New York Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 So, my ex-girlfriend (who I dated for two years) asked for a "break" in early December. I immediately cut her off and went no contact figuring that she was with another. Around 6 weeks later I broke no contact because it was her birthday and I was going to be in her city for a visit. She refused to see me when I was in her city telling me that she was busy with a "friend" that weekend but that she was glad we were now communicating. I wanted more and pressed but she said that she simply enjoyed being my friend and would not restart a relationship with me. After a bit of begging and pleading to take me back, all of which she rejected, I sent her a f- you email telling her off and telling her that we would never be friends and that, having made it 6 weeks of no contact, I hoped moving forward I would never hear from her again. About 5 weeks have passed since then and we have not had a shred of contact. Indeed, I have zero desire to contact her although I do think of her constantly and talk about her incessently to my friends--mostly to trash her. In short, I have not moved on but I am slowly getting passed the anger and hatred phase and intend to remain in no contact for the foreseeable future so as to protect myself. The problem is as follows. A mutual friend has invited us both to a housewarming this coming weekend. I have no idea if she will be there. If she were there, I would absolutely NOT go as I do not need to see her and be reminded that she rejected me for someone else. Call me immature, but I am not at all ready to see her under any circumstances given the way she treated me during the break up. Given the above, is it inappropriate to speak to the person who organized the party, explain the situation, and see if he can figure out whether she will be there? The alternative is simply not to attend at all. Has anyone been in this type of situation before? Thoughts?
mark982 Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 i think it'd be ok to ask him if she'll be there, explain everything that's going on.if he says that she'll probable be there, just give him a early housewarming gift.
Author New York Posted March 3, 2009 Author Posted March 3, 2009 Thanks for your reply. I figured as much. The other alternative is to send her another f--u email telling her how much of a b--tch she is and that I hope she does not show up. As that would both violate no contact and serve no purpose (other than making me feel temporarily better) I will call the friend in a few days to ensure that she remains miles away from anywhere I might be this weekend.
mark982 Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 no more hate e-mails. that shows she's getting under your skin, which you don't want.when you do those things you give her power.
Geishawhelk Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 So, my ex-girlfriend (who I dated for two years) asked for a "break" in early December. I immediately cut her off and went no contact figuring that she was with another. Around 6 weeks later I broke no contact because it was her birthday and I was going to be in her city for a visit. She refused to see me when I was in her city telling me that she was busy with a "friend" that weekend but that she was glad we were now communicating. I wanted more and pressed but she said that she simply enjoyed being my friend and would not restart a relationship with me. So you were being needy, not taking the hint, and refusing to take no for an answer? She had every right to blow you off. You were no longer an item - remember? After a bit of begging and pleading to take me back, all of which she rejected, I sent her a f- you email telling her off and telling her that we would never be friends and that, having made it 6 weeks of no contact, I hoped moving forward I would never hear from her again. Needy, desperate and immature - not to mention unnecessarily rude. What did you expect to achieve by that - an apology and a crawl-back? Nice move, Romeo..... You did all the contacting - why would you tell her you never wanted to hear from her again? Shouldn't you have said: "I will never contact you again" - ? More accurate. And probably music to her ears.... "Over her? Hmmmm.... I don't think so..... About 5 weeks have passed since then and we have not had a shred of contact Good for her! So she complied with your request. Why are you complaining? Indeed, I have zero desire to contact her although I do think of her constantly and talk about her incessently to my friends--mostly to trash her. Ah...the old "I am not over her, I still love her, I still want her back, but am sucking lemons and sour grapes" talk.... In short, I have not moved on but I am slowly getting passed the anger and hatred phase No, you're not. and intend to remain in no contact for the foreseeable future so as to protect myself. Big problem is, you don't need protecting from her - you need protecting from you. You are giving off such toxic vibes it's painful. You're doing this to yourself, she has done nothing to ellicit this from you. It's all self-made. A mutual friend has invited us both to a housewarming this coming weekend. I have no idea if she will be there. If she were there, I would absolutely NOT go as I do not need to see her and be reminded that she rejected me for someone else. Call me immature, but I am not at all ready to see her under any circumstances given the way she treated me during the break up. From what you say, she broke, and you went NC. Just stop labouring the point. It's over. Given the above, is it inappropriate to speak to the person who organized the party, explain the situation, and see if he can figure out whether she will be there? The alternative is simply not to attend at all. Call them up. If she's going to be there, just explain that you are still in pain, and you are not over the break up and you won't be coming. Say nothing about her, or add nothing to put her in a bad light. It's not fair, if it's a mutual friend, they don't need to be dragged into your personal drama.
troubadour Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Geishawhelk is 100% correct... nothing else to add.
