teachrmn Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Imagine you are a man that is below average height, you wear two hearing aides and your speech is effected by you HI. How many women are going to come your way? I have battled this issue for years, I am in my mid 30's have been going to counseling and am currently taking anti depression medicine. I moved to NC for a new job, so I have been down here all by myself. Besides my coworkers I have not had much contact with anyone. I have some low self esteem issues and basically I am ready to call it quits. I have been thinking of suicide for some time, however my religious beliefs and my mom are the only 2 things that are keeping from killing myself. I am frustrated and cannot go on any longer. All I ask for is some companionship. I work hard in my profession, I care about people, but I feel like this "freak" that everyone avoids. How do you people out there feel about the issue of suicide? I just don't feel like there is any other options....
Geishawhelk Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 You should contact organisations that have members' facilities that make allowance for the deaf and hard-of-hearing, and maybe join a dating agency. Not an online one, join one that may have openings for people like you. Incidentally, I am below average height, am losing the hearing in my left ear, suffer continuously from imitative tinnitus, and have been told I could register as disabled due to an atrophying left leg (a remnant of an accident which left my sciatic nerve partially irreparably damaged). I am one of the happiest people alive, because attitude comes from within. If you keep looking down, that's always where you'll be headed. I'm sure you have a lot of personally admirable attributes and maybe skills you've developped over the years. If not, gain some. You're here for a purpose. Find it and use it. Don't waste it.
JackJack Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Your best bet right now might be to contact the Suicide hotline. IMO,there are always other options to things in life. There is nothing wrong with being shorter than average and having a hearing aid, it doesn't make you any less of a person. Everyone has something about themselves they might not particularily care for. Women like confidence, so its all in the wauy you think about yourself....as soon as you learn to truly accept yourself and everything about yourself it will show outwardly!
GorillaTheater Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 I saw your other thread, and the bit of awful advice you got toward the end. I thought about responding because my (newly) 18-year-old son is also 5'3", and I confess to worrying about his future with women. He, on the other hand, appears perfectly comfortable in his own skin and is one of the most self-confident people I know, with a myriad of interests. I finally wound up not posting because ultimately I had little to offer besides what would probably come off as platitudes. But now I know that your thinking has taken a far darker turn than I originally thought. The best advice I can offer is to seek counseling. Today. And see a physician in order to obtain some meds that can elevate/level out your moods, at least until such time that your thinking gets straight again (because right now it's not). I don't know what to tell you about women. I've been married too long to know how to go about "getting" one. But I can tell you this: the best way I do know, and I think I'll be backed up on this by other posters, is to not need women at all. A woman doesn't "complete" you; a woman will NOT "make you happy". I've been married 25 years with enough ups and downs that I sometimes wonder if it's worth the effort. I'll keep plugging away because I consider it the right thing to do, and I do indeed love her; the point being that happiness is something that can only come from within and not from another person. (Sidebar: a woman CAN'T make you happy, but she sure can make your life a living hell. Read the "separation and divorce" forum here for countless cases on point.) You may never have the kind of relationship you want (and it is exactly that: a "want" and not a "need"). On the other hand, you may have already met your future mate. But, at the risk of making light of something that is so obviously consuming you, you have to get to a place where you're okay either way. Both for your own sake and the sake of future relationships. How to get to that point? Obviously, for starters, the counseling and medical help. Beyond that, discover and follow your passions. Develop friendships. Do what you love. And never depend on another person (male or female) to make you happy, things don't work that way and that route will inevitably fail. You have to learn how to make yourself happy, and you CAN do that. Please keep posting.
Els Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Why do you look down upon yourself based on such superficial physical 'failings'?! How about INSIDE you? You seem to be very happy with your personality -- you said you had passion and genuinely care about people. How many people do you even know who are lucky enough to be like that? Just because you haven't come across the woman who appreciates you for what's within you and not shallow things like your height, you're going to end your life? Trust me, I'm pretty sure I know men who are shorter than you, as I live in an Asian country. I know two very dashing and well-liked fellows who are shorter than me (I'm 5'1"). I know men with a whole myriad of 'problems' -- skin problems, color blindness, stuttering speech, etc etc... and some of them are in relationships. Most of them are happy with themselves and it shows... and it makes ALL the difference. It's all in what YOU believe. I would venture to say that you're luckier than many women out there, especially the obese women or the women who've had the misfortune of having a disfigured face. Women, in my humble opinion, are more likely to look past the superficial and care more about how you treat them and other people instead. Use that to your advantage. All the best.
