Athena Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Your marriage may not be all that you want it to be, but what have you done to help fix it, how much have you actually tried to make it with your Husband. He has allegedly come around, learned from his mistakes, why can't you fall back in love with him. Perhaps she needs a Bad Boy, and that's why she stayed with her H when he was abusive with her, but since he cleaned up his act, she wants Jailbird. (PS Chrome-- I'm gonna reply when I get back)
HappyAtLast Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 To Kittygirl's heartbroken Husband, Firstly, I advise you to EXPOSE their affair to everyone you and your wife know! W has known him all her life, and this indicates he is a family friend, and so all the same people can put pressure on both of them to end the affair. Ask her family to stand by your marriage, and to put pressure on her to give it a heartfelt try to make it work. Would this not really be "shaming" someone into staying with you? Is that really the recipe for reconciliation?
Athena Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 To Kittygirl's heartbroken Husband, Firstly, I advise you to EXPOSE their affair to everyone you and your wife know! W has known him all her life, and this indicates he is a family friend, and so all the same people can put pressure on both of them to end the affair. Ask her family to stand by your marriage, and to put pressure on her to give it a heartfelt try to make it work. Would this not really be "shaming" someone into staying with you? Is that really the recipe for reconciliation? Nope, not shaming, but giving the WS in La-la land a good hard jolt of Reality -- that forces them to re-examine their behaviour! Then, if that's still what they want to do in the cold light of day, sure go ahead and do it... why allow the WS to get away with cheating in secret? That's the ONLY way cheating can occur -- in secret. So you must do the Opposite, you must expose it. End of Affair. THEN the marriage stands a chance of being dealt with, without the third person in the marriage bed.
seibert253 Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 I'm laying odds that when she does leave her loving husband, she'll come crawling back in a couple of months. The affair fog will wear off, then she'll realize the man she "loves", is not who he seems to be in "real life". Ex Con, big red flag right there.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 To Kittygirl's heartbroken Husband, Firstly, I advise you to EXPOSE their affair to everyone you and your wife know! Great idea!! W has known him all her life, and this indicates he is a family friend, and so all the same people can put pressure on both of them to end the affair. Ask her family to stand by your marriage, and to put pressure on her to give it a heartfelt try to make it work. Not so great idea. Why would Kitty's husband want her when she is in love with the criminal? If someone I am with is in love with someone else, I'd tell them to get out and go be with that person. Otherwise family/friend pressure to end the affair just helps the BS to end up living with someone that is in love with someone else. Who really wants that if they ask themselves truthfully?? Would this not really be "shaming" someone into staying with you? Is that really the recipe for reconciliation? I wouldn't want someone that is "shamed" into staying with me. If they are only wanting to stay with me out of fear that they will lose family and friends, I'd pack their bags for them. Kitty losing a "support base" is not her husbands problem.
HappyAtLast Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 I am trying hard to process this "telling everyone you know" thing. Maybe this is a man / woman thing? As a man who has cheated, this feels like a form of a public punishment: taking the child who shop lifted back to the store, showing the dog what he did on the floor? What am I missing?
Reggie Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 I think the outing thing is advocated mainly in situations where the cheating continues. to put pressure on the affair. I'm not sure what purpose is served in telling others if it has stopped. Except, obviously, the partners of the cheaters need to know, so they can direct their lives, get tested for STDs etc. The cheaters' consequences seem way less severe than the BSs. So, outing cranks those up, a bit. But, if you are reconciling, I think both the cheater and his/her partner just need to accept that the BS gets the bulk of the hurt. Not fair, but that is the way it is.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 I am trying hard to process this "telling everyone you know" thing. Maybe this is a man / woman thing? As a man who has cheated, this feels like a form of a public punishment: I think it is just that. some people think a fitting punishment is simply leaving the cheater...some might think it is staying with the cheater and making their life a living hell. and some might think public humiliation is fitting "punishment". As someone who has cheated, what would you think a fitting punishment would be for the wrong you did?
LifesontheUp Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 I am trying hard to process this "telling everyone you know" thing. Maybe this is a man / woman thing? As a man who has cheated, this feels like a form of a public punishment: taking the child who shop lifted back to the store, showing the dog what he did on the floor? What am I missing? Affairs thrive in secrecy....its yours and your affair partners secret. Its thrilling and exiting. By bringing it out in the open it doesn't have the thrill it had when it was just between the two of you and often it can bring it to an end. I find it strange that you think its a form of punishment.
HappyAtLast Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 I think the outing thing is advocated mainly in situations where the cheating continues. to put pressure on the affair. I'm not sure what purpose is served in telling others if it has stopped. Except, obviously, the partners of the cheaters need to know, so they can direct their lives, get tested for STDs etc. The cheaters' consequences seem way less severe than the BSs. So, outing cranks those up, a bit. But, if you are reconciling, I think both the cheater and his/her partner just need to accept that the BS gets the bulk of the hurt. Not fair, but that is the way it is. This is the piece that i was missing, I think. I was thinking that was done whilst in the process of reconciling and that just did not really make sense to me. Many thanks.
