Ilovehim Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Hello everyone.. I'm turning to this website as my last hope with a situation that I can't seem to shake...I apologize if it may be a little long but please read and try to help me with some advice on whatever you think is the best thing to do. I was with my ex boyfriend for 3 years but we were friends before that. We broke up this August and I still love him very much. We broke up due to the fact that he "had no longer butterflies for me" and that we were young and had a lot of things to take care of. I am 20 years old and we offcially got together when I was 16 going on 17. He is 20 years old as well. I was his first girlfriend/ first sex first everything...For me he was my second. There 3 things that I can't seem to get over.. 1. longing and missing him 2. my guilt 3. my anger & sadness I must admit that I didn't show him the best of me and that hurts me so much. I made him cry so many times. Prior to us getting together I was still messing around with my ex boyfriend..(the one I had before this one)...I told my b/f about that (my now recent ex) and he was so hurt, he was crying because he said he really had strong feelings for me. I know we weren't together so I probably shouldn't feel guilty but just the fact that I hurt him, bothers me. Then when we got together at times I would really take him for granted. I used to have issues with my anger and used to always yella t him and make him cry at times. It kills me now to look back. Then the anger part is that he hurt me and didnt seem to care about my pain. Yet he gave me a half apology "sorry for hurting you" but never cared to call or anything. He told me he loved me and found himself very attracted to me but didn't want to be with me anymore. He told me this crying at first ssaying he loved me but I put him through so much, he didn't want to deal with it..he said he had his guard up against me because he was tired of dealing with me. Then later on he sayd he just doesn't feel the same way as he did when we first started dating, that he still loved me but that "spark" was not there. At first I cried and tried to get him back but he didnt come back and told me we're NOT getting back. Then he kept on texting me random things. Recently I decided I couldn't be just a "friend" so I stopped responding. Now all contact has been cut off. I miss him so much, I feel like I'm not myself anymore. I don't really go out that much but even when I do I feel like I have this hole in my chest. I'm an emotional and sensitive girl so this hurts me sooo bad. But I feel like seeing me in pain would make him think Im pathetic so I pretended to be okay and strong but I feel so broken. I also feel like I don't have a life, all I do is study and go to school...party ONCE IN AWHILE...and I cant find anyone I can connect with how I did with him, except for my best friend. I was dating this guy but I broke it off because even if it wasnt for my ex, i probably wouldnt like him..but as soon as he kissed me i broke down and missed my ex even more. I really want him back!!! I want to tell him how much this is hurting me, I want to let everything out but Im afraid..it has been 7 months and Im so stuck on him. I feel so much guilt for how I treated him and I dont think its that he didnt love me...I honestly think he just wanted to let go of me because of everything I did...but I have changed SOO MUCH...I want to show him I'm different...even if we become JUST FRIENDS and we never go back out, I just miss him so much!!!!!! I was thinking these are my choices: 1) Go complete NC without telling him and just let it go. 2) Try to remind him of all the good memories and tell him everything I feel, then see what happens from there. 3) be his friend, pretend like im over him and try to get him to feel the "spark" again 4) Just tell him how I feel, apologize for things I did and then go NC 5) what other choices are there?? I dont know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cant let go but I cant keep holding on....Somebody please help me with advice. And please take into consideration the fact that Im hurting REALLY BAD before syaing jsut let it go completely. I want him back more than anything...I would rather be his friend than not have him in my life at all...my love for him goes beyond just being in love..I love him as a friend as well and care about his well being...what do I do????
thegoodlife Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Not to sound harsh but if you loved and cared for him as much as you say you do, you really shouldn't have treated him the way you did when you two were together. But I'm sure you know that so I won't dwell on the fact. It's the typical 'you don't know what you got until it's gone' kinda thing. The only thing I can suggest right now is that you reach out to him to tell him how you feel, tell him that you want to be friends. Whether or not at this point he will agree to listen or to still be friends is entirely up to him though. The most you can do is try, and even if he doesn't go for it you won't be left wondering 'what if I had just tried one more time'. That's your first step and take it from there.
