AnthonyF Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 So I find this site after reading the Globe & Mail (Canada's National Newspaper) article on sexless marriages Thursday February 26. Yes it is an old story and certainly lamented and the reason for countless posts. I'll be honest we males are completely out of touch and can't understand the reason that sex drives can wane like they do. I am attaching some of my posts from a previous thread and will comment and ramble as is my nature as I need to get this off my chest.... Thanks to those who read the post and respond to my comments... I will also apologize for those reading that my comments about my spouse orgasming 95% of the time comes up so often and in the responses. Unfortunately it is an important fact and something I don't understand as that is the male's goal. And to take it one step further I don't think the emotional is my wife's goal as is asked in some of the responses. I appreciate the insightful comments and posts, and have laughed at some of the pop-psychologist comments I see. Sad to say the male can do everything perfect and it means absolutely nothing.... Let's re-cap: 1. Are attentive and loving 2. Spouses enjoy sex when they do have it and reach orgasm 3. Usually lasts less then the time spent to watch a sitcom, read a chapter or watch an hour long drama. 4. You do the majority of the work 5. Both of you have maintained a level of attractiveness over the years 6. You have a happy marriage in all aspects except the bedroom 7. Sorry once a week is not exactly "sex addict" material 8. You are the one who is under pressure to perform, because as a man, pretty easy for us (sometimes too easy) 9. You do back off, try not to be too mopey, but expect certain days to be honoured ie. B-Day, Anniversary, Vacations, New Years Eve, X-mas party... 10. You understand that the same spark may not be there after 20+ years, are happy she/he is not looking elsewhere, but then tell them to fantasize that it is new. 11. Don't expect new things in bed, open to ideas, but the spouse refuses to share what they are thinking. 12. Sorry to sound sexist, but should you buy an expensive gift, special momento, that you celebrate. If she buys you an expensive gift, do the same. 13. Spouse upset when you try and talk about it and gives the I'm feeling pressured, when she/he has the keys. 14. Especially bothered when things work exceedingly well (in your mind) and you ask why and suggest that since we are on a roll we should continue. 15. I too do cook, clean, pick up kids, am responsible for much of the bills, have more stress (sorry to say). Means nothing if I do not meet standards. I love reading this thread and knowing I am not alone, however BOTO, don't accept this behaviour, because it does not get better. BTW I am in a happy marriage, just need to vent. My first post and I have more to say..... Hope this sparks further discussion. For those women, who expect romance, and ask questions as to what romance or changes they have done or what they have done to spice up the bedroom, I responded below..... The my wife's a man... She'd laugh it off. None of those suggestions work except in a Harlequin Romance..... Can do a million things, and if they don't want it, even when it works 95% of the time (orgasm), nothing will change it..... I do not mean to be nasty, as there are certainly troubled marriages and males who are neanderthals and can't do or understand anything about females, not do they want to. I will bet that 95% of the males who have this problem (on this site) with their spouses do the majority of the work and expect only a willing partner when they do begin. When they do have sex, they probably are more concerned with their partners pleasure as that is the ultimate payoff that the act is mutually satisfying. The reason we are so lost about this is that when we do have sex and the woman reaches orgasm and then again shuts down for 2-3-4+ weeks, we are completely lost as to the reason why. My wife orgasms 95%+ of the time (she would not fake it as it is not worth the trouble). When she doesn't it is my fault solely and I know it. I have responded on the other thread and here are two more responses that I trying to merge.... Sorry if they are not merged properly... I will bet that 95% of the males who have this problem with their spouses do the majority of the work and expect only a willing partner when they do begin. When they do have sex, they probably are more concerned with their partners pleasure as that is the ultimate payoff that the act is mutually satisfying. If this were the case, no man would EVER pressure a woman to have sex with him. Why would you pressure someone to have sex with you...So that you could make sure she enjoyed it when she didn't want it in the first place !!?? Quote: The reason we are so lost about this is that when we do have sex and the woman reaches orgasm and then again shuts down for 2-3-4+ weeks, we are completely lost as to the reason why. I agree with the other women posters. UNLIKE men, a woman's "goal" in having sex is NOT ALWAYS TO reach orgasm. That is NOT what gives her the most satisfaction during sex. It's the emotional intimacy is creates. If you lack the emotional initimacy outside the bedroom, the emotional intimacy inside the bedroom may also be lacking. If the emotional intimacy is lack-luster, a woman's motivation to participate in sex with you dwindles and she shuts down. Quote: My wife orgasms 95%+ of the time (she would not fake it as it is not worth the trouble). When she doesn't it is my fault solely and I know it. Again, just because she orgasms doesn't mean it was the most satisfying sexual experience for her. You are gauging the quality of sex by the quantity of a woman's orgasm. Women don't guage best sex by number of orgasms. They guage it by the level of intimacy with their partner. If you think your wife never fakes it, you are naive. She doesn't admit it to you because she doesn't want to bruise your ego...not because it's not worth the trouble. Men like you worry too much or get too fixated on trying to get a woman to orgasm every time you have sex. It's your goal so you think it HAS to be her goal. Of course women love to orgasm, but it isn't the end of the world if we don't. We get so much more out of sex than orgasm. We wish men did, too. When I think of previous sexual experiences I have