SophieA Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 I thought it would be super helpful to me (and probably many others) if I got a thread going on "how to get things in order" before beginning an LDR. The obsessive planner in me is coming out of hiding . Below you will see what I know so far, but if any "LDR veterans" (or really, anyone who has an idea on how to make a LDR function) have more tips- please please let me know. Thanks in advance for any and all responses . 1. Set a date when LDR will end. (this is rather hard in my situation as the bf is going to med school and is totally unsure where he will get clinicals/residency...but tentatively it is Dec 2010) 2. Set up a schedule for communication. (we'll be talking before bed each night if possible...every other night if not possible...we don't really know what med school is going to be like yet.... other than BUSY ) 3. Plan visits. (first visit will be me going to Grand Cayman in Aug 09, then he will come back to IL in Dec 09) I've never done this LDR thing before and if there are more tips anyone can offer that would be awesome. I'm trying to think of the potential issues we'll face and I want to get us on the same page before he leaves at the end of April. Suggestions?
Nicodaemos Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Communicate. Say every last litle thing that is on your mind, let nothing fester. the lack of it seems to have been a major contributing factor of my current situation. I found out from a third party that the whole time, she was worried about other women, thought i really didnt care about her, and that being apart from her didnt bother her. Yea, i would ask her all these things, and tell her every time how i felt, that there were no otheres, only her, and that i missed her as well. Both that cut and dry, and in more subtle terms. Dont lock up, talk, talk talk. every last little nuance in your mind, say it. and make sure your other does the same as well. This demands three things. Honesty, and making yourself vulnerable, and trust. If a realationship can survive the time apart, it will most likely last a long time once its no longer LD, because there is no barrier between the two involved, no shyness, no worries of, is it the wrong thing to say, cause the wrong things have been said, and the people already know how to deal with it and take it. That is just my opinion though. My LDR is in a bad spot right now, see thread for details, and that is what i have gathered about the ones that work, and what mine lacked. Every person is different, and while general guidlines may help most people, they also need to understand that what works for someone else, may not work for them. but try what does first, there is a reason why it works. OO, for Dell users, Dell sightspeed is great too, video chat, free, and is usually already installed on em.
KikiW Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Echo Nic's sentiments - communication is SO important. And the more avenues you can use to communicate, the better (like email, Skype, texting, snailmail). And if something is bothering either of you, it should be discussed immediately rather than letting anyting build up. And yes, having trips to see each other scheduled out (even tentatively) is a GREAT idea... gives you both something to look forward to and work toward. Send each other token gifts, they don't need to be expensive either. Did you just buy a movie you liked? Send it to him so he can watch it too. Did you happen to discover a new favorite candy? Send him a few pieces. There's nothing like getting something in the mail from my sweetie - to see his handwriting and know he put the time in to send it makes my heart flutter.
Island Girl Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Yes - communicate. Everyone keeps saying it here but it really can't be said enough. Especially your insecurities and fears. Those feelings need to be shared and understood. The sooner the better. My husband and I had lots of discussion before he left about how it would feel to hear a person of the opposite sex in the background and not really know what was going on. How that would lead each of us to feel. We discussed all of it and came to the realization together that we had to make the extra effort to hold each other as a priority and be open books. Completely honest. So no matter what the question - we ask. And every question gets an immediate straight answer. No answering a question with a question (Why?, Why are you asking?, What do you mean?). If either one of us is feeling those understandable insecurities then we help each other. We talk it out. We discuss why that person is feeling that way. And we resolve it. We both have learned a valuable lesson and that is with each other we have to, as my husband says, "follow you words". If we say we are going to call - we do. Unless there is a damn good reason. If we are supposed to be talking on the computer at a certain time - the only thing that comes before that is work. We have lasted through the hell of LD for seven years now. And our journey may now finally be coming to an end. But what I hope that shows is that when BOTH people hold on to each other and keep that relationship a priority and do not lose track of the big picture then all things are possible.
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