HappyAtLast Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 I think it is just that. some people think a fitting punishment is simply leaving the cheater...some might think it is staying with the cheater and making their life a living hell. and some might think public humiliation is fitting "punishment". As someone who has cheated, what would you think a fitting punishment would be for the wrong you did? Interesting, I can see how some may think that way, I guess. I am just not of the mindset that punishing another adult in any type of romantic relationship is a way to continue a relationship, if that is what one wants. As for my cheating, I married my OW. Don't you think that is punishment enough? Seriously, my story is long and boring. However, I do take full responsibility for my cheating. In my case, however, no punishment was necessary.
HappyAtLast Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Affairs thrive in secrecy....its yours and your affair partners secret. Its thrilling and exiting. By bringing it out in the open it doesn't have the thrill it had when it was just between the two of you and often it can bring it to an end. I find it strange that you think its a form of punishment. Life, you must be quite young if you really believe that all affairs are as you describe above.
Dexter Morgan Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Interesting, I can see how some may think that way, I guess. I am just not of the mindset that punishing another adult in any type of romantic relationship is a way to continue a relationship, if that is what one wants. So as a cheater, that obviously left his x-W, or x-gf, whichever is the case, if you were to have stayed with your victim.....what would it have been that you would see fit as proper atonement for what you have done? Seriously, my story is long and boring. However, I do take full responsibility for my cheating. In my case, however, no punishment was necessary. Why, because you didn't think you did anything wrong? Or simply because you left the relationship. I think if someone wants to out a cheater and publicly embarrass them, more power to them. My punishment was to divorce my xW and let her pursue her OM, who since then has blackened her eye.
Athena Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 This is the piece that i was missing, I think. I was thinking that was done whilst in the process of reconciling and that just did not really make sense to me. Many thanks. No, definitely, it is when the cheater continues to cheat you do this... as a means of making the affair out in the open, and NOT so attractive anymore, so that the WS can Really focus on the marriage! Also, as a way to make the WS think twice before next embarking on another affair -- for S's that are serial cheaters this may thwart their happy-go-lucky attitude about having one night stands or long term affairs, time and time again.... if they know it's all been kept hush-hush then they simply continue (either with same affair partner after the furor has died down or with the next available partner) their merry way. If they have to be held accountable for their decisions then that may help put the brakes on their irresponsible behavior, and I am not talking about marriages like your first one where you were biding your time for the kids to grow up!
HappyAtLast Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 So as a cheater, that obviously left his x-W, or x-gf, whichever is the case, if you were to have stayed with your victim.....what would it have been that you would see fit as proper atonement for what you have done? Why, because you didn't think you did anything wrong? Or simply because you left the relationship. I think if someone wants to out a cheater and publicly embarrass them, more power to them. My punishment was to divorce my xW and let her pursue her OM, who since then has blackened her eye. To try to respond to this... I do believe that my cheating was wrong. I take full responsibility for it. (just because I left, did not make the cheating more "right"). I guess I am having a hard time visualizing what I would have seen as proper atonement, as I would never cheat on a woman that I was still in love with, intended to stay married to. So, for me to atone would not happen. I do think if someone wants to out a cheater and publicly embarass them is certainly their prerogative, and is certainly one way of handling things. Not the way, in my opinion, to continue a relationship though. As I've said, I don't find punishing adults a particularly useful tool, specifically if you want to continue a relationship with them.
Reggie Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 In your situation, Happy, with the marriage ending or the relationship ending with the former partner, it does serve some purpose to let folks know. Not for its effect on you. But, so the betrayed can do some damage control re the responsibility for the marriage ending. Many folks assume that if a partner is left, that partner must have been unfit, negligent, abusive or whatever. By telling others what really happened, the betrayed can explain that a large part of the responsibility for the relationships demis lays with the cheater. I've expierirenced this. When my wife left, she let others know about her dissatisfaction with me but neglected to include the parts about her abuse and serial cheating. Our marriage sucked after a while and I withdrew. Her friends believed her stories which were highly edited to omit her serial cheating, verbal and emotional abuse, repeated check bouncing and unbridled spending. So, I gave out that information in self defense.