2sure Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 Since you do not want to see her under any circumstances - If the host cannot confirm whether or not she is attending , simply dont go. Not seeing her is more imprtant to you at this point, than going to a house warming party.
Author New York Posted March 4, 2009 Author Posted March 4, 2009 Oh Geishawalk, how quickly you forget the dynamics here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t177899/ Your previous advice was far more appropriate and way more on point. As for your current reply, she did deserve exactly what happened. Indeed, she lied bluntly to me about "her friend" during the course of our relationship and I subsequently learned from her best friend--cheated on me. So yes, Geishawalk, I did tell her to f-- off. And I did it proudly in response to an email that she sent in which I knew 100% that she was lying to me about the status of her relationship with her so called friend. Over her...nope I am not. I am not even close to over the betrayal but each day it gets better. Toxic? You have to be kidding me. If toxicity is telling someone to f-- off once, thinking about it doing it again, but then not doing it--sue me. The reality is I stuck by this person for two years long distance (never ever once looking at another woman) when her mom almost died, she needed a job and I helped get it for her, her boss passed away, and her best friend passed away, and she had requested that I uproot my life to be with her in her city—a request to which I had acceded. In short, I carried her through the most difficult time of her entire life (her words) and even offered to give up my career to support her when she asked. And my repayment was her cheating on me and then having to find out about it after the fact through friends. Oh...and the kicker, she somehow thinks we can still be friends after all this. As for needing protection from myself, I am doing just fine. Not being reminded of a painful event from the person who caused it seems perfectly rationale. Next time, before jumping on the attack reread your earlier posts as you can sometimes say something intelligent--just not this time. Peace.
9Lives Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 New York, just stay away. You are not ready period. Send the gift to the friend and continue to work on getting over her. YOur just not ready yet
Geishawhelk Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Next time, before jumping on the attack reread your earlier posts as you can sometimes say something intelligent--just not this time. These are my two contributions from your other linked thread: Yes, and while you're at it, poke yourself in the eyes with a sharp stick, breathe in some ground red jalapeno pepper powder, run headlog, repeatedly into a thorn-bush and thwhack yourself constantly on the shins with a baseball bat, whilst you whang yourself round the head with a heavy, cast-iron metal skillet. If you're going to inflict pain on yourself, you might as well go the whole hog. On the other hand - If you really would never think of doing this to yourself physically, explain to me then, the sense in continuing to hurt yourself emotionally....? Don't quite get the logic. Come on. Take a deep breath and as you exhale, whoosh loudly - "dontgiveash1*t" And step forward, one pace at a time. In the short-run, no. In the long-run, yes. You know how stupid, false and idiotic politicians look on TV when they shake hands with the leader of another country (all cordial, genial, big smiles, warm hugs, posing for the camera) and only a week ago, they were dropping bombs on each other? think of it that way. If ever you 'need' to touch base with her in the future (I don't know why! ) you'll feel pretty dumb for being hostile in the present...... That's all...... I stand by everything I said there, and I stand by everything I said in this thread. If you are angry, if you are in pain, if you are resentful - it is all down to you. No Contact means No contact. You broke it. Now you're sucking up the consequences. This is on you. Don't blame her for the pain you've persistently inflicted on yourself. Thoughts, words and actions are a choice. Full stop, dead-end, end of story. You chose to try to make contact with her. Why are you now so angry about that? Would all this have happened if you hadn't broken No Contact? Really?? She craps on you once, more fool her. She craps on you twice - more fool you. Tell me exactly where I am wrong , in anything I've told you so far. Anything.
