calazhage Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 From reading these threads, and from my own personal experience, it seems "Taking someone for granted" is what should be striven for in a relationship. I do not mean neglect, ignore, play games, or be disrespectful. I mean one should be comfortable enough to concentrate on their own life fully, and just KNOW the other person will be there. Maybe when someone fulfills your emotional needs, there is no need to be clingy, or needy, or worry about whom calls whom or when, etc. Neither party is thinking in such terms. When someone withholds what we want from them – love, sex, affection (or if we perceive a possible threat to their love for us), it increases our neediness for them. When we feel secure and all or most of our needs are reasonably met, we are generally able to function quite independently ,as long as we know that our loved one is feeling pretty much the same way about us as we feel about them. So if someone is sick, has to cancel etc, it is completely normal and accepted. Under these secure conditions, we don’t have to be reassured every five minutes. We can go about our independent business , get together with other friends, take care of personal business , confidently knowing that they are there for us somewhere in the background. We feel empowered by this sense of security. When we feel secure like this, our loved one becomes our “background object.” Something I think many people hate to be, so they try to "control" the relationship through being aloof, unavailable, game playing, etc. This makes one more "needy", and the other tends to feel more "smothered'. So basically if you find yourself thinking of the other too often, it is a sign of an unhealthy relationship.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 I agree with this. You have made some good points here.
openbook08 Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 I do not mean neglect, ignore, play games, or be disrespectful. I mean one should be comfortable enough to concentrate on their own life fully, and just KNOW the other person will be there. Maybe when someone fulfills your emotional needs, there is no need to be clingy, or needy, or worry about whom calls whom or when, etc. Neither party is thinking in such terms. When someone withholds what we want from them – love, sex, affection (or if we perceive a possible threat to their love for us), it increases our neediness for them. When we feel secure and all or most of our needs are reasonably met, we are generally able to function quite independently ,as long as we know that our loved one is feeling pretty much the same way about us as we feel about them. So if someone is sick, has to cancel etc, it is completely normal and accepted. Under these secure conditions, we don’t have to be reassured every five minutes. We can go about our independent business , get together with other friends, take care of personal business , confidently knowing that they are there for us somewhere in the background. We feel empowered by this sense of security. When we feel secure like this, our loved one becomes our “background object.” Something I think many people hate to be, so they try to "control" the relationship through being aloof, unavailable, game playing, etc. This makes one more "needy", and the other tends to feel more "smothered'. well thought out! agree with all of the above. after a schitty rship with the ex of 5years i am looking forward to being in a rship as above
mr.dream merchant Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Homeboy made some good points, lmao I think my post is prolly a source of this statement.
hotdancer2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Totally agreed, but you have to get through the neediness phase before you can get to that level of trust that you are talking about. It takes a long time! That is why you have to be happy with yourself, regardless of the other person. My attitude is "This is going to work out, and I am giving him the benefit of the doubt and treating him with loving kindness. However, if it doesn't work out then I know that I will be able to get everything I need from myself and from others that I draw into my life." I think we give off energies, which may not result in us getting what we want, but we get what we need. Life is more enjoyable when you are optimistic. We all need hope.
redant Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 I kind of agree with this but are you saying if one person feels pretty secure the other does not? Maybe both can feel this security. I think the secure can fluctuate but I agree if we are feeling alot insecurity it is an imbalance ugh I have been there.
Author calazhage Posted March 4, 2009 Author Posted March 4, 2009 In a way I think this.. Sometimes the "needy" person is actually the stronger one. As they are willing to open themselves, and are ready for a deeper relationship. The ones whom are always busy,not giving emotionally and feel "smothered" often times have issues that do not allow them to have a relationship. And I am not speaking about a first date, I am speaking of after becoming intimate, dating for a while, etc. The one whom feels "smothered" acts in a way that makes the other needy. If they actually give to the other emotionally, the other person would no longer be needy. But then this would lead to the focus being off the one whom feels "smothered", and would lead to them being "taken for granted". They would lose control. Often times the one whom feels "smothered' barely allows the other to get to know them. I have been in plenty of relationships, and if there is some push/pull dynamic EVER it does not work out. It just flows from the beginning, or it leads to an awkward couple of months, with one person running.
Green Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 From reading these threads, and from my own personal experience, it seems "Taking someone for granted" is what should be striven for in a relationship. I do not mean neglect, ignore, play games, or be disrespectful. I mean one should be comfortable enough to concentrate on their own life fully, and just KNOW the other person will be there. Maybe when someone fulfills your emotional needs, there is no need to be clingy, or needy, or worry about whom calls whom or when, etc. Neither party is thinking in such terms. When someone withholds what we want from them – love, sex, affection (or if we perceive a possible threat to their love for us), it increases our neediness for them. When we feel secure and all or most of our needs are reasonably met, we are generally able to function quite independently ,as long as we know that our loved one is feeling pretty much the same way about us as we feel about them. So if someone is sick, has to cancel etc, it is completely normal and accepted. Under these secure conditions, we don’t have to be reassured every five minutes. We can go about our independent business , get together with other friends, take care of personal business , confidently knowing that they are there for us somewhere in the background. We feel empowered by this sense of security. When we feel secure like this, our loved one becomes our “background object.” Something I think many people hate to be, so they try to "control" the relationship through being aloof, unavailable, game playing, etc. This makes one more "needy", and the other tends to feel more "smothered'. So basically if you find yourself thinking of the other too often, it is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. I respectfully disagree with the entire philosophy and way about thinking of relationships in this thread. You should never take some one for granted because the entire concept of taking something for granted comes from a place of no gratitude. I would hate to feel like my girlfriend was taking me for granted and I can only assume she wouldn't like that treatment from me. I think some games are necessary in a relationship and when you think about it modern relationships are one big game with many rules and formalities. For instance you very well might not answer a call or get back to some one you have just been on one date with... on the other hand if you've just been on one date the rules of the game say you'll look like a creep if you call multiple times when you really want them to pick up so you can say something... but if your relationship has progressed both in time and intamacy it might be perfectly ok to call 3 times in an hour when you really need to get ahold of some one and you wouldn't be worried of all at seeming crazy or needy.. What I don't think is necessary is Dishonesty and deceit games or games meant to control or test people(a little testing is fine). Personaly I may be wrong but I love passion and being in a relationship with passion is incredible. I can need my gf with out being needy. I am confident and believe in myself and my ability to make it if she were to dump me. And that confidence is independent of my gf. I think when you said the needy one may be the stronger one you may have meant the hurt one may be the stronger one... Like if your feelings are hurt by your gfs disrespect that doesn't make you weak and it doesn't make you needy to demand what you reasonably expect out of the relationship. So I just feel that a good relationship involves people greatfull for eachother who cherish eachother and have anything but a sense of intitlement for one another and realise they have to work at it to keep eachother happy
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Green, I think "taking someone for granted" isn't exactly what the OP meant. I think he just meant that instead of worrying all the time whether or not the person is going to call/go out with you, you just sort of "know" that they will be around. I don't think he meant that you don't have gratitude in your life for your SO.
