Dack Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 Hello. I've been reading posts in here, so I guess this is the place to get some advice and insight -- even though I already know my own answer, but need some support -- I like my husband -- I love him deeply -- here comes the but -- but, I don't like how he's treated me these 10 years of marriage -- he's funny, sensitive, sweet, caring, loving and, he's not attracted to me, was never in love with me and in my heart, I know that he only stayed with me because I was pregnant with his child -- we married 1 month after she was born -- he's a devoted father, so I can easily see him being held to me because of our daughter(s) -- his, mine, ours -- after a time, I only stayed with him because of HIS daughter, who never had a stable home and, I didn't want to see her go live with him after I booted him out and, I certainly didn't want her to end up with her biological mother -- until me, she never had stability in her life and i wanted to keep it that way - but, this is how it is between he and i: he carries all of my money cards -- I once complained about it to my (cop) brother and next thing I knew, I was carrying my EMPTY bank cards -- what's the point in having them if there's not going to be any money on them, right? When money gets put on them, they only go back into his pocket -- he goes through all of my belongings, and, when I fussed about getting a cell phone (that only lasted for 1 month), he dug through it looking for numbers -- but, when i look through his phone, "I don't trust him", blah blah -- if i ask him how much money "we" (he) has, he gets angry and thus, gives him the way out of telling me, but, when he "allows" me to have money, he insists that I account to him for all of it, even if it's only $20 -- vehicles -- "he" has several that are in my name -- the first one he got, i wasn't "allowed" to drive it and could only get into it if i told him why i needed to go into it -- now that it's old and thrashed, he has a newer ford exploder and while there was always a reason why i "couldn't" drive it or have a copy of a key to either of them, but, our (his) daughter not only has her own key to it but, "gets" to drive it (as though I were her child and she had priority over me, his wife) -- don't get me wrong, she is as much of my child as a child could possibly be (she's 20, so i hardly consider her to be a "child") -- I'm not "allowed" to drive unless he gives permission or if it conveniences him -- I'm not "allowed" to have money and, if it weren't for the FAFSA checks that pay for college books, I wouldn't be going to college right now -- he never "allowed" me to work "because I might find someone else to take care of me" -- he's never been attracted to me -- he doesn't think i'm pretty and when i bring it up, he says things like "at least i'm not phony" -- but, he "loves" me, even though he's never been in love with me and has always kept me under his thumb -- there's so much more to my story -- Married 10 yrs -- 2nd, 3rd and 4th yrs of marriage, he cheated on me with several girls and was arrested around the 4th yr of marriage for drugs and driving without a license at 2 in the morning with a hooker in the car in a motel parking lot -- he got out of jail and I gave him the "quit or go" routine -- he quit and i, of course, forgave him -- While "self-employed", he's never worked a real job with benefits -- In the past year, he's begun to be a regular at the local bar -- he's befriended a few "shes" -- he also invests in mary jane on a regular basis -- yes, you read correctly: both of my brothers are cops -- and, he's used their names a plenty -- I'm not "allowed" to do this or that, have money and, he's unapproachable -- if I voice something, or express to him that the way he talks to me hurts my feelings, he gets angry and yells -- most of the time, i just keep my mouth shut because I don't want to deal with it -- Our 9 yr old (soon to be 10) is so attached to him and cries like nuts whenever he and i get going on each other (which only happens when i stick up for myself or voice my feelings about the way he treats me) -- He really is a fun and funny guy -- sweet, sensitive -- and yes, sometimes sensitive toward me -- problem is, that when i cry because i'm hurting, he'll ask me why i'm crying, but i can't tell him because my feelings only turn into all about him -- today was one of those all-day crying days -- he's been asking me what the matter is, but i can't tell him because i know what it'll turn into -- i'll tell him how badly i feel and he'll end up ranting and raging over it -- so, i suck it up -- when i do something that makes me feel accomplished, he doesn't share in my happiness -- he just sighs and rolls his eyes -- he has never admired anything about me -- he doesn't love my nerve or my heart -- yet, he won't let me let him go -- i've told him on several occasions to leave and he won't -- he just sits there and cries, sulks and even promises that he'll do marriage counselling -- 2 weeks later, things are back to the norm -- please, someone, please tell me why i stay with him? i was such an independent person before he came along -- i was a successful single mother and now, i've allowed myself to be reduced to this -- i'm miserable and