Can anyone else de-code this girl?

[WTRanger]

Let's just say you meet a girl that you are initially attracted to because of her looks. It happens, that's usually the first round of attraction. You've caught her looking at you as well so there must be some sort of mutual initial physical attraction between you two, so you finally start talking to this girl. After a few pseudo-dates you find you have way more in common that you think. You are able to take a road trip with this girl and spend 16 hours in a car and the conversation never stops and if it does it is a natural pause in the conversation, it's not an awkward silence at all. You move on to spending lots of time with this girl, easily 3-4 times a week with you spending every weekend over at her place. Not sleeping together, but you both sleep on the couch. It's an L shaped couch, she takes one side you take the other, lying face to face. I mean, this has to be the start of something right? She wouldn't let just any chump be that close to her when she's that vulnerable? But like a chump, you never went for the kill. You never tried to cuddle up to her or kiss her. You were afraid of the "what in the sam hell are you doing?" moment of awkwardness. You were sure you could do it, but at the same time there were enough mixed signals that told you to hold off for a bit more. She even seemed as if she just wasn't the touchy-feely kind of girl. Some girls even with their SO aren't into much physical contact, so she was hard to read like that. Plus you got so close so fast, you're head is still spinning. Literally everyone you meet things you two are dating, just by the way you interact with each other. Anyone some one asks the either of you if you are dating, you don't say yes but you don't exactly say no either.

 

Then an event happens in her life, ie she gets laid off from her job, and she retracts into her own head. She starts becoming much more distant than you'd like. She only wants to hang out with you once a month during her "girly" time and she 100% refuses to drink anymore around you. What can that mean? I mean is she trying to stop herself from jumping your bones these days? Can anyone give any insight as to why all of a sudden she would do this? I know from my personal experience when I wanted to remain sober around a girl it was because I knew if I was buzzed I'd be all over her like bees to honey.

 

Finally after 3 months of the situation above, you can't take holding in your pent up feelings for her anymore and you just go for it. You know the longer you hold them in, you'll just destroy yourself and the friendship anyways so you're stuck in a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. Your timing is way off and you do it when she's near a breaking point and she just runs away. You absolutely feel horrible for pushing her over the edge but at the same time you feel relieved that you finally got the weight of the feelings off your chest. Now, she won't talk. She won't even acknowledge the fact that you are trying to apologize, not for your feelings but for the timing, and take all of the blame for the situation. You no longer seemingly exist to her. You pushed when she said not to, you don't know why you did it, you don't know why you didn't listen and all you know is you feel horribly guilty for losing her like this.

 

Other than apologizing once over a voice mail, you left her an email stating that the primary way she used to contact you is no longer in use and to use this other email address and you used this opportunity to apologize again and state that you just want a 2nd chance to restart as friends again. She's been super quiet for over a month but she hasn't returned the stuff you have over at her apt, though you are expecting a box at your door any day now. Do you think she'll ever come around? Should you ask for your stuff back? Nothing big, a few books and movies and a toothbrush. But still, if a girl pissed me off and I had those things they would be in Fed-ex'd over night to her.

 

So did you lose the chance forever? You're moving on, slowly, but you are moving on with her NC. It's still day by day but you are coming to terms with the fact that you blew one of the best chances you were ever presented with to this point. You know there is life after this. If someone makes you feel this bad, they had to make you feel so good so what does the next girl have in store? It could be wilder than you've ever imagined. But you really don't want it to end like this. You are doing your best to give her the space she asked for, but with everyday that passes you wonder if the space will turn into a forever kind of silence.

 

Oh and by you, I really mean I.

[WTRanger]

Ha! 57 views and no replies. I take that as a sign that all of you are as super confused as I am. At least I'm not overly going crazy then. I knew this story made no sense.

 

She starts becoming much more distant than you'd like. She only wants to hang out with you once a month during her "girly" time and she 100% refuses to drink anymore around you. What can that mean? I mean is she trying to stop herself from jumping your bones these days? Can anyone give any insight as to why all of a sudden she would do this?

That's the most confusing part to me, for those who don't want to read the long and sometimes rambling story.

