Damaged217 Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Bare with me, for this will be a little lengthy. I need some insight. 11 months ago, I found a myspace message my boyfriend (of a year and 7 months at the time) had sent to an ex he dated 6 YEARS AGO (at the time) for only 3 MONTHS! Before I talk about this, there is background information that is necessary to discuss. This was his first love. She also happened to be there for him during a very rough time in his life(drunk driving accident that resulted in the death of his best friend). She broke things off after 3 months because she was young and going off to college the next year and she wanted to see what else was out there. He remained friends with her. He dated another girl for a year and they broke up. The first love came home from school and they made out for like a week (even though she had a bf of 2 years). This was 3 years after my bf and her dated. My bf claims that was a one time thing and he would never take back an ex. All throughout our relationship, I had insecurities about exes, this girl Jenny in particular. After many fights about her, he told me, "If I had feelings for any of my exes, it would be Nyssa (the first love)." Since then, I became very insecure about her. At the time he would still talk to her on myspace. She called once while I was at his house because she was coming into town and she wanted to hang out. I didn't make a big deal about it. My bf claims she never came over to hang out. He would say stupid things about her from time to time. First, he said that I reminded him of her and that is what attracted him to me in the beginning. That kind of hurt. 2 days before he wrote her the myspace message, he blurted out that, "she would have been the one if she never left me." Um, OUCH. I got drunk the next day and brought that up and I cried. I don't remember what was said. The day AFTER that was when he wrote her. He told me he wasn't sober when he did it. This is what he wrote... The subject line read "Moment of Weakness..." "I have a quick question...I know we don't talk anymore and i'm sorry about that, but i was just wondering...and answer this as honest as you can for me please, if you want to, but why do I still feel like I miss you so much everyday? I know you probably hate me for all the stupid **** I've done and I don't deserve an honest answer but I don't understand it and i wanna understand it. I do want to love my girlfriend, I don't wanna hurt her cuz she's such an awesome and beautiful person, but she'll always remind me of you, everyday. I just wanted to let you know how i feel. I wanted for once to tell you the full truth and I'm trying not to be the person i was before. lying to myself and lying to everyone else only has hurt myself and those around me. I feel that i should tell my girlfriend how i feel about you and how i feel about her and let her decide if she'd like to keep things going. I figured I'd be truthful to you and let you decide what you want to tell me and what you want me to believe you feel towards me. I want to change so badly but I never will until I am so honest to myself and everyone around and repent for all the wrongs I've done to everyone in my life. I do miss you everyday, I always am hoping that you're doing fine without me everyday, and I do and I always will worry for you always. I do love you Nyssa and you were my first love ever and I can never change that. No matter what happens within both of our lives and who we end up with if we ever end up with anyone else I just hope that you keep with you the truth I've told you in this message and know that I am sorry for any pain I have caused you in the past. You are a magical person and if the world was filled with people like you to make a person like me pure and whole this world would grow into a new age with no discrimination or hate or greed. I thank God everyday that I've had the chance to meet you, even if it was for a brief period, and I hope that I'll make sense to this life one day and you'll see my name and smile because I'll be such a noble and peaceful person and I will strive to help people throughout the world to make this world a better place for all of God's children. Once again, I want to thank you Nyssa. God bless and keep me within your heart as I keep you within mine til the end of time." When I read that, it felt like someone ripped the still-beating heart right out of my chest and put it in a blender. This guy is my first and only love. After 3 months with me, he wanted to move to where I go to school. (we live 3 hours away because of school). He was my everything. It felt like the world was made just for us. Everything was great so I didn't understand why he wrote that. I still don't understand it. Because of my insecurities, I had a major problem with snooping. I told him I found the message and he told me it was an elaborate plan to see if I was snooping and to help me deal with my insecurities. Bull ****. Later on he said he thought I would leave him and he didn't want to be alone. He said I never loved anyone else so I would never understand why he wrote that. Then he said he doesn't think like other people. He says he thinks in abstract so people misinterpret his words all of the time. He claims he just wanted to thank her for being there during those rough times and that the message was a goodbye to her. Now he says he doesn't know why he wrote it, but that he is done with that part of his life. The pain hasn't gone away. I experience it less frequently, but it still stings as much as it did that very first time I read those words. I used to sob hysterically every single day for months. Then I would shed a tear every day. Now it's still in the back of my mind and so many things remind me of that pain. I still cry, but only after I see something that really reminds me of that incident. (that's still pretty often. At least once a month) My boyfriend cut all communication with that girl. He claims he doesn't give a **** about her. I'm his soulmate. I mean the world to me. And he wants to marry me. He tells me he never saw a future with any exes, but he does with me. I know he loves me a lot. But I can't help but to feel like he's only with me because this girl didn't respond the way he wanted her to. She said they were different people now and things would never be the same and they live in different states. I cant help but feel like second choice and that is what is hurting us. Things haven't been the same. I hardly want to kiss him anymore. That passion that we once had is gone. I still love him and I yearn for the way things used to be. But I can't seem to let go of this hurt, anger, and insecurities. I don't know what to do. Can things ever go back to the way they were? Or will I just hang this over his head forever? I trust him, but not when it comes to this girl. I can't believe a word that he says because he lied so much about it. How do I get over this? How do I learn to believe that I am his soulmate?
