him no matter what we were doing.

 

There's a basic incompatibility here. It's not even that you're wrong to feel as you do. You're just wrong for EACH OTHER based on what you say here.

 

It's highly unlikely that he's going to change and you'll just grow more and more resentful. So you either have to again, accept him as he is or let him go.

 

Touche here is the smartest and most advanced poster i've seen on this forum yet.

 

she's absolutely right, it's a basic incompatibility.

 

however, Touche, i think that this girl might be willing to do more for this guy than she is for other guys, and thus she's trying to make it work. from the way she talks about him using terms like "the real deal" and how she presents him as a balanced individual, it sounds like she finds him special and worth it in some way. it's true there's less compatibility it seems, but that's not the end of the world. he IS with her after all so he likes what she's got, and she doesn't seem to be asking for a WHOLE LOT so there's some room for making it work.

 

i know courtship isn't ALL ABOUT going out, but you gotta make a girl feel like you're stepping out of your box for her EVERY NOW AND THEN. true you can't change a man and it's true the BASIS for entertainment/wooing/courtship isn't in "going out" but rather what one is willing to do to please the other.

 

she seems like she's stepping outside of her comfort zone for him, so he should for her A LITTLE.

 

and for you harmonious... JUST EFFING DO IT.

 

SHOW HIM the FUN of going out. why not plan a night that is tailor made FOR HIM. it seems like you want HIM to plan a night for YOU and he doesn't even like planning nights for HIMSELF let alone someone else so how do you even know he knows how to do it? what if he doesn't? having a serious conversation about how you should know something doesn't teach it to you. it just makes you feel less capable taht you're having the convo in the first place. instead, you should STEP UP TO THE PLATE. show him that it's not that hard, show him the benefits, make it worth it FOR HIM and then he will see and he'll want to return the favor.

 

if i were you i wouldn't have a "serious convo" trying to show him the merits of going out and how it could help. i would just SHOW HIM the merits of going out by planning a night of activities incorporating what HE likes to do, and just model the night after HIM as well as putting a couple things in there for myself so that we're having a good time together. SHOW HIM the benefits of going out, then when the night's done, hit him with some EXPLOSIVE sex (positive reinforcement).

 

men don't understand as well when you try to CONVINCE them with words how you're right. he just isn't in your head like you're not in his. you need to just SHOW him the benefits and then provide positive reinforcement. maybe he wants to learn and you're just being too critical of a judge for him to feel safe trying to take you out.

 

SET AN EXAMPLE and lose your insecurities. they're hindering your relationship.

 

from how you described this guy, he sounds just like me and you sound like the girl i'm dating now.

[Touche]

Wow, Iso thanks! I'm blushing.

 

You know a lot of what you said makes good sense. I liked the part about showing him and not just talking about it. I agree with that. But the problem is is that harmonious said she doesn't believe in asking him out or something along those lines, even though they're seeing each other exclusively now and regularly for about 2 months.

 

I'm pretty old-fashioned too but by now, she should feel comfortable taking HIM out and showing him her idea of a good time.

 

Maybe he'll reciprocate the next time, maybe not.

 

It's true that in relationships we should meet our mates in the middle when we're not exactly on the same page. So if he still doesn't then it goes back again to incompatibility...as in she may bend on things but he won't.

 

So, Iso since you're like Harmonious's guy, what's it like for you? Does your g/f insist you take her out a lot? Do you have a good time when you do what she wants? How does that work for you guys?

 

This is actually an important area in which to get along. You always hear about married couples where one just wants to stay home and the other always wants to be the social butterfly.

 

Like I said for us it works as we're both mostly content to be at home. We're not into the club scene or the social scene. Even our hobbies center around the home (gardening, home improvements, etc. )

 

Anyway, thanks so much for the nice compliment and your post made a lot of sense to me. Hopefully harmonious can sort this out one way or the other.

 

Oh and thanks TBF and SG.

[isoleaf]

Wow, Iso thanks! I'm blushing.

 

You know a lot of what you said makes good sense. I liked the part about showing him and not just talking about it. I agree with that. But the problem is is that harmonious said she doesn't believe in asking him out or something along those lines, even though they're seeing each other exclusively now and regularly for about 2 months.

 

I'm pretty old-fashioned too but by now, she should feel comfortable taking HIM out and showing him her idea of a good time.

 

Maybe he'll reciprocate the next time, maybe not.

 

It's true that in relationships we should meet our mates in the middle when we're not exactly on the same page. So if he still doesn't then it goes back again to incompatibility...as in she may bend on things but he won't.

 

So, Iso since you're like Harmonious's guy, what's it like for you? Does your g/f insist you take her out a lot? Do you have a good time when you do what she wants? How does that work for you guys?

 

This is actually an important area in which to get along. You always hear about married couples where one just wants to stay home and the other always wants to be the social butterfly.

 

Like I said for us it works as we're both mostly content to be at home. We're not into the club scene or the social scene. Even our hobbies center around the home (gardening, home improvements, etc. )

 

Anyway, thanks so much for the nice compliment and your post made a lot of sense to me. Hopefully harmonious can sort this out one way or the other.

 

Oh and thanks TBF and SG.

 

WOW. i'm really pissed off right now with loveshack because i wrote a lonnng response and it got erased when i tried to submit. rewrote it, and then it happened again. i don't feel like writing the exact same thing a third time in a row as i've already wasted too much time... i'll write it up later. stay tuned...

[Touche]

WOW. i'm really pissed off right now with loveshack because i wrote a lonnng response and it got erased when i tried to submit. rewrote it, and then it happened again. i don't feel like writing the exact same thing a third time in a row as i've already wasted too much time... i'll write it up later. stay tuned...

 

Oh don't you hate that? I've learned my lesson though. You know what I do if I'm writing an especially long post? I highlight every few paragraphs and click copy so that if I do lose it, I can just paste the whole response. When you're all finished typing it out, highlight it and copy one last time to capture the whole post before you submit.

 

That is a shame though. Sorry that happened.

[Waitress]

I mean this in the nicest possible way, because I've been there, too. But sometimes we get in our head a picture of how we want a relationship to play out. And when the other person doesn't start going along with that image we get angry.

 

A part has to do with insecurities, a part expectations - and maybe just inexperience.

 

Again, please don't take this as criticism. It's all stuff I've spent a lot of time working on and trying to fix in myself.

 

For me, different things matter in relationships now then ten years ago. I'm not as concerned with things like what we do together as much as how we are together. Does he make an effort? Does he make me feel wanted?

 

If this guy doesn't make you feel wanted then it's either something he's doing or not doing or something you've created in your head. Either way, don't yell at him or talk 'till you're blue. Life is too short. If you're unhappy then move on.

 

Just my opinion.