confusedcookie Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 *DETAILED, SORRY FOR THE LENGTH* i reside in canada, 23 years old and i met my current bf about 1.5 years ago, and we've been going out for about 1 year and 2 months. we were neighbors, and i quickly moved into his apt, probably about 2 months into the relationship. Firstly, i was born and raised in Canada, while my bf was only here as an international student on a student visa for school, but when he courted me he said that he was okay with living here in canada (first serious bf, so what do you expect? i believed him) My bf is from China, and even though i'm also chinese, we were grown up in very different cultures, and he needed a lot face, was a huge family guy where "it was his dad's way, or the highway" and he's 26. Unfortunately, i didn't know the true extend of culture shock until later on. Before we were officially going out, i mentioned that in about half a year, when i graduated, i wanted to go abroad to teach english for a year in korea, and he quickly agreed that he would go with me. The only thing with that was he wasn't finished school till one year after i graduated, but he insisted to wait for him. I persistently asked him if his parents were okay with it, and i was under the false pretenses that he had asked for permission and his parents were fine with the idea. He always assured me that it would be fine, and that his dad always wanted him to go to korea to learn korean. so, he didn't have any family and or alot of friends; therefore, we spent a great deal of time together, and i could feel that i was of great importance to him, and that we truly loved each other. this blissful, honeymoon stage lasted for about 11 months, and it went downhill after i agreed to go with him back home to meet his family. A little before the trip, he told me that he may not be able to go to korea with me, and it was then i found out that his dad once said in passing that it would be a good idea to go to korea to learn korean, but he never actually asked his dad for permission or told his dad of his plans. Now, that the economy is recession, he was too scared to ask his dad for permission. I was very upset to say the least that i waited for him, but he never bothered to ask him dad. Anyways, big fight, and finally he asked, and his parents said okay. Then, the worst part was the trip to his home. i met his parents for the first time for dinner, and then he left me with them so he could go out with his friends to play, while his mom and sister were the ones to drive me home. Imagine a similar situation with his grandparents, except, this time, his grandma spoke in a dialect i didn't understand. joyful. i just thought he was too happy to be home and did my best to socialize with the family and they initially loved me. as the month progressed on, the gist of it was that i felt abandoned and experienced culture shock. his culture thinks men are more superior and even the land/inheritance is only given to the males. he was nowhere the doting bf he use to be and one time i talked to his mother for 4 hours while waiting for him to finish his poker game with his friends. i tried to give him face, but i got angry, and walked out, and at times i was visibly upset while around his family. his family soon didn't like me, since my bf would just give them vague details of our arguments, such as "she didn't like me playing poker", and his dad said to my face that my bf "can't control/managed me properly" I was very upset about what dad said, but on the other hand, my bf never defend me in front of his dad or friends when they said hurtful things about me. another thing is while talking to his sister, i found out that he lied to him purposely, and that the real reason why his exgf and him broke up was b/c he cheated. (never told me, and outright deliberately lied about that) also, hes a very doting son, and so he's always wanting to spend time with family while i want to go sightseeing (never been here before). Finally, it's never been the same since we've came back since i don't trust him and i feel insecure. he says he will change and know that he treated me badly, but i don't believe as i feel that he feels i've made a big deal about our "china" trip. imo, i feel its changed my whole opinion of him, he's an entirely different person back home, and though i know he's happier there, he treats me worst there. i started to change too, i just to get ticked off at the smallest things, and would pick fights with him (i have no idea why, and i know its my fault) Ultimately, we both know once he's done school, he wants to go back, if i don't see a future with him since i don't like my experience in china, i don't want to waste his time by making him go to korea with me. he tells me that if we go back to china to live permanently, he swears, he'll treat me right. also, i liked our lifestyle in canada with just the two of us, but in china, he said he would have to eat dinner at home 4 times a week, and sleepover at his parents on fridays and saturdays. I feel selfish to tell him that he shouldn't spend so much time with his family since he's such a big family guy, but i honestly can't see myself doing that since i'm a only child and is used to eating with my own parents about once a week. we had a huge fight over the most trivial thing a few days ago, and i completely understand it was mostly my fault, but he still didn't call me after (which he use to do, even when it was my fault =p). it was 4 days later that i finally called, and now we've agreed to have a "thinking things over" period. i believe that we still love each other, though sometimes i feel like he cares, and at other times (in china) he doesn't give a rat's ass about me. what should i do???? so i break up with him, or give it another chance, or should i try ldr while i'm in korea? should i propose to give china another chance and go live there after korea for a few months, or should i just not waste anymore time? i always believed that if 2 people loved each other, it was utlimately just a two person relationship, i never knew the extent of how external factors such as family could hinder a relationship so much, sigh. also, i also thought that if we still loved other then you could work things out, but i'm not so sure anymore. please help, confused cookie
Geishawhelk Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 (....) always believed that if 2 people loved each other, it was utlimately just a two person relationship, i never knew the extent of how external factors such as family could hinder a relationship so much, sigh. also, i also thought that if we still loved other then you could work things out, but i'm not so sure anymore. please help, confused cookie If there is a cultural gap, and he's very ingrained into his culture, it's not going to change. I'm afraid that unless he's willing to learn to adapt, and be canadian in his attitude, whilst in Canada, and treat you with repsect when he's in China... Oh look. It's not going to happen. This is just too unbalanced to progress with. Too much hard work. I'm afraid I think you two should agree to differ and go your separate ways.
Tryng2Trust08 Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 I would say cut ties now and move on...it seems like too much drama to put up with. And hes putting all these stipulations on your relationship, it shouldnt be like that. Too many cultural differences.
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