[eric82]

it's not confusing. it's simple really. you waited too long. by the time you finally made a move, she had already lost interest in you.

 

take this as a lesson. don't be afraid to act like a man. a girl isn't going to stay attracted to you if you're worried about offending her. it's obvious that you don't know what she was thinking or wanting, so don't even try to guess. you should have just made your moves and if she stopped you, be respectful of that, but also don't feel ashamed or apologize for trying. you're human. she knew you were attracted to her. that's why she hung out with you so much alone, to give you plenty of opportunities to try to get physical. stop thinking of her as some vulnerable prize. she's a person with sexual urges just like you.

 

which ties into my next point, don't try to be her friend when what you really want is to be her sexual partner/boyfriend. there's a reason some guys are just friends with her: they don't turn her on. do you really think hesitation instead of action and talking about feelings instead of showing will ever make a girl feel attracted to you? of course not. only doing something when you think a girl will accept or allow it doesn't make you attractive, it makes you submissive. think of it this way, why would she want to get physical with a submissive guy when she can easily have a guy who takes charge? she's female, she always has lots of willing guys to choose from.

 

trying to sneak your way into bed with her through friendship or apologize your way into a romance will never work. the only way she would have stayed attracted to you is if you led the way with confidence and showed your sexual interest instead of hiding it. you blew your chance with her, but use what you learned from this experience on the next girl and things should work out better for you.

[Truly Lost]

I've been that girl before, a few times. If I was interested in someone I wouldn't have waited around for the guy to make the move. I would have eventually gotten the courage up to do something about it. I think she liked your company, but was not interested in pursuing a relationship with you. Maybe the chemistry wasn't there for her. She probably rationalized that there was no reason not to be friends and I'm sure she was flattered by your interest. Believe me, she definately new or at least suspected that you had an interest in her. Had you made your move, you might have learned sooner that she didn't want anything more than friendship. Its unfortunate that you approached her at a time where she was very vulnerable.

 

I think she is avoiding you because she doesn't want to deal with making excuses for not liking you the way you like her. Its unpleasant and she has bigger issues to deal with, like finding a job. The last thing on her mind is starting a relationship when she has no income.

 

My advice is to leave her alone. If anything is going to happen between you two it will have to be initiated by her.

[mkmlaw]

it's not confusing. it's simple really. you waited too long. by the time you finally made a move, she had already lost interest in you.

 

I would have to agree with the above quote. I had this exact thing happen in college. I really liked this guy and spent 90% of my time with him for months. I even took him to a sorority formal or two. He never made a move, despite the fact that we were around each other almost daily and every weekend. People always thought we were dating.

 

After months of this going on, I finally started to move on emotionally. Looking back, I would say that in the first few months, I had the natural endorphin high typical of a new relationship whenever I was around him. But that only last for the first few months. Once those ran their course, I "woke up" to the fact that nothing was ever going to happen, and grew frustrated at the fact that he didn't ever pursue a dating relationship with me.

 

Imagine my shock when, several months later and COMPLETELY out of the blue, he tried to kiss me. I freaked out and stopped him, because by then, I was already over it.

 

I don't know if that makes you feel any better, but at least it explains what may have happened in your case...

[Frankasy]

Well first of all I have to congratulate you on your post, it was indeed very deep, emotionally, detailed, well thought and it really shows that you poses great qualities as a person, bravo. I actually read it more than once and bookmarked it to read it again.

 

Now on your current situation: It feels like all of a sudden you're bought from earth to heaven, as if all of a sudden your life took a major turn, a positive one. You change your whole lifestyle about that special girl, can't imagine yourself without her and can't imagine how you might have thought of having sex with her only when in fact you just wanna hold her forever. You check your phone every second until they reply back, wonder about them every second and hope that even if you two don't wind up together, you'll be a special chapter in her life although she's been one for you a long time ago.

 

Seriously? I have no idea. I was in the same situation as you, I really did fall in love and everything changed in a matter of days, in only 48 hours I was bought from that fairy tale life that I had been living for around 5 months to hell, to the old life where you could never see a woman like you did with the special girl. Although it hasn't been long since that, I know that what happened those few days will remain in my memory forever, will haunt me from time to time, will will remind me how strange life is where you could climb to the top or fall rock bottom in a blink.

