Dexter Morgan Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Do you want her marriage to fail? I mean dayum i know she shot it in the heart when she cheated but she confessed and has gone NC with the OM sounds to me like she wants to reconsile. Why tell her to be with the OM, trust me the OM is not gonna be faithful to her and treat her the same way. Because again, she had this to say with regards to the other man: He still loves me and I love him. If I leave for him, there will be people in my life who won't be there any longer. He was in prison and has a past and people judge him. I know who he is and I love him. He is a good person and learned from his mistakes In other words, she still wants the other man....she will pine for him and going back to her husband is just for show so that she doesn't lose support of certain people by leaving her husband. She, in my opinion, doesn't want her husband as much as she wants to avoid the fallout. That and she is in love with the other man...as evidenced above.
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Hmm i agree with you, but she could have left when she had the chance. but she didnt right? I'm saying DM right now she;s making a choice to be with her husband. It's up to her if she's gonna be with the OM or her husband. Remember she said when she first started she loved the OM. but she's making a choice to love her husband. it's up to her to figure out where she wants to be. But remember the husband might not want to be with her anyways, so the reconsiliation might not work out as planned. So what does she have to loose if she attempts to reconsile. I think SOME marriages can work out after infidelity but it has to start from the ground up, no more cheating, lying, doing anything crazy and being an open book with your spouse working through the pain. It's gonna take time for her to turn back to the husband but remember he wants to reconsile now but who's to sa he might want to leave. it's a two way street right now ever since th affair been exposed. Who know's what might happen?
desertmoon Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Hmm what if the man came to the marriage with 80% of the financial assets is that still marital income or property or is that soley his. Trust he probably could give her half of everything, and walk out with his 401k and pay her no alimony. Something people have been doing for a while would be Getting A damn job!!! lol. I feel she shouldnt leave with anything, since she's leaving, it should be forefeit but we'll see if it goes the litigation route. <shrug> What if the court calculates how much a live-in housekeeper and a baby-sitter cost?..as you know, matters of heart and matters of finance are two different things according to the court. The OM wont probably last long all things considered he should have married her a long time ago when he had the chance and yet. they didnt do it then but now, all these years later? hmmm. He's not gonna stay I'd bet anything on it, no matter how much she loves this OM he is intrisinically flawed and with his track record it's a winner. You are so amazing Chrome! I mean, all these conclusions based on such scanty data....intrinsically flawed? you do not happen to be the second coming of christ are you? Me a cheater??? LMAO really. ahm..that was a joke...did you not get it? I think I said I was kidding... Recreational I wonder if Herpes is a recreational too you can share with your family too. yeah right. Well, i don't know about your family, but good hand washing techniques help..plus...sharing of bodily fluids should probably only be done with the use of "PPEs". You reall think the OM is sincere in what he's saying? I am not inside the OM head, neither are you....we must only work with what is presented on the board...we can speculate, make characterizations, make judgments-they do not mean anything. The bottomline is...she said the OM loves her and she loves the OM...that's it....anything less or more...does not exist...becuase it is not in the given.
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Saying he loved her and doing it is two different things. And washing the right way does not clean up an STD like herpes!!! lol. I'm not making it the stats you really think this OM is gonna be her new full time boyfriend?? WTF? with his track record not likely. but like she said she's giving her marriage a chance. which is good. And I know you was joking... it was so funny. heh.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Hmm i agree with you, but she could have left when she had the chance. but she didnt right? I'm saying DM right now she;s making a choice to be with her husband. It's up to her if she's gonna be with the OM or her husband. Remember she said when she first started she loved the OM. but she's making a choice to love her husband. I don't see where she said that at all. She is making a choice to BE with her husband...not to love him. She is only with her husband because people will abandon her if she hooks up with jailbird. But remember the husband might not want to be with her anyways, so the reconsiliation might not work out as planned. So what does she have to loose if she attempts to reconsile. I don't care what SHE has to lose....her husband will be the big loser here. Living with someone he thinks loves him when she wants another man. She can put on a facade if she wants, but it will affect the marriage.
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 I have been away but just read all the posts. I haven't had any contact with the OM for awhile...he told me that he loves me etc. I have decided to stay and give MC a run. My husband knows everything and still loves me. I take full responsibility for what I have done. I mentioned the emotional abuse in my post because i wanted people to know that this was a factor in how I built a wall around my heart. Thank you for all of the posts... Then you MUST be willing to put the past aside. That wall has to come down! If you are unwilling to do that this is attempt is doomed.
desertmoon Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Saying he loved her and doing it is two different things. [/quote) who said they were the same? And washing the right way does not clean up an STD like herpes!!! lol.Again, Chrome--stay within the givens. I didnt say good handwashing techniques prevents STDs, did I? I did, however, mention PPE's...in my world, that includes condoms- if one is sexually active. I'm not making it the stats you really think this OM is gonna be her new full time boyfriend?? WTF? with his track record not likely. but like she said she's giving her marriage a chance. which is good.I don't really care if the OM is going to be her full time BF or not. All I know is that the OP said she loves him and the OM loves her...so why not let the husband go? Give the poor guy a chance to find his...ahem.."true love and soulmate", no? But if she wants to give her marriage a chance and thus giving her husband a chance (like he was the one who cheated and have to be sorry)..then I am sure she will get a lot of support here... And I know you was joking... it was so funny. heh.