DaisyBelle Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 I suggest taking some time apart with no contact. You both sound like you're still working through some past issues, he with Nyssa and you with trust issues.
Author Damaged217 Posted March 4, 2009 Author Posted March 4, 2009 Trust has been a problem with me from the very beginning. I've been screwed over by other guys and by friends and I have very little trust in people. That is why I used to snoop so much. He finally got fed up with me last summer after I confessed that I snooped again and he said he didn't know if he could continue with someone who didn't trust him. That scared me and ever since then, I haven't snooped. I do trust him. But like I said, after everything he's said about the N-word (I can't even say her name. It makes me sick) and after telling me he never thought about her, but then sending her a message which proved otherwise, I can't trust him in regards to her. That's only fair, right? Why should I trust him about her when he lied to me so much? This happened 11 months ago and I think it would be awkward to take time apart now. He is also coming to visit me for the next 5 days. I did tell him that he needs to analyze the situation and tell me why he wrote that message and what he expected to come from it. I need that to get any closure. I told him if he can't give me closure, I have to walk away. And that he better not be making up excuses just to keep me from leaving him. Perhaps after he goes back home, I should tell him we should avoid contact until he figures everything out? Will that prove to him that I mean business and make him see what life would be like without me?
missdependant Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Lady, I have been through almost the same exact thing. It's been a year since my situation happened.. though our scenarios are a little different. Mine cheated on me, then continued to talk to his ex. I demanded that they stop or I'd leave him, because it was only making things worse. They stopped. She continues to harass both of us daily, sort of stalkerish. It bothered me for a long time, but recently I've found it humorous. Has he done anything to try and earn your trust back? And have you done anything to trust him a little bit more? I think the important thing to remember is that the more insecure we are, the more it pushes our bf's or gf's away. The more deceitful we are has the same result. I find that when I do things that increase my self-esteem, I feel better. Such as working out, dressing up nicely, doing things that I'm good at, getting my nails done, going out with girlfriends on lady's nights.. It takes up my time and keeps my thoughts off the negative things. I can't say my relationship is perfect now.. we go through phases where we have some problems. It usually happens whenever his ex contacts either of us. We have agreed that if she ever contacts him, he will tell me and not hide it from me and vice versa. I think openness is a great thing, and trusting that you will be open with each other.
Oceanstar Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 Geez, this guy sounds like someone I dated for 6 months 3 years ago! I haven't spoken to him since I broke it off but he still sends me creepy emails like that with him hoping God blesses me and stuff and how great it was to know me... I guess there's one of them in every country huh. Anyway, my ex was actually pretty fragile and had alot of issues, very clingy (wish I knew this at the time). Maybe it's a similar thing here- he has this emotional attachment with that girl due to a traumatic experience he was going through back then and he's his tied his recovery and getting over the death to her. Sorry, I re-read your post but I think the guy you're dating is a moron. How can you put up with someone like that? You remind him of her?! "He said I never loved anyone else so I would never understand why he wrote that." I'm sure he loves you but geez, this guy is crossing all kinds of lines and being very inappropriate on so many levels. Out of curiousity, what do your friends/family think about this?
cheerie Posted March 8, 2009 Posted March 8, 2009 You poor poor thing. What an awful thing to have to read, I would feel exactly the same way you are. It certainly is hard to work out what he REALLY feels, and I agree with above posts that you may need some time out from each other. Nevertheless, I am a firm believer in NEVER settling, you deserve better than someone who doesn't love you the same way as you feel about him. This may not be the case but it sounds like he doesn't appreciate what he has and he is living in the past. Perhaps he feels concerned about being alone and is scared to have to face everything by himself, hence the attachment to this girl from the past?
