How to forgive a cheating spouse?

[LiveandLearn]

After being separated for awhile, my husband and I reconciled. We have been back together for a little over a month now. Things seem to be moving forward. We're in the process of purchasing our first home. We're attending couples counseling. He's been supportive and understanding. He's doing what he can to help me through this.

 

So I'm here looking for any advice for those who have reconciled with their significant other and how you were able to overcome the hurt from the betrayal. Do you feel you have completely forgiven your spouse? I do believe that only with forgiveness can come change. I know once I can completely forgive him, I can let go of all the suffering and not let what had happened control my thoughts and my life, otherwise I'll never be truly happy. But that's the problem I'm having; I'm having trouble getting to that point. I know it won't happen over night, but it's difficult to stay focused on my goal of complete forgiveness when my mind gets trampled by past events and fear of it happening again. Any advice would be much appreciated. Please feel free to share your story.

 

As Confucius put it: "To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it."

[2sure]

Its been 2 years since discovering my H's infidelity. And recently I have come to terms with the fact that I have forgiven him and that I do trust him. The hardest thing, for me lately, has been identifying the difference between trusting him...and trusting my own judgement. So, I'm not all the way there yet.

 

But something I have acknowledged and tried to control recently has helped. I'll try to share it with you.

 

The infidelity was always the first thing to pop into my mind at times of anger with him - anger over anything could and did end up with me throwing up his cheating.

 

EX: He throws the towels on the floor.

I tell him I dont like that.

He does it again the next day.

I think he is treating me like the maid.

I think he doesnt care how I feel.

I think he selfish.

He treats me badly.

He cheated on me.

 

From irritation at finding towels on the shower to floor to reliving his infidelity in one breath. Its just easy to fall back on.

 

So, I'm trying to just stop myself from going there. I dont want to throw it in his face any more. Even if I dont verbalize it - I dont want my mind to jump to that.

Its a conscious effort, but I think I'm getting there.

[LakesideDream]

After being separated for awhile, my husband and I reconciled. We have been back together for a little over a month now. Things seem to be moving forward. We're in the process of purchasing our first home. We're attending couples counseling. He's been supportive and understanding. He's doing what he can to help me through this.

 

So I'm here looking for any advice for those who have reconciled with their significant other and how you were able to overcome the hurt from the betrayal. Do you feel you have completely forgiven your spouse? I do believe that only with forgiveness can come change. I know once I can completely forgive him, I can let go of all the suffering and not let what had happened control my thoughts and my life, otherwise I'll never be truly happy. But that's the problem I'm having; I'm having trouble getting to that point. I know it won't happen over night, but it's difficult to stay focused on my goal of complete forgiveness when my mind gets trampled by past events and fear of it happening again. Any advice would be much appreciated. Please feel free to share your story.

 

As Confucius put it: "To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it."

 

 

L&L, Much depends on how low your expectations are. The truth is that the BS never "forgets" what has gone before and those memories color everything that comes afterward. The only moderating factor is time.

 

If enough time passes without a repeat of the WS's behavior, the memories fade to the back of our minds. Is that "good enough"?

 

I loved my wife with all my being. I tried to "meet her needs" and be the best husband I could be. Read the relevant books, watched the silly talk shows, bought into the whole "men are insensitive" mythos. I worked at my marriage while she continued a very long term affair in secret. I didn't see the signs. I was to busy giving her the space she needed to enhance her personal growth. (sick of the syrup yet?).

 

When her LT affair finally came to light, it killed something inside me. I knew that I would never trust again, never respect her as I always had. I knew that the mental visions of her offering herself with enthusiasm and being penetrated by her lover would dance behind my eyelids every night as I tried to sleep. I knew I couldn't live that way.

 

I made the decision to live alone, after 25 years rather than lower my expectations for the remainder of my life.

[jnj express]

I am going to play devil's advocate here, and i pretty much have a lot of statistics on my side----You do not , this close to D-Day forgive your cheating spouse at all. If you slide this under the rug so to speak or are passive in your reaction to the straying of your H., and if down the line the same situation comes up again that caused him to cheat , he will simply say to himself, "She really did nothing about the cheating the last time I cheated, so why not cheat again, she really won't do much about it, and she will again just take me back" Believe me that will be right out front in his mind if he comes up with a situation where he wants to cheat. Once a cheater, always a cheater, not necessarily so, but many times yes, that does hold true----You forgive nothing at this point. He must learn and realize, he was the one who broke his vows, and it will not be tolerated or allowed again---That at this point is how you change his attitudes toward you and the mge.

