Planofool Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Blind trust makes things so easy. You never have to worry about who they are with or what they are doing. It is all innocent with blind trust. You never believe they can do anything to hurt you. In my case I can't forgive until she is truly remorseful, and so far she hasn't shown that to me. Like I said in the other post she still doesn't think she had an EA.
Owl Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Owl, why bother with the uphill climb of trusting someone again, who's already shown you they can't be trusted? That's self-defeating. That's right in line with my question... If you've decided that you'll never trust ANYONE that "blindly" again...and they've demonstrated changes and remorse...what makes trusting them any worse than trusting someone new? It's not self-defeating if you think about it...you're taking the SAME risk with ANYONE you meet. But if the person who betrayed your trust once truly does appear to have learned from their own stupidity...does that make them a worse choice than a stranger...or a better one than someone who may not have gone through that same painful learning process?
Trialbyfire Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 That's right in line with my question... If you've decided that you'll never trust ANYONE that "blindly" again...and they've demonstrated changes and remorse...what makes trusting them any worse than trusting someone new? It's not self-defeating if you think about it...you're taking the SAME risk with ANYONE you meet. But if the person who betrayed your trust once truly does appear to have learned from their own stupidity...does that make them a worse choice than a stranger...or a better one than someone who may not have gone through that same painful learning process?I've checked out my fiancé in ways that people don't want to know. It's something I didn't do with my ex-H and lived to regret it. To the best of my current knowledge, he is who he says he is. His actions and words match. Until he proves otherwise, I trust him. With my ex-H, sure, he showed he was remorseful. He showed he was remorseful for over 2 years. If I had gotten back with him, how do I know that he would be remorseful for the rest of his life? All I have is back history that proves he's incapable of keeping his vows and looks for external validation to a dysfunctional degree. So, I can weigh both. I have a man who hasn't violated my trust, with no red flags. Then there's my ex-H who has violated his given word before God and every...single...loved one. The choice is blatantly easy.
HappyAtLast Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 The older I get, the less I think that blind trust has anything to do with marital fidelity, or the lack thereof. Humans beings, all of us, are flawed. Despite our best efforts, despite our best intentions, despite our love for our fellow man or our partners, we still screw up. We make mistakes that hurt the people that we truly love. It seems me that it is unfair to put blind faith in any other human, because to do that asks them to not BE human.
Owl Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 I can absolutely see your point, TBF. And interestingly enough, my own personal experience bears up my views as well. My wife learned from our "time of trouble". Her boundaries with others are pretty ironclad now...she doesn't give them the CHANCE to get close enough to let anything start. She changed her mindset about that, reorganized her priorities completely, and in short become a FAR, FAR better wife than she'd been before. Where in my own case, I highly doubt I would ever give someone else the chance to get that close to me again. I really just don't trust people all that much, and don't care to get close to them. So given the "new wife" I have now...it worked out perfectly for me. It sounds to me like EITHER way could work...depending on many factors.
HappyAtLast Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 So, I can weigh both. I have a man who hasn't violated my trust, with no red flags. Then there's my ex-H who has violated his given word before God and every...single...loved one. The choice is blatantly easy. The flaw in your logic is that, unfortunately, you cannot know whether he has ever violated anothers' trust. Must he have never cheated on anyone for your logic to hold true?
65tr6 Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 But if the "blind faith" is gone regardless...and if your spouse does seem to "get it", makes all the appropriate changes, and you opt to give them that chance...? I am several months into recovery.....In the beginning I shuddered at the very thought of not blindly trusting my wife anymore. I thought we could not move forward without it. I was doubting her every move. It changed significantly in the last two months. Ofcourse she being in total NC helped a lot. I trust her but also verify which I NEVER did before. She may not know exactly what I do to verify but I can tell she knows I am watching her every move.....not spying but am much more alert to what she says and does....Very attentive...More on the lines of "you made a complete fool out of me once before but watch out....dont even think about it if you want this to work".....Make sense ? I will continue to verify until I no longer feel the need. I dont think it is a bad thing. Not to blindly trust anyone.
HappyAtLast Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 I can absolutely see your point, TBF. And interestingly enough, my own personal experience bears up my views as well. My wife learned from our "time of trouble". Her boundaries with others are pretty ironclad now...she doesn't give them the CHANCE to get close enough to let anything start. She changed her mindset about that, reorganized her priorities completely, and in short become a FAR, FAR better wife than she'd been before. Where in my own case, I highly doubt I would ever give someone else the chance to get that close to me again. I really just don't trust people all that much, and don't care to get close to them. So given the "new wife" I have now...it worked out perfectly for me. It sounds to me like EITHER way could work...depending on many factors. Owl brings up an excellent point. My wife and I began as an affair many years ago. Therefore she knew that I was capable of cheating. Because it was (I say was because I am too darned old to cheat now) very important to me that she feel able to trust me, I also established very firm boundaries for myself that I stayed well within, because I wanted her to feel secure in our marriage. This awareness has made me a much better partner than I probably would have been had I not cheated (strange as that may seem). So the "either way could work" comment, was true in my case.
