IcemanJB Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 I just want to mention something that I don't think gets enough attention here at LS. I guess I'll refer to it as the "NC endgame". I'll start off by summing up briefly my situation. My ex and I split in October. Just as an FYI, she is close friends with my sister, and living with her starting this summer. My sister and I are best friends...Many of you know the gory details of my ex and I breaking up, but our split did not have to do with a loss of feelings or cheating or anything like that. Purely situational. She claims it was mutual, but IMO it was her, since she is the one needing to take care of some things that I won't get into out of respect to her. The few weeks following the breakup were the hardest of my life. Apparently she was a mess during that time as well; it probably didn't help that she came over a few times in the weeks following. Very sad time...I never begged or pleaded, because deep down I know she is doing what she needs to do. Finally I went NC after we ran into each other late one night and talked for awhile, where I realized it hurt too bad still. I told her not to contact me until I did first. She 100% honored my request, even when she was frequently texting me and whatnot in the weeks prior. That means so much to me, because I know she respects me. Fast forward to this past week. Last Tuesday marked the 3 month NC day. I figured that was a good time to analyze how I was doing. I came to the conclusion that it was as good as I was going to get, and that I was fine (or able to deal with) any response (or none) that I may get from her if I break NC. Plus, I DO NOT want things to be weird between us since my sister means a lot to both of us; it would not be fair to her. I'm not going to stop hanging out with my sister just because she is living with my ex soon. So I decided I would break NC with a text last Tuesday. Well I got to work that day before I texted her, and guess who texts me...yup, the ex! I kind of freaked out, because obviously that was the very last thing I was expecting. She broke NC after 3 months, about an HOUR before I was going to; who knew? lol. After the shock wore off, I realized I was fine with contact. Anyways, yesterday was her birthday, and although I threw around the idea of not wishing her happy bday, I did anyway. It just kept coming back to my sister, who I don't want to put in a weird situation because of my ex. Also, my ex is really pretty so that means she has really pretty friends. Why would I burn that bridge? I want to make sure it's said that I don't think I could ever be just friends with her, at least in the near future (in fact, she has said the same thing to me), but being on a talking basis is just fine; I can only hope she feels the same. So it comes to this: don't keep doing NC just for NC's sake. Do it to heal. DO NOT do it to get back at your ex. Once you feel it's run its course, there is no harm in contacting the ex. I bet 99.9% of the time, as long as you haven't begged or pleaded or made an ass out of yourself, they'll gladly be on a talking basis. My thinking is this: why burn bridges? You never know how it could help you down the road. Now if they cheated or were just plain awful to you, that's a different story. Then it comes down to if you can forgive them or not. But even then, forgiveness is a pretty powerful thing. IMO, if you're truly moved on (or moving on well), NC really doesn't have a purpose.
northstar1 Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 I just want to mention something that I don't think gets enough attention here at LS. I guess I'll refer to it as the "NC endgame". I'll start off by summing up briefly my situation. My ex and I split in October. Just as an FYI, she is close friends with my sister, and living with her starting this summer. My sister and I are best friends...Many of you know the gory details of my ex and I breaking up, but our split did not have to do with a loss of feelings or cheating or anything like that. Purely situational. She claims it was mutual, but IMO it was her, since she is the one needing to take care of some things that I won't get into out of respect to her. The few weeks following the breakup were the hardest of my life. Apparently she was a mess during that time as well; it probably didn't help that she came over a few times in the weeks following. Very sad time...I never begged or pleaded, because deep down I know she is doing what she needs to do. Finally I went NC after we ran into each other late one night and talked for awhile, where I realized it hurt too bad still. I told her not to contact me until I did first. She 100% honored my request, even when she was frequently texting me and whatnot in the weeks prior. That means so much to me, because I know she respects me. Fast forward to this past week. Last Tuesday marked the 3 month NC day. I figured that was a good time to analyze how I was doing. I came to the conclusion that it was as good as I was going to get, and that I was fine (or able to deal with) any response (or none) that I may get from her if I break NC. Plus, I DO NOT want things to be weird between us since my sister means a lot to both of us; it would not be fair to her. I'm not going to stop hanging out with my sister just