[Dexter Morgan]

As Confucius put it: "To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it."

 

Huh? So as long as you can forget it, being wronged is "nothing"?

 

So basically if you were to be able to forget what he did, his cheating isn't a big deal according to Confucious? I'd say big C is full of crap.

[2sure]

I think the quote is spot on.

 

Also, I feel the need to note and mention...that some people are moe able to forgive than others. Some people do not wish to forgive. Whatever works for YOU.

 

Forgiveness is always a possibility and depends most upon the person doing the forgiving. Its a process, it takes steps. Its a decision to undertake the process.

 

I cannot fathom being unforgiving about almost anything. I just dont want to carry it around. Other people remember wrongs and file them for future references.

 

If OP has decided upon the course of forgiveness, explaining why it cant be done just doesnt seem right.

 

And I mention this with no hostility, just bring it up as a point or question, and feel it applies.

[LiveandLearn]

Dexter: That's one way of interpreting that quote. But I think he means (or the way I take it) that being wronged means nothing unless you let it dictate your life in a negative light. I don't think we ever forget, we just don't let it consume us.

 

2sure: I can relate to your "towel" example. I, too, try to steer clear of that way of thinking. I did choose the course of forgiveness. It's the only way if he and I are going to move past this and grow from it and build a stronger marriage/relationship. I don't think it's impossible, but I do think it is difficult.

 

Lakeside: You do pose a good question. But I'm not sure if it's about lowering my expectations. I try not to expect anything, because to expect anything is to be disappointed by everything. I know I need to be cautious, but not to the point where it inhibits progress.

 

jnj: My mind, too, has played devil's advocate. I know it's a risk, but my faith in us and my love for him outweigh those doubts.

[Reggie]

Forgiveness may require an acknowledgement of your pain, acceptaing responsibility and restitution. Most of the requirements for forgiveness lay with the perpetrator. If you get these from him, then you can decide if forgiving is something you want to do or are capable of . But, I feel it is virtually impossible to forgive someone that does not fully own the responsibility, recognize your pain, and try to make things right through restitution.

[LakesideDream]

Forgiveness is a process. Sometimes a daily process or a minute by minute process. It is a up and down process and you have to be willing to give yourself permission to heal.

 

Much truth here. How about this. Many people, receive a huge shock when they find out their spouse is exchanging body fluids with another person outside the marriage.

 

That shock allows the BS to see things with clarity they didn't posess before the shock. Before our noses are rubbing in dog dirt, we hardly notice it on the lawn.

 

When I found out the reality of the situation I began to unravel all those "little things" that wern't little at all. The depth of the betrayal surfaced. When it became apparant than my now ex had been someone elses ****buddy for a very long time, there wasn't a marriage to save, there was nothing to forgive. The marriage was a fraud, 25 years of it.

 

I wonder how many other have come to similar revelations to one extent or another?

[Reggie]

It may be semantics, forgiveness vs acceptance. Janis Abram Spring's book "How Do I Forgive You" talks about this distinction and how either way allows one to move forward and stop the pain. She suggests that in those situations where the required work/responsibility is not forthcoming from the WS, acceptance works as well as forgiveness. It requires one to fully acknowledge the extent and validity of one's own pain and to take responsibility for any contributions in allowing it to happen, a full acknowledgement of the extent of the gravity of the wrondoing( the wrongdoing of the cheater, for example).

It also seems to help if one is in a position to cut the unremorseful cheater out of his/her life. Easier to move on whennot in proximity to them. With kids, it seems to work best if you can stick strictly to kid related issues in communications. And, draw good boundaries if the cheater gets abusive, as they often do.

[Reggie]

It is a pretty good book. Also, Susan Anderson's "Journey from Abandonment to Healing" is really good. She gets into the neurophysiology of the feelings that are unleashed , as well as the personal historical reasons some folks react one way vs another.

I realized that for me, I was taking this pretty hard, more toward the severe end of the getting past it continuum. Helped to look at my history to understand why it was taking me longer to heal.

[Reggie]

Maybe it's neurochemistry. Anyway, she talks a lot about the chemicals released that cause the panic, anxiety etc.

[NewSunrise]

Forgiveness is the "first" step in the process for a BS if the goal is to rebuild the marriage.

 

After wanting a D, xWH asked for forgiveness and if I would reconsider with MC to rebuild M. Forgiving him was a necessary step if the M had a shot of surviving.