65tr6 Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 It seems me that it is unfair to put blind faith in any other human, because to do that asks them to not BE human. very nice point. That is how I see it too. I see my wife as "flawed" and cannot be blindly trusted, as we recover, when it comes to relationship issues. She can actually use some help....someone watching over her.
Trialbyfire Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 The flaw in your logic is that, unfortunately, you cannot know whether he has ever violated anothers' trust. Must he have never cheated on anyone for your logic to hold true? My fiancé has never cheated on anyone. He's never even had a one night stand. A relationship-style man. Do I know this 100%? No. Only what I've verified through him, third party sources and other agencies. My gut instincts have always remained passive with this man, where in the past, even with my ex-H, I ignored red flags. I've instinctually trusted my fiancé and will believe him, unless he proves me wrong by violating my trust. If my gut alarm kicks in again, like with my ex-H and others, I will be listening with ears and empathy ports wide open.
giveuporfight Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 I don't think I could be with someone I didn't blindly trust. I trusted my xhusband to never do the dirty on me, but he did. He trusted me to not to stray in our marriage, and I didn't. There are those that can be trusted and those that can't..the trick is to find someone just as trusting as you are. Wouldn't that be wonderful? Complete trust in the other person? We're not all snakes in the grass, there are many people out there that would NEVER cheat..no matter what. Naive? C'mon, there are decent people out there, I'm living proof of that and there is no way on this planet I am the only one. Why be with someone you can't blindly trust? When the trust is gone...how on earth do you get it back and more importantly...why would you bother? Big time character flaw...the cheater crushes the spouse with an affair and if they can do it once...they will do it again.
HappyAtLast Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 My fiancé has never cheated on anyone. He's never even had a one night stand. A relationship-style man. Do I know this 100%? No. Only what I've verified through him, third party sources and other agencies. My gut instincts have always remained passive with this man, where in the past, even with my ex-H, I ignored red flags. I've instinctually trusted my fiancé and will believe him, unless he proves me wrong by violating my trust. If my gut alarm kicks in again, like with my ex-H and others, I will be listening with ears and empathy ports wide open. Good for you, we can certainly never know for 100% what someone has or hasn't, will or won't do. But - listening to your gut it is a great plan. It has never failed me. Good Luck
HappyAtLast Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 I don't think I could be with someone I didn't blindly trust. I trusted my xhusband to never do the dirty on me, but he did. He trusted me to not to stray in our marriage, and I didn't. There are those that can be trusted and those that can't..the trick is to find someone just as trusting as you are. Wouldn't that be wonderful? Complete trust in the other person? We're not all snakes in the grass, there are many people out there that would NEVER cheat..no matter what. Naive? C'mon, there are decent people out there, I'm living proof of that and there is no way on this planet I am the only one. Why be with someone you can't blindly trust? When the trust is gone...how on earth do you get it back and more importantly...why would you bother? Big time character flaw...the cheater crushes the spouse with an affair and if they can do it once...they will do it again.'' But is blind trust REALLY just about cheating? There are men who loose their jobs, are desperate for their wives to never find out (out of some misguided desire to protect) and liquidate savings to pay bills... all the while bankrupting the family without the wife knowing. Is he still a decent person? Would you still blindly trust him?
Trialbyfire Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Good for you, we can certainly never know for 100% what someone has or hasn't, will or won't do. But - listening to your gut it is a great plan. It has never failed me. Good Luck Gut is something else, isn't it? It's always bang on! Thanks. You too.
giveuporfight Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 '' But is blind trust REALLY just about cheating? There are men who loose their jobs, are desperate for their wives to never find out (out of some misguided desire to protect) and liquidate savings to pay bills... all the while bankrupting the family without the wife knowing. Is he still a decent person? Would you still blindly trust him? Yes, he would still be a decent person and like you say...misguided. Would I blindly trust him not to do it again? No, probably not. Would I leave him over this? No.
Reggie Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 very nice point. That is how I see it too. I see my wife as "flawed" and cannot be blindly trusted, as we recover, when it comes to relationship issues. She can actually use some help....someone watching over her. I would not say it is unfair, as one is relying on the representations made via the vows. Unwise, maybe. But, the initial commitmemt was one undertaken freely, and expecting people to stick to their word is not unfair, at all. Rather , it is unfair to either misrepresent one's commitment or change it unilaterally without prior notice. In any case, once someone demonstrates that he or she is not trustworthy, I feel it is not a good idea to put complete trust in that person. There are people that steadfastly keep their promises under the most difficult of circumstances. By cheating, a person lets you know he or she is not in that group.
