Damaged217 Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Bare with me, for this will be a little lengthy. I need some insight. 11 months ago, I found a myspace message my boyfriend (of a year and 7 months at the time) had sent to an ex he dated 6 YEARS AGO (at the time) for only 3 MONTHS! Before I talk about this, there is background information that is necessary to discuss. This was his first love. She also happened to be there for him during a very rough time in his life(drunk driving accident that resulted in the death of his best friend). She broke things off after 3 months because she was young and going off to college the next year and she wanted to see what else was out there. He remained friends with her. He dated another girl for a year and they broke up. The first love came home from school and they made out for like a week (even though she had a bf of 2 years). This was 3 years after my bf and her dated. My bf claims that was a one time thing and he would never take back an ex. All throughout our relationship, I had insecurities about exes, this girl Jenny in particular. After many fights about her, he told me, "If I had feelings for any of my exes, it would be Nyssa (the first love)." Since then, I became very insecure about her. At the time he would still talk to her on myspace. She called once while I was at his house because she was coming into town and she wanted to hang out. I didn't make a big deal about it. My bf claims she never came over to hang out. He would say stupid things about her from time to time. First, he said that I reminded him of her and that is what attracted him to me in the beginning. That kind of hurt. 2 days before he wrote her the myspace message, he blurted out that, "she would have been the one if she never left me." Um, OUCH. I got drunk the next day and brought that up and I cried. I don't remember what was said. The day AFTER that was when he wrote her. He told me he wasn't sober when he did it. This is what he wrote... The subject line read "Moment of Weakness..." "I have a quick question...I know we don't talk anymore and i'm sorry about that, but i was just wondering...and answer this as honest as you can for me please, if you want to, but why do I still feel like I miss you so much everyday? I know you probably hate me for all the stupid **** I've done and I don't deserve an honest answer but I don't understand it and i wanna understand it. I do want to love my girlfriend, I don't wanna hurt her cuz she's such an awesome and beautiful person, but she'll always remind me of you, everyday. I just wanted to let you know how i feel. I wanted for once to tell you the full truth and I'm trying not to be the person i was before. lying to myself and lying to everyone else only has hurt myself and those around me. I feel that i should tell my girlfriend how i feel about you and how i feel about her and let her decide if she'd like to keep things going. I figured I'd be truthful to you and let you decide what you want to tell me and what you want me to believe you feel towards me. I want to change so badly but I never will until I am so honest to myself and everyone around and repent for all the wrongs I've done to everyone in my life. I do miss you everyday, I always am hoping that you're doing fine without me everyday, and I do and I always will worry for you always. I do love you Nyssa and you were my first love ever and I can never change that. No matter what happens within both of our lives and who we end up with if we ever end up with anyone else I just hope that you keep with you the truth I've told you in this message and know that I am sorry for any pain I have caused you in the past. You are a magical person and if the world was filled with people like you to make a person like me pure and whole this world would grow into a new age with no discrimination or hate or greed. I thank God everyday that I've had the chance to meet you, even if it was for a brief period, and I hope that I'll make sense to this life one day and you'll see my name and smile because I'll be such a noble and peaceful person and I will strive to help people throughout the world to make this world a better place for all of God's children. Once again, I want to thank you Nyssa. God bless and keep me within your heart as I keep you within mine til the end of time." When I read that, it felt like someone ripped the still-beating heart right out of my chest and put it in a blender. This guy is my first and only love. After 3 months with me, he wanted to move to where I go to school. (we live 3 hours away because of school). He was my everything. It felt like the world was made just for us. Everything was great so I didn't understand why he wrote that. I still don't understand it. Because of my insecurities, I had a major problem with snooping. I told him I found the message and he told me it was an elaborate plan to see if I was snooping and to help me deal with my insecurities. Bull ****. Later on he said he thought I would leave him and he didn't want to be alone. He said I never loved anyone else so I would never understand why he wrote that. Then he said he doesn't think like other people. He says he thinks in abstract so people misinterpret his words all of the time. He claims he just wanted to thank her for being there during those rough times and that the message was a goodbye to her. Now he says he doesn't know why he wrote it, but that he is done with that part of his life. The pain hasn't gone away. I experience it less frequently, but it still stings as much as it did that very first time I read those words. I used to sob hysterically every single day for months. Then I would shed a tear every day. Now it's still in the back of my mind and so many things remind me of that pain. I still cry, but only after I see something that really reminds me of that incident. (that's still pretty often. At least once a month) My boyfriend cut all communication with that girl. He claims he doesn't give a **** about her. I'm his soulmate. I mean the world to him. And he wants to marry me. He tells me he never saw a future with any exes, but he does with me. I know he loves me a lot. But I can't help but to feel like he's only with me because this girl didn't respond the way he wanted her to. She said they were different people now and things would never be the same and they live in different states. I cant help but feel like second choice and that is what is hurting us. Things haven't been the same. I hardly want to kiss him anymore. That passion that we once had is gone. I still love him and I yearn for the way things used to be. But I can't seem to let go of this hurt, anger, and insecurities. I don't know what to do. Can things ever go back to the way they were? Or will I just hang this over his head forever? I trust him, but not when it comes to this girl. I can't believe a word that he says because he lied so much about it. How do I get over this? How do I learn to believe that I am his soulmate?
