jasminetea Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 On Phoenix Rising's thread there is mention of not 'blindly trusting' anyone again after an affair. I was cheated on and I've been hurt by other ways too. So I don't trust people in the same way I did, which I guess would have been 'blindly'. However, I don't feel bitter about it or defensive. I now understand that everyone is only human and will make mistakes and do things that can hurt me. Sometimes they'll do hurtful things unintentionally, sometimes they hurt me because I'm being oversensitive and sometimes those hurtful things are considered immoral. But the difference now is although I can still be very hurt by other's actions, I feel that the onus is on me to first make better choices, i.e. to not put myself in a position where someone can hurt me, and then to accept responsibility in recovering from the hurt and then not allowing it to negatively affect my relationships with other people. Do you blindly trust anyone? Has your affair experience taught you to not do so again? Does it worry you that you won't feel that way about anyone? Do you think you're defensive with others?
Reggie Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 I do miss the blind trust thing. I think it sucks to have to worry about your partner. How do you relax and merely enjoy the relationship if you have to be on guard. It interferes with intimacy for me. I got a real education about people and I wish I had not. I liked who I was.
HappyAtLast Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 I think it is a hard lesson to learn, but people are human and they do sometimes do things that you don't expect. Heck, sometimes we even do things that we thought / said / swore we'd never do. That being the case, the only person you can really blindly trust is yourself. And really, in the scope of life, that is not a bad thing. It's just the way that people come to realize it that is bad.
Spark1111 Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Yes, I too miss the blind trust. I was a happy, optimistic person who loved her family, friends, spouse, and life, warts and all. This enabled me to have a very forgiving and accepting attitude towards myself and others. Now, I only trust myself, and even that is a little skewed. When you have no clue, you will always question how you could have been so clueless. A few more walls have been built around my heart since D-Day. And only time will tell if that is a good, or bad thing.
Reggie Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Been through this in two marriages now. First time, it took me about 2 years to come out of my shell. This time, I think I'm cemented in.It's sort of a relief. Just took myself out of the game and changed my view on what constitutes a full, rich life. I really do not miss the complications of a relationship and am enjoying this quite a bit. At 55 , the testosterone is under control and this is not bad. I'm down to below scratch for the first time in decades and can hit the draw by merely envisioning my XW(I'm serious, this works for me).
Mr. Lucky Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 It's a product of history. Even though my first marriage ended over my Xw's affair, I'd trust my wife now with my life. I think it's something you give until the other person shows it's undeserved... Mr. Lucky
Trialbyfire Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Do you blindly trust anyone? Has your affair experience taught you to not do so again? Does it worry you that you won't feel that way about anyone? Do you think you're defensive with others? I've learned to never blindly trust anyone but myself. Whatever my gut instincts tell me about a person, is what I happily rely on now.
popey Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 I think Spark maybe hit on something with the statement that even trusting yourself gets skewed after a betrayel. I doubt that there is a way to totally protect yourself 100% from the posibility of betrayel, but I'm thinking that a big part of increasing the chances is getting to a strong enough faith in yourself that you actually listen to and understand your own instincts. At least for me, I'm learning that I dismissed my own signals b/c I was convinced that I was being silly or needy when I questioned things.
PhoenixRise Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 I don't regret not having that "blind trust" anymore and I am not overly defensive(at least I don't THINK I am). I think that I have my eyes opened to the fact that even people who love you can hurt you terribly. Not just spouses or SO, but friends, family, business partners etc. I think that losing the blind trust I had made room for me to trust myself more.
Reggie Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 I agree. One benefit is that i trust myself way more. I have good instinct about BS. I just shut them off before. Now, if I err, it's on the side of caution. And, I have concrete evidence that there really are vampires out there.
Author jasminetea Posted March 4, 2009 Author Posted March 4, 2009 It seems that everyone is putting the 'blame' (for want of a better word) for hurt onto others. Are we not responsible at all for how we feel?
lovestory5 Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 I don't trust anybody except my family. These are people I can rely on. All others are strangers and you should be very attentive.
Squirtal Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 I try not to let past hurts efect future things. Maybe I'm not cautious enough..but I trust until I have been proved my trust is mislaid. Then I withdraw it. You're right we all at some point put blame on others for our hurt. But this is where the old saying comes in.."hurt me once shame on you, hurt me twice shame on me!" If the same thing happens over and over again then its time to look at what you are projecting and then maybe take a time out to see if you can change that. Now that worked for me and I managed to break the chain.
Author jasminetea Posted March 4, 2009 Author Posted March 4, 2009 Squirtal, I think we're on the same page. I'm surprised by the number of people not able to let go of a hurt, only to be defensive with every other person, it would seem. I can understand the inclination to do so, but I'm able to recognise my own responsibility in my hurt and take action accordingly. I don't have to be defensive with everyone I initially come into contact with anymore. The sort of trust we're talking about strikes me as being a bit like virginity; its meant to be some sort of amazing quality to have, but in reality it stops one from experiencing the most fantastic emotions. You're going to get hurt, but without experiencing pain, you can't appreciate the pleasure
Reggie Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 I think people do get wiser, if that is the word, about placing trust in others too soon. As for responsibility for the hurt and letting it go, it seems very appropriate to put the responsibility on the injurer and normal to retain some pain. It takes a fairly long time to get over infidelity. I don't feel bad about admitting it affects me and I don't feel the responsibility is misplaced.