Author Damaged217 Posted March 12, 2009 Author Posted March 12, 2009 I don't really know how he CAN earn my trust back. He's a lot more honest now, that I know. He says he doesn't think about the ex anymore and she means nothing to him, but I can't seem to allow myself to believe that. I agree about the self-esteem thing. I even told him that the message made me feel like **** about myself...like I wasn't good enough or attractive. I told him if I worked out more and got some self-esteem back that it might be easier for me to let this go. But who knows? As far as me trusting him more, I don't know. I don't snoop anymore at all. But I think I don't snoop anymore because I'm scared. I'm scared that I will see another mesage like the one I saw before and just want to die. I know in my heart that he would never cheat of me physically. He's not that type of guy. But that doesn't make me feel better. I almost wish he had cheated on my physically. It probably would have been easier to get angry and tell him to eff off. This situation is hard because even though he wrote that message, I know he loves me. I have never questioned his love for me. The problem now is that I can't seem to believe that I am the love of his life, his one and only and that's the problem.
Author Damaged217 Posted March 12, 2009 Author Posted March 12, 2009 Anyway, my ex was actually pretty fragile and had alot of issues, very clingy (wish I knew this at the time). Maybe it's a similar thing here- he has this emotional attachment with that girl due to a traumatic experience he was going through back then and he's his tied his recovery and getting over the death to her. Out of curiousity, what do your friends/family think about this? Are you sure we didn't date the same guy, lol? My bf has tons of issues and he is also very clingy and needy. He always needs attention from me. As far as what you said about the emotional attachment thing, I think you are dead on. He even told me something like that. Though he's not really over the death of his friend even now. But there was a fire at the store he was working at and he had to put it out. This was a few days before the whole incident. He told me that kind of reminded him of the past and that's why he wrote her. That still makes me feel like crap though because here is this fire and he doesn't know if he's going to live and it makes him think about her? Shouldn't I be on his mind? I don't know what to think. He hasn't mentioned her at all since last summer which makes me feel a little better. You would think because of what happened he would conditiom himself not to say things about her. But he doesn't work that way. Whatever he thinks, it comes out of his mouth which is why he said all that other crap about her while we were dating even though I told him it upset me. So that makes me think maybe he really is over her. I don't know how to tell for sure. If I only knew that for sure, I could get over this whole mess. My family's opinions are biased. They love me and don't want to see me hurt. So of course they are going to bad mouth him and say he is no good. My friends basically tell me what you guys are telling me. Why should I keep putting myself through this depression and anguish? I deserve to be happy....yada yada. But he's a great guy. Despite what he did to me, he loves me and shows me that all of the time. He's sweet and he tells me I'm beautiful and he's kind and he puts up with my bull (I have anger issues). But I keep thinking about the past and all the **** he put me through last summer and it makes he hate him all over again and part of me wishes that I had left him when I had a chance. I re-read some journal entries from last summer and I see have naive I was back then. I'm in the real world now. If he ever does anything like that to me again, it's over for good. If he even mentions her name again out of the blue, I would leave him. No doubt about it. But I love him so much that I feel he deserves another chance. And who doesn't get confused now and then? I know it seems like I'm making up excuses for him and I might be. But all I know is that I love him and I really want things to work out. I can't picture my life without him.
cute Posted April 6, 2009 Posted April 6, 2009 Gurl i've been through exactly the same.... u know what i don wanna hurt u or make u feel worse ....but take it from me....He's NOT worthy of you! I know u loved him...love him so much....but he WONT change...JUST dump him:eek:...someobody who loves u wont let u shed a tear or disrespect you by sending messages like that to his X....i've seen all this ... and know how i felt...I'm really really glad he's not in my life nymore....i hate him.....& i'm confident that there are many other great guys out there who'd treat me like princesss , respect & love meeeeeee !!!! U will be thank ful to me one day...and now that u've made up ur mind to give him on elast chance...PLZ be strong & dont think twice if he hurts u again....just DUMP him ...take care & smile alwayssssss no matter what!!!
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