Author Ilovehim Posted March 3, 2009 Author Posted March 3, 2009 Thank you! And I completely understand that and that's why it hurts so much. However I feel like apologizing will only release HIS guilt for hurting me..I fell like I'm only going to justify or make stronger his reasons for leaving me. And I'm in such a bad state emotionally that I dont think I could handle a rejection..esp. after I have ignored his texts because I didn't know how to respond. What should I say to him if I do decide to contact him? Also he made a facebook page because he didn't ahve one before, I sent him a request back when we broke up (the first month) and he didnt accept me. I asked him why and he simply said no reason in particular he just thinks its better if we dont look at each others pages... But it has been so long and I think about him ALL THE TIME! There isn't a minute that he's not on my mind..At nights sometimes I lay awake, and sometimes I feel this heartburn due to all this pain. How do I talk to him again or what can i do to help myself?
thegoodlife Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 If you are going to apologize, your intentions should be because you recognize you didn't treat him the way he deserved and you are truly sorry. If you doing so does happen to cause his guilt to ease and justifies his reasons for leaving you then so be it and good for him. You've just got to keep in mind that although you are hurt, so is (or was) he, and you've both an obligation to yourselves to do what is right for you. It's the same as if he chose to forgive you, he should be doing it for himself, not thinking about whether that makes you feel more at peace with yourself. Get it? I do agree with him that it's usually better for exes not to have each other on any social networking sites such as facebook. It only causes obsession over statuses and conversations, jealousy, and all kinds of negative nagging habits that isn't good for either of you. Just give him a call, or text him, ask him if he has time to talk or if he'd like to get together sometime because you've had some things on your mind that you would like to talk to him about. And just be honest with yourself and with him. Also keep in mind though, that sometimes when something is over it's just gotta be over. It sucks and I'm sure most of us on LS can vouch for that. We've all been there before, so if it doesn't work out with him and there's no chance of a reconciliation as friends or more, at least know you've got a whole group of people here to help you get through the tough times.
Author Ilovehim Posted March 3, 2009 Author Posted March 3, 2009 thank u.. what do you suggest i should write on a text?
openbook08 Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 if youre gonna text him please dont go into the ins and outs via a text its such a copout. do as thegoodlife suggest and tell him theres some things you would like to talk about. after that its over to him i guess. you may or may not get a response.
gavinus Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 yes if you are gonna send him a text DO NOT pour your heart and soul into the text, that way if he does not get back to you you still have your dignity left. If he does not get back to you, move on, you can move on if you let yourself or not, the choice is up too you:)
rainbowbrite Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 your story is exactly like mine. i made him cry and he had strong feelings and all that, and i was mean to him. so he dumped me cuz he couldnt take the contanst bs i was putting him through. at first, i did the whole friend thing, and it hurt so much. so i told him not to talk to me ever again, and that i hate him...i basically said that so to push him so far away that this would be a final thing. so anyway, i did the nc thing, and has now been around 4 months of nothing. it is the hardest thing in the world, but i think the best decision for me. btw, we have been broken up the same amount of time. and were the same age as u as well. so i can completely relate. i feel broken over this. i think wut im gona do is start off REALLY REALLY SLOW. i was plannen on just iming him randomly, and see where it goes from there. i think that may be good advice for u too.
Author Ilovehim Posted March 3, 2009 Author Posted March 3, 2009 your story is exactly like mine. i made him cry and he had strong feelings and all that, and i was mean to him. so he dumped me cuz he couldnt take it. i did the nc thing, and has now been around 4 months of nothing. it is the hardest thing in the world, but i think the best decision for me 4 months No contact? have u tried to contact him? ANd to everyone else thank u soo much for your respnses..About my dignity, yeah I dont know if I even have a chance. I tried so much at first and he told me WE ARE NOT GETTING BACK and also he was so so RUDE to me...we would hang out, then he had sex with me and told me it was becuase "he's just simply attracted to me" then he said "no strings attached" I am so hurt about that, I would like to get all these things off my chest because they are weighing me down... He sent me a text a little while ago saying he was sorry for the way he treated me after the break-up...I didnt respond because I was hurt that he would TEXT me that..I thought my tears and suffering were worth at least a phone call...I feel like I need to do this for me (let everything out) but its one of those things where...wellll if i do talk to him and let him know everything..I feel like I'm going to regret it but if I dont I still feel like Im going to regret it.. My friend suggested I talk to him as in "Hi how are you? Sorry I havent had a chance to get back at you, I've been busy with school and exams." But really I have ignored so many of his texts, I feel like with me saying that...he will only not respond...I feel like if I play this game it will only blow up in my face but If I tell him how I still love him and such..he would only act cold and distant since he no longer feels the same...What gives?? In this situations how do you win?? I honestly feel like I cant mov eon untill I let him know everything...it has been 7 months and I still go through this. Its sad I feel like Im going crazy on some real ****.