2sure Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 I lost blind trust long ago, way before I met my husband. As a child. I simply lived without it. When I married my husband, I honestly thought I had found a piece of it. When he betrayed that - I was sometimes more angry at myself and at my own judgement , than I was at him. It has been 2 years. We are happy. I do trust him and I have forgiven him. Ive posted here recently that my remaining issue seems to be that although I trust him, I still dont trust my judgement. The forgiveness and the recovery after his infidelity was a process that took conscious steps. I'm thinking I'm ready to begin a new process to forgive and trust myself. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the anxiety of not trusting. I'm bored with wondering, being suspicious, of not taking things at face value. It drains me. I am otherwise happy and have a good life. I am robbing myself. I'm thinking it is time for me, finally, to just give it up and blindly trust. And if my trust is betrayed? Hey, I lived. Nobody died. I think it might be worth the risk. And not just for my husband and marriage, but nearly everything. For the first time. I dont know if blind trust is so much about trusting others, or even myself. Its a place I want to take conscious steps to get to. I dunno.
HeidiB125 Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Spark echoed how I felt. I truly trusted my husband to be honest with me. I believed that if he (or I) ever met someone he would want to be with that we would talk about it and at least come to a joint decision about moving forward. Whether it would have been seperation or marriage counselling. I am a different person now. A good example is losing your virginity. I'll never be the person I was before this happened. I absolutely do not look at this as a positive thing. But it is what it is. I have to move forward with this new person that I've become and live with the hand that life (my husband) as dealt to me. I feel bad for what could have been, which we'll never know now. Someone said it best when they said that you can't get over an affair but you can move past it. I am in the process of moving past it and I'm getting stronger every day. I do now live though with the reality that IF anything like this happens again, not children, not love, not years of living happily will stop me from leaving him. I was talking to my sister the other day and I said that I was afraid that what if years down the road he did it again. She said to me that I should stop being afraid and that HE should be afraid because if he ever allowed something like that to happen again. HE would lose ME. That thought empowered me some how. I have a strong need to feel in control now.
Author jasminetea Posted March 4, 2009 Author Posted March 4, 2009 I think people do get wiser, if that is the word, about placing trust in others too soon. As for responsibility for the hurt and letting it go, it seems very appropriate to put the responsibility on the injurer and normal to retain some pain. It takes a fairly long time to get over infidelity. I don't feel bad about admitting it affects me and I don't feel the responsibility is misplaced. Ok, yes, I do agree with you. I suppose I feel that its wrong to automatically distrust everyone because one person has betrayed the trust. Trust but verify Oh, well, there you go - my thoughts summed up in three words! Thank you! There's a big difference between those who have stayed with their WS and their feelings of trust, and those that didn't stay. I guess by leaving, I was able to leave the distrust behind, I didn't have to work at it or live with it.
Spark1111 Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Could you explain please. I don't see what you are talking about. I think we do have a responsibility for how we feel, how we give and gain the trust of others, and how we create personal boundaries in establishing and maintaining relationships. I just seem to resent having to now guard my natural joyous optimism. It makes me safer, yes, but also more jaded. I question whether I can love as deeply as I once did. Ignorance IS bliss. Pain DOES harden one's heart.
Author jasminetea Posted March 4, 2009 Author Posted March 4, 2009 I just seem to resent having to now guard my natural joyous optimism. Do you have to? Isn't it only one person you have to guard against trusting completely? Actually, thinking about it, it could be pretty onerous having the responsibility of someones complete trust, don't you think?
mark982 Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 after my first wifes affair, i lost being able to blindly trust, i've tried relly hard w/ my second wife.but just can't get that trust built up,even though she's never gave me a reason not to.i guess it is like virginity,once you lose it, it'e gone.
Owl Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 So, this begs a question, and I hope this is in line with this thread... If you're NEVER going to regain that "blind trust" with ANYONE...what does that mean when you compare staying and working on reconciling your marriage with the fWS, vs deciding that there's no way to do so? I know that some posters (Dex, Reggie, others) have said that they believe that true reconciliation is impossible...because of that destroyed trust. But if the "blind faith" is gone regardless...and if your spouse does seem to "get it", makes all the appropriate changes, and you opt to give them that chance... Wouldn't it stand to reason then that the destroyed trust isn't the actual barrier? To me, it seems the REAL barrier to reconciliation...in situations where the WS is remorseful and does all that is needed...is the inability to forgive. Not the inability to rebuild trust so much...but the inability to forgive, to give them the chance. Is it the inability to ever trust that person ever again? Does that really follow through when most of us have agreed that we'll never trust ANYONE the same way again? Or is it something else?
Author jasminetea Posted March 4, 2009 Author Posted March 4, 2009 Owl, I really, really like your posts I'm not equipped to answer that question for myself, as I made the decision to leave, but I'm very interested in other's answers. Also, what is it about blind trust that's so great? Seriously, I can't see the benefit of having it for the truster or the trustee. It smacks of a lack of personal responsibility to me.
Trialbyfire Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 after my first wifes affair, i lost being able to blindly trust, i've tried relly hard w/ my second wife.but just can't get that trust built up,even though she's never gave me a reason not to.i guess it is like virginity,once you lose it, it'e gone. Blindly trusting anyone, has rose-coloured goggle implications to it. If the red flags are there, what balanced individual is going to ignore them? For that matter, if you're always looking for red flags, it's possible your gut instinct is telling you something or it's also possible that you don't trust your gut instinct. Owl, why bother with the uphill climb of trusting someone again, who's already shown you they can't be trusted? That's self-defeating. I've forgiven my ex-H completely, as a person. He's got major issues with his NPD. I haven't forgiven his actions since they impacted negatively in my life. As it stands, IF I had tried again with my ex-H, I wouldn't have met my fiancé and opened up to him. Talk about a difference in men and a HUGE loss, if this hadn't happened!
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