Summerbrewster Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Men are stupid and do stupid things. My husband had an affair when we had been married less than 3 years. He even told this woman he loved her, gave her flowers, gifts, etc. When I saw her I was shocked. She's not even very attractive and she's kinda skanky looking. The reason this was so surprising is that if you could see how loving he always was to me you would be totally shocked too. Everybody was floored. It sounds to me as though your boyfriend is asking for closure from this girl. You know, like 'if you just TELL me it's over once and for all' I can move on with this other wonderful girl who deserves something better than what I've been giving her. But, who knows? He probably doesn't even know. Even though it really hurts, if you get out of that relationship you will someday get over him even if you try not to because he has done something specific to hurt you. Of course, I am still with my begging, pleading, desperate husband so who am I to give advice. What I can tell you is that from what you posted, you deserve better than this and I think you know it. You've heard the old say, 'if you love something, set it free. if it is yours, it will come back on it's own' or something like that??? It might be a valuable test in not wasting your life to try it. Maybe I can find the strength too...
Author Damaged217 Posted March 4, 2009 Author Posted March 4, 2009 He did tell me that the message was a goodbye to this girl. The way you worded your thoughts about him wanting closure made me wish that what his intention. The end result though is that he wanted to see if there was an opportunity to be with his first love. And if she didn't want him, he would settle for me, someone who reminds him of her. That's the way I think about it. He was always great to me though which makes it so hard to believe he would want anyone else. I wish this ex was as ugly as the others, but no, this girl has to be gorgeous. She's skanky, but gorgeous. She was also a virgin when she dated my bf. How cute is that? *barf* That's probably why my bf still wanted her. Who could resist the cute little virgin girl who made every guy want to be a better man? *more barf* Anyway, like your husband, my bf was extremely loving and sweet and all of my friends were also shocked by his actions. He still is very lovey dovey. But I'm not affectionate because I am holding on to these feelings of hurt and anger. Part of me wants to let him go, but I'm not sure he would come back. He's always told me that he would never get back together with an ex. He always tells me that if I ever leave him, he won't ever take me back. I don't know if that is really true or if that was his way of making me stay with him. The day I found that message, he called me and I told him it was over. After things settled down a bit, he told me that my threat to break up angered him and that if I ever did it again, it was over for good. But I do think if I were to let him go and he came back, even though he said what he said, then maybe it was meant to be. But I'm too scared to let go to see what would happen. I don't know what's harder. Staying with him and trying to get over this or leaving him and moving on. I know I deserve better than this. I deserve to be happy. The thing about it though is that he made me ridiculously happy for a year and 7 months before the incident. And I'm still hanging onto that. I'm hanging on to the hope, as little as it is, that we can get back what we used to have. I don't know if I'm just a fool or what. Yesterday I told him that I need closure and in order for that to happen, he needs to analyze that message and tell me exactly why he wrote it and what he expected to come from it. I told him I don't want him making up any BS excuse just so that I won't leave him. If I can't get closure from that, I won't have a choice but to walk away. I can't continue living my life like this...crying at anything that reminds me of the incident. I tell him I forgive him, but not really. I can forgive him completely, but only if I know FOR SURE that he is OVER this girl completely. That's the hard part though. I don't understand the male gender. I'm sorry about what happened with your husband. Guys are d-bags. I hope we can both figure things out soon! The bad ones screw you over. The nice ones screw you over. The rest don't know how to screw you. -Sex & the City P.S. Did anyone watch the Bachelor last night? Ouch. I thought he was a nice guy. Turned out he was a needy, confused jerk like my bf. Maybe I need to start dating girls...
citizen67 Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Your situation sucks and you sound miserable. I think it won't work if you can't trust him, and how can you trust him after that message? and then his "it was an elaborate hoax to see if you'd snoop" lie - does he think you are stupid? This is easy for me to say I know, but I think you should walk away. I also don't like his "if you ever break up with me that's it forever" crap - that's manipulative. He's allowed to send a "I stll love you and think of you all the time" message to a girl on my space but you aren't allowed to react to that by saying you need a break to sort out your feelings? He's controlling
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