alexmarie Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Hello all, I just signed up here and I'm trying out a new way to get some advice, hopefully this site will be helpful because I really need it. My boyfriend and I of 3 1/2 years recently got engaged after moving to the Los Angeles area about 6 months ago. When we first moved everything was great, it was the first time we lived together and it seemed to be working out great. Now we are having a really hard time. I have a real problem not getting into arguments with him in front of other people and it is severely damaging our relationship. The biggest problem is I don't seem to know when is appropriate to make comments and point things out and when in not. It has gotten to the point that he says I act so badly in front of other people that he just gets mad at any little thing that I say. He will either get mad and not talk to me for the rest of the night or he will act like nothing happened and then we will get into a fight the next day. I know that I need to work on things but I am having a really hard time going about it. Whenever we fight now he brings up the times I acted out in front of friends or I was rude and he tells me I am immature and childish. I am worried that this is going to make or break our relationship and I am willing to work on it as best I can. Any advice you could give me I would greatly appreciate. How do I force myself to just let things go to not cause a fight? Or how do I pretend to be happy in front of others when I am really not?
runner Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 first thing you do is excuse yourself and your boyfriend to someplace more appropriate, like far off in a field or in the car, and then let hell break lose. it's about restraint. a lack thereof shows immaturity and inconsideration to others who quite frankly don't give a toss about your relationship issues - in public i mean. i'm sure others on this board can help you with the relationship stuff. keep calm and carry on
kdark Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 I'd say look at what kind of things you are fighting about. Are they legitimate issues? Or is it that the bacon is just too crispy?
Geishawhelk Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 I hate to say it, but you seem to be taking all the responsibility for this public display of anger... and his criticisms on the face of it seem to belittle you and sound humiliating... It takes two to tango... Does he argue back? From what I read here, he seems to be controlling, manipulative and self-superior.... He's grinding you down and putting it all on you. is this fair? I don't think so. Suggest counselling. If he refuses, then you know he's running from something.... Or keeping you where he wants you. Don't like the sound of the one-sidedness of this.....
SoulSearch_CO Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Out of respect from him, it's best to not pick him apart in front of other people. It makes him look bad in front of other people - that he has chosen somebody so critical, that he has now done something "wrong" to be berated for, and then whatever his reaction he has to your criticism could make him look bad. How do you stop? In that moment when you want to nitpick him stop and ask yourself, "Are my slighted feelings more important, or him?" Because if you keep doing what you're doing, you will lose him. You're acting like his mother. Does he act differently in front of other people than he does when it's just you? I know my mom had an ex that would demean her in front of people - that I would definitely be calling him on. But if it's something else and it can wait, then freaking wait. Or if it's something that just HAS to be addressed, kindly pull him aside (without making it look like he's being pulled aside to be berated) and speak to him about it in hushed tones. You can let him know what it was that bothered you, but then tell him that you two can address it later. Just like fighting in front of the kids, I don't think it's a good idea to fight in front of other people. If that's all they know of you, they'll assume that all you two do is fight. And if he decides to confide in somebody that has only seen you two fight, most likely they'll say to ditch you because you're too critical. I think it's important to present a united front. Out of respect for him and the relationship - STOP berating and picking fights in public. I also wanted to add, though... It's not appropriate of him to drag up the past when a new argument ensues. Like he's using it as "evidence" of how horrible you are. That's just wrong. Things that happened in the past are just that. And if he wants new results in this relationship, then he gets to stop doing that. I agree with Geisha on the counseling thing - maybe you can both find new ways to communicate.
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