want my life back, but then i worry that he has no place to go and our 9 and 20 yr olds (our 14 yr old is in favor of him leaving and says that i'm not the same person i was before we got together -- everyone says that i'm not the same person -- i'm withdrawn -- i do go to college, which is a wonderful out for me --) -- our 9 and 20 yr olds won't take very well to this and i get very strong backlash from our 20 yr old -- i can't stand the thought of my 9 yr old hating me and crying like i know she will -- all are "shes" -- what's wrong with me? i'm so sad, heartbroken and i know that he only wants someone who'll go along with everything HE wants -- he TELLS me what to do, but i will tell you that if I treated him like that, he would stomp all over the house -- until yesterday, my 9 yr old said that she always thought that I was the problem between he and I -- unfortunately, she's getting old enough to understand and perceive -- but, that made me sad because she's always taken his side when there should be no sides and certainly, we shouldn't be putting her in this position -- forget me -- i'm just a babbling idiot -- i don't know what my problem is, but i can't stop crying -- he's not here right now, but he will be in a few -- thanks for reading and having a shoulder for me to anyone out there who is reading this -- i'm such a jerk for letting it go for so long -- this should have been stopped the moment he started staying out all night the 2nd yr into our marriage -- i'm very lost and if anyone out there prays, will you please throw one up for me? thank you -- i'm sorry for being so long-winded --
SpanksTheMonkey Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 I haven't even read all of it sorry I'm tired today but just from the bank account part up I can tell you this.. That hes a over controlling border line if not already abusive man I can say that from my own experiences with a similar man... I know its hard to admit to yourself but if you don't your just wasting your life away living in misery he wont change unless you make it clear its not acceptable the way he treats you maybe even then not!! And it will continue and prob get worse if you do nothing but you have to decide when enoughs enough and you want your life back. Start by drawing lines in the sand boundary's demand respect and if he refuses then cut him out of your life completely but only you can do that I hope you find the strength.. Best of luck..
Author Dack Posted March 2, 2009 Author Posted March 2, 2009 hello, spanks -- i appreciate the attempt to read it all -- it's a tall order to ask of anyone to read -- i'm getting ready to go to school right now, but anticipated looking in for peoples' thoughts on this -- he is only emotionally abusive -- which is just as bad as physical abuse (so i've been told) -- nothing has ever been resolved and i do try to "talk" to him, but he won't have any part of "talking" -- he says he rants, raves and yells because he's "hurting" -- i show my pain by crying, he shows his by yelling -- right -- the only rational thought that comes from him is when it's beneficial to him and, i must go now, because he's back from getting his coffee and about to walk in -- thank you for responding -- bless you --
Island Girl Posted March 2, 2009 Posted March 2, 2009 OMG!! I just wish I could reach out to you in some other way than words on a page. He is horrible! I don't know why you go on about him being funny, etc. He is a terrible person toward YOU. Who cares what everyone else gets to see?!! You need to see an attorney. You should call every single one within a 50 mile radius and have a consultation. Do this without letting him (or anyone else lest they tell him) know. Get a clear picture as far as your rights go. You need to do this for yourself but also for your daughters. Children pattern relationships after what they see and holy crap you don't want any of them in the same situation you are. If the 20 year old has a problem with it - so be it. She is an adult and will understand your position in time. The 9 year old may have a problem with it but you are causing problems within her psyche while she grows up in this controlling abusive environment. Would you rather she be angry until she can understand what you had to do and then even out or happy now and then get into the same situation you are for perhaps the rest of her life? -- And who knows she may not stop at emotional abuse and seek an abusive man who is physically abusive as well. You just don't know what effect this is having on her. Then on top of it all you deserve to have a LIFE. You deserve to be treated as an adult and LOVED. You deserve to be with a man that is attracted to you and cherishes you. But that won't happen as long as you stay stuck. You can't even love yourself the way you need to while you stay in this relationship and put up with this HORRIBLE crap. You really need to get your ducks in a row - get an organized plan and then execute it immediately. Get all of the pieces in place FIRST. And protect yourself completely. I feel for you I really do. But you are going to have to take action to get yourself extracted from this MESS. It is up to you. You CAN do it. You just have to start. So make up your mind to start as soon as possible. Today? Please?
