Break-up Make-up Conundrum

[BuckTheTrend]

This situation really has me confused right now. It may seem trivial but it's got me out of my element (for once). I guess there's a lot to cover so I'll get started. This is pretty long, sorry.

 

I'm a senior in college right now and have never really been into serious dating and relationships, more of a flavor of the month kind of guy. I had like a 9 month relationship back in highschool but she was a year older and it ended bad cuz she broke it off when going away to college. After that I pretty much said eff it being single is funner.

 

Anyway, that's pretty much how my college life has been. Single, partying most of the week (and studying, getting good grades). So I meet this girl (sophomore, 2 years younger) at a party one night who has heard of me / seen me around before, she gives me her number and says to call her later.

 

I call her later that night (3:30am'ish), meet up with her and we just smoke cigs and talk outside for about an hour and a half. She's got a sassy and sarcastic attitude, and so do I, so from the get go we were kind of on the same plane joking around with eachother with things that might offend some people, but we kind of "got eachother."

 

Anyway, I didn't think much of it. Didn't talk to her at all the next week. Following weekend she calls me up asks what I'm doing, I say we're having a house party and she asks for a ride. I find her a ride there we do our own thing till the party winds down and she comes looking for me. We end up hanging out the rest of the night, she spends the night we hook up but don't have sex.

 

Still don't think much of it. See her at a bar a few days later we have a few drinks go out on the dance floor. She ends up coming back to my place that night spends the night we hook up. So this goes on for the next two weeks or so. Casual fling we're both on the same page (or so I think?).

 

We've both acknowledged that "dating" isn't really our thing, I'm the party-guy she's the party-girl we're just having fun. Somewhere along the way though we both start getting pretty attached and falling for eachother hard. Her roomate told me she was looking for a relationship, which made me feel a little guilty for "playing her" in a casual way. So I started considering the possibility of her as a GF.

 

By this point we're about a month in from the first time she spent the night. This is where the problem starts. Now every other day we are "breaking up" (even though we aren't together). She says she doesn't know what she wants, she can't handle the pressure, she knows she'll do something stupid to screw it up, you know finding reasons to end whatever is going on. It's really out of the blew stuff, like she'll leave my room in the morning, send me a text 2 hours later like "Sorry but I just can't do this anymore." Than a day or 2 later we'll see eachother out somewhere and get back together.

 

By the way, by this point I broke the news to her that I would have to take the 2nd semester off from school because I got into some trouble. She also mentioned she is transferring schools after this year. Part of the reason she said she was breaking it off was because she couldn't handle being away from me and doing a "long distance" thing, plus I think she felt a little ashamed I was in trouble or something.

 

So to summarize, basically we were hot and heavy for 2 months. At the start of winter break she told me it was over she couldn't do it anymore she didn't like me like that anymore. Making a lot of different excuses not really being straight up with me. At one point even told me she started dating another guy and couldn't wait for me (which was a lie, I'll get into that later).

 

I was justifiably pissed off, basically told her to **** off because I felt like she led me on and played me after I felt guilty and started treating her more like a girlfriend. She said she wanted to stay friends, I told her not a chance I'm moving on. This was right before Christmas, Dec. 20th or so.

 

A month goes by without talking, she starts texting me a bit. I'm pretty quick and snappy with her, no real reason to talk to her. She stops texting. She starts texting again a week ago (her Bday. I had gotten her a gift / wrote her a note before Christmas which she didn't open until her Bday. I think this is a big part here). I text her back a bit but remain distant.

 

This past weekend she texts me that she's at a party at my "house" and it's so weird without me there. I respond, but distant as usual. 2 hours later she calls me, the first time she's called me in 2 months. I felt like not answering but gave her the time of day and answered. It was pretty awkward and drawn-out but basically she started apologizing for breaking it off. She said she had a lot going on in her head and needed time to sort everything out and couldn't do it with us together. Didn't know how to handle me being on house-arrest, things like that.

 

Straight up came right out and said "It was my fault. I messed up but I want to make things right. I'm putting myself out there right now but I want to get back together with you. I didn't know what I wanted but I do now." She said the thing about dating another guy was a lie because she didn't know how else to get me to "accept" the breakup. She said she's been missing me for two months thinks about me all the time etc. and finally got the nerve to call me and tell me how she feels.

 

I tell her I'll think about it but I have a hard time believing her because of the way she handled things in the past. The first time around I really put my trust in this girl and she kind of stepped on it, inadvertenly or not is what I am trying to figure out.

 

So my question is, what do you guys make of this? Is this girl for real or just trying to play me again? I have pretty strong feelings for her and want to believe she does for me as well but I don't want to put myself out there again for some BS. She is transfering next year anyway but seems to want to make it work.

 

I don't know. I'm really confused by all of this. For someone that wasn't into dating girls, I kind of would like to be with her but the biggest thing for me is am I ever going to be able to trust this girl?

 

The mistake the first time around was moving too fast too quick. So if I do pursue this, how do I slow things down and not "give" too much? I need to show her that she wrong'd me the first time around and I'm not going out of my way like I used to.