 

But it was a constant struggle emotionally, mentally and physically. Almost everything and anything that sounds/looks or acts would trigger the ugliness acts of his A. Lakeside explicitly described those acts. It makes you cringe. The acts are what you will never forget.

 

You're also constantly mindful to put a lid on your emotions that many times you come away feeling emotionally beaten and weary. Self-confidence and self-image already low, you live daily putting a good front pretending that things are okay when you know they are not. Every waking moment you wonder if... all the while you're trying to satisfy his needs for the sake of keeping him. The other part of that ugly part of rebuilding is that you're also fighting to keep him "away" from his OW.

 

Six months into MC caught H lying and cheating even to our MC. Finally cut him loose. This was the only best thing left to do. Couldn't be happier.

 

As most posters replied, forgiveness is a process. But you also have to weigh in how much of your self-worth are you willing to compromise in order to keep the M.

[PhoenixRise]

Forgiveness is a process. Sometimes a daily process or a minute by minute process. It is a up and down process and you have to be willing to give yourself permission to heal.

 

 

The statement above is so true. Forgiveness does not happen in one fell swoop. It takes time and you have to give yourself time to go through the process. You were betrayed in an extremely deliberate way. You should not forgive it easily. Your husband needs to earn it. He needs to earn it by doing whatever the hell it takes to prove to you, to show you that he KNOWS the damage and hurt he caused and that he is actively makeing choices that prove he is working to be a better man.

 

In the course of your husband's betrayal he established a horrible track record full of lies and a lack of character. Maybe when he establishes a track record of honesty and integrity with you, the forgiveness process will get easier.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Spark1111]

It is a pretty good book. Also, Susan Anderson's "Journey from Abandonment to Healing" is really good. She gets into the neurophysiology of the feelings that are unleashed , as well as the personal historical reasons some folks react one way vs another.

I realized that for me, I was taking this pretty hard, more toward the severe end of the getting past it continuum. Helped to look at my history to understand why it was taking me longer to heal.

 

Me too, Reggie. Mentally ill mother, alchoholic father, childhood abandonment issues stemming from way too long ago. Worked hard (too hard?) to create the family environment in my own home that I had wished for as a child.

 

In addition to dealing with the affair, it also triggered this, the most painful realization of them all: Wasn't I important enough to ANYONE in my life to be a priority in their hearts?

 

With the exception of my three wonderful, loving, giving children, the answer sadly was a resounding "NO."

[Owl]

I think that the comment about forgiveness being BOTH a choice and a process is accurate.

 

I chose to forgive my wife within a few weeks/months of d-day. I knew that I had to do so in order for our marriage to have a chance to reconcile.

 

I can say that I didn't finish the process until about two years later, after I'd realized that we really HAD recovered.

[Planofool]

Owl, how did you know you had recovered? How do I know it is time to stop laboring on the subject and get over it?

[Owl]

I knew I was recovered when I stopped laboring over it.

 

Seriously, that was one of the biggest "clues" for me.

 

My marriage situation was that improved, my family life was doing that well...I was no longer constantly focusing on the past, I was no longer constantly obsessing that she could be cheating again...it all faded out as a result of the changes/improvements that we'd made.

 

It took time to get there. With a LOT of "checking up on her" going on in that interval. With a lot of soul-searching on my own. With a lot of proof on HER part about her deep regret/remorse over what she'd done, and consistent change in her actions and improvement in her boundaries with others.

 

Do you feel like you "know the whole story" about the affair?

Do you feel like she's rebuilt her trust with you that you can honestly say that you don't believe she's going to do it again? (not that "blind trust" that says it will never happen to you, but that reasonable trust that she's got her safeguards in place to prevent a recurrence)

Do you feel that your marriage is as safe as you can reasonably expect it to be?

 

 

How do you personally cope with it when you catch yourself still "laboring over it"? What do you do to try to get away from that?

 

Does this all help you see what I'm talking about at all?

[Planofool]

It's hard for me to explain, but she still says she got nothing out of it. She still doesn't think she had an EA. She is seeing a therapist now and it is helping tremendously. I don't think I can heal until she realizes what she has done and admits she was wrong. Maybe I am being selfish.

When she comes home from seeing the therapist she is a changed woman each and every time. I mean changed for the better. Maybe other people have experienced the same thing with their spouses. I would be interested to know. It only last for a few days then it is business as usual until the next visit.

[Owl]

I'd point that out to her...and to her therapist.

 

What's going on in therapy seems to be going in the right direction...but she needs something that will help her SUSTAIN those changes for longer and longer periods of time.