Meaplus3 Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Your best bet right now might be to contact the Suicide hotline. I agree. There are hotlines set up where you can talk to someone 24 hours per day. Really this something you should do and fast. Suicide is not the answer. Nothing can be that bad. There is always hope to over come things that we endure in life. Sometimes it just may take time to steer ourselves in the right direction. I wish you the best. And I'd love for you to update and let us know how your are doing. Hugs. Mea:)
gopher Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 It's a hard spot you are in, but try and reach out and do things in your community. This sounds weird, but find a way to help others...sometimes by helping others we forget our own troubles. My other thought, is to get involved with other people who have hearing loss and also talk to someone at your church. You seem like you have a really good heart, and have so many positives aspects, don't forget about those and things will turn around for you.
JamesM Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 I don't know what to tell you about women. I've been married too long to know how to go about "getting" one. But I can tell you this: the best way I do know, and I think I'll be backed up on this by other posters, is to not need women at all. A woman doesn't "complete" you; a woman will NOT "make you happy". I've been married 25 years with enough ups and downs that I sometimes wonder if it's worth the effort. I am going to comment on this and I don't mean to be overly critical, because I truly understand where this is coming from...but...it is spoken from someone who HAS someone for a companion and friend. What you seek is good and possible. And having been married for almost nineteen years, I think it is worth the effort to find that special someone. While I sometimes do envy the single guy, I know (even though I tend to be a loner) that no companionship would become lonely. It is true...a woman won't complete you, and a woman won't make you happy, but a woman as your best friend and companion can give you a reason to live and someone with whom you can share your joys and sorrows. She is someone who gives you the sense that there is a person who actually accepts you as you are and for whom you will become. This is not some small thing...it is a great joy. As will all joys, there are possible risks to it. Love brings vulnerability and possible pain. Personally, I have found that the joys outweigh the pain by far. Others may disagree, but still others will have the same opinion. Your perceived handicaps do not need to keep you back. As Geisha said, it is about attitude. I know that sounds like a cliche but it actually is the truth. The hardest part is seeing how things could actually be different when they have always been what they are. Seek out others who have common interests and even seek out others who either have HI or understand it. That by itself is not enough to keep you from a relationship. JackJack has some good points when it comes to how people will view you. People truly do over look your HI and shorter than average height when they find out what a great personality you have. And they only find that out when you show it to them. I am not sure what your height is, but there are three foot men who have wives and families. I am not sure how much your speech is affected by your HI, but I personally know a couple who are both HI that have a great relationship and children. I know...it is easy for me to say because I am not you, but I have seen some of the most blessed people in life waste what talents they had, and I have seen others who have disabilities that should keep them from excelling at anything go on and start a company, have a family, and live life with more thankfulness than the ones who seem to have so much more to be thankful for. I have seen many who seemingly have less abilities and opportunities than I, do so much more than I have. It truly is about perseverance and attitude. Suicide is not the answer. Not only will it mean the end for you, but you will cause immense pain to those you leave behind. While I don't sense that you will actually commit suicide, a counselor would be beneficial for you. This person can listen to all of your problems and steer you in directions that will improve your life. The one thing that it is hard for someone who is in a depression is to see how life will get better. Having been in a depression, it saps all of your energy and takes all hope away. What would be helpful is to have someone who could give you that hope back again and give you ideas and solutions for improvements. Since you came here, I sense that you are reaching out for such solutions, and I believe you will find them. Please keep us updated on how life is improving for you.