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Hey DM listen she knows deep down inside it wont work with the OM right. she knows this. The OM knows this. And you say she loved him and he loved her. please he just loved what she did for him. That's it. That's all. He spit game and she like a weak female fell for it. Simple.
desertmoon Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Hey DM listen she knows deep down inside it wont work with the OM right. she knows this.The OM knows this. Perhaps. I can't read their minds but I am glad you can. And you say she loved him and he loved her. I did not say this...the OP said this..ahm..., hello? please he just loved what she did for him. That's it. That's all. Who knows? you are probably right. He spit game and she like a weak female fell for it. Simple. Yup.simple. oh god, why?
Dexter Morgan Posted March 6, 2009 Posted March 6, 2009 Hey DM listen she knows deep down inside it wont work with the OM right. she knows this. The OM knows this. And you say she loved him and he loved her. No, SHE said that. please he just loved what she did for him. That's it. That's all. So what? It doesn't change the fact that the only reason she isn't with him is because people will abandon her. If I was her husband, that wouldn't make me feel too good. I wouldn't want someone to stay with me because they'll lose friends.
Author kittygirl Posted March 16, 2009 Author Posted March 16, 2009 Thanks for asking soulmate. I was going to post a new thread because I am not feeling any better. I had no contact with om for two weeks and last wednesday he drove 1000 miles in 15 hours to see me. He told me that he loves me and his life isn't worth living without me. He literally got on his knees and begged me to give him some shred of hope that we will be together someday. My heart is so torn. I still love him. I told my H about it and he of course is very hurt. I am still home but my heart and thoughts go back to OM. I really am still as confused as ever before. There was an incident that I didn't write about in my posts...when everything blew up this time, the OM called my husband and left the most disturbing messages about intimate details between the two of us. He was drunk and very degrading to me in those messages. I ask myself, "Why would I want to be with someone who can flip like that"...then rationalize that he was very hurt and drunk. I don't even know anymore. Right now, I am focusing on my kids (getting my son ready for college and daughter through high school) and pulling out of this depression. I am trying to rebuild with H but I just don't feel it. How sad. I know that I am going to catch hell from all the BS who post on this site. All I can say is that I used to judge people who did what I have done and never understood it. Until you have actually walked in anothers shoes, you should not judge. I have been cheated on several times and know what it feels like on both ends. I'm not proud of what I have done but it has been done and I can't change it. I would NEVER recommend anyone to ever step outside of their M. Divorce first! I did take the coward's way out and am paying for it dearly along with others.
boldjack Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 First think of your children's welfare and your husband's above your own selfish desires. Divorce is the only option, but you must be an "open book" about it, any lying now, after your history, will probably mean the loss of your children's love and any respect(probably not much) they may still have towards you. You should not move in with the om until your children have had time to adjust. You have already done the foulest thing you could to your husband, so try to do the best thing left, divorce him and make no demands on him. Be honest with him, he deserves that ,at least, after all that you have put him thru. t
65tr6 Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 He was drunk and very degrading to me in those messages. I ask myself, "Why would I want to be with someone who can flip like that"...then rationalize that he was very hurt and drunk. I don't even know anymore.. And yet you think you are torn between your husband and the OM. I dont know, OM sounds like a nut-case to me. I would NEVER recommend anyone to ever step outside of their M. Divorce first! .. easier said than done. Not practical though. Unfortunately. I did take the coward's way out and am paying for it dearly along with others. I agree but past is past. What can you do now that is not seen as a cowardly act anymore ?
Owl Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 My wife couldn't see anyway that her feelings for me could come back either...she was completely convinced that OM was her "soulmate" just like the vast majority of WS's out there. But once she got NC truly established...and held to it...she slowly began to change. Kittygirl...there is only one way to find out if your feelings can return. The only way to find that out is to cut OM out of your life, completely, totally, and irrevocably. Once he's gone...and once you've put effort into your marriage...then, and only then, will you find out if it's possible. You have to take that risk...it's the only way to know for sure. If you can't do that...then you're only option is to take the OTHER risk...file for divorce, and let your husband go completely and totally. Lousy options, huh? But they're the only ones you've got. At the end of the day...who are you going to take the chance on? Someone you've got history and family with? Or someone who gets drunk and calls your H to make him feel horrible with those details? Its up to you.
lostsunsets Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 Hopefully your husband wises up and drives you to the OMs house and dumps your cheating butt. You need to be with the man who degrades you. Your husband gets over his issues becomes a good husband and you debase yourself with another man. If you're looking for advice. Let your husband find someone who will love him. That's my advice.