 

As far as her not "getting that it was an EA"...for me...that would be a deal breaker.

 

If she refuses to acknowledge what it was, that means she's refusing to accept responsibility for it, and for the damage it's done to your marriage. There's NOTHING to prevent it from happening again in that situation.

 

I personally would have left my wife had she followed this path.

[clv0116]

Its been 2 years since discovering my H's infidelity. And recently I have come to terms with the fact that I have forgiven him and that I do trust him. The hardest thing, for me lately, has been identifying the difference between trusting him...and trusting my own judgement. So, I'm not all the way there yet.

 

That's probably the key. If someone can't REALLY forgive they shouldn't pay lip service to it. They should just honestly say they can't do it.

[Planofool]

I'd point that out to her...and to her therapist.

 

What's going on in therapy seems to be going in the right direction...but she needs something that will help her SUSTAIN those changes for longer and longer periods of time.

 

As far as her not "getting that it was an EA"...for me...that would be a deal breaker.

 

If she refuses to acknowledge what it was, that means she's refusing to accept responsibility for it, and for the damage it's done to your marriage. There's NOTHING to prevent it from happening again in that situation.

 

I personally would have left my wife had she followed this path.

 

I am hoping that she will get out of therapy that she had an EA and understand why it hurt me so much. Until then I don't think I can truly forgive her.

[Spark1111]

I knew I was recovered when I stopped laboring over it.

 

Seriously, that was one of the biggest "clues" for me.

 

My marriage situation was that improved, my family life was doing that well...I was no longer constantly focusing on the past, I was no longer constantly obsessing that she could be cheating again...it all faded out as a result of the changes/improvements that we'd made.

 

It took time to get there. With a LOT of "checking up on her" going on in that interval. With a lot of soul-searching on my own. With a lot of proof on HER part about her deep regret/remorse over what she'd done, and consistent change in her actions and improvement in her boundaries with others.

 

Do you feel like you "know the whole story" about the affair?

Do you feel like she's rebuilt her trust with you that you can honestly say that you don't believe she's going to do it again? (not that "blind trust" that says it will never happen to you, but that reasonable trust that she's got her safeguards in place to prevent a recurrence)

Do you feel that your marriage is as safe as you can reasonably expect it to be?

 

 

How do you personally cope with it when you catch yourself still "laboring over it"? What do you do to try to get away from that?

 

Does this all help you see what I'm talking about at all?

 

Owl, once again thanks for your wisdom. I read the posters who seem to have or be on their way to successful recovery. All of you inspire me.

 

My WH and I finally started to discuss the details and it was a huge relief. I had to have a bag packed to get the information, and now, that is another resentment I must deal with 1.5 years after DDay. I think we could have been so much further along in the process had he divulged after 6 months or so, when the heat had calmed down a bit.

 

After feeling so much better, I feel we took several steps backwards in the process and today, feel only sad. Is this sadness normal? I'd love to get to the point where I stop dwelling on it and move towards forgiveness.

[LiveandLearn]

Same has happened to me Spark. Today, I felt I put us back a few steps. I find it difficult to move forward and focus on the here and now, when all I can think about is the past. I know my H is trying, as am I, but it's not easy. I try not to dwell on what has happened, but it tends to sneak up on me.

 

How do I not let it affect the progress we have made?

[Spark1111]

L&L, I think that is why they call it a process. It takes a long time. First, I had to forgive the affair by realizing most of his marital dissatisfaction were issues he needed to address within himself. Don't get me wrong. I was not blameless, just did not think any issue was insurmountable, and certainly nothing to justify an affair. But I loved him and wanted to give it my all to make it work. Both MC and IC for us and lots of talking, talking, talking.

 

The second phase is forgiving the lies and deception, for me. This takes tremendous effort on the WS's part to change their behavior and let us know their exact whereabouts constantly. I think Phase two is critical in recovery because if the WS does not put in the effort necessary, many marriages reach the breaking point here.

 

Phase three is forgiveness of the situation, which allows true healing to begin. Also trust is restored, intimacy grows, there is mutual respect and a newer and stronger marriage is built.

 

In addition, the BS has to endure the five stages of grief: Shock, denial, anger, depression, forgiveness and finally acceptance.

 

With everything that goes on in both my head and my heart, and all the work my H and I have to do, I first and foremost forgive MYSELF for the temporary insanity I still feel at times.

 

Like I told my grown children, I promise to TRY and be normal...maybe next year!