Green Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Green, I think "taking someone for granted" isn't exactly what the OP meant. I think he just meant that instead of worrying all the time whether or not the person is going to call/go out with you, you just sort of "know" that they will be around. I don't think he meant that you don't have gratitude in your life for your SO. he says taking for granted and I think that is what the op meant here I'll quote the begining and conlusion of his post and we can talk about it untill he comes back to further explain From reading these threads, and from my own personal experience, it seems "Taking someone for granted" is what should be striven for in a relationship... ...When we feel secure like this, our loved one becomes our “background object.” Something I think many people hate to be, so they try to "control" the relationship through being aloof, unavailable, game playing, etc. This makes one more "needy", and the other tends to feel more "smothered'. So basically if you find yourself thinking of the other too often, it is a sign of an unhealthy relationship.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Yeah, I understand what you are saying. "Background object" sounds like you don't have that person first and foremost in your mind. They are just sort of "there".
Author calazhage Posted March 4, 2009 Author Posted March 4, 2009 Cherry, exactly.. There is no power play/game/manipulation/ that one does to try and have control over the relationship. Both people give each other enough emotional support that they feel secure..Which allows both people to grow on their own, and take care of what they need to. You "take it for granted "that they are with you, so you can accomplish things, and grow closer to them. A well balanced life. They are not your entire life. Here is an example.. Sally and Joe are dating for 3 months, They are intimate. During the week Sally sends Joe texts/emails/ phone calls to let him know she is thinking of him. Joe does the same, even though both only have time to see each other on weekends. Well, Sally feels sick one weekend. Since she always lets Joe know she cares, Joe is fine with it. He might even go out with friends, or just stay in.. In another example using the same relationship, Sally might be aloof. Joe is pursuing, and Sally does not initiate much. They have fun when together, but during the week she is busy, aloof, etc. She does not contact Joe.She wants Joe to miss her! So one weekend comes, and Sally is sick.. She cancels. Joe is worried...Upset.. Wondering why? He asks questions. He starts wondering if he is wasting his time. Maybe she met someone else? She gets turned off. It is a big deal. In the second example, Sally is afraid to lose control. She knows if she opens herself to Joe, Joe will NOT be needy. He will be living his own life, and in a way she will be "less important" or simply "more in the background". Since Joe does not get much from her in the way of warmth, he at least needs to see her on the weekends to fulfill his emotional requirements. He is not a "needy" person, but a normal one with normal desires and needs that are lacking in the relationship he is in.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 I think that is what is so hard about dating. You aren't just dating people, you are dating their issues. In the second scenario, Sally makes Joe look like he's "needy", when really, he is just a normal person who seeks normal fulfillment in a relationship. I think a lot of us have been on that end of things, and it doesn't feel good. What is really important is to remind yourself that it is ok to have needs, and it is ok to open up to someone. In fact, it is necessary for the relationship to grow, and ultimately more satisfying.
Green Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 the new scenarios don't explain the still flawed taking some one for granted a good sign hypothesis. First of all you fail to relize you can't make a person needy if the guy was confident in himself the girls unexplained cancelation would only upset him and he would see her as flakey for cancleing with out explenation and probably dump her if no emotional investment. Seriously though when you find some one you Love which is something I havn't seen you write about there is magic in that, its like a poem or a song in your heart and its with you all the time and you really can't just take it for granted. And you have made your self vulnerable and if something bad happens like you get cheated on or constantly flaked it won't necesarily make you needy in fact it can't make you needy you had to be that way already it can only hurt you, and you can't avoid getting hurt even if your in a good relationship if some one cancles or break a promise to a loved one its going to hurt.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 It is true that feeling needy has deeper roots. I misspoke, no one can make you feel that way. If you feel like the person is trying to put you in that position, again and again, it is probably time to reconsider the relationship. Green, I like what you wrote about love having magic in it, like a poem or song in your head :love:
Green Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 It is true that feeling needy has deeper roots. I misspoke, no one can make you feel that way. If you feel like the person is trying to put you in that position, again and again, it is probably time to reconsider the relationship. Green, I like what you wrote about love having magic in it, like a poem or song in your head :love: thanks, while this poster means well and has noble motivations I'm sure I want to be in a loving relationship not a healthy relationship as he puts it and I've always been taught never take a person for granted so I couldn't see this being in a relationship manuel
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