rainbowbrite Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 4 months No contact? have u tried to contact him? Nope, absolutely nothing on either side. And I still can't get over it either, I was planning on contacting him in about a month.
Author Ilovehim Posted March 4, 2009 Author Posted March 4, 2009 Nope, absolutely nothing on either side. And I still can't get over it either, I was planning on contacting him in about a month. what is your story? why did you two break up? what are you thinking about saying to him? can you explain more?
rainbowbrite Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 what is your story? why did you two break up? what are you thinking about saying to him? can you explain more? Ok so..I'm 22 and hes almost 21. We broke up the last few days of Aug. We didnt go out long...6 months. but it was very emotional, intense, and passionate immediately. he was very attached to me, he told me he loved me in 4 days, i kno it sounds rediculous. but i loved him then too. i started despising him because he spent more time at his job than he did with me, so i would pick fights and treat him like crap. and it got so bad, that i could get him to cry over dumb things i did, so it was like a power trip for me. i kept hurting him, but to me, it was like haha, hes so obsessed with me, i can get him to do anything i want. i kno, im messed up. anyway, he finally has it and dumps me because he says he was too pissed off at me for hurting him all the time, and he cant be with someone who will continuesly betray him and his trust. he asks me to be his friend, i say yah. he calls me 2 days later, and a bunch of times later than week. i ignore him. he writes me a letter saying to convince him i changed, and that we can work it out. i ignored him, and sed i dont wana go out again, i just wana be ur friend. sooo wut does he do? he gets a new girl and ims me to tell me all about how awesome she is. i keep up the friend thing. pointless ims and phone calls. until one day i crack and im like...i have feelings for u. do u wana make this work. and he goes...i thought u just wanted to be my friend. and im like ... i thought thats wut u wanted. and hes just confused. he says ok lets talk on aim some more and see if we can make it work. so im like cool. and then he tells me that his rebound chick just dumped him, and hes not over her, and would pick her over me. so then i write him this psycho letter telling him i hate him , and that i never want anything to do with him ever gain, and not to try to contact me, because i will ignore u. and that was the end of november, i have not made any contact, nor has he. i feel awful, i caused this entire thing by not taking him back, and being disrespectful to him and his feelings. long story short, i want him to forget about me for a while. thats why im just gona instant message him like hey or sumtn and see where it goes. im not gona spill my heart or anything. i just wana kinda restart, because i kno he is still attracted to me physically, i just need him to see me in a new emotional light.
Author Ilovehim Posted March 4, 2009 Author Posted March 4, 2009 Ok so..I'm 22 and hes almost 21. We broke up the last few days of Aug. We didnt go out long...6 months. but it was very emotional, intense, and passionate immediately. he was very attached to me, he told me he loved me in 4 days, i kno it sounds rediculous. but i loved him then too. i started despising him because he spent more time at his job than he did with me, so i would pick fights and treat him like crap. and it got so bad, that i could get him to cry over dumb things i did, so it was like a power trip for me. i kept hurting him, but to me, it was like haha, hes so obsessed with me, i can get him to do anything i want. i kno, im messed up. anyway, he finally has it and dumps me because he says he was too pissed off at me for hurting him all the time, and he cant be with someone who will continuesly betray him and his trust. he asks me to be his friend, i say yah. he calls me 2 days later, and a bunch of times later than week. i ignore him. he writes me a letter saying to convince him i changed, and that we can work it out. i ignored him, and sed i dont wana go out again, i just wana be ur friend. sooo wut does he do? he gets a new girl and ims me to tell me all about how awesome she is. i keep up the friend thing. pointless ims and phone calls. until one day i crack and im like...i have feelings for u. do u wana make this work. and he goes...i thought u just wanted to be my friend. and im like ... i thought thats wut u wanted. and hes just confused. he says ok lets talk on aim some more and see if we can make it work. so im like cool. and then he tells me that his rebound chick just dumped him, and hes not over her, and would pick her over me. so then i write him this psycho letter telling him i hate him , and that i never want anything to do with him ever gain, and not to try to contact me, because i will ignore u. and that was the end of november, i have not made any contact, nor has he. i feel awful, i caused this entire thing by not taking him back, and being disrespectful to him and his feelings. long story short, i want him to forget about me for a while. thats why im just gona instant message him like hey or sumtn and see where it goes. im not gona spill my heart or anything. i just wana kinda restart, because i kno he is still attracted to me physically, i just need him to see me in a new emotional light. wow...your story is interesting....im sorry to hear that...im thinking about doing the same thing. probably contact him after awhile.