HappyAtLast Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 No, definitely, it is when the cheater continues to cheat you do this... as a means of making the affair out in the open, and NOT so attractive anymore, so that the WS can Really focus on the marriage! Also, as a way to make the WS think twice before next embarking on another affair -- for S's that are serial cheaters this may thwart their happy-go-lucky attitude about having one night stands or long term affairs, time and time again.... if they know it's all been kept hush-hush then they simply continue (either with same affair partner after the furor has died down or with the next available partner) their merry way. If they have to be held accountable for their decisions then that may help put the brakes on their irresponsible behavior, and I am not talking about marriages like your first one where you were biding your time for the kids to grow up! Thank you for the explanation. It is sad that people don't feel accountable for their own decisions on their own, no? I cannot understand the mind of a serial cheater. Who can handle more than one woman for any length of time
HappyAtLast Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 In your situation, Happy, with the marriage ending or the relationship ending with the former partner, it does serve some purpose to let folks know. Not for its effect on you. But, so the betrayed can do some damage control re the responsibility for the marriage ending. Many folks assume that if a partner is left, that partner must have been unfit, negligent, abusive or whatever. By telling others what really happened, the betrayed can explain that a large part of the responsibility for the relationships demis lays with the cheater. I've expierirenced this. When my wife left, she let others know about her dissatisfaction with me but neglected to include the parts about her abuse and serial cheating. Our marriage sucked after a while and I withdrew. Her friends believed her stories which were highly edited to omit her serial cheating, verbal and emotional abuse, repeated check bouncing and unbridled spending. So, I gave out that information in self defense. I suppose I can understand this, but that assumes that both partners feel the need to "explain" the demise of their R. When I left my first wife, all those years ago, I am sure I was the devil re-incarnated to her and her friends. I just never felt the need to tell my side of the story, I guess.
Athena Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 I cannot understand the mind of a serial cheater. Who can handle more than one woman for any length of time LOL! And my H always says he'd like a harem of woman all exactly like me!!!!! heh heh, he'd be asking for it!:lmao:
jwi71 Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Happyatlast, If you don't mind: How long have you and you W been married? Do you tell people the truth when asked how you met?
HappyAtLast Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 We have been married for over 40 years. Certainly we tell the truth about how we met, but don't necessarily feel the need to add that were were engaged in an affair before we married. Maybe we should? I am certain that our neighbors think that we are just the kindly old couple down the street. Wouldn't they be shocked to know that we had such a sordid past? I haven't been the object of gossip in years
Dexter Morgan Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 To try to respond to this... I do believe that my cheating was wrong. I take full responsibility for it. (just because I left, did not make the cheating more "right"). I guess I am having a hard time visualizing what I would have seen as proper atonement, as I would never cheat on a woman that I was still in love with why cheat at all? Why not just leave? why cheat? Some sort of cruel gesture to your X that you couldn't have left her first? , intended to stay married to. So, for me to atone would not happen. I do think if someone wants to out a cheater and publicly embarass them is certainly their prerogative, and is certainly one way of handling things. Not the way, in my opinion, to continue a relationship though. As I've said, I don't find punishing adults a particularly useful tool So the cheatee gets "punished" for what the cheater did....I suppose the cheatee could just be the better person and let it go. but i won't best anyone for wanting a little payback.
HappyAtLast Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 I think I understand how you feel Dexter, and why you feel the way you do. Not in any way to excuse myself, but I would hardly say my XW was blameless and was really in any position to inflict punishment. She cheated early in our marriage. I could not forgive, but I had young children that I was not willing to take from their mother nor be a weekend father to. So, to the world, I forgave. I gave my kids a happy and stable homelife. The week that my youngest left for college, I moved out. My affair was not about getting anything off. I had closed myself off for so long, not let myself feel anything for anyone. Then one day I met a brilliant and beautiful young surgeon two months before my son went away to school. It was wrong, but I allowed myself to get close to her, to feel things that I had not felt in 15 years. My affair, my choice, "my bad" (isn't that what the kids say now). I take full responsibility for it, and do agree that it was wrong. My affair was not about cruelty to my then-wife, it was about me reclaiming my wife. Had I not allowed myself to fall in love with my OW, the outcome would still have been the same. I had already purchased another home and made plans to leave. I have had the good fortune to be married to this beautiful women for 40 years now. She continues to be the center of my universe... I would sooner die than hurt her. Looking back, honestly, I don't think a punishment was deserved to allow myself two more months of happiness. Of course that is just my opinion. I am sure others may feel differently.
jwi71 Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 We have been married for over 40 years. Certainly we tell the truth about how we met, but don't necessarily feel the need to add that were were engaged in an affair before we married. Maybe we should? I am certain that our neighbors think that we are just the kindly old couple down the street. Wouldn't they be shocked to know that we had such a sordid past? I haven't been the object of gossip in years Thanks for the responses. Should you? Up to you. It is a lie of omission and designed to hide...well what? The sordid truth? And...congratulations on 40+ years. Ha! You have been married longer than I have been ALIVE! That's great. So how DID you two do it? Any tips for us whippersnappers (can I say that?)?
HappyAtLast Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 should read "to reclaim my LIFE (not wife)" talk about confusing
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