 

PS: I'm a pretty cynical guy and have seen and experienced many situations with girls being manipulative. I'm no fool. I know girls are smart, especially socially smart / emotionally intelligent. They know how to play guys especially. I can't help but feel this is just another game of hers, even though I want to believe her. How can I really know if she means it or is just, pardon my french, being a bitch?

 

Any help will be GREATLY APPRECIATED.

[BuckTheTrend]

Anyone at all? I really need to get a read on this situation it's driving me crazy.

[LoveUrselfFirst]

"So my question is, what do you guys make of this? Is this girl for real or just trying to play me again? I have pretty strong feelings for her and want to believe she does for me as well but I don't want to put myself out there again for some BS"

 

...so let me say it like this. She is confused or doesn't know how to be in a relationship that is why she is going so back and forth. You both put it on the line that you both were partiers and if you hook up, than you hook up. But I don't think you guys should have a relationship because it's too much for the both of you.

 

I think truly that she is scared because maybe you are her first relationship. I know when I was young I was asked out by this guy I had a crush on and although i said yes, I broke it off with him the next day. It wasn't because I didn't want to be with him, it was because I didn't know what a relationship was about and I didn't want to take it there. Crushes are crushes, bed buddies are bed buddies and relationships are something else.

 

Have you asked her if she was ever in a committed relationship before? And if so, did she get hurt?

 

I think though that you guys put it down on the line in the beginning as friends that hook up and nothing more and when it became serious, she freaked.

[BuckTheTrend]

She told me she has been in a few relationships in the past, but all were under a year (like me) and most ended not-so-hot. She hasn't been in a relationship for the past 2 years.

 

The sensible and logical part of me says not to pursue this because it's just a ticking time bomb waiting to happen.

 

However, the naive side of me believes that this is worth pursuing because it could turn into something really special if the work is put in from both sides. I want to believe she is capable of changing like she says she is but I just don't know.

 

It's too easy for a girl to "fake it" and me be none-the-wiser. I don't really trust her right now but I would like to try to make it work, and that's at least what she says, "Sorry I messed up. Want to fix things. Blah blah blah."

 

We didn't really put anything down on the line in the beginning. Everything that happened kind of just happened no questions asked no direction in mind.

 

I am just really torn on this. Are people capable of change in this regard or does she just have some ulterior motive?

[LoveUrselfFirst]

I don't believe she has an alterior motive.

 

For both of your sake and just by my opinion, remain as friends with benefits and not the relationship part.

 

You are almost done with school and she is moving away or transferring to a further away school I believe you stated earlier, so do you really want to deal with a long-distance relationship that may get even more complicated?

[BuckTheTrend]

Well after the first "break up" or whatever she was like "I want to stay friends and everything" and I basically told her sorry that is not possible, I can't and don't want to be friends with you after what transpired.

 

Than I went NC which led to this. In my mind, and probably hers too, this is an All or Nothing situation. If we're not together I have very little incentive to keep her in my life considering we'll be in different states, etc. and then we'll just drift away.

 

It's not that I want to deal with a LDR or anything, but I don't really have much of a choice, that's what's happening and it's either that or nothing.

 

Does that change your perception at all? You seem pretty against this which leads me to believe it will just be a ticking timebomb.

[LoveUrselfFirst]

 

Does that change your perception at all? You seem pretty against this which leads me to believe it will just be a ticking timebomb.

 

 

I just don't want to see you getting hurt especially when it's been a back and forth thing.

[wantoheal]

i think you should be up front and honest with her. It sounds like you really like this girl and it sounds like she really likes you. I think she was probably confused and frightened by the feelings she was having for you. I think if you decide to give it another try, you should tell her you want to be in a committed relationship so that neither one of you have any questions about where you stand. If she isn't up for that then I think you should move on. And, I think it is always best to be completely honest with your feelings-even if you do end up getting hurt, at least you put your heart out there. NO game playing-games just ruin a relationship. Also, she may NEED you to show her and tell her how you really feel. She may be insecure. The man is supposed to be the stonger one in a relationship.

[BuckTheTrend]

That's what I'm thinking. It will still be another 40 days or so before I see her but when I do I want to lay down some ground rules and make sure we are on the same page as far as where we are and where it's going.

 

Right now I'm still not really talking to her with any frequency, and I really don't want to at this time. She was the one that initiated all the contact before, and now that I agreed to "give it another shot" I don't know if she's playing a game now seeing if I start calling/texting her every day, so I'm just gonna wait it out and see what her next move is.

 

I hate that it still feels like a game even though I don't want it to be but I need to show her that I'm not bending over backwards for her and I'm perfectly fine living my independent life, I'de just much rather have her in it and that's what I need to convey to her.

[Tryng2Trust08]

Tell her exactly how you feel, don't try to convey anything. You want a relationship with her, you are willing to do the work, but you aren't going to settle for a friendship. I have been through the breaking up and making up, and trust me, it's not worth the emotion. In my opinion if someone is going to breakup with you, they should mean it, it is very damaging to keep going back and forth.

[BuckTheTrend]

How should I handle the next 40 days though? I want to talk to her but not get into the nitty gritty until I see her in person. I'm not a big fan of small-talk which means just shooting the sh1t with her now doesn't really add any value.

 

I guess talking to her every couple days could be okay, I just don't want to be the one that has to keep initiating it (Is this a game she is playing?).