i would do anything for a second chance!

[Ilovehim]

How can you show somebody you REALLY have changed?

If they claim the butterflies are gone but they say they still find you very attractive...and keep in touch with you the whole time you are broken up??

What can I do to get him back or to get his friendship back after ignoring his text messages? I would rather have him in my life than not have him at all. He is all I ever think about.

Should I try to get the situation "a fresh start"? Look really nice when I meet up with him/ pretend to be over him and play the friend card?

 

 

He left due to the way I acted and the fact that our relationship had gotten too comfortable for him. He said "you're always there and I can't miss you that way." He said he still loved me but he just wasn't in love with me anymore. What he defined as being in love was the butterflies and the spark. which is NOT TRUE!! How can I get him back?? I would do anything to show him I have changed and to show him that we can have that spark. esp now after 7 months..we're no longer "comfortable" with each other.

 

 

Please anyone!! help!!

[BCCA]

First, if thats your picture, you dont need to ever give anyone a second chance. Youre a beautiful woman, and I can think of plenty of nice guys that would date you in a second.

 

I would rather have him in my life than not have him at all

 

I think this is a misconception. Would you rather have him in your life, calling to ask for advice about his new woman? No, you want a relationship, but are willing to settle for less if that means you get a chance at some point. Its actually counter productive. By accepting a friendship, youre accepting that things will always be 100% on his terms, which is not healthy.

 

He left due to the way I acted and the fact that our relationship had gotten too comfortable for him

 

Thats what he told you, but it could be partially true or 100% BS, you just cant know. What you do know is that he left you, and you shouldnt have to tolerate someone who is wishy washy with you. Youre a good person, and have enough going for you to find someone else.

 

What he defined as being in love was the butterflies and the spark

 

In this day of instant gratification, a lot of people confuse falling in love with being in love. Once the magic wears off and they realize that love takes work, they usually 'lose' those feelings of butterflies/etc and decide that the thrill is gone. Its hard to find people who realize relationships take work, especially if youre in your twenties like me.

 

I would do anything to show him I have changed and to show him that we can have that spark

 

You cant make him have the spark, thats all him. You cant control other people, and if I knew how to definitely get people another chance, I would be the richest man in the world. Its impossible to control what someone else feels or does, and the sooner you realize that the better.

 

Look, you can spend your time hoping and wishing, while miserable, and still not get what you want, or you can accept that maybe this guy isnt the one for you, and that just means that there is someone else out there, who is a better fit. Dont pine over someone who chose to let you walk, his mistake, let him live with it. You will be just fine, and you will meet someone else. If you were in California, I would have a line of guys ready to date you, so theyre out there!

[playlislay]

Wont you be worried that the same scenario will happen again? It would be different if you were the one who 'dumped' him, as it will be YOU that are feeling the butterflies and would want to make it work once the butterflies had vanished. But it is him who has the problem. Jesus, does this man not realise that butterflies do fade after a period of time?? It is the love and security of being with that person that makes a real relationship. Do you get butterflies over, lets say, your mum? If you live/d with her over a long period of time then that excitement fades.

 

The spark is a different story. The psark is important and should last a very long time. Its not until you have lived with someone or been with someone for a long, looooooooong, time that you should lose the spark. I dont know, maybe people do lose the spark quickly but that doesnt mean that you dont love them anymore. Are you sure he hasnt fallen out of love with you? (Even both of them are pretty similar: feeling of love and the feeling of the spark).

 

So what was meant to be a short one-liner has turned into an essay! Sorry! )

[Ilovehim]

Thank you both.

I dont know perhaps he has..and BCCA THanks for the comliments!

Regardless I still miss him...One side of me keeps telling me that its over and I need to move on and on the other side, I just feel like crying! I really miss him.

 

 

How do you think he would react if I told him i wanted to hang out or something? or if i told him how i felt?

[BCCA]

How do you think he would react if I told him i wanted to hang out or something?

 

He would probably think he could have sex with you. In guy talk, 'hang out' = have sex. And you would probably not even think about it until it was too late.

 

Or, you could just hang out, and get nowhere. So, you see him, get some coffee...and then what? He's not just going to see your face and fall madly in love with you over again. He needs to realize on his own, without any input from you, that he made a mistake. Until then, youre wasting your time.