 

I know exactly how you feel. Like they say, the hardest part of holding on is letting go. NC is the only solution and although it might seem like something absurd to you, trust me, it does miracles, it did for. Let me list you some of the benefits of NC:

 

1. You won't look like you're a sad little nerd who has never had a gf before. By going NC, you're letting her know that you don't care about her, that your wounds have healed(Although they might have not) and that life will go on, with or without her.

 

2. You're gonna start hitting your head at the decision you took to make her your world, to make her the only thing you think about 24/7. NC will ease the pain a bit, it'll take her off your mind completely(Believe it or not) in a mere matter of days.

 

3. You'll move on with your life, your decisions won't be effected by her anymore since she won't be on your mind anymore(It come from the second).

 

In fact it has a few more which I might have forgotten but believe me, it's wonderful. Before you decide to go on with it, a few heads up.

 

1. In fact this is the most important tip, never give up. Even when you wanna break NC and talk to her, don't, be strong and eventually you won't even notice her. Each day will make you stronger, keep that in mind.

 

2. Avoid all contact with her, text, phone but especially Facebook or MySpace or if she's there, delete her from your friends. Looking at new pictures of her or her new status updates can be very hard on NC.

 

Best of luck buddy.

[WTRanger]

There is a bit more to this story but it's far too complicated to put into words. The situation sucks, plain and simple. I think Truly Lost has the best concept. But this girl was far too confusing in the start. She had no clue what she wanted and rather than deal with any sort of impending relationship or rejecting any sort of relationship with me, I think she just opted to back off then run away. Even if I had done anything sooner, it would have just ended the same way. Unless the first time I hung out with her, I tore her pants off and forced myself on her. Then I'd be in jail.

 

We all have a little version of ourselves on our shoulder for a reason, they might be moronic at times but they generally lead us in the right direction. I stand by all of my actions with no regrets, just a heavy heart at this time.

[WTRanger]

The part of the epic tale that is really messed up. She found a job within 2 weeks of being laid off. Fast forward to February of this year when it was all but impending that I was going to lose my job she told me that despite all that I did to help her during her rough times she couldn't make any time to be there for me. Not that she had plans, but she just didn't have the time. I guess I should have seen that one coming. She always had a very hard time reciprocating anything that I did. A classic example is Christmas, I got her a small thoughtful gift but it was nothing expensive or elaborate it was just something she had mentioned and I was able to track it down on the internet. Not that I really expected anything in return, but it would have been nice. That right there pretty planted the seed that doom was just around the corner. But how amazingly suprised she was when she got the gift, if that was an act then this girl needs an Oscar.

 

So within the span of 4 days in Feburary I scare her away into complete hiding, and the company that I've been ultra loyal to for the last 5 years decides to indeed lay me off to keep someone less talented but takes the boss out to lunch everyday. So I literally have nothing else to do but try and figure out WTF happened. I just wish at the end I would at least called her a stuck up c*nt or something. Then at least I'd deserve the absolute silent treatment from her.

 

Though, the more I post on these forums the less chance I have of sending her something. It's just the worst feeling in the world. You feel like you've been completely let down when that person basically turns their back on you, then they crush your heart when you put it all on the line, then the act like you've never existed to them. You start to think it was all your fault since it seems like you are the one being punished. It becomes harder every day to keep those thoughts that somehow you are the bad guy in all of this when you literally have nothing to do everyday but pace around your apartment and wonder how in the world you are going to pay your next set of bills.

 

It just seems as if the silent treatment, which I vastly differ from space, isn't the way to go here. There is an obvious issue that needs to be addressed, so why can't we be adults about this? What are we, in elementary school? Ohhhh, I won't talk to her becuase she won't talk to me. It just seems retarded. But I guess it would be even more elementary school if I constantly chased after her trying to get her to talk. I also know the ball is in her court, which I think it what is making it the most frustrating. I have zero control or idea or direction to where this is going to go. Because we left it so freakin' vague, it wasn't a goodbye or a hello or maybe or lose my number never talk to me again or anything. It's like reading the best book you've ever read and some bully comes by and rips the final chapter out. Then to compound things the bully holds the book over your head and taunts you while you try to jump and get it back. I still have things at her place, but should I ask for them back? I have yet to get the box with all of my sh*t smashed in it.

