sooooconfused Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 My BF and I broke up and then got back together. I am having doubts because our beliefs are so different (and a few other things). He doesn't believe in "the one". He just thinks that when you find someone you get along well with and you're happy and ready to settle down that you get married. Like it is a very logical decision. I find this depressing and believe in "the one" and thought he was it until when we were broken up for a month he dated a girl and she fell in love with him and he had intense feelings for her. He came back to me because after doing a list of pros and cons and that he loves me he decided to take me back. He does love me, but he said that he did feel that it would have been easy to date her long-term and eventually he may have fallen in love too. He doesn't know because he wasn't with her long enough. He picked me because we have been together like 2 years and he already loves me. This depresses the crap outta me. Like I may marry a guy who I am more a logical decision than a romantic one. What is the difference between her and I other than I already put in the time? Does this difference in beliefs make it impossible to work? How do you feel about marriage? Do you believe in "the one"?
Touche Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 That difference in how you view these things in itself shouldn't mean you're not incompatible but it might. First of all, you hint at other differences..what are they? Secondly, the reason I say that maybe it can be a problem is that maybe you just have romantic notions and are generally a more romantic person than he is. Maybe he's more logical..that can cause a problem in other areas. I'd need to know more about the dynamic between you two. What bothered me here is that he sure doesn't make you feel valued. He "picked you" because he already had the time invested? Why did he leave you in the first place? My sense is that you're not compatible but I don't really know based on just what you've said here. I do tend to believe as he does though, for whatever it's worth. There really isn't a "ONE." Conceivably there are many people we could love and be compatible with. I found my "ONE" because it was the right timing for both of us, we were both in the same stage in life, we were very attracted to each other and we got along great and had the same values, etc. I know without a doubt that had I met him at a different stage in life, say 10 years earlier, that we wouldn't have made it. No way. So I really do agree with your b/f. I know it's not romantic to think that way, but it's the reality. All that said, I'm not sure I like the idea of him leaving to try something else out with someone else and then coming back to you. That's a big red flag for me. Maybe you can tell us a little more about why he left in the first place. 1
pandagirl Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Hmm. This doesn't sound quite right. OK, yes -- your boyfriend is right in thinking that compatibility is very important in a marriage, but the thing I don't get is WHY did he tell you he made a list of pros and cons?!? Ultimately, love is a choice, so that fact the fact that he chose you, is a good sign. But it also sounds like he is being awfully unromantic about the whole thing! I would feel the same way you do. The thing that is most important, is that you are happy. You can't really change how he thinks, so you'll either have to accept it or find someone else.
Author sooooconfused Posted March 2, 2009 Author Posted March 2, 2009 That difference in how you view these things in itself shouldn't mean you're not incompatible but it might. First of all, you hint at other differences..what are they? Secondly, the reason I say that maybe it can be a problem is that maybe you just have romantic notions and are generally a more romantic person than he is. Maybe he's more logical..that can cause a problem in other areas. I'd need to know more about the dynamic between you two. What bothered me here is that he sure doesn't make you feel valued. He "picked you" because he already had the time invested? Why did he leave you in the first place? My sense is that you're not compatible but I don't really know based on just what you've said here. I do tend to believe as he does though, for whatever it's worth. There really isn't a "ONE." Conceivably there are many people we could love and be compatible with. I found my "ONE" because it was the right timing for both of us, we were both in the same stage in life, we were very attracted to each other and we got along great and had the same values, etc. I know without a doubt that had I met him at a different stage in life, say 10 years earlier, that we wouldn't have made it. No way. So I really do agree with your b/f. I know it's not romantic to think that way, but it's the reality. All that said, I'm not sure I like the idea of him leaving to try something else out with someone else and then coming back to you. That's a big red flag for me. Maybe you can tell us a little more about why he left in the first place. I left him because I had issues of trust over him talking to ex's behind my back in the beginning of our relationship and I felt like we fought too much because I like talking about emotions and he hates it.
Touche Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 I left him because I had issues of trust over him talking to ex's behind my back in the beginning of our relationship and I felt like we fought too much because I like talking about emotions and he hates it. Well there's your answer. Kind of what I suspected. I don't think you're compatible in the long run.