 

or if i told him how i felt?

 

Trust me, he knows how you feel. Saying it again would only piss him off, because he would start to feel guilty.

 

and BCCA THanks for the comliments

 

You're welcome. Sometimes, when someone has decided that we werent the one for them, we forget what wonderful and attractive people we really are. Trust me, just because he wasnt the one for you doesnt mean that there isnt someone better out there.

 

One side of me keeps telling me that its over and I need to move on and on the other side, I just feel like crying

 

Thats your head telling you the right thing to do, but your heart not wanting to accept it. Its common, I've gone through it myself.

 

Your head is right, though. Dont waste your time on someone that isnt making an effort. Like Gloria Gainer, said 'now Im saving all my lovin' for someone thats lovin' me'. He's out there, and you'll meet him someday, and wonder why you spent 2 seconds worrying about this guy.

[Ilovehim]

thank u bcca...i wrote my story on the breaks and breaking up section...if u would liek to read it...again thank u so much, im just so confused with all this!

[CaliGuy]

Can I just tell you bluntly from exerience something?

 

The more you want a second chance, the LESS LIKELY it is to occur. That is because you will do and say all the wrong things. All the things that show desperation, clingy-ness and needy-ness.

 

If you want him to see you've changed, disappear from his life. Reclaim your life, which is the only thing you have control over. No matter what you do, the more quiet your are, the more he'll wonder. That doesn't mean he'll come back.

 

But the more you maintain contact and try and force yourself into his life, the more you will end up pushing him away.

 

I hate to sound mean, but go get a life that doesn't include him. Friends, family, hobbies, exercise, school -- anything to get your mind off him. Even dating other men. The point I am trying to make is desperation isn't attractive.

 

Confidence is.

[wowIlose]

You want him back?

 

You need to show him you don't need him. You need to stop hanging out with him all together. Be nonchalant but if he asks to hangout say your busy, be nice, be happy. Go out with some guy friends and get pictures together, show him your moving on. And most importantly you CAN NOT have sex with him AT ALL. If he is able to have sex from you or emotional support while being outside of the relationship then there is absolutely 0 reason for him to be in one. He gets best of both worlds. He gets to keep you around while he nails other girls. Get it?

 

Now start moving on. Fake it till you make it. When he comes around(more than likely if you do what I outlined above) don't be to quick to take him back. Make him work for it or you'll fall right back into his game.

 

Unfortunately I don't think your in the mental state necessary to pull this of. Your so emotionally attached to this man that it will be very difficult for you to carry through with any action plan. If he throws bread crumbs your way you'll eat it right up because your perception and judgment is so clouded.

 

Of course your welcome to prove me wrong, and I hope you do

 

Good luck.

[Ilovehim]

Can I just tell you bluntly from exerience something?

 

The more you want a second chance, the LESS LIKELY it is to occur. That is because you will do and say all the wrong things. All the things that show desperation, clingy-ness and needy-ness.

 

If you want him to see you've changed, disappear from his life. Reclaim your life, which is the only thing you have control over. No matter what you do, the more quiet your are, the more he'll wonder. That doesn't mean he'll come back.

 

But the more you maintain contact and try and force yourself into his life, the more you will end up pushing him away.

 

I hate to sound mean, but go get a life that doesn't include him. Friends, family, hobbies, exercise, school -- anything to get your mind off him. Even dating other men. The point I am trying to make is desperation isn't attractive.

 

Confidence is.

 

 

I'm sorry, I dont understand this. What do desperation and confidence have anything to do with each other? I never said I'm not confident or that my ex isnt attracted to me, he claimed to be..he just wants to be "on his own" or whatever. And I have dated someone else (if you can read my full story on breaks and brekaing up) and my problem is that I have tried all those things but I cant shake my ex. Yeah I kinda do feel like I dont have a life but even when i go out I STILL miss him even more.

 

 

I do understand where you're coming from with the whole idea that the more you want something the less likely you are to get it..but okay what can I say? I really miss him and perhaps I AM desperate to get him back. I came here to ask for advice on how NOT to show IM despearte... (lol)

[Ilovehim]

You want him back?