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Why the hell are you still talking to the OM in the first F-ing Place!!!!!! Number one your still in contact with this man!!! number two why is he even showing up to where you are in the first place!!! number 3 I will judge you because your actions have consequences! and you reap what you sow. The OM told your husband all the details because that's what you deserve this is what you wanted, your heart is still with this scumbag of a man who is destroying your family? Are you gonna be strong enough and take a stand and do the right thing! or are you gonna be a coward and allow this to continue!? WTF make up your mind already!!!!!!!!!!
seibert253 Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Kitty you only have two options, this isn't rocket science. 1. No contact WHATSOEVER with OM, and work on rebuilding what you attempted to destroy. (It can be done. You're still in the fog phase of an affair and the only way to get through the fog is NO CONTACT, Period). 2. Divorce your husband so he can find someone will give him unconditional love.
lostsoulmate Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Kittygirl, Keep posting. The more you use the site the quicker I can Private message you. I have been wanting to chat, just you and me since you posted your thread.
Author kittygirl Posted March 18, 2009 Author Posted March 18, 2009 Why the hell are you still talking to the OM in the first F-ing Place!!!!!! Number one your still in contact with this man!!! number two why is he even showing up to where you are in the first place!!! number 3 I will judge you because your actions have consequences! and you reap what you sow. The OM told your husband all the details because that's what you deserve this is what you wanted, your heart is still with this scumbag of a man who is destroying your family? Are you gonna be strong enough and take a stand and do the right thing! or are you gonna be a coward and allow this to continue!? WTF make up your mind already!!!!!!!!!! Well, You guys sure have kicked my ass...I have deserved it though! Anyway, after reading my posts and everyone's responses, it has really smacked me in the face...WTF have I done?!?! I really have some issues...to even consider going with a person who was in prison, verbally assaulted my husband, uses alcohol to deal with feelings, etc. I really do need to get a grip! I do have a wonderful husband...he is faithful, kind, loves me very much, and a good person. Yes, the first half of marriage or more, he was verbally abusive but I think I more than evened that score. He also cheated on me in the beginning of our M. I held onto that and built this wall around my heart and cheated. I thought that this OM would provide me happiness but now I realize it is MY responsibility to be happy. I would never be happy with the OM...I would think of the hurt that I caused daily. The thing that struck me was that if this was supposed to be a good thing, the love we "Felt" for one another would have not caused any hurt or sadness. I made it very clear to OM that I do not want any contact. I have changed my number, email, etc. I am going to give this my all and if I can't feel it, I will go. I discussed this with my husband. I feel like I don't deserve him. That is not manipulation tactic, I really don't feel like I deserve him after the hurt I put him through. I feel like I should be punished. Thanks for listening. I appreciate everyone's feeback.
lostsunsets Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 Now your talking. Maybe you and your husband can avoid that drive down to skanksville where the OM lives. Give it your all.
lostsoulmate Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 kittygirl, Don't forget to be true to self. Don't let guilt rule you. Yes, you made mistake (IMO cheating is a mistake). Yes, it hurt your H. Yes, it hurt you. Yes, the LS posters IMO have beaten you down. (I will get beaten too for this post IMO). Oh well. Please go a get a book called "Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. Keep posting if you feel like it, I still want to PM you. I wish you luck, strength, peace, and hope.
Reggie Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 I think her husband should read that book , as well. He has been abused, terribly.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 I still think she needs to set her husband free since the ONLY reason she is staying with him is this: "If I leave for him, there will be people in my life who won't be there any longer." Her fear of losing friends and family shouldn't be her husband's problem.
wicar Posted March 18, 2009 Posted March 18, 2009 I still think she needs to set her husband free since the ONLY reason she is staying with him is this: "If I leave for him, there will be people in my life who won't be there any longer." Her fear of losing friends and family shouldn't be her husband's problem. I agree with u Dexter. I think she will start seeing the other guy again and it is just a matter of time..... She doesn't love her husband....She only stays with her husban only because she thinks living with the other guy will have its consequences. Not because she loves her husband. I think she is the type of woman who falls for bad guys ( criminals, gangsters etc....) Her husband deserves a better wife....poor guy. Suppose if she finds a worse criminal than the OM she might start an affair with him too.
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