 

I wish I could just stop thinking about this mess. Even when I go on wickedly long walks to try to clear my head all I end up thinking about is this mess. All of this crap, it doesn't seem as if being honest was worth the effort. I should have just shut up, hid away my feelings until they poisoned me and endured the weirdness, then at least I'd still be talking to her today.

[carhill]

Write less, kiss more

[eric82]

She found a job within 2 weeks of being laid off. Fast forward to February of this year when it was all but impending that I was going to lose my job she told me that despite all that I did to help her during her rough times she couldn't make any time to be there for me. Not that she had plans, but she just didn't have the time. I guess I should have seen that one coming.

 

That's because her losing her job had nothing to do with the way she was treating you. It was coincidental. You're just trying to rationalize her behavior and overlooking the obvious: if you were giving her butterflies, she wouldn't have withdrew from you, period. Nothing, whether losing a job or anything else, would have kept her from being utterly infatuated with you.

 

She always had a very hard time reciprocating anything that I did.

 

See the problem wasn't that she didn't reciprocate, it's that you didn't acknowledge her lack of reciprocation for the big red flag that it was and bail on her. Her lack of giving was her way of saying you weren't that important to her. Generally, girls are indirect like that. When she doesn't give you gifts or go out of her way for you, it means she's selfish and not that into. Thus it's in your best interest to drop her.

 

A classic example is Christmas, I got her a small thoughtful gift but it was nothing expensive or elaborate it was just something she had mentioned and I was able to track it down on the internet. Not that I really expected anything in return, but it would have been nice. That right there pretty planted the seed that doom was just around the corner.

 

You had already struck out in her mind before Christmas. It was just a matter of her trying to figure out a way to break the news to you without making herself feel guilty about it.

 

But how amazingly surprised she was when she got the gift, if that was an act then this girl needs an Oscar.

 

Put yourself in her shoes. If some girl you lost feelings for bought you a gift, would you know how to react appropriately? It was a surprise because whether she anticipated the gift or not, she still didn't want to be forced into the confrontation of possibly coming across as an a**hole if she didn't respond politely, but at the same time she also didn't want to lead you on by being too polite about it.

 

So within the span of 4 days in Feburary I scare her away into complete hiding,

 

No, it was much more gradual than that. For the most part, you were already out before then, you just didn't know yet.

 

So I literally have nothing else to do but try and figure out WTF happened.

 

What happened is the way you acted around her turned her off. I can tell this just by the way you're talking about her. She's a prize in your mind, someone to go out of your way and make excuses for. Reality check: She's just a person like everyone else, dude. Girls don't want to be put on a pedestal or obsessed over, they want to be respected and when necessary called out on their b.s. She lost respect for you because the way you acted towards her didn't demand respect from her. You rationalized her disrespecting you. You accepted her withdrawal instead of calling her on it. When she started pulling away, you should have confronted her about it and if she didn't meet you half way, you should have pulled away. But you didn't, you pushed into her more. And I know why you did that. She looks good and you developed feelings for her, but so what? You went out of your way to rationalize everything for this looker instead of accepting the circumstances and her behavior for what they were turning your relations into. She was up, you were down. Regardless of her looks or however good she may have treated you in the past, if she wasn't still treating you good, then a relationship between you two could not have lasted. Don't get it mixed up. It's not your feelings that matter so much, it's her feelings (or lack thereof) towards you that's brought you to where you're at now. Your feelings are still there, hers went away.

 

I just wish at the end I would at least called her a stuck up c*nt or something. Then at least I'd deserve the absolute silent treatment from her.

 

Calling her names wouldn't have made much a difference. It may have stung her ego a bit, but that's about it. Stooping to the level of name calling would not have caused her to re-evaluate her behavior or feelings towards you, it would have justified in her mind writing you and your opinion off regardless of your legitimacy.

