Peaceandlove Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 I live in the UK and my boyfriend moved to Sacramento last September, after a 5-year PDR. He's not an American citizen, but he is highly skilled so he followed his dream and moved to the US...he wants me to move out there but i'm really concerned with how difficult and complicated it would be for me to find a job and get a work-visa. Even if it weren't so hard to move there he hasn't mentioned anything about an official commitment along the lines of getting engaged/married; so I'm really hesitant... The time difference is killing me- staying up until 3am to talk to him after he's finished work...it just doesn't feel fair anymore. Even worse when he calls me from work at 2am and after 10' says he has to rush off the catch the bus..makes me feel angry, annoyed and unapreciated. Don't know how to react anymore and this situation is affecting my grad school performance..not fair I'd appreciate any thoughts you may have- I'm really in need of some advice on how to cope /deal with it/ get through it.. Thanks xxxx
terra Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Have you talked to him about your frustration? Maybe if you let him know that you feel that you are making all of the concessions such as staying up late or getting woken at 2:00 for a 10 min rushed phone call. Perhaps you can work out a schedule such as he calls you on his lunch break or gets up earlier to call you before he rushes off to work. Maybe also open the lines of communication about the future. After a 5 year relationship I think its fair to ask him where he sees himself in the next 5 years. I think it might make you feel more secure and have an end to focus on. Hope that helps a bit!
Island Girl Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 I completely understand the time difference problem. My husband is 20 to 21 hours ahead. And for the main part of our LDR I worked at 5am. So it made things quite difficult to say the least. Thankfully he didn't have a "real" job and could talk whenever I could considering the time difference. I mean, I would call in the early evening my time - 7pm or so and it would be 4 or 5pm his time. There were plenty of times when we would have an issue going on - but I had to make my work here a priority. And I did. We were in a place where our relationship wasn't permanent. So I made myself and my life here (work) a priority. Communication at the point had to be secondary. So while it was still a priority, it came behind what I had to do to take care of myself. I think that is the position you are in. You have to focus on your schooling. It has everything to do with your future. He has days off of work, right? Why don't the two of you make the most of those days? I guess what I am finding hard to understand is that you have been together for 5 years but you still haven't discussed your commitment for the future. That is what made it easier in my relationship as far as not being able to talk very often - that's how it is now. But I know the end goal. I know we are on the same page and even if we don't talk as often the relationship is comfortable. I am confident in it and he is as well. A discussion as far as where you both see the relationship is the best course of action. After all it has been over 5 years that you have invested at this point. It is reasonable that you would want to know where this is going and how he sees this working out in the long run.
sb129 Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 LDRs are hard. IslandGirl has my utmost respect, as she has been in a LDR for ages, and doesn't even have the support of her mom (I didn't know that IG, I am sorry to hear that) yet she still manages to be one of the most rational, positive, lovely ladies on LS. Peaceandlove- I agree with IG, having an end goal to work towards makes things so much easier to get through in the short term. Even if its just a visit or a holiday together, or something as small as a designated skype time where you get to talk for more than 10 minutes- you need to feel like its worth your keeping it going. Talk to your BF about this, and let him know how you are feeling. Good luck.
TMichaels Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Wonderbaby due on 14th October 2009! sb129, Just noticed your sig. Does it mean what I think it does? If so, congrats! What an exciting development for both of you! Wishing you all the best! Best, TMichaels
Nicodaemos Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 he went to America. ok, but was he successful in getting a job, is it stable, if so, can he support you. Yea, like said, yall need to sit down and figure out who is off when, and figure out times to be together, and not just for a quick hello in the early morning. maybe if its not possible, maybe see if different class times are available, or different work shifts for him. You said he is not a citizen, so how much longer does he have to stay in the country. if nothing has been said about commitment, it sounds like its time to start talking, and really talk, no vagueness, no maybe, get it out, get it said, get it definate. get some times set to visit him, or him return and visit you. Like everyone else says, talk, get it out, tell him how you feel. As much as it may hurt, if things cant work now, maybe put it on hold, or cool it off until the work, school situation can be settled. I hope that you two can work out a way to stay together, and both can be happy, and be successful in school, and work, and can share in each others joy. Calm and believe things can work.
sb129 Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 sb129, Just noticed your sig. Does it mean what I think it does? If so, congrats! What an exciting development for both of you! Wishing you all the best! Best, TMichaels Yes, it does! Thank you.