 

You need to show him you don't need him. You need to stop hanging out with him all together. Be nonchalant but if he asks to hangout say your busy, be nice, be happy. Go out with some guy friends and get pictures together, show him your moving on. And most importantly you CAN NOT have sex with him AT ALL. If he is able to have sex from you or emotional support while being outside of the relationship then there is absolutely 0 reason for him to be in one. He gets best of both worlds. He gets to keep you around while he nails other girls. Get it?

 

 

 

Now start moving on. Fake it till you make it. When he comes around(more than likely if you do what I outlined above) don't be to quick to take him back. Make him work for it or you'll fall right back into his game.

 

Unfortunately I don't think your in the mental state necessary to pull this of. Your so emotionally attached to this man that it will be very difficult for you to carry through with any action plan. If he throws bread crumbs your way you'll eat it right up because your perception and judgment is so clouded.

 

Of course your welcome to prove me wrong, and I hope you do

 

Good luck.

 

 

I was having sex with him at first (the first 3 months ) and he said he felt bad cause he felt like that onyl made everything worse for me but I was in such a messed up mental state at the time that i let it happen...so we used to hang out and had sex a couple times...when i asked him to consider giving us another chance he said 'woah..no strings attached" that hurt me soo bad...i think it sone of the reasons why its so hard for me to let it go..i felt low and used by him....he said he was having sex with me because "he was still very attracted to me but no emotions were involved" ouch!

 

 

However ever since that I stopped talking to him and called him once to which he said he was gonna call back but never did...then he was texting me..at first i would respond then i completely stopped responding. it has been 3 weeks now. I have too many emotions involved in this...it makes it hard to let go because I keep gettin all different advice...my friends say "he may want u back or misses u thats y he texts u" others say hes releasing his guilt or whatever..some people tell me to text him, others say to let it be....its driving me crazy!!!! i dont know what to listen to

[BCCA]

I AM desperate to get him back. I came here to ask for advice on how NOT to show IM despearte

 

See the catch-22 here? Since you admit to being somewhat desperate, the only think you can show him is nothing. Dont let him see you or talk to you at all, at least until youre over it and in a better place to communicate.

[wowIlose]

I'm sorry, I dont understand this. What do desperation and confidence have anything to do with each other? I never said I'm not confident or that my ex isnt attracted to me, he claimed to be..he just wants to be "on his own" or whatever. And I have dated someone else (if you can read my full story on breaks and brekaing up) and my problem is that I have tried all those things but I cant shake my ex. Yeah I kinda do feel like I dont have a life but even when i go out I STILL miss him even more.

 

 

I do understand where you're coming from with the whole idea that the more you want something the less likely you are to get it..but okay what can I say? I really miss him and perhaps I AM desperate to get him back. I came here to ask for advice on how NOT to show IM despearte... (lol)

 

Its simple. Stop acting desperate.

 

Desperation

- Keeping frequent contact

- Picking up every call

- Taking every chance you can to get back with him

- texting, msn

- writing or posting anything on your myspace or facebook that looks lovey dovey (music videos, silly love notes, status updates).

- Being extremely convenient and doing everything on his terms

- Telling him how you feel about him when he doesnt feel the same way

- being friends when your not over him

- Not having hobbies/activities or interests outside of him.

 

So thats just the desperation part. There is a whole other aspect to getting back your EX and its called attraction. Now guys are physically attracted to a lot of girls, but if he isn't emotionally invested into you then your nothing more to him then some girl he can have sex with.

 

But before you can ever even get to the above you will have to have some time to work on yourself, improve your life and make significant changes while at the same time being in NC. He has to be able to miss you and when he sees you (MONTHS..) down the road he has to be able to notice.

 

If you love him then you'll let him go and focus on yourself first. If your looking for instant gratification and instant results then you'll never get him back.

[Ilovehim]

Its simple. Stop acting desperate.

 

Desperation

- Keeping frequent contact

- Picking up every call

- Taking every chance you can to get back with him

- texting, msn

- writing or posting anything on your myspace or facebook that looks lovey dovey (music videos, silly love notes, status updates).

- Being extremely convenient and doing everything on his terms

- Telling him how you feel about him when he doesnt feel the same way

- being friends when your not over him

- Not having hobbies/activities or interests outside of him.