rainbowbrite Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 wow...your story is interesting....im sorry to hear that...im thinking about doing the same thing. probably contact him after awhile. thanks. ya it helps to stop talking to them after a while, you feel in control of the situation because there not there to hurt you anymore. and when you feel ready, talk to him again, but i wouldnt for months and months. i kno it sounds awful, but if its true love, it will happen, i believe that.
Author Ilovehim Posted March 4, 2009 Author Posted March 4, 2009 yeah the thing with me is that i have become a MESS, im messing up right n left in school....really...torn apart...im just tired of it all.
LakesideDream Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Hello everyone.. I'm turning to this website as my last hope with a situation that I can't seem to shake...I apologize if it may be a little long but please read and try to help me with some advice on whatever you think is the best thing to do. I was with my ex boyfriend for 3 years but we were friends before that. We broke up this August and I still love him very much. We broke up due to the fact that he "had no longer butterflies for me" and that we were young and had a lot of things to take care of. I am 20 years old and we offcially got together when I was 16 going on 17. He is 20 years old as well. I was his first girlfriend/ first sex first everything...For me he was my second. There 3 things that I can't seem to get over.. 1. longing and missing him 2. my guilt 3. my anger & sadness I must admit that I didn't show him the best of me and that hurts me so much. I made him cry so many times. Prior to us getting together I was still messing around with my ex boyfriend..(the one I had before this one)...I told my b/f about that (my now recent ex) and he was so hurt, he was crying because he said he really had strong feelings for me. I know we weren't together so I probably shouldn't feel guilty but just the fact that I hurt him, bothers me. Then when we got together at times I would really take him for granted. I used to have issues with my anger and used to always yella t him and make him cry at times. It kills me now to look back. Then the anger part is that he hurt me and didnt seem to care about my pain. Yet he gave me a half apology "sorry for hurting you" but never cared to call or anything. He told me he loved me and found himself very attracted to me but didn't want to be with me anymore. He told me this crying at first ssaying he loved me but I put him through so much, he didn't want to deal with it..he said he had his guard up against me because he was tired of dealing with me. Then later on he sayd he just doesn't feel the same way as he did when we first started dating, that he still loved me but that "spark" was not there. At first I cried and tried to get him back but he didnt come back and told me we're NOT getting back. Then he kept on texting me random things. Recently I decided I couldn't be just a "friend" so I stopped responding. Now all contact has been cut off. I miss him so much, I feel like I'm not myself anymore. I don't really go out that much but even when I do I feel like I have this hole in my chest. I'm an emotional and sensitive girl so this hurts me sooo bad. But I feel like seeing me in pain would make him think Im pathetic so I pretended to be okay and strong but I feel so broken. I also feel like I don't have a life, all I do is study and go to school...party ONCE IN AWHILE...and I cant find anyone I can connect with how I did with him, except for my best friend. I was dating this guy but I broke it off because even if it wasnt for my ex, i probably wouldnt like him..but as soon as he kissed me i broke down and missed my ex even more. I really want him back!!! I want to tell him how much this is hurting me, I want to let everything out but Im afraid..it has been 7 months and Im so stuck on him. I feel so much guilt for how I treated him and I dont think its that he didnt love me...I honestly think he just wanted to let go of me because of everything I did...but I have changed SOO MUCH...I want to show him I'm different...even if we become JUST FRIENDS and we never go back out, I just miss him so much!!!!!! I was thinking these are my choices: 1) Go complete NC without telling him and just let it go. 2) Try to remind him of all the good memories and tell him everything I feel, then see what happens from there. 3) be his friend, pretend like im over him and try to get him to feel the "spark" again 4) Just tell him how I feel, apologize for things I did and then go NC 5) what other choices are there?? I dont know what to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cant let go but I cant keep holding on....Somebody please help me with advice. And please take into consideration the fact that Im hurting REALLY BAD before syaing jsut let it go completely. I want him back more than anything...I would rather be his friend than not have him in my life at all...my love for him goes beyond just being in love..I love him as a friend as well and care about his well being...what do I do???? ILH, gleening everything from what you wrote in your original post it appears that your latest ex BF is mature for his years and has a good head on his shoulders. He made the right decision. Be happy for him. Use what you learned in the future. This relationship is in the past.