Author Dack Posted March 3, 2009 Author Posted March 3, 2009 good morning, island girl -- i'm once again getting ready to go to school (that he's allowed me to do and which is full-time) -- i'm emotionally distancing myself from him (which he's moaning about telling me that i don't compliment him anymore -- which i do but not much -- and that it's not "fair" of me to say that i do -- he's trying to emotionally bleed a turnip -- he said that because of a conversation i had with one of my brothers last night when i told him that he should be proud of what he does for a living and that the rest of us are) anyway, i'm now making a list of what needs to be done, as your great idea has suggested -- taking one step at a time, but am dreaming of what life will be like without him intruding on ME and who i am as a person -- as for attorney, he couldn't win a fight in court against me for anything at all -- it's a win-lose situation in my favor -- it truly is -- so, i'm not worried about retaining an attorney -- our "home" (a beautiful double-wide mobilehome) is in both our names and all vehicles are in mine -- which, i don't care about any of the vehicles except for one: the one that will get me around until i get a more reliable one that says "me" -- thank you so much for coming in with your encouragement and empathy -- i can't tell you what it means and the courage that it helps me to build -- i must finish getting ready to go now, but thank you so much -- love: dack
Author Dack Posted March 3, 2009 Author Posted March 3, 2009 which, by the way, i don't understand why he's moaning so much about the slow down of compliments ("not like you used to") when he's never given me any and says that at least i know he's not phony -- whatever -- have a great day --
Geishawhelk Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 you go back to your brother, and you tell him everything you've told us. Show him this thread. Then you ask him for help in moving out. Is it really that simple....? Yes, it is. Seek help, get it, and move out. N-O-W.
openbook08 Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 sweetheart, i read all your post you are most definitely NOT a babbling idiot i can see the smart, intelligent, strong woman who is fighting to get out and you will youve just gotten sooo lost in that bullys vile opinion of you but that is NOT you, you are NOT defined by what that idiot thinks FOLLOW GEISHAS ADVICE IMMEDIATELY i second everyting she said ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) good luck X
Geishawhelk Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 You missed one. here, let me add it for you. ) Dack, I know right now you feel so demoralised and obligated to stay out of duty. This is not your call. You have to leave, no matter what, or else you'll be no good to anyone, for anyone. especially your child. Don't perpetuate the behaviour. Please, leave. In nay way you can, as soon as you can. Permanently. And Fast. Just providing an emphasis, I feel very strongly for you. Contact your brother, and do it.
Island Girl Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 I think you should get an immediate TPO with your brother as a witness so that he gets to come to the house ONCE with officer escort (PLEASE LET IT BE ONE OF YOUR BROTHERS) so he can collect as much of his things as he can gather. The rest can get hashed out in court. But he won't be able to contact you further and you can get a call recorder to plug into your phone -- because he will not even be able to call until the terms are resolved.
Author Dack Posted March 3, 2009 Author Posted March 3, 2009 thank you all -- my gut is just reeling -- i am so scared that i feel like passing out -- i'm mostly scared of all of the emotional fall-outs from my youngest and oldest daughters (other 2 don't care) -- i'm scared that i'll be unsuccessful in this endeavor to be free to be my own person and that i'll allow myself to be stuck in this for the rest of my life with no hope -- i'm scared that this upheaval will interrupt my education and lower my grades, which i'm in the middle of a heavily-loaded semester -- although he's never hit me and i don't live in fear of that, you just never know what might come out of a control freak, you know? i think i need to take a moment to breathe -- he's known all of this time what's been going wrong, but as long as i've been "willing" to accept how he treats me, then he's seen no reason to do anything