 

So thats just the desperation part. There is a whole other aspect to getting back your EX and its called attraction. Now guys are physically attracted to a lot of girls, but if he isn't emotionally invested into you then your nothing more to him then some girl he can have sex with.

 

But before you can ever even get to the above you will have to have some time to work on yourself, improve your life and make significant changes while at the same time being in NC. He has to be able to miss you and when he sees you (MONTHS..) down the road he has to be able to notice.

 

If you love him then you'll let him go and focus on yourself first. If your looking for instant gratification and instant results then you'll never get him back.

 

 

wow, that was interesting. it makes sense. i dont think i have acted esperate anymore. i ignored his last text messages (not playing hard to get, just simply didn't know what to say) but now he has thrown the ball in my court. so my question is where do i take it from here?? are u saying i should wait to get over him and try to move on from him THEN make contact as friends and let him know the reason i didnt respond was because i was trying to move on?? what if he misses me and thats why he was texting me...but he has so much pride...with me ignoring him, i know he's never going to contact me again i know him. so like i said if there is ever going to be any contact, it has to come from me. he texted me like 6 times and I just didnt respond because I didnt know how to. So after knowing this as well...what do you suggest I do? why do you think he was texting me?

[Hersheys]

why do you think he was texting me?

 

Keeping tabs on you. See if you're willing to take the bait. See if his bread crumbs are enough to get you to respond.

[Ilovehim]

Keeping tabs on you. See if you're willing to take the bait. See if his bread crumbs are enough to get you to respond.

 

 

texting me 6 times though??

 

If it helps here is what he said in those texts.

 

1. "hey, how have you been? i havent heard from u in awhile. hope you're doing good. "

2. " I saw a pic of jenny (my friends daughter) on facebook and she has gotten BIG."

3. "Look at how bad its raining." (we both like the rain so Im guessing that why he wrote that."

4. " I know I hurt you and Im sorry for that."

5." Hi"

6."hey how are you? we haven't talked in awhile."

 

 

 

Now what do these texts mean??????

[Ilovehim]

and i forgot to add he also wrote me a text saying..

 

 

"hello woman from outer space (nickname he woudl call me because i was out of it sometimes) Hope u have your winter jacket ready. it is FREEZING outside. lol. just wanted to tell you that."

 

 

 

 

 

 

okay...now he has stopped texting me...but would he sent me all these texts if he didnt miss me or had no interest in getting back or even a friendship??? he stopped texting me so as i sadi now the ball is in my court.....and i dont know what to do with it.

[northstar1]

texting me 6 times though??

 

If it helps here is what he said in those texts.

 

1. "hey, how have you been? i havent heard from u in awhile. hope you're doing good. "

2. " I saw a pic of jenny (my friends daughter) on facebook and she has gotten BIG."

3. "Look at how bad its raining." (we both like the rain so Im guessing that why he wrote that."

4. " I know I hurt you and Im sorry for that."

5." Hi"

6."hey how are you? we haven't talked in awhile."

 

 

 

Now what do these texts mean??????

 

It means he's still putting out a lure to see if you will still respond and give him attention. Some call it crumbs.

 

As soon as you reply, it gives him an ego boost.

For him, sending the text is easy and takes no emotional involvement.

 

Keep ignoring them, and him and any updates on his life and he'll get the message.

Sorry, but it's the only way to heal.

[Ilovehim]

wow...

 

 

no positive light of him missing me perhaps?

[Ilovehim]

anyone else?? i wish i could hear some magic words

[wowIlose]

Listen to me.

 

Try to put things in perspective. This guy may not be over you but its your neediness and desperation thats hurting your chances at reconciliation. Its so obvious just by how your reacting on this forum. If its easy to see that here then your not ready to see him, talk to him or be with him. You need to learn to be on your own and happy without him before you can think about getting back together.

 

Now listen. When he texts you 6-7 times text back saying. "Okay. Take care". or something very nonchalant and no matter what he texts back do not reply. Step away, allow yourself a minimum of 30 days with no contact (ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT) to clear your head and focus on you.