wuggle Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 There is a woman where I work who is deaf and her speech is deeply affected by her HI, one of my good friends has muscular dystrophy and is getting seriously worse. Both have no more problems getting partners than 'Normal' (sic) people, but, and just as important, have no less a problem getting partners either. Finding partners (or even just making friends) really can be difficult for most people, some people are shy, some arrogant, some too ugly, some too agressive etc. We all struggle. I really believe that those people who do well socially are those that have a great attitude. I also believe that the stupid old saying "There is someone for everyone" really is true. Even if you are insisting on looking on the bleak side, even you must admit that there are some 5 ft, semi deaf women out there thinking the same thing as you. You just haven't met them all yet. Your disability will make things harder, no denying that, but you need to get past that every single day, get out there, be nice. If you're miserable I gaurantee you people won't want to be near you, if your happy I gaurantee they will regardless of any disability. And if you cant be happy - fake it until you can !! re the other silly talk, the suicide thing. Really how pointless. If life really is that miserable just think what happens afterwards. If you do something silly and you're religious then god isn't going to be too happy, he gave you this life for a reason you just haven't found it yet. If you're not religious then afterwards there is nothing, so again how pointless ending it. In the very worst case, I always told myself that if I got so bad that I wanted to end it all and saw no possible alternative I would do a Reggie Perrin, simply walk, and just keep walking till I'd figure it all out. But honestly you have no idea at all what is round the corner. Your life could turn at any point in time and be asolutely brilliant.
GorillaTheater Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 James said it all very eloquently and he is absolutely right: there's nothing at all wrong with seeking a relationship. My concern is that you view having a relationship as some sort of "silver bullet" that will bring you happiness, and in the absence of which life is simply not worth living. That is simply not the case at all. And Wuggles is also correct: you never know what might be waiting around the corner. I saw a documentary once. A man was horribly burned and crippled in a natural gas explosion. The film showed the treatment he had to go through and his agony was clearly conveyed. He wanted to die. After that segment, I thought "well hell yes, I'd want to die too". The second segment picked up a year or two later. He had healed, though he was very scarred and remained crippled. But he was about to be married and was very active in his profession and in the community. Needless to say, he was very glad that he was still alive. Equally needless to say, it made me take a hard look at myself and my attitude towards "situations". As a rule, situations change. Usually on a daily or even hourly basis. Your situation will change, too. Hang in there, get active, volunteer, and meet people.
xxscarredxx Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 People turn to suicide as a permanent fix for temporary problems. I understand that things may not being going so well for you in your life right now, but suicide? Is that really the route you wish to take? Do you ever think how your coworkers would feel about you suddenly leaving, or your mom? Do you know how painful it is to deal with a loved one that took his/her own life? Your mom would suffer a great deal. You speak of your religion. Have you been to any services lately? Sounds like you need a spiritual healing. It works. Once your soul is at peace, you will be. Accept the things you cannot change about yourself. Someone will embrace you for it and LOVE you! Soon! God Bless!
White Flower Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Seek out others who have common interests and even seek out others who either have HI or understand it. That by itself is not enough to keep you from a relationship. JackJack has some good points when it comes to how people will view you. People truly do over look your HI and shorter than average height when they find out what a great personality you have. And they only find that out when you show it to them. Great post JamesM. Teachermn, You need to get yourself into HI groups. They have so many wonderful things going on, events, conventions, etc. I have worked with many, some married and some single. There is definitely hope for you. You just need to focus on the hope and not the negative. I know, easier said than done. Surround yourself with people who relate to you, it doesn't just have to be HI groups. Do you know how fact ASL is growing? It is the number one growing second language in the U.S., faster than Spanish! With so many college students taking ASL for their language requirement you are bound to meet someone who can sign who is not neccessarily HI. Dear people are considered to be so cool now, you need to know that. Where I work, everyone gets close to the HI staff so they can learn to sign on their down time! Hang in there, you'll be just fine!