about it -- i've cried to him, begged with him, pleaded, got angry, fought with him -- everything you can possibly imagine in these 10 years -- he's had his hand out in "receiving" yet, he can't offer a gift -- yes, i'm angry -- very angry -- with him, yes, but also with myself -- i get such an amazingly good feeling when i think of being able to live and be myself -- it's so awesome! it's like breaking a prison break -- the anticipation, the fear -- but, i think of all that i am and all that i've allowed for him to take from me -- i want to do more for my daughters and soon to be grandchildren (2 older daughters are 1 week apart pregnant) -- i want to fix up my home -- paint the interior, new kitchen flooring and a new oven, our's has been on the blink for almost 2 yrs now -- our stove works, so we always have a great dinner, not to mention the woks and portable oven i have -- along with this amazing feeling is fear -- anxiety -- i'm a mess! thank you all for your encouragement -- i know i'm a hard case -- i truly am -- there is still so much more to my story -- it's insane -- i only wish i'd have found you guys 8 or 9 years ago --
Author Dack Posted March 3, 2009 Author Posted March 3, 2009 btw -- what is a PTO? thank you -- and thank you geishwhelk, openbook and island girl -- i appreciate the life-preservers -- my being is permeated with fear -- and excitement --
openbook08 Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 the fear , the anxiety , the worry is all completely natural but you can choose how to react to it, you can either surrender to it and continue as you are always wondering/dreaming what if... or use it to empower you (easier said than done i know) my situation is completely different to yours and nowhere near unfortunate but im not long out of a 5year rship. my boyf wasnt a great partner (again im not trying to draw parallels but bear with me...) but i loved him with all my heart & i put up with his nastiness and putdowns because i had allowed myself to believe he was the best i could do.and the good times were good....but rships shouldnt be about putting up with a multitude of bad times just to have a few nice memories. anyway he broke up with me and i thought my world had gone to pieces..i was scared lonely upset everything i had known and planned was gone. well let me tell you something! out of all that fear and anxiety has come a girl whose self worth has not only returned but is making me happier each day that passes. im so busy now one of my friends commented 'its so hard to pin you down these days' and thats because IM LIVING AGAIN and it feels wonderful. thats what i want you to focus on - feeling alive again & happy that you are YOU because you are great! trust me it will be worth it. it may not be easy and there may be times maybe youll think you shouldve stayed.. and thats ok because it means youre feeling again. take a deep breath and then start getting a plan in motion. if you do choose to leave it might be worth talking through your emotions with a counsellor. thats using the fear/anxiety constructively instead of running back the first hurdle you might meet. and keep posting here of course!!
wuggle Posted March 3, 2009 Posted March 3, 2009 I'm sorry but you say this guy is funny and sweet, but what you've posted is horrible. No-one should live like that. Generally I'm quite liberal in these issues but I'm with most other posters on here, leave and be with someone who doesn't treat you like total sh*t, even if that's just you for now. Good luck.
Geishawhelk Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 btw -- what is a PTO? thank you -- -- A TPO (not PTO) is a Temporary Protection Order. It safeguards your well-being whilst carrying out your plan of action to get rid of him as quickly and effectively as you can. I'm going to sound a little harsh here, but if you now start making all kinds of excuses for not going, or not finishing this - I'm going to become very angry and lose respect for you. You came on here, in secrecy and fear, and posted the things that make you miserable, terrified and a prisoner in your own existence. Based on the dreadful things you revealed, we've all given you sound, logical and practical advice. Please don't be a spineless wimp, whinge and complain, but sit there doing nothing. If he finds out about your posting here, it will get worse... You've made a great start by reaching out to us. Now please, follow through!! CALL YOUR BROTHER!!