Author New York Posted March 4, 2009 Author Posted March 4, 2009 Geishawalk, Here is where you are wrong. The original break occurred (at her request) because she did not want to remain long distance forever. That being said, she refused patently to ever move to NY because she never wanted to give up her job. Instead, she demanded I move to her city and give up my job. So you know, I make far more money than her so her request was quite a demand. Although I assumed another man was involved in her decision to demand the break (since the same thing happened a year before and another man was involved), I was not sure and took her at her word. The initial break up was extremely cordial and nice. I politely told her that we needed some time and that I would think about things. In the interim, I requested no contact, a point to which she agreed although she said she wished to be my friend regardless of what happened. I broke no contact 6 weeks later after much soul searching to tell her I would move to her city exactly as we had discussed. So yes, the consequences are on me for breaking no contact but the reasons I broke no contact were based upon my false understandings of why we broke up. In other words, when we broke up she did not tell me another man was involved. Had she told me that then, I would never have reapproached her. In any event, it was only after breaking no contact to tell her that I was ready to move to her town that she told me that this would be "too much pressure" and that she could not see me during my visit because she had plans with a "friend." Her now former best friend told me that this new "friend" was someone that she was with WHILE we were together and was someone she was dating now. I confronted her about this in an email. She lied. So I told her off. So, why am I angry at her for my decision to break no contact? Simply put, I broke no contact because I thought she had been honest with me about what she wanted in the relationship and the reasons for the initial "break." She was not. So now, I am pissed about the cheating but more importantly, I am pissed about her inability to tell me the truth when we initially broke up. You are correct that none of this would have happened had I not contacted her in January. But what happened? I learned the truth. And that (in the long run) is a net gain. In any event, I followed the earlier advice in this post and spoke to our mutual friend about the housewarming. I told him, bluntly, that I would not go to the housewarming if she were present. I did not call her names. I did not tell him that he should uninvite her. I simply said that I would prefer not to be in the same place with her. He understood and said he would ask whether she planned on attending without bringing me up. It is her choice to attend first and my choice not to attend. If she goes or wants to go, I am completely fine. I remain here. If I get confirmation that she will not be there then I go. And, as I told her in my f- off email, I hope never to speak to or see her again. In the interests of full disclosure, after sending her the f- off email, I did send an immediate apology (within about an hour) simply so as to ensure my last words to her were not mean. That being said, given her behavior to me I regret sending the apology not the f- off email. Oh yeah one last thing, everyone here is correct. I am NOT over her. I am fully aware of that. If I were over her, I would not be blogging about her here and seeking people's advice, all of which I am extremely grateful to receive.
Geishawhelk Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Geishawalk, Here is where you are wrong. The original break occurred (at her request) because she did not want to remain long distance forever. That being said, she refused patently to ever move to NY because she never wanted to give up her job. And there's your first red flag..... Instead, she demanded I move to her city and give up my job. There's your second one. (Demanded? Really? Hmmmmmm very 'red Flag') (...)I make far more money than her so her request was quite a demand. Sop which is it? Request, or demand? I'm incvlined to think the former. because you're very angry with her, you're making her out to be unreasonable, and putting her in an poor light.... Although I assumed another man was involved in her decision to demand the break (since the same thing happened a year before and another man was involved), Oh right. Third Red Flag.... See the pattern? The initial break up was extremely cordial and nice. I politely told her that we needed some time and that I would think about things. In the interim, I requested no contact, a point to which she agreed although she said she wished to be my friend regardless of what happened. Regardless of what happened... There's the 4th one..... I broke no contact 6 weeks later It took you this long to realise she wasn't likely to want to be with you any more....? If my partner didn't contact me in this time - REGARDLESS of a NC request, I'd be sure of their reasons. because he wouldn't want to be in contact with me. If someone loves you, and initiates a break, they'll contact you.... the fact she didn't was a clear signal..... after much soul searching to tell her I would move to her city exactly as we had discussed. So yes, the consequences are on me for breaking no contact but the reasons I broke no contact were based upon my false understandings of why we broke up. In other words, when we broke up she did not tell me another man was involved. Had she told me that then, I would never have reapproached her. But look above!! You suspected it! Look, I do understand why you are angry with her, and I do see why you got in touch with her again, in order to clarify the move. but this continuing festering pain, anger and resentment is something you're going to have to work through to actively get rid of. Otherwise, you really will never be over her. And whilst you harbour resentment, anger and hostility - you do that through your own choice. Really.