because she is living with my ex soon. So I decided I would break NC with a text last Tuesday. Well I got to work that day before I texted her, and guess who texts me...yup, the ex! I kind of freaked out, because obviously that was the very last thing I was expecting. She broke NC after 3 months, about an HOUR before I was going to; who knew? lol. After the shock wore off, I realized I was fine with contact. Anyways, yesterday was her birthday, and although I threw around the idea of not wishing her happy bday, I did anyway. It just kept coming back to my sister, who I don't want to put in a weird situation because of my ex. Also, my ex is really pretty so that means she has really pretty friends. Why would I burn that bridge? I want to make sure it's said that I don't think I could ever be just friends with her, at least in the near future (in fact, she has said the same thing to me), but being on a talking basis is just fine; I can only hope she feels the same. So it comes to this: don't keep doing NC just for NC's sake. Do it to heal. DO NOT do it to get back at your ex. Once you feel it's run its course, there is no harm in contacting the ex. I bet 99.9% of the time, as long as you haven't begged or pleaded or made an ass out of yourself, they'll gladly be on a talking basis. My thinking is this: why burn bridges? You never know how it could help you down the road. Now if they cheated or were just plain awful to you, that's a different story. Then it comes down to if you can forgive them or not. But even then, forgiveness is a pretty powerful thing. IMO, if you're truly moved on (or moving on well), NC really doesn't have a purpose. Would you say you are 100% over your ex? If you hang out with your sister and see your ex, and she's got a new guy around, will you be totally comfortable with that? If you can say that, then you're in a good place.
Author IcemanJB Posted March 2, 2009 Author Posted March 2, 2009 Would you say you are 100% over your ex? If you hang out with your sister and see your ex, and she's got a new guy around, will you be totally comfortable with that? If you can say that, then you're in a good place. I can't say I'm 100% over her. BUT, I'm very close. I'm at the point where given her situation, I don't want to be with her. The way I see it, it doesn't matter if my ex has a new guy around, because I'm not going to stop hanging out with my sister. I can honestly say that it would sting a little the first time if I saw her with another guy, but after that I think I'd be OK.
paperchase Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 I don't think people maintain NC to get back at their ex's. It takes some a very long time to heal and once you do, you may genuinely have no interest in maintaining contact. I suspect my ex secretly wants us to be friends. But I can't see what I get out of that arrangement and why I'd want to be friends with someone who broke my heart. The things she provided to me in the relationship don't can't be provided in the context of a friendship. Sex, cooking, caring for my kids, etc. But much of what I gave her can translate as friends...emotional support, advice, encouragement, mentoring. I'm much older than her. As much as I'd like a second chance, I will not settle for friendship. It's of no value to me whatsoever. She doesn't know this yet because I've been NC, but she's figure it out sooner or later.
Author IcemanJB Posted March 2, 2009 Author Posted March 2, 2009 I want to add that I have no intentions of initiating contact with her, unless it's important or something. In other words I won't do the type of texts, emails, etc. you do while you're dating, or even to your friends. Basically the ball is in her court, but I'm done ignoring her. I'm also definitely not waiting around for her to get through this. I'm actually pretty happy about the situation. I feel as though I have done the right thing throughout the relationship and breakup. Given the added complication with my sister in the whole scenario, it's liberating to know this.
EasyHeart Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Good for you, Iceman. Your story gives hope to the rest of us, who aren't 'over' our exes. I'm of the opinion that you can almost never be 'friends' with an ex. You can certainly be civil and polite, but that's very different from being friends. The only time I've ever done it is with a woman who I was friends with for many years before we dated. (She was also married to my best friend before we dated, so I was used to seeing her with someone else). But in every other case, even if I stay in loose contact with ex girlfriends, I don't consider then friends or confidants.
stovepipe Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 I'm completely opposite. I usually end up being friends with my ex's....actually 3 of my ex's are good friends of mine now. After my recent breakup I would talk to them about the situation, get their input. To each his own I guess. I know somewhere down the road that I can be friend with my current ex...I just don't know when and I'm not going to rush it but I'm sure it will happen.
Author IcemanJB Posted March 3, 2009 Author Posted March 3, 2009 I think it takes either a really strong person, or a lot of time for two people to be friends after a breakup. It's just SO hard to do.