 

Spend time with friends. Go do something you always wanted to do but haven't. Put more focus on school/work. Get into the gym and exercise more(helps you feel better), do yoga. During this time it will be very natural to think about your EX but no matter what happens your going to be okay.

 

Respect yourself or he will never respect you. I am telling you right now (I know its hard to think like this right now) but even if this doesn't work out with him there is a million other guys that can make you feel the same way(if you take the chance to get to know some) OR even better then he ever did.

 

No matter if your goal is to reconcile or move on it all starts with you. Take a step back. Let yourself go through the motions of feeling the loss (its normal) and accept how your feeling but don't let it effect your judgment. Avoid looking at his facebook/myspace, being around the same areas and venues for the first little bit.

 

I hope you find the strength and wisdom to realize what you have to do.

[Ilovehim]

Listen to me.

 

Try to put things in perspective. This guy may not be over you but its your neediness and desperation thats hurting your chances at reconciliation. Its so obvious just by how your reacting on this forum. If its easy to see that here then your not ready to see him, talk to him or be with him. You need to learn to be on your own and happy without him before you can think about getting back together.

 

Now listen. When he texts you 6-7 times text back saying. "Okay. Take care". or something very nonchalant and no matter what he texts back do not reply. Step away, allow yourself a minimum of 30 days with no contact (ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT) to clear your head and focus on you.

 

Spend time with friends. Go do something you always wanted to do but haven't. Put more focus on school/work. Get into the gym and exercise more(helps you feel better), do yoga. During this time it will be very natural to think about your EX but no matter what happens your going to be okay.

 

Respect yourself or he will never respect you. I am telling you right now (I know its hard to think like this right now) but even if this doesn't work out with him there is a million other guys that can make you feel the same way(if you take the chance to get to know some) OR even better then he ever did.

 

No matter if your goal is to reconcile or move on it all starts with you. Take a step back. Let yourself go through the motions of feeling the loss (its normal) and accept how your feeling but don't let it effect your judgment. Avoid looking at his facebook/myspace, being around the same areas and venues for the first little bit.

 

I hope you find the strength and wisdom to realize what you have to do.

 

 

it makes sense...thanks...you're right..i should try but my problem is that i have tried to move on and im still stuck so i thout maybe there was something else i could try...thank u for ur advice and yes im perfectly aware of how deperate i am to get him back but thats because im really hurting...and more desperate for advice than anything else cuz im tired of going through this for 7 months...not always bad BUT he is ALWAYS on my head...that is why...

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4fmR3ASeI0g

[CaliGuy]

I'm sorry, I dont understand this. What do desperation and confidence have anything to do with each other? I never said I'm not confident or that my ex isnt attracted to me, he claimed to be..he just wants to be "on his own" or whatever. And I have dated someone else (if you can read my full story on breaks and brekaing up) and my problem is that I have tried all those things but I cant shake my ex. Yeah I kinda do feel like I dont have a life but even when i go out I STILL miss him even more.

 

 

I do understand where you're coming from with the whole idea that the more you want something the less likely you are to get it..but okay what can I say? I really miss him and perhaps I AM desperate to get him back. I came here to ask for advice on how NOT to show IM despearte... (lol)

 

 

Your whole post reads of desperation. And your ex will be able to smell it. You might think you are confident, but I don't believe you.

 

If you were, you wouldn't be here. You would know the guy is coming back and bide your time with other, wholesome activity. (<--- this is how to show you are not desperate, because you know even if he doesn't come back, someone better will come along. You feeling me here?)

[SRV]

texting me 6 times though??

 

If it helps here is what he said in those texts.

 

1. "hey, how have you been? i havent heard from u in awhile. hope you're doing good. "

2. " I saw a pic of jenny (my friends daughter) on facebook and she has gotten BIG."

3. "Look at how bad its raining." (we both like the rain so Im guessing that why he wrote that."

4. " I know I hurt you and Im sorry for that."

5." Hi"

6."hey how are you? we haven't talked in awhile."

 

 

 

Now what do these texts mean??????

 

You are reading too much into it. He is simply proding.

 

Don't read too much into it, normally unless they comeback and say that they want you back, its best to move on then it might happen but do not count on it.

[Ilovehim]

Im letting go, or else I'll go insane. Thanks for your posts!