LostInCT Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Hello Everyone, I'm not quite sure how to begin this other than to relay the past and ultimately ask the question: How do I get the love of my life back? I was married in 2005 after 3 years of dating. My marriage lasted about 1.5 years where my wife left suddenly due to an unhappy marriage and family pressure to leave. I was in the military (unpopular with her, not that she told me). We lost custody of her daughter to the ex-husband/birth father about 3 months before she moved out and filed for divorce. The separation was nasty, but mostly she would not talk with me for approximately the first year of the divorce proceedings (we tried to get back together a few months after the divorce, but it was stressed and unsuccessful after a month and a half). We did not have any children together, and the hangup in the divorce was over a few knicknacks. I was holding out to the last possible moment with the hope that we could reconcile and move forward with our marriage/relationship. We finally started communicating about 3 months prior to the divorce being finalized. This initially was done to minimize cost of the divorce, but later we started to drift back into the relationship realm. She initially crossed the line with a kiss, and things proceeded from there. We both were seeing other people, and she decided to continue dating her lover after we were together for approximately three months. I was crestfallen, heartbroken, devestated. I felt that she used me to get her divorce; I resented the whole situation, but I still loved her above all else. We didn't talk for 4 months. I started to dream about her, and contacted her again. This time we were together for 3 months of awsome bliss! It was just like the relationship that we had before we were married! It was awsome! We didn't fight, argue, etc. Every moment we spent together was utilized to its fullest; we even made love regularly. One of the things I stressed was that we would start anew (a clean slate): no references to the past, etc. other than to learn from and not repeat the mistakes of the past. I was reading all kinds of relationship books, and really trying to fix our mistakes (primaily by looking at my faults, and listening to what she had said in the past 2 years had bothered her), and build a really solid relationship (I think this put too much stress on her...and you will see why...read on). She was just getting out her relationship, and I was at the end of my relationship with my lover (if you could call it a functional relationship at all). I asked her casually one day about a "start date" for our recent dating; she said, "let's use the orginal date we started (7 years ago at the time); helluva way to clean the slate, but it implied much more than just a new fling. My relationship with my ex-wife lasted for three month this time, before I went on a long term business trip (a month) and she hooked up with someone else. Then I got the "I need my space" and the "there's too much pressure" lines, and the relationship was ended. Needless to say the same devestation was present again. Yet, somehow, I managed to salvage our relationship after about 3 months apart (coincidentally her "new" relationship was on the rocks), and we got together again. This did not last more than about 3 weeks. For the first time, she was the one to contact me. Again, I moved foward with my heart out front. One day, we went to dinner and she said, "I love you, and I am in love with you." So I mentioned that we should go to a counsellor to work this out. We agreed to meet on a Wednesday (two days later) and go to my counsellor I had been seeing since the pre-divorce separation (almost 2 years at that point). She met with my counsellor for 45 minutes without me present. When the door opened and I was let in the room, the counsellor reiterated what my ex-wife had said: "she did not have any romantic interests in me, and if I could not be her friend, she did not want to talk with me." Wow, what a sucker punch! I was hurt, fuming, etc. I calmly got my stuff together, and walked out of the office. I went to my car, she showed up, and I drove her home. The driving was a little aggressive, and she wouldn't say a word to me the entire drive. I asked her twice about it, but she just stared out the window. I brought her to her car, and that was the last time I saw or heard from her. She contacted a mutual friend about a week later and said that I had pressured her, and that was her way of self protection. I have not heard form her for a month and a half. She does not respond to any texts or voicemails (I have left about 3 texts and 2 voicemails in the past 6 weeks). I have read the book, "Get your lover back" but haven't learned how to open the channel of communication back up. If I leave her alone, she won't contact me (historically, I am the one to contact her). What should I do? Many of my friends and family think she uses me to get something: whether it is love, reassurance, etc. I also know there is a family history of mental illness on the women's side; not that she sees or want to deal with that aspect. I know the woman I fell in love with, and I want her back. I saw how wonderful it was only just 6 months ago! My heart aches to have the love I experienced last year (and years before that). I am not dating anyone; I could not date someone else when my heart was bequeathed to my ex-wife. I am lonely, sad, hurt, and long just to look in my ex-wife's eyes, hold her hand, touch her shoulder...love her and be loved by her. I really don't want to lose here again. I also wish to break the 3 months on, 4-6 months off, and the only come when needed cycles. Any advice on this would be immensely appreciated!
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