 

Though, the more I post on these forums the less chance I have of sending her something. It's just the worst feeling in the world. You feel like you've been completely let down when that person basically turns their back on you, then they crush your heart when you put it all on the line, then the act like you've never existed to them.

 

I know what you mean, but it's over now. There's no going back. Stay strong and don't contact her. You'll be better off for it in the long run.

 

You start to think it was all your fault since it seems like you are the one being punished. It becomes harder every day to keep those thoughts that somehow you are the bad guy in all of this when you literally have nothing to do everyday but pace around your apartment and wonder how in the world you are going to pay your next set of bills.

 

What you're doing is internalizing things instead of stepping back to gain perspective and learn from it all. It's not about fault and blame, it's about learning. Always remember: Never take the way a girl treats you personally. Just because you made mistakes and she disrespected you, doesn't mean you're not worth respecting. It means you're flawed like everyone and it took you losing her to learn more about yourself and life, to grow as a person and ultimately have more fulfilling relationships. You'll be better off from these kind of experiences if you allow the lessons they impart to sink in. That relationship is over, but life goes on.

 

It just seems as if the silent treatment, which I vastly differ from space, isn't the way to go here. There is an obvious issue that needs to be addressed, so why can't we be adults about this?

 

Her silence is what you need in order to have what happened truly sink in. You're not going to gain perspective and learn until she's no longer in your life, because her still being in contact with you will keep you stuck analyzing her motives and trying to explain issues of the past, instead of focusing on the present and your future without her.

 

 

Because we left it so freakin' vague, it wasn't a goodbye or a hello or maybe or lose my number never talk to me again or anything. It's like reading the best book you've ever read and some bully comes by and rips the final chapter out. Then to compound things the bully holds the book over your head and taunts you while you try to jump and get it back.

 

From my experience, romantic relationships rarely end on definite irrevocable terms. There's always that sense of vagueness, fizzling out, and general lack of closure. Even in cases when I would never go back, there's still that open-ended aspect. Things just fade out till you eventually accept it as the past. I think that's because it's difficult for me to say never again, even when I know I should. Life never turns out the way you think it should. People change. Life is change. It's coming to terms with this lack of control that's maturing. My most recent ex-gf cheated on me. It felt horrible. That was about a month and a half ago. She still tries to keep in touch but I just ignore her. It still feels terrible. I try my hardest to not take it personally. I wasn't the cheater. I'm better than that. I just cut her out of my life and have been forcing myself to move on. There's no going back.

 

I still have things at her place, but should I ask for them back? I have yet to get the box with all of my sh*t smashed in it.

 

Well, how important are the things you left behind? Unless they're irreplaceable, I say just forget it and leave them behind.

 

I wish I could just stop thinking about this mess. Even when I go on wickedly long walks to try to clear my head all I end up thinking about is this mess. All of this crap, it doesn't seem as if being honest was worth the effort. I should have just shut up, hid away my feelings until they poisoned me and endured the weirdness, then at least I'd still be talking to her today.

 

You're going to think about it a lot whether you try to or not. Try to think about other stuff, but also don't get down on yourself for recycling the same thoughts of her over and over in your head. It's necessary to process the feelings. It took me like 2 years to get over one of my past girlfriends. I never thought I would make it through, but I did.

[WTRanger]

I thank you all for your responses. It has provided me with some interesting insight. I can't dive into this girl's past but let me just say she had a very rocky past 4 years, before I even knew her. Her landing that job was a fresh start and she was just getting on her feet when the bottom dropped out again. I'll agree that I pushed too far into her when she just needed a friend there to support her.

 

But I also think her silent treatment is a game, she wants to be pursued and I'm not willing to play it. I want to play this game like adults and just f'n clear the turd from the punchbowl and move on with our lives, whether we're a part of each others life or we decide it'd be too weird. But Jesus Christ on a cracker, the silent mode isn't the way to go. I have my reasons for believing that too, but I won't dive into them too deeply. But let me just say I believe in absolute forgiveness and even if you can't accept an apology right away I believe in at least acknowledging the fact that the other person is at least willing to work things out. You never know what could happen during the reconciliation process, but you'll never find out unless you at least try. However, not everyone thinks the way I do. I have to accept that.