Author Ilovehim Posted March 4, 2009 Author Posted March 4, 2009 ILH, gleening everything from what you wrote in your original post it appears that your latest ex BF is mature for his years and has a good head on his shoulders. He made the right decision. Be happy for him. Use what you learned in the future. This relationship is in the past. wow "he made the right decision" please be alittle more sensitive..i love him even after 7 months im still hurting and missing him..dont come saying he made the right decision just because i made some mistakes. try to be a little more understanding.
IcemanJB Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 wow "he made the right decision" please be alittle more sensitive..i love him even after 7 months im still hurting and missing him..dont come saying he made the right decision just because i made some mistakes. try to be a little more understanding. We've all been in this situation. It takes awhile to realize that how you're feeling really doesn't matter much in the breakup. It's all about how you cope and apply the things you've learned. I have to agree with Lakeside.
LoveUrselfFirst Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 I mean first step is to apologize but not to progress that you still have feelings for him and that you want to get back with him....I know that sounds harsh and let me explain to you why. Apologizing is the first step to realizing that you were wrong for hurting him by all the yelling and mistreating him when he was a good guy to you, or so you made it out on the post. Do not say that you still love him and you want him back blah blah even though I know you do because than he will resent you more. Let him have his space and see what may bring from it in the future. You obviously are hurt because not only did you realize that you lost the love for this guy after you broke up, but the fact that you NOW realized that he didn't deserve the treatment. Don't text him. If you have his mailing address I would say purchase a card with hello (nothing sentimental like I miss you or I love you), and start off with I just want to apologize... If you don't have his mailing address send him an email. It's a start to admitting your faults, but don't expect to be his girlfriend (maybe not now at this moment or even never), but knowing that you stepped up as a young woman and apologized for your fault during and after the relationship will help you move forward.
Author Ilovehim Posted March 4, 2009 Author Posted March 4, 2009 yes i made mistakes during the realtionship which I do regret and he was a good guy... HOWEVER he was really cold and hurt me very bad after breaking up with me and ALSO he did some things during the relationship. I will write him a letter but wont send it and if it still matters, I'll make sure to talk to him and let him know everything WHEN i have moved on and am in a better place...when Im able to forgive him and myself. I know we are over. I realized that because it has been 7 months and I need to let go. Thank you so much everyone for listening and for giving me advice. God bless!
Author Ilovehim Posted March 4, 2009 Author Posted March 4, 2009 And I also need to let go of the regret I have for having sex with him AFTER we were broken up. Im not embarrased of the crying and begging because those were sincere feelings but i am embarrased of having sex with him...especially because of how desperate I acted...it has been a tough journey...because my relationship was complex...i think it would ahve been easier to let go if it wasnt for all the extra baggage...I will write the letter to ease my mind, express everything but NOT send it....Im moving on!
LoveUrselfFirst Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 And I also need to let go of the regret I have for having sex with him AFTER we were broken up. Im not embarrased of the crying and begging because those were sincere feelings but i am embarrased of having sex with him...especially because of how desperate I acted...it has been a tough journey...because my relationship was complex...i think it would ahve been easier to let go if it wasnt for all the extra baggage...I will write the letter to ease my mind, express everything but NOT send it....Im moving on! It doesn't matter if it's 7 months and your are still hurt..when you are ready to move on, you'll know. Also why do you regret sleeping with someone else if you two were already broken up? Things will get better for you girl....trust me.
Recommended Posts