Green Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 this is an inspirational speaker with no arms no legs... he has like one little stump arm and on little stump leg and he's out there doing it so can you! If you change your mindset and realize that your on an adventure and finding a girl and finding new friends can be exciting. If you don't give up you will find relationships both friends and a woman
Eve Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Imagine you are a man that is below average height, you wear two hearing aides and your speech is effected by you HI. How many women are going to come your way? I have battled this issue for years, I am in my mid 30's have been going to counseling and am currently taking anti depression medicine. I moved to NC for a new job, so I have been down here all by myself. Besides my coworkers I have not had much contact with anyone. I have some low self esteem issues and basically I am ready to call it quits. I have been thinking of suicide for some time, however my religious beliefs and my mom are the only 2 things that are keeping from killing myself. I am frustrated and cannot go on any longer. All I ask for is some companionship. I work hard in my profession, I care about people, but I feel like this "freak" that everyone avoids. How do you people out there feel about the issue of suicide? I just don't feel like there is any other options.... You do sound like a sensible and caring person. I am glad that you have arranged to meet with a counsellor. How is that going? Counselling and meds are usually the best combination so well done you for sorting that out. I hope that you are telling the counsellor the full extent of your thoughts. Moving to a new city is very brave also and I am glad that you have at least one other to share your life with.. even if it is your mother. Plus you hold down a job, which you say you are good at. SO many good points. You say that the suicide thing has been something which comes up from time to time. I am wondering if you hold yourself to very high standards and see the issue with your height and hearing more harshly than you should. Its like you have a poor internal relationship with yourself and this must carry through in some ways within your relationships and potential relationships. How would you feel if you let the thoughts roll past you and simply observed them? This technique is known as 'mindfulness'. Suspend judgement on the thoughts and bring them to your next counselling meeting. At the end of the day, thoughts are just thoughts. Give power to the positive ones and see what you can learn from the negative ones. There is something at the bottom of all of this and I do hope that your counsellor knows what he/she is doing... Its just that you seem to be an alright person with very natural needs which can most certainly be attained. Personally, I would say that it is good that you are alive and you show tremendous potential to be able to put this behind you once and for all with a bit of work on reframing your thought patterns/getting out and about more. Still, yeah, I understand the pull towards thinking about suicide and would say that at you need a strict plan of action for such times until you are stronger. It may be good to contact someone via a helpline/practice mindfulness techniques/write in a Journal/pray or all of the above until such time that you can see these thoughts for what they really are. I am sure that you have considered how your death would affect your mother and co-workers, not to mention the clash with your faith. I would also ask that you consider those who you have not met as yet. This is the real wound of suicide which is often missed. You do have a purpose and you are valuable honey. There are people ahead of you who will need you and you will need them. You simply have not met them as yet. I am certainly glad that I was not successful within my former suicidal attempts because of the amazing people who I now know. Who would have thought! I can only second the advice by other posters regarding the pursuit of women. A woman will not complete you but the companionship side of things does seem to balance out the whole thing. I say, create these opportunites for yourself firstly and I believe that you will draw the best possible opportunities/partner to yourself.. but I do have quite weirdy beliefs! Take care of yourself and remember that each day presents a fresh chance to do things a bit differently than the day before. Regards, Eve xx
era Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 I am ready to call it quits. I have been thinking of suicide for some time..... Dear teachrmn... Okay babysteps - lets just do this one day at a time. You have been given good advice on here, but I doubt you have the energy or ambition to move forward with your life at this point in time (suicidal). There are 3 things you can do right NOW: advise your councellormake an appointment to see your Doctorcheck yourself into the emergency ward (mental illness is attended to just like physical illness).Just do it.....
burning 4 revenge Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 So the reason you want to commit suicide is lonliness? You should move back closer to your family. Dont worry about the job, its not worth the isolation and depression Also it sounds like you have some disabilities, so there are dating websites that deal with that. Its no guarentee, but it might be something you could explore
Author teachrmn Posted March 4, 2009 Author Posted March 4, 2009 I want to thank everyone for their kindful thoughts and replies. I am at a very tough place right now. I went to urgent care and recieved some meds to help me settle down. I am seeing my therapist today. At work I put together an art program for the juvenile inmates and the response was sort of uplifting to me. Everyone of those kids had smiles on their faces. Maybe its these sort of gestures that I need to focuse on. I am also attending a book club tommorrow night so hopefully and I can put all of my insecurities aside and enjoy myself. This is going to be a struggle, but I with the help of others, hopefully I can move on, forget for the time being about being with a woman and focus on empowerment. Even though a lady friend is not interested in me the way I wish her to be, I guess a friendship is better than nothing. Again thank you all for your support. I grew up in a cruel environment (the constant teasing) maybe their are good people out there after all~