Author New York Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 Geishwalk, This response is spot on and pretty much hit everything squarely on the head. And you are 100% percent correct about the anger, festering pain, and resentment. For what it is worth, it really is getting better each day. It will just take time. One minor point of clarification (not that it is relevant) during the initial 6 weeks of no contact, about two or three weeks into it, she emailed my mom (which was a bit odd and which she admitted when we finally spoke in early January that she did) because she missed me and was trying to cope with the breakup while honoring my request for no-contact. Anyway, I took her email to my mom as a further sign to reach out on her birthday (even though I did not at that point fully grasp her motivations for the email) to clarify things. Regardess, I learned my lesson the hard way and should have read the other flags you raised above and walked away much earlier. At some point, I will find someone better. Just not now. First, I need to get over my emotions towards her, rebuild my own sense of self-worth, put aside the anger, and close this chapter in my life. Only when that happens will I be prepared to date again. Until then, I am focusing on my career again, which astoundingly I was going to give up for her a few short weeks ago. On the plus side, I got a very big promotion today. So all in all, things are not that bad and if her leaving me is the worst that happens in life, I will have survived my time on this little planet much luckier than most.
Geishawhelk Posted March 5, 2009 Posted March 5, 2009 Congrats with the promotion. In these trying times that is indeed a fantastic thing to focus on. Well done you. Shifting your focus from her, as the seat of your happiness, is what matters. You never needed her to supply you with validation and happiness, because you got on very well without her before, you can do it again. She was a hiatus in your life. A pretty big and important one, I grant you. But it gave you an insight into how deeply and sincerely you can love. It also gave you an insight into how deeply and sincerely you can hate. Curious, feeling those two back to back, isn't it? The intensity is equal, yet they are so different. So shift your focus. Take it off her, and turn it onto yourself. Put that intensity, care and depth into looking after you and putting you first. And then, learn to love again. It will come. And it will be better. Second times always are......
Author New York Posted March 12, 2009 Author Posted March 12, 2009 So, today I had a bit of a setback and figured I would post here for no other reason than I am feeling a bit down. I went to the housewarming after I got confirmation the ex wouldn't be there. It felt nice to catch up with my friends. I didn't really talk about her at all and otherwise felt good that I went to the housewarming, saw mutual friends, and didn't crumple like a babbling idiot. Indeed, I felt I took a big step in going to the housewarming and behaving relatively maturally about things. Anyway, the last few days have been ok until tonight. Another mutual friend called and he is coming to visit tomorrow. He then told me that my ex emailed him to say hello. What is odd about this is that this person is particuarly close to me, she has not spoken to him in many months, and she has maintained absolute radio silence with respect to any and all of our other mutual friends. Anyway, I know I should not care or psycho analyze her, but my mutual friend emailed her back and said that he had heard we had broken up. She replied that we had. She said we broke up because of distance, work, and because her mom got sick. She said that she had some of the greatest times in her life with me, was not angry with me in anyway, but that things had not worked out. She said further that she was suprised that my mutual friend had maintained his current girlfriend longer than she had dated me and that she was not talking about our breakup with any other mutual friends because we were all interconnected. I know that my caring about this email exchange is nonsense and that she is just posturing to make herself look good to a mutual friend. The question is, why did this information set me back 100 yards? I know she is flat out lying as she dumped me to date someone else and was likely cheating. But again, why is she so conniving with people and presenting herself as if everything ended on good terms when it did not? I am just venting and upset. Nothing more. If anyone has any insight as to her stupid message or my irrational reaction, I would be grateful. For what it is worth, I am almost on 2 months of NC and it is not really getting better although I know at some point it will.
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