Author Dack Posted March 4, 2009 Author Posted March 4, 2009 A TPO (not PTO) is a Temporary Protection Order. It safeguards your well-being whilst carrying out your plan of action to get rid of him as quickly and effectively as you can. I'm going to sound a little harsh here, but if you now start making all kinds of excuses for not going, or not finishing this - I'm going to become very angry and lose respect for you. You came on here, in secrecy and fear, and posted the things that make you miserable, terrified and a prisoner in your own existence. Based on the dreadful things you revealed, we've all given you sound, logical and practical advice. Please don't be a spineless wimp, whinge and complain, but sit there doing nothing. If he finds out about your posting here, it will get worse... You've made a great start by reaching out to us. Now please, follow through!! CALL YOUR BROTHER!! Yes, that's pretty harsh -- no matter, I'm not in here because I want to complain, vent, have others beat me up or put pressure on the situation that is unique to me (especially since I can do all of that quite nicely on my own) -- I came in here looking for support and that is what I'm getting -- I do appreciate all of the support being given, and it is all very helpful to me -- I do understand that you all are not counselors, but, sometimes the best counseling comes from our peers -- I'm currently getting all my ducks in a row -- will pop back in when more progress has been made -- in the meantime, I'm reading around in here and trying to find a situation similar to mine that will be of some kind of help to me during this time of fear of the unknown -- Thank you for spending your time on me -- all of you -- Love: Dack
Geishawhelk Posted March 4, 2009 Posted March 4, 2009 Let me try to clarify, so that I don't come off as being too harsh: People here (I hope) will tell you that I do shoot from the hip, but I'm not an unkind person, I do sympathise, I do appreciate the difficulty you're in, but I don't insult, or give 'bad', inappropriate or reckless advice.... At least, I don't think I do... In every negative, painful, harmful and potentially destructive situation, where the person (who is on normal perception, viewed as the victim) chooses to remain in said situation, there's two factors playing: The Penalty and The Payoff. The penalty is obviously all the crap, pain, torment, hurt, anger, fear and uncertainty you're going through. You've been very clear, up-front and direct with that. But even in the most extreme cases, you then have to consider "The Payoff". Something convinces the victim to stay. Something they're 'getting' and that is somehow, nurturing and sustaining them. The difficult factor, sometimes, is to find what the payoff actually is (it's emotive, not practical or tangible, like a roof over your head, and the fact you can work) and establish whether this emotional payoff stands up against the penalty. Is it worth enduring the penalty, to stay for the payoff? Think on this. It runs deeper than you'd believe.
Author Dack Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 Hi, Geisha -- Yesterday, I read and thought on your last reply. I appreciate the sense you're talking and making -- good and sound. Still putting the ducks in a row, but closer now than yesterday. This is going to be a major interruption in mine and my daughters' lives, but well worth the move. I will be telling him to leave, as opposed to me leaving. Where he goes, is not my problem. He made himself homeless. When he fixes the better of the 2 vehicles, (which he's working on it today and will probably be done, today), I will tell him to take the one that runs badly and leave this one for me. He'll have no choice. I will make sure he has enough time to take some necessities with him. If he chooses not to, then oh well, I'll make sure all of his stuff is ready for his pickup, and on Monday, he can come pick it all up while I'm at school (I don't want to watch him being pitiful -- and he will be). If he chooses not to pick his stuff up (which is a lot of stuff), they will either be canned or given to the 2nd hand store. Will check back in when the move is on. I'm tired of broken wings. Baby, these wings are about to go on the mend -- Oh man, I can't wait! I'm going to do everything that he never wanted to and then some. I asked my 9 yr old if she'd like to go to the beach once a month (if she knew why I asked, she'd have been extremely upset) -- she lit up with excitement, but, she said, we don't have the money to do that -- I told her that if I took control of the money (which, she already knows who controls all the money, so I'm not talking garbage about him), we would have enough to go to the beach at least once a month -- and so much more! Why, just think of how much money will be saved when it's not being spent on m.j., beer (the bar) and cigarettes -- oh yeah, things are going to start changing in my life and I'm feelin' good! Will check back in when the ball is rollin' -- thank you, Geisha -- Love: Dack
Author Dack Posted March 5, 2009 Author Posted March 5, 2009 In every negative, painful, harmful and potentially destructive situation, where the person (who is on normal perception, viewed as the victim) chooses to remain in said situation, there's two factors playing: The Penalty and The Payoff. The penalty is obviously all the crap, pain, torment, hurt, anger, fear and uncertainty you're going through. You've been very clear, up-front and direct with that. But even in the most extreme cases, you then have to consider "The Payoff". Something convinces the victim to stay. Something they're 'getting' and that is somehow, nurturing and sustaining them. The difficult factor, sometimes, is to find what the payoff actually is (it's emotive, not practical or tangible, like a roof over your head, and the fact you can work) and establish whether this emotional payoff stands up against the penalty. Is it worth enduring the penalty, to stay for the payoff? Think on this. It runs deeper than you'd believe. I especially like what you said, here (and thought hard on it -- making lists). No, the payoff is not worth the penalty. I've thought long and hard what the payoff is, and I can't think of anything except "keeping the family together no matter what the personal cost" -- that's all I can think of -- hardly worth the harsh penalty -- and I know that this isn't what God intended when He ordained marriage --
Author Dack Posted March 19, 2009 Author Posted March 19, 2009 I just kicked him out. I don't know how I feel. Numb. Relieved. Liberated. Sad. Heartbroken. Scared. Nothing good.
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