Meaplus3 Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 I want to thank everyone for their kindful thoughts and replies. I am at a very tough place right now. I went to urgent care and recieved some meds to help me settle down. I am seeing my therapist today. At work I put together an art program for the juvenile inmates and the response was sort of uplifting to me. Everyone of those kids had smiles on their faces. Maybe its these sort of gestures that I need to focuse on. I am also attending a book club tommorrow night so hopefully and I can put all of my insecurities aside and enjoy myself. This is going to be a struggle, but I with the help of others, hopefully I can move on, forget for the time being about being with a woman and focus on empowerment. Even though a lady friend is not interested in me the way I wish her to be, I guess a friendship is better than nothing. Again thank you all for your support. I grew up in a cruel environment (the constant teasing) maybe their are good people out there after all~ You don't even know how truly happy I am to hear all this great news. You are doing the right things. The fact that you saw those kids smile.. gosh, that must have made your heart melt. Don't you worry one bit about the woman that might not feel the same way. Like you said a friendship is better than nothing. You will find someone for you.. in a romantic sense at some point. You sound like a great guy with a good heart and so much to offfer. Keep up the posotive thinking here.. and please update us. I'm rooting for ya. My very best to you. Mea:)
GorillaTheater Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 <whew!> I'm very glad to hear back from you, Teach, and am even more glad that you seem to be getting your perspective back. Yes, helping others is a great way to get a positive boost and to at least "shelve" your own issues. My involvement in a literacy (a word I initially misspelled in this post ...) program does the same for me. I wish you the best of luck, and please keep us updated as to your progress. Yeah, there are a lot of crappy people out there, but thankfully there are even more folks who are decent and caring.
Eve Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Really glad to hear from you teach! Keep going and please keep posting - especially if you think its insignifigant. Sounds like you do some great work! Those kids will be benefitting SO much from the contact you are providing. The most important factor being that you give a crap. Methinks that this is over and beyond any form of intervention. Sorry to hear about the lady and the let down. All I can say is that in looking back I can see certain characteristics which I found attractive in other males that seem to exist in my Husband - so the experience you have had may not be totally without relevance... In essence I suppose fancying others does give us opportunity to make sense of what we do and dont like. Please keep posting sweetheart. There are some genuinely lovely people here and I think you seem like a really interesting person over and beyond the difficulties you are going through. Remember - you are so very valuable. Regards, Eve xx
wuggle Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Just wanted to say good to hear back from you, hope things get better. Keep posting and let us know how you're doing. Take care
White Flower Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 I want to thank everyone for their kindful thoughts and replies. I am at a very tough place right now. I went to urgent care and recieved some meds to help me settle down. I am seeing my therapist today. At work I put together an art program for the juvenile inmates and the response was sort of uplifting to me. Everyone of those kids had smiles on their faces. Maybe its these sort of gestures that I need to focuse on. I am also attending a book club tommorrow night so hopefully and I can put all of my insecurities aside and enjoy myself. This is going to be a struggle, but I with the help of others, hopefully I can move on, forget for the time being about being with a woman and focus on empowerment. Even though a lady friend is not interested in me the way I wish her to be, I guess a friendship is better than nothing. Again thank you all for your support. I grew up in a cruel environment (the constant teasing) maybe their are good people out there after all~ There are good people out there! Just wait and see. Oh, and smile a LOT...it is contagious!
gopher Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Hey, Keep up the great work..your work with the kids will make a huge difference and having female friends is a great thing. Ultimately, those type of relationships help prepare you for a romantic one. Keep us updated!!
mental_traveller Posted March 30, 2009 Posted March 30, 2009 How would you feel about dating a woman who is below average looks and who is blind or uses a wheelchair, or has some other disability? If you'd be cool with it, look past that and love her for her personality, then you have your answer. If you would be put off and not consider her, then consider your hypocrisy and realise that you deserve your fate as long as you think that way. I find gorgeous 25 year old beauties more attractive than fat ugly 75 year old grandmothers. So I am not going to complain if a woman says she prefers someone taller, or richer, or better looking or more famous than me. I will simply accept that I'll do best aiming for someone within reasonable bounds of my own attractiveness as a partner. Regarding suicide, I am always against it for "despair" reasons. If you are in a war and about to be captured and tortured, or have a horrific painful disease, I can understand it, but just for being depressed, no way. Try to find some meaning in your life. Even if your own situation sucks, others have it worse. Try helping those less fortunate than yourself, live for some purpose beyond your own gratification. I find that helps bring purpose and meaning into life, it might work for you too. And make sure you speak to people about your problems, don't keep them locked up inside your head.
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