Author jasminetea Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 Blimey, so no one bar me thinks that blind trust in someone is not necessarily a desirable thing to have? No one else thinks its a burden for the person who's trusted to carry? No one else thinks it absolves the truster of responsibility for their own happiness? Everyone else is going round all bitter and twisted and not trusting anyone because of one person's actions?
Reggie Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Blimey, so no one bar me thinks that blind trust in someone is not necessarily a desirable thing to have? No one else thinks its a burden for the person who's trusted to carry? No one else thinks it absolves the truster of responsibility for their own happiness? Everyone else is going round all bitter and twisted and not trusting anyone because of one person's actions? Right for me. I wish I could give blind trust and think it places no burden on the one trusted. How could it impose a burden? One would have to accept it as imposing a duty for it to do that. ANd, accepting it would be done of free will. You cannot impose this on another without his or her freely accepting it.
HappyAtLast Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Blimey, so no one bar me thinks that blind trust in someone is not necessarily a desirable thing to have? No one else thinks its a burden for the person who's trusted to carry? No one else thinks it absolves the truster of responsibility for their own happiness? Everyone else is going round all bitter and twisted and not trusting anyone because of one person's actions? ?? Have you read my posts? I said that to place blind trust in a person is to expect them to not be "human". Blind trust is not a good thing to have in any person but yourself? I guess my posts weren't clear?
65tr6 Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 How could it impose a burden? One would have to accept it as imposing a duty for it to do that. exactly.....why dont we accept that someone "screwed up" ? Ofcourse it is not business as usual. Someone messed up and they need to fix it...They need to earn the trust back. Let's say I had the affair crushing my wife's trust in me, I would expect my wife not to blindly trust me. Sensible thing to do.
HeidiB125 Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 I know that my husband blindly trusts me. I have never given him any reason to doubt my word or question my integrity. He still has for me what I once had for him. I am open and honest. I would never hurt or deceive him the way he has hurt and deceived me. Wherever I go, whoever I'm with, whatever I do is never questioned by him because he knows I will never betray him and he is 100% right. He has complete freedom from anxiety about me. I had that once and it was WONDERFUL! That is gone forever and it would carry over to any new relationship. I think that is something that a cheating spouse can never fully realize or repair.
HappyAtLast Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 I know that my husband blindly trusts me. I have never given him any reason to doubt my word or question my integrity. He still has for me what I once had for him. I am open and honest. I would never hurt or deceive him the way he has hurt and deceived me. Wherever I go, whoever I'm with, whatever I do is never questioned by him because he knows I will never betray him and he is 100% right. He has complete freedom from anxiety about me. I had that once and it was WONDERFUL! That is gone forever and it would carry over to any new relationship. I think that is something that a cheating spouse can never fully realize or repair. What you have written saddens me greatly. Can you really be happy this way, with this man? It does not sound like this is a recipe for success
HeidiB125 Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 It is what it is. Something is now lost that can never be gotten back. It is something to be sad about. It's the price people pay for infidelity. You can't candy coat this and the more that people realize the far reaching effects that cheating causes, perhaps it can change their perspective on their actions. I will be first to say that I don't "want" to go through what I'm going through but here it is. Am I going to rise up to bring something good out of what happened...a better marriage, better communication, my children not having to bare the burden of divorce, etc. I choose that. I could have just given into the lose that I'm feeling but I don't want that. I want to take something that could have destroyed and use it to rebuild. That's my choice and my husband's choice. Like anything traumatic that happens in life you have to choose what you take from it. There is sadness but there is also joy and happiness.
HappyAtLast Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 It sounds to me then like you have a very good head on your shoulders and a very realistic view of the world, two VERY important things. Be Happy.
Spark1111 Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 Blimey, so no one bar me thinks that blind trust in someone is not necessarily a desirable thing to have? No one else thinks its a burden for the person who's trusted to carry? No one else thinks it absolves the truster of responsibility for their own happiness? Everyone else is going round all bitter and twisted and not trusting anyone because of one person's actions? I think it is a matter of INTENTION, Jas, in love relationships. I know my children, parents, siblings, spouse are all human and will make mistakes, some of which will hurt me, but I still blindly trust that the mistakes they make were not done so to INTENTIONALLY cause me pain and sorrow. But it is hard to wrap my head about the steady lies, deceptions, loss of affection and attentions from a cheating spouse. At some point, how could they NOT realize they were intentionally destroying all love, trust and respect? I am reponsible for my own happiness. Always have been and always will be. But if I can carry the joyous burden of being blindly trusted by my spouse, shouldn't my SO have at least, tried to afford me the same?
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