Tryng2Trust08 Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Im glad you feel you handled everything well, thats a very refreshing feeling. It's soo easy to get caught up in heartache and feelings, and people do and do stupid things. I think you can be friends wth someone after a lot of time and maybe depending on what happened. I am friends with one of my ex's...and as in friends, I mean we text every so often, we have talked about meeting up for lunch, but never have. But right after a break up, friends is never going to happen, it will backfire. Time apart is the only thing needed after a break up.
stovepipe Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 I think it takes either a really strong person, or a lot of time for two people to be friends after a breakup. It's just SO hard to do. I'd say in the last 10 years I'm still friends with all my ex's but one. She wanted to be friends and I was willing to be her friend but in the end she said she couldn't do it. All the others are close friends now, ones that I'd trust with and can talk to about details of current relationships. One of these girls even cheated on me, I'm a forgiving person I guess. She's actually very good friends with me now, helped me a lot after my recent breakup. I don't know when me and my ex will reconnect and be friends, I have a feeling this one will be a long time, she didn't cheat or anything like that......she just wasn't who I thought she was after knowing her for quite a long time. I think finding out who someone really is and what they are like when you think of them differently is actually harder to cope with then someone that cheats.
BCCA Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 don't keep doing NC just for NC's sake. Do it to heal. That should really be its only purpose, healing. Doing it out of spite or to get your ex back is a waste of time. It only works for getting over the loss of a relationship and getting back on your own two feet. Once you feel it's run its course, there is no harm in contacting the ex I feel like once youre over the pain someone has caused you, whats the point? There might not be any harm, but there certainly isnt much of a benefit either. I bet 99.9% of the time, as long as you haven't begged or pleaded or made an ass out of yourself, they'll gladly be on a talking basis Again, whats the point of that? And so nice of them to talk to you after taking a huge crap on your heart and feelings, so good of them! What do you even have to talk about that you wouldnt rather talk to an actual friend about? I just dont see a point. why burn bridges? Do you think someone cares about burning a bridge when they dump you? No, they only care about whats good for them. So, why should I be the one walking on eggshells and trying to be friendly to someone who hurt me? This is wishful, 'leave an opening' thinking, to me. The bridge was burned the day she dumped you, why spend your time rebuilding it? NC really doesn't have a purpose I think once youve gotten over someone, being there friend has no purpose. I have enough friends that didnt break my heart, why accept a downgrade in relationship status because it fits someone elses needs? Look, I might be the exception here, but I dont think in all my life Ive had one person be honest with me about why they were leaving me. Its all BS and excuses to get away, and then you expect me to be your friend after Ive been lied to? And for what? Your ex is NOT going to hook you up with her friends, and they are NOT going to date someone who was not good enough for their friend, either. Its a waste of time, and I honestly think there is only 2 reasons people try and stay friends: sex and reconciliation.
Author IcemanJB Posted March 3, 2009 Author Posted March 3, 2009 I don't know when me and my ex will reconnect and be friends, I have a feeling this one will be a long time, she didn't cheat or anything like that......she just wasn't who I thought she was after knowing her for quite a long time. I think finding out who someone really is and what they are like when you think of them differently is actually harder to cope with then someone that cheats. Totally, completely 100% agree with you. I've been cheated on (girlfriend prior to my current ex), and I was over her within a few weeks. I do have occasional contact with her. She rang me on new years wanting to "hang out" haha. Nope! I have forgiven her, I'm just completely over her so I don't want it. The current ex never cheated or was hurtful to me at all...and I'm still not totally over her, even after almost 5 months. It will take awhile, I'm sure.
Author IcemanJB Posted March 3, 2009 Author Posted March 3, 2009 BCCA, you bring up good points. That's one way to look at it. If I felt she was feeding me a line of BS when we were breaking up, I never would even consider being her friend. But given the situation, and enough time, it is evident that she was completely honest with me during the breakup. Now being friends and being civil with each other are completely different. I have stated that as of now it's not a good idea for us two to be friends; she has said the same thing to me. My main motivation for trying to get us on at least a talking basis is my sister. Both me and my ex are close with my sister, and I feel it's not fair to her if there's any resentment between me and my ex, since we will all see a lot of each other starting this summer. We've done a great job keeping her out of the whole breakup. The only time I've talked to my sister about it, is when she brings it up. She said the same thing about my ex. Yes, she broke my heart. I'm almost totally over it, and I've forgiven her. I will no doubt find another girl some day. I just don't see why I would go out of my way to not at least be civil with her. As for her pretty friends, I said that more as a joke. I don't need her help in getting to know them.