had, it's not the moment of orgasm or the number of orgasms that I remember most. It's the desire I had for that man prior to the sexual encounter...the moments that led up to it...the way he looked at me...touched me..the things he said...the way he held me afterwards......NOT the orgasm itself. BTW, it's not your fault if your wife doesn't always orgasm. Her body isn't built as hair-triggered as yours. But it is your fault if she doesn't feel intimacy with you. And this..... Originally Posted by taylor If this were the case, no man would EVER pressure a woman to have sex with him. Why would you pressure someone to have sex with you...So that you could make sure she enjoyed it when she didn't want it in the first place !!?? I agree with the other women posters. UNLIKE men, a woman's "goal" in having sex is NOT ALWAYS TO reach orgasm. That is NOT what gives her the most satisfaction during sex. It's the emotional intimacy is creates. If you lack the emotional initimacy outside the bedroom, the emotional intimacy inside the bedroom may also be lacking. If the emotional intimacy is lack-luster, a woman's motivation to participate in sex with you dwindles and she shuts down. Again, just because she orgasms doesn't mean it was the most satisfying sexual experience for her. You are gauging the quality of sex by the quantity of a woman's orgasm. Women don't guage best sex by number of orgasms. They guage it by the level of intimacy with their partner. If you think your wife never fakes it, you are naive. She doesn't admit it to you because she doesn't want to bruise your ego...not because it's not worth the trouble. Men like you worry too much or get too fixated on trying to get a woman to orgasm every time you have sex. It's your goal so you think it HAS to be her goal. Of course women love to orgasm, but it isn't the end of the world if we don't. We get so much more out of sex than orgasm. We wish men did, too. When I think of previous sexual experiences I have had, it's not the moment of orgasm or the number of orgasms that I remember most. It's the desire I had for that man prior to the sexual encounter...the moments that led up to it...the way he looked at me...touched me..the things he said...the way he held me afterwards......NOT the orgasm itself. BTW, it's not your fault if your wife doesn't always orgasm. Her body isn't built as hair-triggered as yours. But it is your fault if she doesn't feel intimacy with you. This is why man and women are so different.... You are wrong. I did admit there are varying degrees of orgasms for men and women. I know it. My spouse never worries about the intensity of my orgasm or was it good.... Frankly I don't want her too. But I am worried about hers. No she does not fake it and she sees no reason why she should. I however know if I have done a bad job or if her orgasm was bad. This is what happens after 20+ years. We have intimacy, I do all the little things (or try). No I am not perfect but I do try and do the 168 Hours of foreplay in order to have sex once a week (if lucky). I am way happier then most people as is my spouse. However she is wired different, more stressed then I am about certain things and thus affected by outside influences then we (and most males are). Frankly I don't need to point my finger on what she does that pisses me off, because they are minor and really don't mean much in the big picture. To her though I imagine my minor foibles affect her much more then me. Marriage is all about compromises, affairs are not. Go on about meeting another man and she says she's not interested. I can, and we actually do laugh that it is a good thing that she is not sexually aroused, because if she was, she'd have plenty of offers (as she has had). For affairs there is no outside stresses and issues, just the excitement and the newness. My wife says we have a very good marriage, except for the sex (lack there of on my part vs. quality). Again I ask why if she does have orgasms, some very good, and she is upset I keep track of the very good vs. the just okay and the bad ones as a defect and my obsession and problem? She jokes we have had a good 23 year run. I tell her I want it to continue, put any disappointments behind me and joke that we can pretend it is new every time and look forward to the future. I also say if I got as much sex as I think I want, the pursuit and payoff I am sure would not be as good. I expect nothing from my spouse except that she enjoys it (and that is my job). If she did not, I may as well masturbate. We sleep in the same bed and do sleep together so I can get that physical part all the time. I don't understand her moods though am aware of them. I listen, but I don't hear according to her and my views may be a male view and while thoughtful and considerate not what she wants to hear. Doesn't mean I am not listening, just a different view. I think she (and most women) wished us men were like them and understood their bodies, their hormonal changes, their ups and downs and feelings. The other evening my spouse asked me to pick up Midol as she was out. I know what Midol is, but don't fully understand the affects of it. She told me this @ 9 pm, the next morning 10 am she exploded that I had not picked it up yet...... I thought ASA would do until I went out. We don't understand everything about a woman's body and how they react. I give my spouse the benefit of the doubt and while her reaction was overblown and I laughed it off (she was pissed), I considered it normal. Thanks for letting me vent.... That is why I don't explode, as I get things out and feel better about it.
OregonTraveller Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Gonna have to read this post again. Maybe graba beer 1st. Maybe 2. We dont mention the S-E-X word....shhhh. THe word 'intamcy'....'together time' those are ok. Sometimes its been different (had S-E-X in an adult book store once)...Our days are generally kid oriented. Transport to school...work....then help on homework (me)..maybe sometimes cook (moi....about half the time). Then bedtime and talk about kid stuff time ...yawn.....zzzzz. The last time I brought up S-E-X....well....think of the Snoopy and the Red baron.....I got shot down. We do 'it'...sometimes.....see....guys need 'it'....women don't...(according to DW)... Maybe 3...beers that is... Vent done.....
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