Author sooooconfused Posted March 2, 2009 Author Posted March 2, 2009 Well there's your answer. Kind of what I suspected. I don't think you're compatible in the long run. it's hard because we do love each other. What does everyone else think...not necessarily my situation, but just about the topic in general? I'm just curious.
pandagirl Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 I think it's important that two people in a relationship have the same idea of what "love" means to them. If one person is looking for a best friend and the other a passionate lover -- it's not going to work out, because the expectations are different. For instance, I dated a guy. It was great. We were super compatible, attracted to each other, laughed a lot each. Neither one of us were exactly head-over-heels for each other though. Personally, that was ok, because for me, I'd rather have love and attraction grow over time. For him, he needed to big passionate, all-consuming love right off the bat. So it didn't work out. Even though you love each other, you and your boyfriend may be looking for two different things in a relationship. It's up to you whether you are ok with that. 1
Trialbyfire Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 While I don't believe in "the one", you can still have the chemical reaction AND logical progression, with the right person. I don't know if your guy is the right person for you. Some of the things he's saying, I'm guessing are coming from self-protection and ego/pride from the previous breakup. In using illogical logic, he's saying you're replaceable. Not acceptable by a long shot.
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 I left him because I had issues of trust over him talking to ex's behind my back in the beginning of our relationship and I felt like we fought too much because I like talking about emotions and he hates it. He probably is not the right guy for you. Overall, he is correct in how life works, but I understand how you feel on the topic. If you believe in "the one" person you are meant to be with... that seems very iron clad and secure. Like its powerful and nothing can take it away. I understand the desire for that feeling. However, I am older now, and I realize that the world just doesn't work like that. It's more of a best fit scenario. No matter how great your guy looks to you right now, there will be someone better down the road. So, take this to heart because it is important for later in life! Once you find someone who you wish to spend your life with, you then have to wake up every single day and CHOOSE to love that person. Even if someone better has come along, or he is no longer as wonderful as he used to be. And... Hollywood doesn't know anything about real love. So, stop believing all the crap they try to put in your head!
LovieDove24 Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 This depresses the crap outta me. Like I may marry a guy who I am more a logical decision than a romantic one. What is the difference between her and I other than I already put in the time? There is no difference. How do you feel about marriage? Do you believe in "the one"? I most definitely believe in "The One." But it gets a little tricky. Because along life's journey we may meet several men who fit the bill, so to speak. They can be great guys, treat us well and be amazing marriage partners. I think it is unfair to look over these men just because you don't feel that "soul connection" that is equated with being "the one." In other words, I don't think you should pass up dating great guys just because you're holding out for that ONE special person. But I do believe that he or she exists for everyone. It is quite possible there are even 5 or 10 "the ones" out there and it is all a matter of timing and proxemity.
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 I most definitely believe in "The One." But it gets a little tricky. Because along life's journey we may meet several men who fit the bill, so to speak. They can be great guys, treat us well and be amazing marriage partners. I think it is unfair to look over these men just because you don't feel that "soul connection" that is equated with being "the one." In other words, I don't think you should pass up dating great guys just because you're holding out for that ONE special person. But I do believe that he or she exists for everyone. It is quite possible there are even 5 or 10 "the ones" out there and it is all a matter of timing and proxemity. So... you believe in "The Five to Ten"? Maybe your problem is that you just don't know what you need from a man. Soul Connection? What is that supposed to represent?
sunshinegirl Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 OP, your boyfriend sounds a lot like my ex who was Mr. Logical. At some level I appreciated his cold, hard assessment of things and people -- because part of me is wired that way too -- but it was always an issue for me that he never seemed very emotionally invested in me/us. He didn't verbalize his love, he was unable to empathize with others, and he bottled up most of his emotions. He talked in similarly calculated, logical ways about his ex-wife and daughter - kind of hard to explain, but definitely in the same vein as your BF's comments. I would consider it a red flag if your communication is significantly hampered by his unwillingness/inability to discuss feelings and/or your unwillingness/inability to discuss things logically. (I think both ought to make an effort to speak the other's 'language'...) 1
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