BCCA Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Being civil is just fine. Why waste your time resenting someone or being a jerk? No point in that. Friends? Not for me. I have a definition of friends that involves a mutual benefit to the relationship. I understand your situation with your sister, and I respect that. Thats good of you to think about her as well. Like I said, if you can honesty say to yourself that you would never sleep with or get back together with someone, then sure, be friends. Until that day, which may never come, it just seems like a waste to me.
confused_2008 Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 I just wanted to say you seem like a real stand up guy Iceman. I remember reading your posts last fall and you really seemed to care about and respect this girl. Just a sad situation over all but like you said, at least you can look back and say you did the right things during the break up.
Author IcemanJB Posted March 4, 2009 Author Posted March 4, 2009 I just wanted to say you seem like a real stand up guy Iceman. I remember reading your posts last fall and you really seemed to care about and respect this girl. Just a sad situation over all but like you said, at least you can look back and say you did the right things during the break up. Thanks, that means more to me than you think.
electriclove Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Everyone's situation is different but I can understand why you want to remain friends with her due to the link with your sister. I'm just not convinced it's possible to be friends with an ex due to the level of history that you have with that person. I guess I've never really known anyone who's maintained a friendly relationship with their ex. I have one friend who, when she broke up with her ex, swore blind that she was over him and remained good friends because they went out in the same circles. Then she told me recently that on a night out she saw him chatting up some girl and flew off into a rage at him. She said it brought the break up back to her like it was day one and it was too painful seeing him with someone else. So I pretty much agree with BCCA on this one. My ex has made several attempts to contact me to have a 'catch up' but I've rebuffed them. Mainly because I'm nowhere near over him unfortunately and any contact I have with him sets me back a long way. I've learnt this the hard way! At first I was worried how it would look to him when I ignore his texts and calls. But really what does it matter? He didn't care less how much I was hurting when we broke up, he just wanted me to disappear as quickly as possible. It didn't matter to him that I felt like my world had ended, that I couldn't eat, sleep, get out of bed for weeks or have a conversation with someone without bursting into tears. Like BCCA says, what's the point in talking to them when they were the ones who put us in this mess to begin with! God knows why he's contacting me still. It could be out of guilt or curiosity? Either way I'm not going to give him a shred of information about my life anymore because its none of his buisness. I sound bitter against my ex and like I want to sever all ties with him but that's not the case. We've spoken several times since the break up and had perfectly civil conversations, but when it ends it just leaves me feeling deflated and like the conversation was a bit pointless. Friends aren't supposed to make you feel this way.
LoveUrselfFirst Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 "So it comes to this: don't keep doing NC just for NC's sake. Do it to heal" I'm glad that everything has been going well for you. I'm on my I guess third day of NC and it's been a growing transition from tears to acceptance. I'm trying to heal and I know it will.....soon...but it will happen. I'm not a mean-spirited person so I would hope one day we could actually say hello one day when passing by at work, but if not than "Life's goes on".
Author IcemanJB Posted March 4, 2009 Author Posted March 4, 2009 electriclove, that's perfectly fine that you see it that way. If your ex had that sort of effect on you through the breakup, then I agree it would be stupid to have any sort of contact with him. Although I was crushed by the whole thing, I was more or less back to my normal routine and normal self about a couple months after the breakup (after I started NC). Also in my earlier posts I've said I do not want to (and can't) be her friend right now. She feels the same towards me. The last time we were alone proved there is definitely something there and it's best to not hang out together anymore. She has her own issues that I should not have to deal with/worry about. All I want is a talking basis, which I believe we have now. She was thankful for the birthday wishes, so at least I know she doesn't hate me for the NC. I'm not going to lie and say the contact doesn't pull any heart strings, but the effects of it are not enough to keep NC going and make it awkward and strange with my sister. I've actually started talking to another girl recently that I've come to take a liking. I know I'm good to move forward because thoughts of my ex do not come up at all when I'm talking to the new girl! That was not the case a couple months ago. This is how I know stopping NC was the best thing to do, given the situation.
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