Author Peaceandlove Posted March 6, 2009 Author Posted March 6, 2009 Thanks everyone for your thought provoking feedback, much appreciated. On talking to him about my concerns, and explaining why I feel that a decision on my behalf to move out there is a life-changing one and I'm definitely committing myself to this relationship...but even though he says that i'm an integral part of his life and he sees me as his soul-mate he does not want to commit- even if it's for a (provisionally) long engagement. He says it's the most important decision of his life which he is not willing to make right now- but on playing devil's advocate I say that maybe he's not sure if I'm the one for him. For me, moving to a different continent for someone is probably one of the most determining and important decisions of my life. And I'm thinking that maybe it's not something I should do for someone who doesn't seem mature enough to appreciate it. Does anyone have a different take on this...? Thanks everyone!
Island Girl Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 If you've been together for 5 years and he is encouraging to move here to be with him - he should be able to kick up the commitment level. I do not think this is a winning situation. I am truly sorry. Even if he did a 180 right now and decided he did want to get engaged you would best serve yourself by being wary. I wouldn't move to be with someone after 5 years who still wasn't sure I was "the one". Better to cut off the commitment and explore what else is out there.
TMichaels Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 ...he sees me as his soul-mate he does not want to commit- even if it's for a (provisionally) long engagement. He says it's the most important decision of his life which he is not willing to make right now- but on playing devil's advocate I say that maybe he's not sure if I'm the one for him. For me, moving to a different continent for someone is probably one of the most determining and important decisions of my life. And I'm thinking that maybe it's not something I should do for someone who doesn't seem mature enough to appreciate it. Peaceandlove, To be perfectly practical and realistic about it, even though your b/f was able to land a job in the U.S. and is working there right now, unless you were to come to the States on a student visa, odds are very slim you'd be able to do the same. I have no idea what your qualifications are, so don't think I am trying to be critical or doubt your "professional worth," but as you've probably heard, things are not good here in the States. California isn't exempt from the economic downturn. In fact, unemployment there is now above 10% -- the highest its been since 1983. However, that little fly in the ointment doesn't address the larger issue -- that it sounds like you two are on different wavelengths at the moment. He's off on an amazing adventure of sorts -- working and enjoying life in sunny California. You're back home in the U.K. trying to pursue your graduate level studies. That alone is not so bad -- you're both trying to achieve your dreams... But, what I sense from your posts is that you aren't feeling he's sacrificing as much as you are in order to maintain the relationship. You're staying up late to try to talk to him. When you do talk he's always in a rush, and all the worry, angst and late hours are affecting you academically -- and what's worse, it feels like he doesn't care if it does. You need affirmation that the relationship is worth "going the distance" -- whether that be in the form of him being more considerate, agreeing to an engagement or a commitment to marry. An eminently practical, problem-solving male, he thinks all the problems between you could be solved if you were just in the same time zone. But to you, that solution feels like just one more huge sacrifice *you'd* be making which leaves you right back where you started -- feeling like your needs and feelings are less important than his. If that's what's going on here, then you owe it to him to tell him and give him an opportunity to address the problem. (And, no -- he's not allowed to float the "coming to the U.S." balloon again, because it's just not viable.) If he does step up to the plate, then great. If he doesn't, then you have to decide what *you* want... Be miserable? Turn a blind eye? Take a break? If the two of you aren't able to come up with a way to achieve more "equality" in your relationship, I am afraid you won't be able to go the distance - literally or figuratively. Successful relationships are partnerships and if you two aren't on the same page about that, perhaps as you say, you're not the one for him... AND vice versa... at least at the moment, anyway. HTH, TMichaels
Author Peaceandlove Posted March 7, 2009 Author Posted March 7, 2009 Thanks for the responses! IslandGirl- thanks for the honest advice, my friends gave me very similar advise..I guess when you are viewing things from a distance you have a clearer view, which is why ppl on this thread and friends&family all see the blindingly obvious which I have trouble deciding on... TMichaels- it's amazing that you have managed to describe the situation i'm in better than i could- my bf is in fact working at a university which is an entirely different job-market, hence he was able to find a job there relatively easily If we were in-fact married then i could have gone to the US as his spouse on his visa (the visa he has allows partners to work) and things would have been a lot simpler on that front. I no professional work experience which does not help when applying for jobs in a place you don't have permission to work- which also excludes the possibility of internships. I have a science MSc and I'm working towards a second one in environmental science and speak three languages; I'm in a great position to be applying for jobs here but in the US it's a whole different ballgame!
Lucky_One Posted March 7, 2009 Posted March 7, 2009 My mom always said that if a man hasn't proposed by the end of three years, that he never will.
Bearandsue Posted March 11, 2009 Posted March 11, 2009 I am sorry for the situation you are in. LDRs are really hard but we make the best of it. It cannot be one sided where on half is giving more than the other. I think he need to step up and commit. You have been together for 5 years. If he doesnt know now, when will he know. I think You should talk to him and make your feelings absolutely clear. IMO a LDR has to have definite plans in order to work. It dont matter if its short term plans or plans for the future. Just things to look forward to. I am ranting.....Thats just my opinion
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