 

I can only say this from first hand experience and that is getting laid off changes your mindset entirely, 100%. Even if you are in the best of places mentally, you go to beyond rock bottom in a matter of seconds. That's a fact. You think nothing in the past or future is worth effort anymore and you retract into your own head which in turn just makes things so much worse. Believe me, I'm going through it now. I had been established for 5 years in that company, now what? I fear I'll lose everything that I have right now so to stop the fear I have started to cut things that are close to me out. If they aren't there, I can't lose them. You question EVERYONE and their motives. You start to think EVERYONE is out to get you and screw you over somehow. Believe me, and unless you've been laid off as the both of us have where it was obvious that the company kept the less qualified but more ass-kissing individuals, you can't say that your mind wouldn't close tighter than a steel trap. We were getting closer and closer as we got to know each other and we were starting to blur the line between friends/co-workers and something more serious. She had no problem being there for me when my mom was ill, she got a get-well gift for my mom. It was 50/50 as to who initiated the time we hung out. However and my gut tells me this so I'm going with it, if I would have tried anything more forward than what I did she would have blocked it stating that I was moving too fast. But that all changed, literally, the day she got laid off. That's when she became this entirely different person.

 

Is that an excuse for her actions? Maybe, maybe not. I know what she was mentally going through at the time though. Did she get a lot of external pressure from her mom and step-mom to get into a relationship with me? Yes. Did she want me to be the rebound guy? Probably not. But I'll go to my grave by thinking the reason she back so far off so fast was that she indeed realized that there may be something between us, even if it was just puppy love and a relationship wouldn't have even started. I again can say this from first hand experience in the past. The last girl friend who I had a similar situation to this where she dropped of the face of the earth for no real reason, I only found out years later, from her contacting me out of the blue, that the reason she ran away was to get away from her feelings for me. Which is why she started acting distant and when I called her on it she spouted off some rant as to why she couldn't see me anymore. She refused to believe her own head that she liked me because I didn't fit the "mold" of the person she'd fall in love with.

 

So for now, I'm just trying to survive. It's how we survive that makes us who we are. I'll keep on hoping that she contacts me. Because a great man once said,

"Remember, Red. Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things and no good thing ever dies."

I'll leave you with one final quote about acts of kindness, I don't know who said it or where it came from....

 

I expect to pass through this world but once;

any good thing therefore that I can do, or any

kindness that I can show to any fellow-creature,

let me do it now; let me not defer or neglect it,

for I shall not pass this way again.

So I do not regret anything I did and I do not hold a grudge against her. Anytime she needed my help I didn't neglect it, so if that is what pushed her away then I guess I'm OK with that. I helped her though some rough times and it's just unfortunate that she's not around to help me through mine right now. This is was life has given me, so it's time to stop working against it and start working with it. If she contacts me, I'm not going to play the silence game back. I'll be civil towards her and talk to her back. If we can get back on even ground, then that's the best I can hope for.

[eric82]

You're NOT listening! Stop speaking from your ego and trying to rationalize her motives. "I know what she was going through mentally." No, you don't. You might know what it's like to lose a job or lose interest in a girl, but you don't know why she lost interest in you. That much is blatantly obvious. You're trying to rationalize her withdrawal as self-preservation or concern for your feelings, when really it was just her low interest in you that called things quit in a roundabout way. Do you really think if she was into you, she would ever risk losing you? Of course not. She would go out of her way to keep you. The same was the case with your ex-girlfriend. It was good that you called her on her sh*t, but don't confuse her bailing from it as you making a mistake... you did yourself a favor by bringing things out into the open. It dealt with the issue at hand and showed that you two weren't meant to be, instead of prolonging and excusing, as is the case with this current girl.

[WTRanger]

You're right, I think you're right. Not listening is what got me here. Maybe it's time to stop seeing things as they should be but seeing them for what they are. Still, it's not something to come to terms with overnight. It's just a slow process on my side. That's why this board was invented. It's full of posts where there a completely lopsided feelings that are obvious to all observers but not yet obvious the the person. I just need to open my eyes and take the first step.